Step Teen/Parent issues

Forums:

Hi, I'm new to this but thought I'd get some other opinions as I'm on the verge of divorce. My DH seems to have the typical 'step' relationship with his 'ss' he can be very good with him but seems to 'pick' on things that to me are not worth creating a milestone out of. My son is 15 and is overall a very good teenager, he does his dishes, vacuming, cleaning his room, helps me in the garden, spends some time on x box, loves his soccer and is quite social, wants to get a part time job (has something temporarily through me at mo) is respectful of others USUALLY apart from the odd huffy mood. He can huff and puff sometimes when asked to do something but is happy to do it sometimes bit later than we would like but in his own time (not a prob to me within reason), he gets good grades, talks with respect to all, blah blah blah ..... SO my DH is very big on RULES and to me comes across as a tyrant instead of them knowing our basic house rules (which they do) and taking a case by case basis of any teen issue that comes up. He was an out of control teen from 14 onwards from a split family where he had no good family/parenting modelled to him, I'm from a conservative, calm semi strict background where my parents were together until the end. I appreciate that life is not black and white and like to listen and respect what my kids have to say and will then make my call, I think I'm pretty reasonable but if theres something I feel strongly about then their shit out of luck. He however (which surprises me after his background) is very black and white and its his way or the highway. This is coming between us particularly us and my 15 year old son. Who he cannot see the good in his SS and picks on the bad and blows it up. It makes me resent and not like him, to me you deal with it calmly and with respect and empathy (unless the teen is being a real little dick), discuss and agree on it together first or if you can't is it right that the step parent should back off a bit and respect the bio parents thoughts? Or you keep going until you reach agreement? Or am I supposed to be a 1950's housewife who just agrees with everything the 'head of the household' says? Which is what he'd like. Sorry to ramble but any help appreciated.

Your son sounds like a great

Your son sounds like a great kid. Screw agreeing with what DH says or how he thinks your son should be/act. You are your son's biggest champion, especially to someone who doesn't seem to get what a good teenager he is. I think it's telling DH didn't have a good parent model so in essence he doesn't know how to be a good parent to his SS. He may have some unrealistic expectations of how a 15 should be (but if that's the case, I can show him some examples that will make him be glad he has such a good SS!).

In the end of the day, you are the parent, he is the step parent. You aren't being unreasonable, he is. I am dealing with a similar situation with my DH. He had no parents around growing up so he has no idea what it means to be a dad. I have slowly realized this over the course of our relationship and have expressed my concerns to him. While it was hard to hear, he accepted my insight and is trying to be a better parent to his children.

Has your son ever told your DH how he feels? Do you think that would help? A lot of time people are so blinded to what is in front of them, it takes multiple tries and people for them to realize it. What about working with a 3rd party like a counselor on these issues?

Bottom line, DH can be a tyrant but that's not going to get him anywhere with you or your son. He should respect you both and try to make things better if he is really invested in your marriage and family.

Thanks so much for your

Thanks so much for your reply.....My son is quite shy and reserved and hates confrontation so he would find it extremely hard to open up to anyone (apart from me luckily) let alone someone who is pretty aggressive and in your face in their way of dealing with things. DH thinks I just disrespect him and should agree with everything he says. While I agree with the philosophy of a united front, what do you do if you actually don't agree with the SD view or WAY of dealing with it more to the point?! He thinks they are OUR kids which is great in theory but if hes not acting like their HIS (don't see him doing this to his BD) then at final call should the SP back off and respect their partners wishes or keep trying to come to an agreement?? Help please?

Thanks so much for your

i completely understand my dh

i completely understand my dh is like that with his ss6 my bs cant get away with shit im not saying i want him to but theres certain things like what he wears that will have my dh go crazy ..like if my bs is wearing skinny jeans or if my dh takes out something for him to wear and he doesnt want to wear that ...my dh will take it as you need to listen to me when i tell you to do something and also my bs likes expensive shoes thanks to his dad his dad buys him jordans and nikes and addidas and he likes to have his laces tucked in where their not showing and that drove my dh crazy so he took them out and tied them on the outside and my bs threw a fit because it wasnt the way he liked it and my dh didnt care and so they fought about that ....and its so fucking stupid i just jump in and tell them both to stop arguing and tell my dh to leave him alone ...its all a power trip....sometimes the mama lion just needs to protect her cubs regardless of who is attacking them.

I wish. I have the complete

I wish.

I have the complete opposite os a step son from that of your hubby. Sounds to me that he needs to disengage if he's not happy.
I would love to have a step son that was respectful. Mine is an all around disrespecting little shit.
Sit him down and tell him your son, your rules. thats what I've done and I'm much happier for it.
Good luck.

Thanks for all the feedback

Thanks for all the feedback and help. I have tried to tell DH that I believe the final call should be the bio parents and am happy to let him have that call with his BD however he thinks that as he has been in the kids lives since they were very young and its him that pays the bills as the 'head of the house' ra ra that he won't back down on stuff that really bothers him (and its sweating the small stuff to me, if it was major bad stuff I'd agree. Can't believe its worth losing our marriage over it but I think its going to come to that. Some of the reason I don't want him disciplining him is the WAY HE DOES IT/SAYS IT and I don't want my son to end up losing respect for him and rebelling. Unless its really serious naughty stuff that I want him to back me up on then I can handle him at the mo. Really don't know what to do, as the rest of our marriage is pretty good without all this. :?

Hi, I am DH (To the OP).

Here is my side of the story.

BM's first husband suddenly left the scene when SS was 3 years old. He was a mess when I met him as he had no idea where is Father went which caused obvious emotional damage. This has also made BM extremely protective which I can understand. Unfortunately it is unhealthy now that SS is nearly 16. It has also caused us big issues over the last 10 years. (over-protection)

Our 15 Y/O son (My SS) is generally a good natured boy in general, yes. The problem is, is the things he is allowed to do and the moods he gets in because of these things he is allowed to do. He also is very pushy when things don't go his way and he is manipulative with electronic equipment in the household. The kids laptop (2 x other sisters) is meant to be shared, but it lives in HIS room because he thinks it is perfectly fine to do so.

I have always hated this, but have stayed out of it until now. The two girls have to ask him if they can use it which is completely wrong!

He has zero control on internet, Xbox and ipod usage (fully unlimited) until early hours of the morning.
He is a typical selfish teenage boy who cooks for himself, makes his own coffee and leaves a mess 90% of the time, however the other 10% he does offer (without being asked) to do things such as cooking, vacuuming which is too unbalanced for my liking. He also fully expects his BM and myself to pay for everything and drive him places on a whim, yet he struggles to fill out a job application form. If I drive him somewhere and stop on=route for more than 15 minutes to do an errand or see a friend etc. he whinges and moans that he wants to go home. If he was 8 or 10 years old I would understand but nearly 16, no way.

He struggles to have any other thoughts than what he wants at any present time, which I know is typical teenage boys, but I cannot accept. It is now the holidays and he sleeps in until 2pm, then is on the computer, x box until early hours or watching youtube. He has given up on his guitar and cannot find any local friends, as he doesn't think they are 'cool' enough which doesn't help. All his 'real' friends are a 20 minute drive away.

He plays sport for a few hours a week which is great, but that is also unbalanced with regards to his cyber addiction.

He is NOT looking for a job in any way whatsoever, I have been trying to encourage him to get job applications, but he is 100% NOT interested even though BM thinks he is. (Not sure how, as he has NEVER shown any type of interest in this in any way whatsoever). He may say it with words, but the actions are dissolved within minutes as he is too busy playing on the internet. The current job application he has filled out was completed after being pushed to completion by myself moaning at him)

I cannot stand uncontrolled internet usage and this has been a huge issue for our family the whole way through.
This is unhealthy and would never bring up children this way myself. BM has also agreed with this lately, but does not want to actually put rules in place as she thinks it will create too many headaches!

The boy is nearly 16 years old and at this rate will not leave home until he is 25 as his maturity level is low.

Oh.. And one more thing that

Oh.. And one more thing that really doesn't help.

We originally installed a timer for the internet usage, (Strongly against BMs wishes) which, more than once was simply removed from the wall by SS by walking into our bedroom in the middle of the night and bypassing it.

This was done even after telling him there would be serious consequences if he broke the rules.

So, as a stepfather am I meant to allow this and go 'aaw, Mum can sort this one out' I really don't think any man would handle that sort of behaviour, even from their BS.

But... This shows how the addiction has owned him.

Yes YOU did install a timer

Yes YOU did install a timer as you say against my wishes, hard to back someone if you aren't in agreement. I was ok with it during school time but as they were allowed on a bit more in the holidays thats when it got taken out. So it wouldn't cut out at the earlier school time. He also mostly stopped using his XBox so it wasn't so much of an issue.

Oops entered comment under

Oops entered comment under hubbies log in....ignore this and see below

Ok I am going to answer that

Ok I am going to answer that so people have a good idea of where things are. firstly this is part of my fustration as you 'exaggerate' and only see the negative. Lets keep it real. I will always 'protect' both of my kids if they are being picked on, or made to feel like their not good enough. Disciplining or teaching kids when they're doing wrong calmly and with empathy/respect I have no problem with.

Yes I agree my bs does spend more than the ideal time on screens, sadly one of the reasons I let this happen is to keep him out of the way of his SD who has always struggled when all 5 of us are together at the same time. I also struggle to think of ideas that interest a teen where we live and feel for him that hes restricted in getting to his friends or activities. He has no way of getting anywhere as we are rural and there is no bus service.
He does however have some restrictions, he has only been going on it more lately with a new game and it being school holidays. Before that he hadn't used his XBox in months! I have told him midnight is late enough and only if he has nothing on the next day. I am not allowing him to sleep in till 2pm everyday. Some days if he has nothing on, I will let him till 12. Its normal for teens to sleep and grow a lot! This is all countered a bit for me by the fact that when he does get up he IS NOT in a bad mood and is happy to do the jobs asked of him and engage in conversation etc. Maybe he doesn't with DH but that says something in its self. He is also not allowed on it on a beautiful sunny day, he can find something to do and if he can't I will find some jobs for him. Which he does. He also gets up and does a workout with weights which a truly lazy person would not do. Do not understand how DH cannot see this.

Next year he can drive, has money to get his own car, WANTS TO HAVE A JOB so he can run it and will be off. When hes finished high school and is working he cannot wait to go flatting and be independant (like me at that age) so to say he is too immature and won't leave home till 25, is just unecessary and a low blow. Certainly doesn't make a mother want to feel warm to the person saying it.

He is a tidy clean teen who keeps his room nice without being asked, showers daily without being asked and helps clean the house. Yes he sometimes leaves his plates on the bench etc instead of putting straight in the dishwasher. Maybe if DH would role model how to do this properly he would follow you down that route instead of copying you.

Yes him not returning the laptop to the office when hes finished is a bit naughty but lucky for him the girls have other gadgets there into more and dont' use it much. They do not have to 'ask him' if they can use it. They tell him they want a turn and he hands it over knowing hes had more than his share. If there was any issue I would make him anyway. It has sat in his room while he has been away for a day and night and not one sister has bothered to use it, so DH dont' make out they don't use it cos they can't be bothered with the hassle of asking him.

DH's bd16 also has no restrictions on screens and does it just as much but that doesn't seem to bother her dad the same. Until last week when she bought a pool membership at my persistence now that she has a car to get around, she did no sport, exercise, extracurricular activities etc. Also sleeps into lumchtime sometimes.

He DOES want a job and picked up and filled out the application form within a couple of days, went to drop it back and DH said it wasn't filled out nice enough as it had twink on it so he got another and that one he sat on for a while. A combination of me wanting to go over it with him and DH re the hours etc and holding off as he had some work through me that was going to be a lot easier in that I didn't have to drive him to and from this work. Thats why it wasn't handed on not because hes lazy. He will be very nervous working in a large busy supermarket as hes not overly confident and shy but he is pushing himself out of his comfort zone with the help of us. So don't understand how DH can possibly say he is 100% not interested in getting a job. Just seems to be another negative dig. Which I find very upsetting.

Lastly I am happy to put boundaries in place, I already have some. I don't like lots of 'rules' on everything but have a few basic ones which the kids all respect and live by.

You see the slightest negative as a huge flaw in my BS15 and put him down to me regularly, so it still seems to me to be a step issue and power play. I feel like I have to make a choice between my husband and my son and I'm not sure why.

Help please people, am I being completely naieve and unreasonable here??

You are here

Step Teen/Parent issues