for just the 2 of you. like, maybe if she needs to talk she can say 'lets have some java and a convo" and then you will know she needs to talk. also make it just the 2 of you. or maybe you 2 can write/email back and forth that might make it easier for her and maybe you too.

get in SDs space when I get the 'feeling' she wants to talk. If she's in her room or something I'll just go in and lay by her and start chit chatting... if we're side by side and not looking at each other it seems like it's easier for her to open up and start talking to me. The note writing or emails is a good idea I think. Without that direct eye contact it seems easier to get my skids to start talking.

I think it's wonderful that you want to help her. I am very much the 'cool friend' to my SDs but I also make them behave and do their chores. MOST of the time I am very laid back with them and let them tell me what they want. I try to never let them see me react to what they say... just stay cool about it until I'm really sure what I want to say to them and then I find a way to bring subjects back up to give them my thoughts on it. With perfectson I can totally freak out if I want but with them I have to go about it differently.

It sounds like you love her and you really care. I hope you can find a way to reach out to her!

Seriously. Send her a hallmark "I was thinking about you" card in the mail. She'll love it, and it'll help her open up. Make a date for lunch or whatever for you and her once a week. Make it a tradition and keep it no matter what the heck is going on.

She probably doesn't speak to you because she's afraid too. Her mom is not there and she may be afraid you'll reject her too. I had a mom like that, it makes you really wary of getting close to other people. Chances are she thinks it's something about herself that makes mom stay away and she might be scared you'll see it too. Kids always have that ability to make things their fault.

It's great that she's in counseling, now someone aside from you guys can explain to her that it's not her fault, that her mom is the one with the problem. Poor kid.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on." ~Robert Frost

There came a point where I fought to be able to pick up SD from school. We had a good 30-40 minutes in the car of uninterrupted "us" time.

She would get in the car and I'd ask how her day was, and you know.. would get the "okay" or "fine" or whatever. So I would have something ready to talk about - like I saw an article that was interesting or something on the news or a song on the radio or just pointed something out along the road! Just something ordinary and every day. I had the radio on loud enough for us both to hear what was on, in case that could spark something.

And I would tell her what I thought about it. Or would tell her stories from when I was younger. Dumb things my parents would do to me, or whatever. For example, when I was little, we would only eat dinner together at the big table on special holidays. And whoever sat next to my dad had to be careful because he would butter his bread and then you'd be sitting there eating, and he would "plop" just "get ya" on the cheek with a slice of buttered bread!" Silly little fun memories to get her laughing and to get her to know me better. It's funny, but we stepparents a lot of times lose out on the sharing of childhood memories - of our own. The kids will know their parents' stories, but not ours. So it's a good thing to share.

As we got to know each other better, and talked more, I'd start asking her what she THOUGHT about things. Not what she's doing, or what she did... but what she THOUGHT. So I'd say, "I like this song. It reminds me of x,y, z.. Do you have a song like that? " or.. "I read this article and I thought it was interesting. Do you think that's weird?"

It wasn't anything heavy duty or special even. It was just run of the mill stuff. Mostly humorous!

So, I guess the first thing I would suggest is getting this kid alone. Take her shopping at the mall or out to lunch or something. If it were me, I'd make comments with some humor about things you see. The more you can get her just to talk about the ordinary, the more she'll open up (in my opinion) about the extraordinary.

And SD over here never mistook our conversations for leniency. Sometimes my stories were about what I used to get in trouble for when I was younger!! Or, what I think should happen to whatever...

One other thing.. please don't give up!! There are times that SD will say, "I don't want to talk". But then, she's also the first to say that she knows she doesn't talk willingly. Sometimes it does need to be "dragged" out of her! Trying to find that balance is still something that I sometimes do right.. and sometimes still do wrong. You'll get it!!

Have fun... and please let us know how it goes!

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***