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Too young, but I am a step mom of a teen girl

beamer's picture

Submitted by beamer on Sun, 04/26/2009 - 12:44am

My step daughter is really a very good kid. She has all the same challenges that most teens do, my question to all is where do I draw the line on letting her "get away" with things. My husband, dad, works nights on the weekends, so I am the one in charge. i have caught her a few times lieing, sneaking out of the house, and drinking. We have talked all together about these issues and she has been making a great effort lately. but tonight she came home at 11 as requested, but went straight to bed with her friend who was staying over. they did not get a drink or a snack, just ran straight up the stairs and to bed. Now I am 29, not to far from that era, I am damn near positive the girls were drinking or smoking, but I did not go to her room to confirm. I am tired of getting her in trouble. It makes me the bad parent, as the step parent aready. I also wonder how much my parents knew I was up to, and let me get away with. I was a crazy teen myself, and this is whjy I know when she is up to know good. so should I turn a vague blind eye?????

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bewitched's picture

Submitted by bewitched on Sun, 04/26/2009 - 1:44am

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
he know how you feel?

The only other thing I can think of is to talk to the SD yourself. If you have a communicating relationship, explain to her that you don't want to be put in that position, that you don't want to have to "rat her out", but when she breaks house rules, she leaves you no choice. Cause if something would happen because you didn't let your H in on what she's up to, it could mean huge trouble. That someone has to be the "enforcer" when her dads at work-for her own good-and since he's your husband, that would be you?

I posted about a nasty video SD17 had on myspace-thank goodness someone besides me emailed it to H. I know he and SD17 would've found a way to blame me for it if I had been the one to find it. As it stands now, he's seeing his daughter in a totally different (more accurate) light, and i didn't have to be involved. For a change.

How to be a good parent? Probably being what a teen would consider a "bad parent". So whether you're a step or birth parent on that note makes little diff. Kids don't like being caught-period.

TinaKay's picture

Submitted by TinaKay on Sun, 04/26/2009 - 7:48am

close you may feel in age. Far as sneaking out and lying you should confront her pronto, as she may in fact hurt herself by poor choices. Your H should back you up in all your efforts as long as they are resonsonble and you are not physically or emotionally cruel to the girl in your efforts. Her sneaking out at night could have severe consequences as there are many perils besides just getting drunk and maybe hurting herself ( assualt, rape, etc). Make sure you let her know your efforts are to protect not control her.

beamer's picture

Submitted by beamer on Tue, 04/28/2009 - 12:21am

I know that I must be the adult, and all of the scary things out there that can happen to kids. I wonder about turning a blind eye. When I have caught her drinking, and sneaking out immediate actions have been taken. In some cases I wonder about being 'too smart' i would prefer the kids to be home in my house at 11 and have something fishy, than break curfew cease contact and run amuck. If I suspect she is up to no good but is obeying the general guidelines won't I alienate her by seeking out her wrongdoings?

melis070179's picture

Submitted by melis070179 on Tue, 04/28/2009 - 8:05am

I think if you suspect but are not positive, you should not accuse, but definitely check up on her. Coming in at curfew is great, but its not enough if while the whole time she's gone she's breaking the rules. You need to let her know that. You'd be surprised what teenagers do these days that you DON"T suspect, so when you do suspect its probably just some of the time. I am 29 too, I remember all the stuff I did as a teenager. If she's already drinking and smoking, then 16, 17, 18 etc are gonna get really bad if you just ignore. I'd keep a very watchful eye, inform your DH when you suspect and why, as well as her. If she knows you're on to her, she might realize she's not as slick as she thinks. I'd warn her if she likes her freedom she needs to make sure she's making responsible decisions or that freedom will be gone!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

Gia's picture

Submitted by Gia on Tue, 04/28/2009 - 6:21am

issue, as I'm 20 and SD is 5 !!!!

~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's

kaffonseca's picture

Submitted by kaffonseca on Tue, 04/28/2009 - 8:22am

I'm a BM of a 13yr old girl going on 21..Im 35 but still young at heart..and like you I know what I was up to at that age (prob. worse than she is)..my daughter hasn't gotten into the whole drinking issue yet..but the whole hanging out thing is starting and boys calling for her outside of her window..I understand what you mean...her and I have always had a "friend" relationship as well as a parental relationship..but now is when the friends have to stop and the parenting really take charge...she will HATE me at times...but I can look back and thank God my SD was VERY strict with me (I still snuck out,etc)...but thanks to him being so strict (he showed up at my girlfriends house one time at 3am and dragged me home)..if it weren't for him being that strict I'm sure I would not have the good life I have now. ... and I HATED him..HATED him back than..but now have the utmost love and respect for him.

Talk to her, communication is key..perhaps go up and knock on her door and talk to the girls..let them know you know wht it's like at their age..and be open with them...but stick to your strict rules. It's tough..very tough.

"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"