SD16 suddenly hates me for no reason - what can I do?
4 stepchildren - SD13, SD16, SS18, SD26. I've been in their lives for six years, and on mostly good terms. There have been occasional issues with kids being mad at my boyfriend (their Dad) but it always resolves. Now, SD16 says she doesn't like me, never liked me, and will no longer have any relationship with me. This came about during a disagreement she had with her dad about a Facebook post I made, referencing him. She called him screaming, incensed at a nickname he has for me, said he never thinks of his kids, is a POS dad, I'm disgusting and never wanted to talk to him again. I texted her and apologized that my post offended her, straightened out a fact she had wrong (that he "took" me on vacation, and never them), and said her dad loved his kids more than anything, would do anything for them, and she should apologize to him for being so cruel. She let loose how she has never liked me (hard to believe since we often had good times together, with and without Dad), what I posted was gross for her to see, stay out of their relationship, and she will no longer have any relationship with me. The disagreement came about because of me, so I responded because of that, and because I can't stand that she says thing that are abjectly false, and never corrected. This is the third time a potentilaly hurtful fact concerning me has been hurled, and I decided I won't sit idly by anymore, when it comes to me. If I hadn't been the source of this particular argument, I would have kept to myself.
They've spoken, and straightened out their issue to a degree, but I'm still persona non grata with her, and tbh it kills me. I love these kids, enjoy the time we have them and try to be considerate of their time with their dad as well. The issue is with SD16 right now, and I don't know if there is anything I can do, or what I should do. SS18 is rarely around anymore, as he's working full time, and SD26 only visits occasionally. SD13 is very easygoing, and seems to not care about their argument, we get along well (but the I thought SD16 and I got along well also, so....) SD16 came reluctantly to family dinner last week, but originally said she would not if I was going to be there. BF said he will not cater to this in our home, she has to decide if she wants to see him or not, that her not wanting me to be here is not my problem as it's my home. As it ended up, I had to work late, so I missed dinner but arrived home just before they were leaving. Apparently they had tried to discuss at dinner whatever her issue is, and she won't / can't say. Just holds to "I just don't like her" with no justification and bursts into tears.
Dad is a good dad - works 3 jobs to support his family (I fully support myself, another fact SS18 and SD16 had mentioned previously, that was wrong). We have them every other weekend, and one weeknight for dinner. He works Saturday overnight - at first, his mom had kept the kids for his overnight shift, but for the past two years they've stayed at our home with me, with no issues. He doesn't spend as much time with them as they would like, but takes interest in their lives and stays involved. He thinks this is teenaged girl hormones and will blow over, but isn't the best with confronting uncomfortable situations head-on. Their mother does not like me, and the feeling is mutual. Each of her children has had issues with her during the time I've known them, but seemed like "regular" teen/parent stuff, nothing too crazy. The kids have told their dad things she's said about me, that were complete lies, so lord knows what else has been said. I just try to be me, and hope they see whatever BS they've heard doesn't match with the person in front of them.
I ask friends I know for advice, but being a mom is different than a stepmom, and no one I know has this perspective. I came here looking for hope, or direction. The posts I've read ....don't seem hopeful. I love these kids, they're the closest to family I have.
Is he a good dad? Because my
Is he a good dad? Because my DH would have told his son if he didn't like what he saw on Facebook to stop looking, and would certainly not have put me in the position of having to apologize for ... nothing.
She will keep this up as long as DH gives her the message that he's OK with it.
He did exactly that - told
He did exactly that - told her not to look, or get over it. I apologized because I thought it would help, obviously I was incorrect, though in hindsight there is some bigger issue.
You cannot make her like you
Accept that. Your DH can demand she respect you, but given that he constantly misses dinners with her, you both have to accept that she can pass on dinners too.
Right, because she's also an
Right, because she's also an adult who has 3 jobs. *where is that dang eye roll emoji".
He CHOSE to have 4 kids
If that means working more hours, that is what it means. And if cannot be home for them, not certain why they should come over. We dont even know if he tried to switch some nights
Not sure how he misses dinner
Not sure how you think he misses dinner - he sees them every Wednesday night, and dinners each weekend we have them. He leaves for work at 6pm Saturday, returns at 7:30am Sunday, so he misses Saturday night shenanigans, but not dinner. And he doesn't mind if they miss a weekend or Wednesday night dinner for things with their friends, or work, or other plans - he understands they are growing up and want to have a life outside of Dad. Her intending to miss Wednesday dinner was ...spiteful? because of me. And she didn't come this weekend for the same reason. He seems to feel fine, that it will all blow over - I'm the one bothered more than anything. I don't know how she feels, because she can't seem to articulate it to him.
You are saying that he is not there for Saturday night dinner.
So that is missing the dinner. Why should she come for dinner just with you?
yeah, no. The dinner is a
yeah, no. The dinner is a routine scheduled Wednssday night dinner with 2 SDs (not the SS who is often working nights). It's not JUST me, it's ALL of us, as it's been for 6 years. She said she would not come, if I was going to be there.
So he misses the Saturday night dinner when she is there
So she misses other dinners.
Are you being purposely
Are you being purposely obtuse? The Wednesday night dinner is a special dinner with everyone. Saturday night is NOT a special planned dinner with everyone. He does NOT miss Wednesdays. She DOES miss Wednesdays.
No, I just dont see the difference between Sat and Wed
One day dad misses, the other day the kid misses. Life goes on. The kid is scheduled to be there Sat night and dad is not there.
Kids are not equal to adults.
Kids are not equal to adults. They don't get to refuse visitation until they are 18, unless the parents agree. The father is working during that dinner, presumably so he can help support SD16. He's not refusing because his fee-fees are hurt and he's mad at something that was none of his business in the first place.
If you really can't see the difference, there is no point in trying to help you understand.
He's not refusing because his
He's not refusing because his fee-fees are hurt?!?!?!?!
I am cracking up right now! This argument is by far the best I have seen in two weeks on this site!
Sorry, missed the headline of
Sorry, missed the headline of your post - I know I cannot 'make' her like me, and though I want her to, I don't make any particular special effor that's just for her. I'm good to them all, because I enjoy it and love them. I'm just baffled as to how it suddenly did a 180. She was fine with me, and now it's the polar opposite.
She is a female teenager.
She is a female teenager. What is there to be baffled about?
You're right! I'm just not
You're right! I'm just not used to being the object of her disdain.
It's not YOU personally it's
It's not YOU personally it's your position in her father's life. That's why she cannot explain her reason. She feels like if you were not there your DH will be making her a priority and spending more (fun time) with her, hence the fb post about the vacation. It's not even the vacation, perse, it's that you were on the vacation and not her.
Bottom line, your SD issue is with her father but it's easier for her to target you instead. My OSD26 made her distain towards me known at around 15 but I always kind of knew in the back of my mind because of her hot/cold behavior, she just got bold enough to verbalize it at that age behind my DH's back. It wasn't in a blantant disrespectful way like your SD's wasn't but if your DH doesn't put a stop to her behavior now it will progress. She may not have ever liked you being in the picture but was kind to you because you paid more attention to her then your DH (like my situation) but she has somehow created a competition between you and her in her head because she sees your DH loving on you and spending time with you. My SD even started creating drama between us as if I was doing/saying things to make her feel left out or like a "red head step child" and had people thinking I was mistreating her until my DH cleared it up with his family.
I'm afraid you and your SD relationship is only going to get worse from here because she was able to get away with letting you and your DH know she doesn't like you without him holding her accountable by 'making' her explain why. And she is going to start ramping up the drama because of that by testing to see how far your DH or you for that matter, will allow her to go. But the end game will be to get you to engage in arguments so she can show your DH that you are the problem. The best advice I can give you is to disengage from her for your own emotional sanity. Grieve the loss of the relationship you once had with her and when you do see her be polite but distant. Eventually she will take her anger out on your DH, the one she really has an issue with and he will be forced to deal with her or not.
This is very helpful info,
This is very helpful info, and explains a lot. Thank you for taking the time to articulate it so well, I think you hit the nail on the head.
You're welcome. I know how
You're welcome. I know how hard this is because I've walked a mile in your shoes and it does hurt. Just know that their opinion of you is not a reflection of who you are, they (SD and BM) are merely jealous. My SD's BM hated me and also said mean and untrue things about me (and DH for that matter), from day 1 for no apparent reason and I believe that plays a big role in this. Like your SD, mines was also her BM's spokesperson in our home. The difference is my SD never said any of these things to my DH and instead let me know the "secrets that were between her and I and not to tell dad". So when I informed DH it was also hard for him to confront her head on but he did talk to her privately and she also would shed the tears to get him to stop.
It's complete manipulation but you have to see to it that it's nipped in the bud whether your DH does it or you, especially in your home. It sounds like your DH is trying to put a stop to her behavior, like mines did but consistently is key. My DH thought the same, that she would grow out of it and still at 26 she use the punish/reward tactic on him. That's his fish to fry though because I'm out... Good luck and rooting for ya!
When they are mad
They rewrite history to there liking. To make there point make sense. To make it look that they are being disrespected
This is very true, and
This is very true, and especially frustrating because I'm a literal kind of person. When I hear the facts skewed, I feel the need to clarify. Usually I don't, becauee it's easier, but hearing someone's opinion of me based on a falsehood makes me crazy.
She doesn't have to like you
She doesn't have to like you but she does have to be respectful of the fact that you are dads partner and when she visits it your home.
Shes 16, teenagers are dramatic at the best of times. Dont they all go through a "my parent(s) dont love me and it's all XX's fault?" Just if theres a step parent involved they are the easy target.
Personally I'd be quite blunt and have a conversation with her next time that is basically; ok I hear you, you dont like me, that's fine your not obligated to like me but you do need to be polite whilst staying in my home.
I try to remember being a
I try to remember being a teenager, but forget. I used to tell my bf he's had years of practice from the beginning, where I jumped in mid-race with these kids. I guess I get frustrated because it goes fine, then flips for no visible reason. What you suggested is a good idea, thank you!
Facts should never be burried
Facts should never be buried. Keep rubbing them in this toxic 16yos face and she can tantrum out all she wants. You did the right thing. Except for the apology. Never apologize to toxic POS people who are being evil and manipulative. Which is exactly what this POS teen is doing.
smh
DH gets it and did the right thing. You need to quit catering to irrational teen crap. If she does not have the maturity or intellectual capability to explain her feelings then those feelings have no merit and are complete bullshit. Keep those facts rubbed firmly up her nose. Just like you would the nose of a puppy who pees on the carpet. Puppies learn to not pee on the carpet, teens can learn to not pee on the relationship carpet with toxic ridiculous crap.
The concept of rubbing a dog
The concept of rubbing a dog's noses in its own waste is very antiquated training. It's also a cruel comparison. Few teens have the maturity or intellectual capability to explain feelings because their brains physically haven't developed to that point yet. It's possible to have firm boundaries while having compassion. She's clearly hurt, and if the root of that hurt is she wants to spend more time with her dad, (and possibly wants to spend more time with both dad and OP), what's the matter with spending more time with her?? Obviously having a serious, firm talk about how she should have communicated those feelings should happen, with maybe a privilage taken away, but her punishment should not be neglect or ostracisation.
It sounds like she's jealous
It sounds like she's jealous of the relationship you have with her father
I'm basing this on some of her other comments about him being a POS father, taking you on vacation on not them, etc. etc.
And I'm basing this on similar behavior that I experienced fromed my OSD, right around the same age at the time as yours is
If she is in fact jealous, there really is nothing much you can do to fix this...in fact,the harder you try the more she may send you a consistent message that this is war and you are the enemy
Let it go
Disengage
Remember she has the issue not you
Focus on everyone else in your life that is good energy and enjoy your time with them and doing things you enjoy
When your SD sees that she's not impacting your life, not controlling the relationship any longer, and you're surviving just fine without her 'approval' she just may smarten up
On a great note, your DH seems to have your back on this, and that is amazing. That will go a long way towards how much this girls really gets away with/thinks she'll get away with
Definitely sounds like she is
Definitely sounds like she is jealous of their relationship. So unfortunate.
My boyfriend and I had a more
My boyfriend and I had a more in depth talk last night about it, as tonight is the weekly dinner, and she hasn't said if she's coming. His text to them about dinner is unanswered, but it's not unusual because their mother often punishes by confiscating phones. He'll show up to pick them up as usual, and whoever comes, comes.
We talked about her jealousy of time spent with me, which behaviors we think are deemed being disrespectful in our home, and how to move forward. He completely supports that our behavior and life will not change, because of her choice to change her behaviors - this has been his stance all along. She'll continue to be invited to family things with the other kids, but I told him I'm not comfortable having her stay overnight with me, while he's on his overnight shift. So she (or they, if the youngest doesn't wish to stay without her sister) will leave with him when he leaves for work, and he'll pick them up in the AM after he's done. I'll continue my normal activities and attend events, or not, as I always have, due to my own work schedule. We're still saving for a family vacay, which may end up being just us and I'm fine with that. Just moving forward.
I really appreciate the time you all took to reply to this - it gave me the confidence to step back from feeling hurt and angry, and deal with this from a more logical perspective.
First, I think there is a lot
First, I think there is a lot you can be proud of here. When you found out SD was upset, you apologized to her and tried to reconcile. You are focused on how much you love her and your other SKs, and it sounds like you keep things in a healthy perspective with the BM. You also have a supportive DH, which not everyone has. It's good he backs you up and tells them to be respectful to you.
Something that stood out to me is the possible connection of BM not liking you and the sudden disdain from SD. My guess is SD is angry about something and it doesn't directly have to do with you, but since you're loving to her, she might feel safe to lash out at you. SD might be projecting her mother's feelings (saying she "never liked you" even though sounds like that isn't true) perhaps because she wants to be closer to her BM and doesn't know how to express it. It could be she's jealous of you because she wants to spend more time with her dad. These are just guesses, but examples of how teenagers could be angry about something and have no idea how to express or comunicate it.
Before anything, I would definitely stop posting anything personal on any social media. That is never a good idea. Personal issues should be talked about with a confidant in person or direct messaging.
With addressing her, let some time pass, giving her some space, and maintaining politeness/kindness. Then have a sit-down talk with her. Not over text/emailing/DMing, have everything in-person. Tell her what you said above: how much you love her, how sorry you are that you hurt her feeelings, that she has also hurt your feelings, and that you want to be in her life to support her. Remind her that it's up to her if she really wants you out of her life, and you can't control that, but it would make you very sad. Ask her why she's upset at you, besides the FB post. What is it exactly that made her "never" like you? Keep asking questions about what's going on. Say you want to know how to avoid these mistakes in the future. Remember that teenagers still don't have their decision-making portion of their brain developed, and still don't know how to sort out their feelings. Let yourself be the model on how that should look.
You seem like a very kind and loving person so she's lucky. :)
This is all very, very
This is all very, very helpful. Thank you! I have a tendency to want to discuss things head-on, which doesn't seem to be the way this family operates. it doesn't make either way right or wrong, I just have to learn how to address things differently. I really appreciate your reply.
Update on SD16
Last night was Wednesday family dinner, SS18, SD16, SD13 all attended. Things with SD16 have been cool but cordial since the bruhaha, but totally fine with the other kids. SD16 has visited three times, but not stayed for the weekend due to her social life. She's said hello and goodbye to me, but directed all conversation to her dad and sister. I've done the same, just trying to keep things "nice" to move forward, and give some space and time.
Before dinner, she had called my boyfriend , very upset with BM. BM has a new-ish boyfriend (couple of months), and SD16 feels neglected (again). BM has always put her needs before anything, sometimes to the detriment of everyone else. I think it's healthy for kids to not always be the only focus for parents - parents need an identity outside of parenthood. But BM took it way too far, when SKs were much younger, forcing some major upheaval in housing, financial issues and more. Kids are older now, and can take care of many of their own needs, but they're recently more vocal in resenting BM's current and past selfishness.
Anyway, SD16 told Dad she wants to move in with us. A little history - SS18 lived with us for some months last year, after a major fight with BM and she threw him out. Eventually they reconciled, but SS18 and I had some issues during his stay , because Dad wasn't consistent with enforcing chores /punishments etc, and I'd speak up about it. He left, we've been fine since and now SD16 realizes there is an alternative living situation. BM often threatens "then go live with your father", and it doesn't work like she had thought/hoped.
I would never turn his kids away, unless interactions were totally toxic and out of control, but am wary of the situation. I reminded him I don't want her alone here with me, until we have a conversation and some resolution about whatever our issue is. I also see that she's very, very sad right now, so I don't want to be a bully with her.
He asked her how she'd live with me, and not have any relationship or contact with me (as she said she wanted) and she said she'd rather be with me than her mom, because BM is a constant yeller, and degrading in her words. I'm sure some of her story is dramatized, but I've seen BM in nasty mode, so some is accurate.
Kids have the week off from school for teacher conference, so BM told BF to keep them till Sunday. So we'll be talking this out sooner than later.
Advice on a potential change in custody /living arrangements?
I would suggest that you and
I would suggest that you and DH consider the common denominator perspective. The commo denominator in SD-16's dramatic crap is SD-16..Her sibs are fine but SD-16 is manipulative in both BM's home and in yours.
Sit her down, outline it for her, and ask her what SHE will do differently to change the outcome of her crap in both your home and BM's home.
It appears that for SD-16 it does not matter where she is. She has similar drama at BM's and at your home. So bare her ass, keep consequences escalating for her crap behavior and stay the course.
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this. I, too, thought I had a decent relationship with my SD and SS, but they became teenagers, things degraded and now they don't talk to me at all.
I highly recommend the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin. Have your boyfriend read it, too. It explains how stepmoms often become the scapegoats for unresolved divorce pain. You are allowed to disengage from parenting duties. It will save your sanity.
Also, if your stepdaughter refuses to be civil with you (save for the occasional teenage flareup), she most defintely should not be spending the night when your boyfriend is not there.