20 year old SD plans own birthday event and informs Daddy...and he goes along with it
I'm baffled by the behavior of these two wicked girls. They lie, steal, and manipulate constantly. They treat me like I am invisible and now after 15 months of insults and rude behavior, the oldest who will turn 20 has designed her own birthday event with her dad and grandparents...yet again ignoring the fact that I even exist. If I say ANYTHING at all...not an insult...just express that this is wrong...I am yelled at by daddy. The last time we ran into her in a public place she wouldn't walk to within 6 feet of him if I was with him and the time he saw her before that was to try to undo a $600 phone she had put on his account. Honestly, I am so over the whole thing. Her little sister is the one who threw a fit and got mad at me because I told her to put her clothes in the hamper that was less than a foot away from where she dropped them on the kitchen floor. Big sissy wasn't there and was not at all involved..but she took up the case on whatever lies her baby sister told her. How do people do this step-parent stuff? By the way this was my home they were in...and daddy told me to address the clothes thing as he claimed they would respect me more if it came from me.
How do you do it? First, you
How do you do it? First, you tell your dh that it cannot work if he puts you on the level of a kid. He either trusts your judgment and supports your actions or why is he married to you? You can privately discuss policy and make agreements and compromises with each other but he must always trust that your intentions are good as you will trust that his are, too. Publicly you are The Team. In front of the kids, support and defend each other.
If he doesn't see marriage that way, tell him you have a much bigger problem that whose kids left laundry on the floor.
Second, you enforce your own personal boundaries with the skids. Do NOT make yourself smaller, quieter, lesser in order to "keep the peace." Stand strong, be yourself, defend yourself. If SD avoids dad if you are standing near him, her loss. Do NOT back away so they can be together. NO NO NO NO NO.
If your DH cannot support this plan, better to find out now than to slog through it for years till you become a wreck and hate him anyway.
^^^THIS!^^^ Please take this
^^^THIS!^^^ Please take this advice seriously. Just after DH and I got married I asked SD to pick up my best blanket she had left in the floor. She became angry and told DH I was making her uncomfortable. This was my house also. He didn't support me either. This went on for 20 years and only got worse as time went on. If I had it to do over again I would have set boundaries for both DH and SD: SD would have been able to stay in my home only if she respected my boundaries. DH would have remained my husband only if he supported me and we were presented and a united team to SD.
Totally agree! It doesn't get
Totally agree! It doesn't get better! Even if the skids PAS out, the finger pointing at SM still goes on and on and on.
Thank you so much for putting
Thank you so much for putting words to what I know. I agree that it is her loss. I just am a sensitive person who feels his pain if they are hurting him. At this point it is clear that neither child is going to be back in my home treating me like I am invisible. And I am horrible at taking this treatment in silence. All I said last night was that her birthday celebration was wrong. Not wrong to have dinner with his child for her birthday if he so pleases...having it imposed on him more than 2 weeks prior to the actual day and orchestrated is wrong. It is no longer the desire to get together to celebrate a milestone it is a demand for a gift on her terms. He is so willing to give in to any scrap she offers. He admits she is his favorite child and when he left her mom he allowed her to slip into his BFF role. Mind you she was all of 11 at that point. The other complicated issue is that he and I actually met at age 15, were married and divorced young and are now back together after other failed marriages. We know that we are meant to be together and are comfortable with that...his kids are not so good with it. Mine is just fine with it. But she was raised differently...obviously.
Well said StepAside!! Helpful
Well said StepAside!! Helpful for me as well.
"It's like dogs. If someone
"It's like dogs. If someone is an irresponsible pet owner, they can wind up with a dog that bites. It's not up to the owner to dictate to other people, how they should respond to being bitten. It's the owner's responsibility to teach his dog what is and is not acceptable behavior." An interesting analogy. I agree 100%. It DOES seem like a double standard, doesn't it? That the OP wants to protect DH but he doesn't seem to be motivated to protect SM. Like you my priority is now how I will be treated. DH is old enough to take acre of himself.
Again, thank you all for
Again, thank you all for taking time out to help me. I appreciate the inspiring words and the time it took out of your day. It amazes me that this isn't unique. It seems so bizarre to me. But 15 months with very little of their mistreatment in my life has been very nice. It just always seems like the other shoe will fall. Every text every word to him is manipulation through and through. And he just plain is too guilty to man up and parent. It isn't too late but he won't. Their loss. I'm not a bad person. I work with kids all day. SD's were just allowed to grow like weeds with no direction. Goodness such a mess.
You said, "It amazes me that
You said, "It amazes me that this isn't unique."
One of the best things I learned on this site is that we here are not horrible, unloving, barely human beings. True,wWe aren't the unconditionally loving, perfect family blenders that the rest of the world fantasizes. In this--in our resentment of our skids (and in their resentment of us)--we're actually pretty normal.
You said, "It amazes me that
You said, "It amazes me that this isn't unique."
One of the best things I learned on this site is that we here are not horrible, unloving, barely human beings. We simply aren't the unconditionally loving, perfect earth mothers and family blenders that the rest of the world fantasizes. In this--in our resentment of our skids (and in their resentment of us)--we're actually pretty normal.
StepAside nailed it 100% It
StepAside nailed it 100% It is a result of daddy's disney parenting and it's friggin' so damned frustrating to see!!
My SO did exactly the same thing. Felt guilty because BM came out as a lesbian and lavished all his attention on SD from 7 through to 11 when I came into the picture. It was off putting and disgusting to me and I just couldn't put my finger on "why" until our counsellor and this site made me see clearly.
Even now, that she hasn't visited in over a year, he was told by our counsellor NEVER EVER reward bad behaviour - NEVER!! Well, her birthday came around, and disney wants to send her $150.00. Needless to say him and I had a massive fight over it and I told him if he wanted his daughter to continue to treat him like shit, then have at it - but it would be on his own, because I'd be gone.
I will not put up with that shit. Particularly when we have SS11 who still visits and is very respectful and I didn't want either him or my BS15 learning this type of behaviour.
It makes me so damned angry when he does this because I know if he keeps this up, she'll never learn, but will continue to emulate her Mom - who worships money, materialistic things and believes she should ALWAYS have control over SO because, you know, she spread her legs for him and spawned him two children.