I understand why Dad's give up
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I used to think every man that didn't see his kid on a regular basis was a "deadbeat dad". Now I understand why some of them give up. BM's control, manipulate, and make these kids her army against the dad and his new life. These men are tired of these horrible women and even after divorce they still try to control and ruin them. And even if you put up a million boundaries so BM can't disrupt your home, guess what? She can still make the kids into trashy, manipulative, vile, selfish, d-bags just like her! No winning.
You hit the nail right on the
You hit the nail right on the head! And the ones who don't give up, then not only have to deal with both of them, and are often in denial of what is right in front of them! Some days, DH will get it, and will say himself that SheSloth acts just like her mother! Like when we were talking about all the communication with the ex-boyfriend, and I pointed out that if I were him, she would be the LAST person I would confide in after she talks about him and laughs at him behind his back all the time. DH's comment was, "Well, remember who her mother is! One of the meanest people on the earth!" Other days, when it is brought up that SheSloth is like her mother, he defends the girl to the ends of the earth!
Oh the comment ~ just like
Oh the comment ~ just like her mother ~ I have never responds to that statement when in DF's presence but secretly I agree. I think they see that vision when they are in the heat of the moment. But never dare say anything negative. ( delusional )
I think their issue is that they have ( hope n faith) that someday they will see the light n be like them. What a freakin fantasy life you are in ~ like tatto would say ( the plane the plane ~ boss) I really question if they whole heartedly believe that their kid has the ability to change ~ from my perspective it is the old ~ the apple didn't fall far from the apple tree saying. She has no intention on changing ~ the pit bull grip is only gonna get tighter ~ you fool.
Walking away can sometimes be
Walking away can sometimes be the right thing to do. It is better than spending years in a tug of war which can ruin the child.
My DH would always say "look
My DH would always say "look who their mother is" but I always felt that he used this as an excuse for poor behavior instead of teaching them that their behavior was in no way acceptable. I can't agree more with your statement "and make these kids her army against the dad and his new life" <<<
2 weeks ago my SO looked me
2 weeks ago my SO looked me dead in the eye and said " I love my son, but I do not like him or the person he is becoming. He acts just like is mother and there is a reason I am not with her"
Wow! I love that SO could
Wow! I love that SO could admit that to you. My husband has admitted that OSD is a liar and a thief, but he is constantly looking the other way, and still handing out $$ to her. I wish my husband would reveal something along the lines of what your SO had said.
What I hear from DH all the
What I hear from DH all the time is - not much I can do when her mom let's her do X or I don't know what I can do to change X. My question to him has been - do you really not know what to do or do you know but you just don't want to do it? I already knew the answer before I asked it and of course he had no clue. You just don't want to do because you don't want to upset poor DD and be the bad guy. Then suck it up, accept it, and keep me out of it.
I think sometimes walking
I think sometimes walking away is best so then the child isn't used in more games. But I would also warn anyone considering walking away that the kids could wind up being very angry with you.
I completely agree with you.
I completely agree with you. I used to think the same thing before I met my husband. Now I see how difficult some BMs make it for the fathers to be in their child's life. I would even go so far as to say that in very high conflict situations, it might be in the child's best interest for the father to walk away. If he's not actively involved in his child's life, there's no reason for the BM to control anything, there's nothing for her to get mad about, and there's no way for her to use the child as a pawn against the father. Now whenever I hear of a supposed "deadbeat Dad" who walked away from his kids, I immediately wonder what the BM was like.
^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^ If
^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^
If father does not take the BM by the horns right off the bat and show her that he will not put up with any nonsense and that he is "on to her" then walking away is not as necessary.
If father rolls over and "goes along to get along" it becomes a game of one upmanship and a power struggle with loyalty conflicts. Eventually all respect is lost and father is ultimately forced to walk away.
EXACTLY!!! I've been in the
EXACTLY!!! I've been in the picture since SheSloth was 1. I've told DH from the beginning that he needed to put his food down about things before they got out of hand. His excuse was always that he was afraid that BM would never let him see his child. I reminded him, "That is what the court order is for! Put your foot down, and if she denies visitation because she doesn't get her way, you send the courts after her!" Never did, and what we have ended up with is no only BM acting like a spoiled rotten brat most of the time, but SheSloth as well...because that is what she has always seen her whole life! If she didn't feel like going to dad's, she didn't have to...BM would make up some excuse, and DH would roll over. SheSloth eventually learned that if she wanted to get her way with dear daddy, all she had to do was tell BM that daddy said no or won't let her do what she wanted, and there is BM screaming and cussing at DH on the phone until he gives in just to shut the both of them up!
I agree with this. But most
I agree with this. But most people have never heard of PAS or the signs. And most men have no idea in the beginning how to handle the ex and the new family dynamic. It has taken us YEARS to train BM in the things that she can not get away with (she always found loop holes somehow). I wish we had known in the beginning what was going on and maybe it wouldn't be the way that it is now.
Only if dad tolerates it. I
Only if dad tolerates it. I say bring the pain and force destruction down upon the manipulative blended family opposition. If they are reasonable, be reasonable. If not, bring the pain.
If the kids become tools of the X's PAS bullshit manipulation then bring the pain down on them too. Punish the SKids for their own inappropriate behaviors even if those behaviors are due to the X's manipulations.
If they can't listen, learn ... and think for themselves, they will have to feel.