You guys are on the right path. Problem with counseling is that I hear most people (mostly men) complain that "boohoo, the counselor is on HER side...".

Here's a question to you (congrats on the baby, BTW): If you break up, you will have even less help, so why even consider this as an option?

My ex was USELESS when both my babies were born, lived at the gym, went out to dinner alone, while I worked full time AND took care of the babies, one year apart. I did it, you can too!

Now, truth is- you hate SD (or at least what comes with her). Now, that you have to make peace with and realize that she is ZERO responsibility of yours, while DS is 50/50 responsibility. So, tell DH the numbers and have him offer 50% of his time to spend with the baby (he will anyways if you guys break up). Tell DH to at least spend as much time with the baby as he would if you guys were sharing custody. Makes sense to me. If you do not want to 'go there' right now, then at least draw out a weekly schedule for him to watch the baby while you do something by yourself.

As for being 'a friend' to SD- that is a stretch too. Our role as step-parents is to ACCEPT the step kids, do no harm to them, otherwise even 'being a friend' is a ridiculous expectation. To be a friend, you have to LIKE the person...and we all know how much we like these creatures LOL

After 18 months apart and 6 of those months in counseling SO has been home 2 months and it has it's ups and downs and often SO needs reminding of things we talked about. This weekend is going to be a big test for SO. One of our major problems was that whenever he has skids I am expected to ALWAYS be around a bow down to their every need, having older kids and working full time I felt this to be unfair and it caused MAJOR problems with us.So Saturday afternoon I am going for a hike with a friend i haven't seen in 2 months. SO is all good with it NOW let's see how he is by Saturday after noon. I will say some things have improved my leaps and bounds others still need reminding and work.

I love that the counsellor told your husband to stop expecting you to love his daughter like she's your own. I want to go to counselling with my husband but I want to find someone who knows what they're talking about with step families....someone who will tell my husband the same thing.

I have a 13 and 17 year old so my free time is not limited or depending on sitter, my kids and I do more age appropriate things when we do spend time together so my days of running around after kids and going to parks and bounce houses and Chucky Cheese type places are long behind me. At first our counselor was all about "well you got involved with a man with small kids" after about the 4 session I flat out said look I know what I got involved with but on the flip side HE got involved with woman with older kids, that ended that!

I have a 13 and 17 year old so my free time is not limited or depending on sitter, my kids and I do more age appropriate things when we do spend time together so my days of running around after kids and going to parks and bounce houses and Chucky Cheese type places are long behind me. At first our counselor was all about "well you got involved with a man with small kids" after about the 4 session I flat out said look I know what I got involved with but on the flip side HE got involved with woman with older kids, that ended that!

Counseling really works imo, if only to highlight what you will not put up with and give you the strength to say so. But ideally it works on stuck communication patterns between the partners, this hugely benefited me and my DH 3 years ago. It's not perfect after, but you have some tools to work with.
I'm appalled that he obeys BM's wishes as to what SD does on his times, never mind the point that it's incompatible with his family's needs, it's just not for her to legislate what he does. If you want to be blended, you both have to sit and think what he would do if the pair of the children were fully related and how you guys would break down your time with them. If it really would then be his view that the older kid should be taken to fun age-appropriate places whilst the baby stays at home all the time with the other parent, then you then have to look at the fact that you can't alternate those roles like a full set of parents would, ie he can't stay home with the baby whilst you entertain skid on an alternating basis just to give each child one-on-one parent time. No, in your view your blended family has kids that each need his time for at least some of those days therefore his only option is to stay home.
I have to admit that personally in your shoes I would be happy for him to get out and away with the skid and keep it out of my hair during my baby bonding time, but I do agree that it can be exhausting with a newborn. Look ahead though and be thinking, if you want to be blended, of indoor and outdoor activities that would involve the pair of the children with their disparate ages -- it's not impossible, my bios are 5 years apart and we were able to get out and about and entertain the both of them at their level of need. What I'm saying is there isn't automatically a conflict of interest between the kids here. But I'll repeat, if a family has attitude problems along the level your DH has, you in your shoes may wish to keep your kid quite uncoupled from the skid for the time being until the counseling has borne some fruit.

Marriage counseling worked for me. It did not do much for my first marriage though. Our issues were primarily due to disconnections associated with XWs adulterous skank whore extramarital sexual activities though at the time I was not aware she was cheating.

In the situation you describe I think it will be beneficial. What you are seeking is perfectly reasonable IMHO. SD and her visitation time with your DH must NOT be separate from your family time. SD integrates with DH, you and your son. PERIOD!!!

For some reason X’s and Skids often appear to think that the prior relationship spawn get dedicated time during visitation even when mom/dad have a subsequent family. Nope. Nor should they be allowed to separate the parent they are visiting from that parents new family. They integrate. They can do it the easy way or the hard way but they have no choice but to integrate of they are served a plate of abject misery until they do.

As for the X. They do what they are told when they are told, have no say, and no influence within the other half of the blended family picture. If they are reasonable then treat them reasonably. When they are unreasonable, smack the shit out of them with the CO/Supplemental Jurisdictional Rules/State regulations and get them back in to line.

It sounds that your therapist is clear on the message to DH that his responsibility is to his entire family and not just to his spawn by a prior relationship. If you and DH can commit to stay connected and work this as equity life partners it may just work.

Unfortunately far too many parents lose touch with the reality that an older child must behave appropriately for their age and not interfere with the opportunity of a younger child to be the younger child. This seems to be far more prevalent in blended families. New children are often neglected by the parent they share with older half sibs because of parental guilt. In an intact family the older kid(s) don’t get every weekend of dedicated or dedicated 1:1 time with either parent every time they see that parent so why should that be the case in a blended family? An occasional father/daughter day is certainly reasonable but separating from a spouse and new child on any kind of regular or extended basis in order to assuage guilt over the blended family situation of an older child is just bullshit IMHO.

A new half sib is still a brother or sister. An older kid does not get to pick if mom &/or dad have another child in any family situation so why would any bullshit related to this be accepted in a blended family any more than it would be in an initial family?

Good luck.