F-SD13 bad mouthing her father in text

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F-SD13 has an IPOD and with wifi she can message me. Her dad and I have been engaged two weeks and the amount of time she messages me tripled after we got engaged.

(This is also the young lady who doesn't want us eloping and has told me that her mom says it's my job to take her school clothes shopping now that I am "Part of the family". (I'm referring to my past posts from this past week)

Anyway, last thursday she messaged me that she was furious with her dad because he was choosing other things (i.e. "me?") over the kids because he told her mother he couldn't pick up F-SS11 from football practice. (There are 3 children and he was picking up F-SS14 at HIS practice four hours prior to that even though it is BM's scheduled time with all 3.

Anyway, I messaged back to talk to her dad about this but that I was pretty sure he was working (she argued that he isn't and she knew he wasn't etc) I ignored the remarks and just said let this be between grownups because kids have more important things to worry about.

Then I talk to my fiancé. He's had a really bad day and though he usually works till 10 in the evening he decides to reschedule his evening appointments. While he is picking up F-SS14 from practice this son asks him to stay at his house because he is sick of his mother. My fiancé (brainlessly in my opinion) says sure.

From that moment it was confirmed to 1) his ex wife and 2) his daughter that "He actually wasn't working that evening after all therefore 1) he lied and 2) I lied (which was not the case!)

So F-SD13 calls his cell phone while he is trying to relax and starts telling him off to which he tells her this is between her mother and him and she's a kid stay out of it.

Meanwhile, at first this F-SD13 didn't try to contact me again. Then yesterday she started with the text messaging again and I've pretty much ignored her. I explained to him that it's making me nervous that she thinks she can bad-mouth her dad to me (even though I try to redirect her without correcting her) and that she would be so brazen as to tell him off. So now she has posted a snide comment to Facebook about being "so annoyed with 'some people'" which I believe is directed at me

I told my fiancé that he needs to explain to her that any messages to me need to be cc'd to dad because it's not fair to discuss him (or anyone else i.e. her mother) whenever they are not present.

Thoughts?

Block her number.

I'm trying to decide if that

I'm trying to decide if that is too drastic? So far we have had a decently good relationship and I don't want to give her the impression that I don't care about her. But I am also reading the book Stepmonster right now and theres a part of me that is thinking, should I even bother trying very hard because she's gonna end up hating me anyway?

Jeez, they sure know how to

Jeez, they sure know how to play both sides, don't they?

My SD's had this problem, although I'm not sure it was quite to your level - at least they didn't try to play DH and I against each other! But they'd tell BM one thing, and tell us something else. Sometimes they would *wildly* exaggerate an incident, and other times they'd just make crap up. (They told us once that they "weren't allowed to mention Dad or Ally at BM's house". Yeah, we found out later that's because they were badmouthing us and BM was sick of hearing it.)

For us, it came to a head when I got pregnant. We told the girls, yay, everyone's happy, they want a brother, whatever. We drop them off at BM's. Almost immediately DH gets a phone call from BM saying the girls are *sobbing*, and he needs to come back. We go back, and all 4 adults (me, DH, BM, and SF) sit with the girls. BM says they told her we said we were "replacing" them with a new baby. DH and I are *gobsmacked*, looked at the girls and say, "What? Why did you say that?"

"We never said that!" they claim, little eyes looking at anyone but an adult, "She misunderstood!" BM was LIVID when she realized they were going to throw her under the bus. Basically, it came out of that conversation that they had been playing us - ALL of us - against each other. They figured that if we were all mad at each other and fighting, then they could (and they did!) get away with murder. That little pow-wow put a stop to that however.

So, from my perspective, I'd recommend a couple of things. One, do not take as Gospel Truth every word the skids utter. Take it with a VERY large grain of salt. It is entirely possible that BM said nothing at all about you spending money on them - they might just be fishing to see what they can get out of you. TALK to BM (no accusations), and ask her "Hey, skids said you wanted me to take them shopping?" and see what she says. If she says yes, then you can tell her what you like ("Sorry, I don't have the money for school clothes!", "Sure, I'll get them a couple outfits", whatever). But she might not have said that at all. COMMUNICATION among the adults is key to preventing the skids from running the show.

Two, you absolutely can and should correct them. It doesn't have to be mean - a simple "It is inappropriate for you to disparage either of your parents in front of me. I will not listen to you badmouthing an adult." Their father should be doing the same. One of my SD's once called her BM "stupid" in front of my own father. Before I could say a word (and I SO would have), my Dad ripped her a new one, telling her he never wanted to hear her utter a bad word about her mother again. Kids absolutely need correcting if they do something inappropriate - how else will they learn not to do it?

Deal with her yourself. Set

Deal with her yourself. Set your own boundaries. "I see you're upset, kid, but don't ever talk about your father like that again. He works VERY HARD for you and I don't want to believe you are an unloving or ungrateful person. I know you're better than that. Pickups are adult matters. When you have a driver's license and pay your own insurance, repair, maintenance and car payment, maybe then you can have an opinion."

Don't have her dad tell her the cc thing cuz then the illusion she can confide in you is gone and the sense she can have her own relationship with you is killed. Plus your bf will probably disappoint you in a big way on this anyway. Just skip that step.

But DO make your own boundaries clear. You may or may not lose your good rapport with her. I certainly lost mine with my SD who was 13 at the time of our wedding, but there's a chance you may not. Either way, she needs to know your boundaries. I would have set more of mine earlier on if I knew then what I know now.

This is headed nowhere good

This is headed nowhere good fast. I would set a clear boundary with SD that you are NOT her sounding board to talk about her dad. If she has an issue she needs to go directly to the source. I wouldn't block her because you want her to know she can have a relationship with you, just within the proper boundaries.

Here is what I responded to

Here is what I responded to her:

(To F-SD13) "I want to address something that you said that you "thought I was mad at you"...I am not and was not mad at you. I do want to be clear though that when it comes to talking to me/messaging me adult matters will need to stay adult matters. Things like what I was texted Thursday about your Dad needed to stay between your parents not between you and I. And if you have a question for your Dad or just don't feel right about something you've gotta go to him directly because thats the right thing to do. I'm setting a boundary to protect everyone. Not to be mean.

Additionally, I will go with you and your Dad when you go school clothes shopping but it's going to need to include your Dad on his schedule because your parents are primarily responsible here. I'm just helping out."

How was that?

If this young lady hadn't

If this young lady hadn't called her Dad that evening and bawled him out then I would say that's possible. The more likely scenario Im guessing is that she is doing what she does best: poisoning the kids against their Dad (and now me... ) verrry frustrating.

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