lack of consequences
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Ok, my fiance and want to bounce ideas and parenting/household ideas off a professional so we decided to go to see a therapist who specializes in blended families. He has 3 children f-SS11, f-SS14 and f-SD13 and a crazy ex wife.
He is more than willing to do this. However, even though he has stated that HE wants to handle the discipline in our future home with his three kids I never see HIM dish out any serious consequences. Just talk to them a lot about their behavior etc. I'm encouraged that he's willing to go talk to someone to have a good start but am I believing in fairies by thinking he can change for us and begin to ensure boundaries and consequences will be in place?
this is good advice. I
this is good advice. I agree with you. I'm not in a hurry to set a date. I want to see how he will work to make things work.
RUN. Marrying this guy will
RUN.
Marrying this guy will be the biggest mistake in your life. Just poke around this site and see the problems encountered. Direct answer is no men don't change. You know and disagree with his parenting style and its going to escalate from a problem to a marriage breaker once you marry.
Find a guy without children - no knowledgeable sane person would put themselves in a situation which will be so frustrating that its doomed from the beginning. Just tell him you made a mistake. Take the blame so there is no argument and get away as soon as possible. This weekend for instance.
Start a family if that's what you want without the burden this guy is already carrying.
You know, I sometimes hate
You know, I sometimes hate that this is our advice to MOST of the newbies who pop up...but I agree here, yet again. In some situations, ok, work it out. In ones like this, please, escape while you can.
You can't force him to parent
You can't force him to parent the way you think he should. If you aren't willing to accept the way he handles his children, youay have to move on.
Pushing him to do things your way will result in him resenting you when the kids start giving him grief about the changes.
come on people...are there
come on people...are there ppl on this site who love each other and are making it work? Despite having differing parenting styles/stepkids involved?
I love DF. However, he and I
I love DF. However, he and I have very different parenting styles. Our relationship works because neither one of us is trying to force the other to change. His kids respect me and my son respects him.
I've read two responses now
I've read two responses now about me wanting to "force" him to change. I think it's a misunderstanding. I have no desire to force anyone. If he loves me and wants the relationship to work there will be give and take on his side as well as mine and I get that. I'm just saying/concerned that although he expresses an interest in setting better boundaries and wants to be the one to discipline them (I totally get that because if they were my kids I wouldn't have it any other way) he seems to have trouble following through at times. He wants to talk their ears off (and they love this because then they go right back to whatever it was they were doing like nothing happened the next day.) I do not want to force anything. If he wants the relationship to work he'll want to set healthy boundaries with the kids and be willing to learn something about consequences...and he is looking forward to seeing the therapist- he wants to go. But what I'm wondering is- is it possible for him to learn and change these things. I'm looking at their ages and wondering this.
He won't change whatever
He won't change whatever method is used. I've only read about one husband on this site who saw the light and his wife said he is working very hard on changing and asked her and the counselor to point out his mistakes as he goes along so he can correct them.
Most people are a product of their upbringing and likely as not his parents treated him the way he's treating his kids. It is one method and like most kids they'll probably turn out just fine.
If you insist on trying to make this work read the article I've linked below and see if that will work for you:
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Hi Orange County, I really
Hi Orange County,
I really appreciate the article you shared. It's making ALOT of sense to me. I don't have severe problems right now with the kids but I can see how serious things could get and this article was very informative! I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm still hellbent and hopeful that he'll make an honest effort...and an honest effort I could respect. But I am already seeing this double sidedness from his daughter (13) and I don't want to become that evil stepmom you hear about. I'm reading Stepmonster too.
It's sad. By what that woman writes sounds like most men who divorce with children or who have BM in their life have a heavy road ahead of them. It makes me feel sad and empathetic for them. (Especially my fiancé who was cheated on by his ex). It's sad for these kids too. They learn to grow up with manipulative behaviors.
Thank you for the advice and
Thank you for the advice and encouragement. I think I've really been in la la land as far as my hopes for how things will go but I still want to believe that we can make a go at this and succeed!
This was really informative
This was really informative and I can tell you are trying to come at this sensitive topic from a balanced viewpoint! I really appreciate everything you took the time to explain and I have not read the links yet but I am going to now.
BTW---------He is "disciplining" both boys as I type this and this has been going on an hour- he took Xbox from them and the youngest has been screaming, throwing tantrums, slamming the doors (I think running outside and in) and he just walked in the bedroom and didn't say a word to me when I asked him if he was ok. I don't know whether to be glad he held his ground on the xbox or scared crapless at the little tyrants the boys are being! The youngest just came in and asked to be taken to his moms and my fiancé said sure, get your stuff, matter of factly.
My DF & I parent completely
My DF & I parent completely different it was evident but we use the " garage" as our place to agree on stuff. I am way more strict n he is way more laid back ~
I have 4 n he has Veruca !
I can honestly say that both of us were open to what the other saw n had to say. And when he was an asshole you bet your ass I called him out on his shit. I run every relationship this way ~ I am not always right if you can debate with me as to why I should change my mind I will.
I tried the laid back approach n guess what all it got me was drama n grief on the daily. One problem after another ~ ummm that's when I decided that all the kids needed consequence n to be responsible for their own actions. I called him out on his peerant ( parenting) ~ bullshit. I am not your friend ~ respect is something we both believe in but I was walking the walk.
His daughter n her douchebag of a bf ~ drew the line for me. You want to be an asshole ~ fine but guess what bitches my house ~ my rules. I was done sacrificing my children for her appeasement. Pack your shit ~ see ya.
I have been through more than my share of bs.
You can discipline without
You can discipline without stepping into the parent role. I rarely cook when my SKs are here. I don't do their laundry or clean upbehind them. DF and I do not have combined finances, so my money isn't used on them. In five years I think I have babysat for him twice.
However, if they do something I don't agree with, I will correct them, take something away or give them a time out.
I made it clear to DF from the start that I'm not going to play mommy when his kids are with us, but that doesn't mean I will ignore bad behavior.
I wouldn't hold your breath.
I wouldn't hold your breath. in my case, my ss is 17 years old and I have been trying to explain the importance of consequences to his father for ten years. my man will scream at him over and over again but that's it. he cant get it, or he is too lazy to enforce them but consequences are soooooo important!!!!!! for example, we are paying for his son to be on our phone plan and his ss goes over the data so I told him he needs to pay the 15 dollars when he does. he uses 7 gb out of ten!!!!! it has been two months and no money. I learned how to turn the data off recently and from now on it will be turned off when he gets to a certain point. this is just one example of a million that his father does not carry through. so now we have a spoiled, disrespectful teenager. I really do hope your husband gets it through his head to make a change!!!!!!! it will be well worth it!
Ya, i agree. Test him out a
Ya, i agree. Test him out a little bit -- talk to him, agree on some discipline changes, and see if he implements them. If not, it can become a huge problem. You live in the house too, everything affect you too, and you need to have a say in what goes on, even if you're not the one actually giving the orders