The sports teaches kids a lot I wouldn't discount them as easily as 'notasm' has. I was in the Boy Scouts and learned things I'm using 50 years later. Sports doesn't often do that of course but its better than sitting in front of a TV or ipad.

But it's not your kid and I'd quit worrying about the Grandparents. Just tell your fiancé that you've got other plans and even if its watching TV its got to be better than this suffering. Some people, like me, just don't care for sports. If somebody else does I'm glad, without that diversity everyone would be doing the same thing at the same time.

Is he putting guilt trips on you if you don't attend? That's a good reason to postpone the wedding to get some counseling and reconsideration of marriage. Is he controlling? It always gets worse. Remember he's an ex for a reason. Maybe it would be best to hold that marriage until the kid has been out of high school a year and you can better evaluate how this guy is going to work for you.

He'll want to know why of course and obviously tell him the truth. If this brings on another screaming argument maybe it is time for you to leave. I don't know if you want to have children with this guy but that should go on hold for several years after the wedding.

Frankly if you have no children and want them I'd find a guy without kids. This just isn't worth it.

i would not spend the day or even 2 hours at a sports even for my SD13. not your responsibility.

in the time ive been with my fiance ive only attended one thing for SD and that was a dance recital. not only was it 3 hours of sheer boredom/torture to see her dance for a grand total of maybe 12 minutes, she was a totally ungrateful shit to both of us and all but ignored us after the performance. she further made a comment about how we "didnt buy her flowers, but it was ok because MOM did".

i will never go to an event of hers again. ever.

Hi,

I understand your viewpoint. I am in the total opposite end in my situation. My kids love playing their sports and the sports are also about their community/home and being a part of it. Huge confidence builders and it really keeps them connected with other kids that are motivated. Leads to better students too cause it is about discipline & sense of achievement. Both my kids are headed for sports scholarships which means "college savings". Even if one of them gets one BINGO! Really - the sports are good for the kids. I know it seems ridiculous at times and it really isn't all about them. Sometimes the sports can be annoying - like when they have a saturday night game (OMG). I hate when they have something Sunday morning too. However, the kids, they are "doing" something that builds character. I go to every game that I can go to. Even with my step children I go if I am not at another game.

The good news is that those weekends you should get to do what you want to do. There is an opportunity in this for you to have some friend/me time. Let dad do the ride and go to the games with his son. His one on one time!!! Make your own plans with your family and friends. Take some down time & chill. Go for a pedicure....or gym visit...or cocktails with a gal pal.

Spend the weekends you don't have the kid(s) going to those other places.

The choice is yours. Either put a hat on and get the pom poms out or just don't go. But either way just smile and have fun with it.

Good luck!

Yeah, I know it's a drag, I have it too with 3 kids over here doing sports, but that's just sort of how it goes. No reason you need to go though! But kids have a lot of activities and as was said, if both parents are in agreement that they should get the benefit of the activities, and the kids are committed, then they are need to be there to honor that commitment to the team and to their own development.

Just make alternate plans (cabin sounds great!) and say unfortunately you won't be able to make this game because you have a commitment of your own. I only occasionally go the kids games, instead I cherish that time alone! And enjoy the heck out of the weekends with no kids!

I feel your pain. My SSs live 2 hours away, and when they were young, BM had them in every sport coming and going, year-round, and sometimes sports overlapped. Because of their age differences, SSs were on different teams, which played at different times. Many times, DH would go get SSs on Friday night and bring them to our house, 4 hours RT, take them back Saturday for their games, which lasted over about 4 hours, and then bring them BACK to our house 4 hours RT, then take them home on Sunday afternoon, another 4 hours RT. Not only was this a HUGE time-killer but it cost us HUGE amounts in gas and tolls. Of course, SSs claimed they could NEVER miss these things for EOW visitation, but of course, they were fine missing them if they were going on a vacay with BM or one of their friends. And we almost NEVER got a schedule until the season was almost over--BM would claim she didn't have it! So we were always finding out at the last minute whether our weekend was going to be tied up. OMG, my blood pressure rises just thinking about it!

I tried to tell myself that stuff about how sports are good for them, promote character, might lead to scholarships, yada, yada, yada, and while that is true in many instances, by high school, NEITHER of them were in ANY sports whatsoever, as they were both in a heavy metal band that was the opposite of what you'd want for respectable young men. I don't know that they gained ANYTHING from those games other than something to do on the weekends that took away from time they needed with their father, who only had visitation EOW. (Oh, and did I mention, once DH told SSs that THEY could decide whether to visit, they NEVER played a sport again?? Seems it had less to do about character and comraderie and more about a way to sometimes get out of visitation!)

After I had my first DS, it was difficult to do all that traveling with a baby, so my DH went and I stayed home, which I hated as well. If I could change anything, I probably would have tried to be even more supportive of my DH, realizing he could not help it. (I tried to be supportive, but sometimes my bitterness and frustration would get the best of me.) I would add, remember, this too shall pass. Your DH will be able to look back and check that off the list of things he did for his kids, which is how my DH finally came to view the situation with the highly PAS'd SSs. My SSs are now 18 and 20 and have their own lives, still living 2 hours away. We see them infrequently, so they are a minimal part of my life, so it's just my DH and our 2 DSs and what is going on with them 99.9% of the time. I won't lie. I am THANKFUL those days are passed, but I'm more thankful that DH and I are still together and happy.

Why do you have to go to his kids' games?

I was a competitive swimmer growing up and spent 24 hours a week in the pool. At age 10. When I was 11 I tried to quit a couple of times, but with that free time started getting into trouble. My parents put me right back into swimming. I also played softball for 8 years and I have wonderful memories that I still remember, 30+ years later. Sports rock. My kids now do so many activities it would make your head spin (but still don't spend the amount of time I spent in the pool!) It keeps kids focused and often does lead to college scholarships (I got one). If you don't want to go to the games, don't. It's the parents' and kid's decision and as long as they are happy with what they're doing, there's not much you can do. You just need to decide if it's going to be a deal breaker or not, because if this keeps going through high school, it's going to be a long 6 years.

My DS14 was on a travel sport team so I know what you mean about the time factor. There was a stretch of time where I didn't spend a Saturday night in my own bed for 9+ weekends -- because DS's team was on the road with games 2-3 hours from home, usually Friday - Sunday.

Never once did I expect my DH to travel with us. I think that's expecting way too much. I know my DH would get frustrated that I wasn't home on the weekends, but then I reminded him that his son was in travel a few years before and he was gone all the time.

But I do have to agree with others that if your SS truly enjoys this sport, it's a positive even if there is a lot of time involved for everyone (let alone the $$!!!). At least for my son, one of the things that came out of it is he learned the commitment factor of being on what was considered an "elite" team -- although he got to play, he also was giving up time at home, time with friends not involved in the sport. It made him realize that sometimes you have to give up some things to do other things you want to do. Lucky for me, he's decided being on that "elite" team isn't all it's cracked up to be and won't be trying out for it next year.

If you don't want to go, don't. Like I said, I never traveled with my DH and his son (and his also were Fri-Sun trips sometimes) and I never expected him to travel with us.

Yup, that's life with kids. You don't get to do what YOU want anymore, at least not on any sort of regular basis. Your FDH is on board with the sports, he's willing to "give up" doing fun, relaxing, non-kid-related activities. Great, he's a dad. YOU do not have to do that though... but you also don't really have the right to demand your FDH act like he's kid free either. Go do your own thing, don't worry about what anyone else is thinking, and don't try to pressure your FDH to do YOUR thing either.

On the other hand, if what you REALLY want is to be with someone who doesn't have all the responsibilities (and limited time) of a parent, then maybe FDH isn't the guy for you.

DON'T SUCK IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would not even do this for my bios at this age. He is too old to be watched the absolute whole time by a non-related person, even by a related person. I'm so appalled that you have a cabin of your own and access to family who want to see you and that fabulous sounding boat, and you're watching a kid snivel at a kids' game, FFS! No, when this happens, present this as your chance to light out for a while and bond with friends and family at places and activities that you enjoy. You could even invite SS from time to time -- surely he would love that!... Sorry I still am reeling at the horror of watching a skid do an activity I have no interest in for weekends on end... you have definitely been an angel, but it's time to get some fulfilment and leisure enjoyment yourself.

So if I stay home, then everyone (the grandparents) will wonder where I am and then it just makes me look like I'm a bad person

So, what? Who cares what they think? This is not your kid, you don't have to go to EVERY game, it doesn't make you a bad person. They probably wouldn't think that, anyway. They might not really want to be there, either and would just be jealous.

If you keep doing things that make you resentful, you are going to be angry and bitter all of the time. Now, that can make you be seen as a bad person! Go to a game now and then and make your own plans the rest of the time.

I was very supportive of my much younger brother and his basketball, and went to almost every local game and tournament (and he played A LOT). My husband loves me, he loves my brother. Basketball and crowds? Not so much; he only went to a few games. Nobody in my family thought any less of him for it. It's not everybody's thing.

I have spent a lot of time being angry, and it is soul sucking. If FDH wants to go to the games, and if SS actually wants to play this sport (given his hissy/crying fits, is FDH sure this is a good thing for him, or is it a poor attempt at helping SS become a man?), then they can do their own thing. You will eat yourself alive if you continue to be resentful and angry over this.

Find something to do that you enjoy yourself. So what if you have to drive an hour in the other direction to see YOUR friends? Do it. Beats the hell out of spending an entire day somewhere you don't want to be doing something you don't want to do. You'll be happier if you take care of yourself, and that means emotionally too. Do NOT let FDH and SS dictate what it is you do and do not do.

I can see where the last minute stuff would drive you nuts. If you and FDH have solid plans, then he should not be changing them to accommodate the sports schedule. Or, at least he should check with the coach to see if games are scheduled for that weekend before he commits to you. It sounds like FDH is dumping plans with you in favor of last minute plans with SS, and that sucks.

And I have to say that nobody here has accused you of lying. They were sharing their own situation, and likening it to yours. For the most part, this is a supportive group. You sound so unhappy and so angry.