Feeling sorry for SS
So when I first found this forum I was desperate. It hasn't even been 3 months since my bio child passed and dh expected me to babysit and entertain SS10 all summer long. The best option in my opinion was to enroll SS in camp so that he would have some structure, be busy and happy until 4pm and then come home and join us as a family. Dh gets home at 6. He was against it and put me in an impossible situation stuck with a child I didnt want to be around since I was grieving and missing my own biokid who was the same age.
I finally spoke up and dh has been wonderful, supportive and has made plans to send SS to grandparents a couple days a week to give me a break.
Ive also decided to disengage when hes here for my sanity. I used to be the cool SM always playing with SS and now I cant. He is usually needy and complains a lot (picky eater, never wants to leave his video games to go out, etc). Prior to losing my biokid i would try to engage and make special meals for him, convince him to go to fun places, etc. I just dont have it in me anymore, so I dont even try. You dont like the food? Dont eat. Dont want to go out? Stay in your room all day then. I have a toddler so when I do take both of them out to a park for example SS is miserable and bored asking to go back home.
Dhs new mentality is "the world doesnt revolve around him, he has to deal". SS is definitely feeling the changes. He is sad. He asked to go back home to BM sooner, and he is isolating. He stays up all night on his phone. Its 12pm, he is still sleeping. I couldnt find my phone so tried to use his to call myself. He now has a password on his phone! I see he has 6 text notifications. No idea who is texting him. As well as notifications from an app called "Meet".
I told dh. This cant be good. He is 10!! Nobody is engaging with him or supervising him. This is giving me so much anxiety because even though I try to disengage, I am observing a child unreveling right in front of my eyes.
My FIL usually is the one who takes SS out fishing, Disney, etc but he is having health issues. So he only has me and MIL. When SS is with his BM he also doesnt do anything. She doesnt enroll him in sports, or any extra curriculars. After school he is home alone with his other siblings. I feel like everyone is failing this poor kid. I wish I could do more, but its hard for me to just survive with all this grief. I dont know what to do. Should I just tell myself this is not my problem and if his bio parents dont care, why should i??? Help!
Why is your husband against
Why is your husband against camp? That would give SS something to do and a chance to be with other kids his own age.
My dh thinks camp is a
My dh thinks camp is a punishment which is so crazy to me. My biokid used to love camp! Dh thinks SS should not have to wake up early in the summer and should just relax and be with family. MIL enrolled him for one week so next week he will be going thankfully.
I went to camp as a kid and
I went to camp as a kid and I loved it. While we can't afford to send SS every week during the Summer, we usually get him into one or two local camp weeks here just to get him out and doing new things. I think it's good for the grandparent breaks too though. Something is better than nothing I guess. Not much can do about the cell phone usage without Dad's help. I would look up this Meet app though. That sounds sketchy.
I wonder whether he isn't
I wonder whether he isn't using the app simply to find friends in the area because he's lonely... Maybe if your dh talked to him about it he'd realize that there are few things worse than a long vacation where you're bored and alone and tht camp is not one of those things
Has anyone asked SS if he'd like to go to camp?
Your DH, frankly, is just
Your DH, frankly, is just wrong about the camp thing. I went to camp and loved it. Kids should not just be hanging about all summer long. Its not good for them. I do think a bit of down time is fine though, but NOT all summer.
I don't think you're disengaging, I think you're taking a realistic approach to what you can manage right now.
As to the phone - oh HELL NO. Yes, his phone should definitely have a passcode on it - ALL phones should. But parents (including steps if bio parent agrees) should have access to the phone and should be able to look at it at all times. I told my son that there were only two acceptable passcodes on my son's phone - and if it ever changed the phone goes.
I attended boarding school
I attended boarding school for 4 years. Not punishment at all. Neither was camp.
Your DH needs a come to Jesus meeting to get his head on straight.
Good luck.