First post! Step dad since she was 1 and a half. Now 4. Advice?
Step dad since step daughter was 1 and a half. Bio-dad never had a real job and constantly left family for the mountains with no phone calls or communication. My now-wife left him and I met her not long after. Step daughter is now 4.
Step daughter has always been a complete angel to me until recently. She has always loved me dearly and been stoked she has "2 daddys". But she also doesn't ever remember her bio parents being together and only remembers me with her mother.
I have a successful career (well a medium income, 65k/yr in the most expensive city to live in, in the US, literally), this equates to us renting apartments and making it by with no savings but not in poverty (for those who live in cheaper areas to live, a tiny 2 bedroom apartment where I live runs $2,000 to $3,000). Bio-dad works odd jobs and does favors for friends for money, he pays virtually nothing for rent and has virtually no income. Bio-mom is often to afraid to let her daughter stay with him, for fear he has no money to feed her. He sees his daughter 2 nights a week. Picks her up in the evening and returns her in the early morning, I would say a total of 8 waking hours a week. Me and my wife are too afraid to file for child support since I make about 65k a year and we are afraid the court would ask US to pay HIM due to income difference (and the fact he lives 5 blocks away from grandma -on bio moms side-). We live roughly 45min away from them.
My second dilemma aside from child support (I pay for absolutely everything -including rather expensive health insurance, he gives us no money or anything, We actually have to pick her up and drop her off, due to him not having gas money). Recently my step daughter has begun to grow a disdain for me when we pick her up. She tells me how there is no rules at her "real daddys house" and how she "doesn't want a step daddy", and wont look at me and growls when I try to talk to her. She asks me why I just don't go away. She even for a while told me I wasn't her step daddy because I'm not a daddy at all.
We just recently found out my wife is pregnant with my first child. Upon breaking the news to my step daughter, she asked if I could not be the step daddy and if her, her mom, and her future brother or sister, can be with her real daddy.
In regards to her not having rules at her bio dads house, when we ask to to sleep at 9pm, she gets rather angry and says she has no rules at her real daddys house. She actually does this when anything happens. If she has to pick up her toys, or can't watch cartoons, or anything at all. She automatically starts getting angry about how her "real daddy" has no rules.
So I guess my situation is rather minuscule when reading other peoples incredibly stressful situations on here. Yet I need advice. When I research advice for any of the above situations, articles about becoming a step parent in a situation where a child is 9 or ten is what comes up. Nothing suitable for a step parent who came into the situation when the child was pretty much a baby is available. And in regards to child support, my wife has no income and I make 65k/yr and dad has no real job, just under the table jobs and side jobs for cash. Should child support be avoided? Should we not file? Multiple times, bio-dad tries to take her to the mountains and becomes incredibly enraged when we tell him thats not feasible. I see no way of avoiding court since that is going to get worse, but I don't want to owe him child support. And I also don't know how to approach my step daughter when she is displaying frustration and rage in regards to me being her step father, especially since she is just now realizing that other children live with their "real daddys" and moms.
Thank you very much for the
Thank you very much for the quick advice! I didn't expect anything so quickly. I am going to order the book you mentioned tonight online. That comes much appreciated.
We are in San Francisco, CA. According to our local radio we are the most expensive city but I hear often its Manhattan, NY. Who knows or cares but my career has me locked where I am. I can't leave due to what I do, unless I choose to move at least 600+ miles. And that would bring up an entirely different dilemma regarding bio dad and step daughter.
My wife wants to solve all of this just as bad as I do. She is very supportive in us researching the correct routes to take and is just as concerned. We both agree that we prefer that he contribute something financially and my wife has tried to have nice sit downs with my step daughter in regards to what a "family" is, and how lucky she is to have "2 daddys". We both also wish we could sit down with bio dad and set mutual rules among our households, but we find that unfeasibly considering bio-dads maturity level. He is both spiteful and childish (telling her things on the phone, such as "Your daughter never asks about you or brings you up when she is with me" when he doesn't get his way)
Read through this:
Read through this:
http://www.childsup.ca.gov/portals/0/resources/docs/GdlnCalculator.pdf
Pg 25 tells you that the new spouse's income and deductions are NOT used to calculate child support.
https://www.cse.ca.gov/ChildSupport/cse/guidelineCalculator
That is the link to the calculator.
I wish you a lot of luck figuring this out. Once you get child support figured out, it goes hand in hand with a parenting plan, and that parenting plan can have clauses about bad mouthing spouses and such, which has the potential of holding the other parent in contempt of court, which could mean only supervised visitation and such.
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If you don't want to go through all of that court drama and can't afford a lawyer to do it for you... then you need to sit down with your SD yourself (maybe with her mother on the side), and ask her if she knows that she is hurting your feelings. Grab a couple of Princess Sofia or My Little Pony DVDs (the ones where friends are hurt because of the actions of the main characters), and tell her that when she tells you she doesn't want you to be her step daddy anymore that you feel a lot like "insert character name."
You have to relate to her at her level.
Ok firstly however much of a
Ok firstly however much of a ball ache it is all things such as CS and CO really does need to be done properly and legally and it is always better to do so on your terms. Otherwise its something that can spring up at any point if there is nothing currently in place.
Good news since you are the step parent you shouldnt be liable for CS, however I am not sure how it works in US so take other peoples advice there.
Your step daughter is at that age where she is more aware, as you say she has noticed that other children get their mummy and daddy together all the time and she doesnt. Not only that but when shes with daddy there are no rules, but mummys house is different. But mummy isnt a bad guy shes mummy so it must all by step dads fault. Sorry but thats generally the way it looks to child eyes.
Have you ever sat her down and spoken to her about things? It may well be that before this point she simply hasn't had the awareness and if she has regarded you as step daddy maybe she is now starting to feel some guilt for it.
May sound odd but it does happen, I remember it well for myself with all the guilt/confusion over whether its ok to call step mother mum or not. Sometimes I was comfortable with it, sometimes I wasnt, so my step mum sat me down and explained I could call her whatever I wanted (within reason).
Kids need information to be able to gain understanding, but ofcourse any information given needs to be age appropriate.
"California law demands that
"California law demands that each biological parent financially support her (sic. their) child, but a stepparent isn't required to support a stepchild.... However, a stepparent's income can influence the amount of child support a biological parent must pay under certain circumstances". http://info.legalzoom.com/california-law-child-support-stepchildren-2520...
Go to court for child support and clearly defined visitation on his part. You can end the overnight visitations on weekdays by requesting the "standard" visitation. Every other weekend Friday to Sunday nights, split holidays and a week or month in the summer but clarify that no babysitters can be hired. If he's off working then the child stays with mother. It's called "first refusal" which means mama (or daddy) can require that the kid stay with them instead of a babysitter regardless of the visitation order. This would not end the visit completely just during the hours a babysitter might be used. Common sense in the end.
Don't expect to actually collect support but as it adds up to a large amount it can be held over his head in case of any disagreement over where you live. Not fair but what can I say.....
Don't think moving to Los Angeles would help your cost of living but living in the suburbs of San Francisco and trading a commute would. Washington and Oregon would be noticeably less expensive if you can find your work there.
Mom should file CS AND get a
Mom should file CS AND get a job. Dad should not be the only parent financially supporting the child.
Just like you're angry about dad not paying CS, once he remarries his wife will be livid that he is paying CS while mom sits home.
I was wondering why it's okay
I was wondering why it's okay for Mom to not work. Not in my book. BOTH parents should be supporting their kid.
Although I am not done
Although I am not done reading the responses, and am quite amazed at the amount of support, I must interject. BM normally works but is getting rather pregnant, and it is a somewhat difficult pregnancy with lots of hospital visits, so BM working will not happen for a while, at least until after the baby is born. But prior to BM being pregnant, she works full time regularly.
Who cares if the mom is
Who cares if the mom is working or not. That is the business of,the spouses and not the business of the bio dad, his future partner or these forums. That is nobody else's business. If the OP chooses to be the breadwinner, that is his business and his wife's business.
I'm a SAHM/SM with no bios with my DH. My BD6's SM has a problem with this, even though my ex doesn't pay child support. And you know what? Anyone who has a problem with it can kick rocks. If you're not,paying our bills, it's none of your goddamn business!
I have been dad to my SS-21
I have been dad to my SS-21 for nearly 20 years. His mom and met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. So my experience as a Step Dad is similar to yours at least it was when I was at an equivalent point to where you are now.
Here is how I dealt with this issue.
SS: Dad, (Sperm grandma) says you are not my REAL dad you are only my Step Dad. What is a Step Dad?
Rags: Son you know about bio dads and step dads. We have talked about that before. A bio dad is the dad that made you with your mom. (The Sperm Idiot) is your bio dad. A step dad is the dad that is married to your mom. I am your step dad.
Now let’s talk about REAL dads. A REAL dad is a dad who goes to work every day and works hard so you can have a nice place to live, good food to eat, safe transportation to ride in, good schools to go to, warm clothes and shoes to wear, teaches you to use the toilet, teaches you to tie your shoes, teaches you to read and write, reads you a bedtime story and tucks you in bet at night, goes to your school events, teaches you to ride your bike, coaches your little league and swim teams, and loves you and your mom very much. A REAL dad can be a bio dad or a step dad and you can have two REAL dads.
SS: A step dad sounds like a REAL dad to me. I wonder why grandma thinks you are not my REAL dad? Can we go outside and play?
We had some version of this talk a few times when SS was young (between 4ish and 8ish). When SS would return home from a Sperm Land visitation with some vitriolic crap that the Sperm Clan loaded him up with he would usually ask me about something that they spouted that did not sit right in his mind. We had to counter the toxic manipulations of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and the facts and truth along with the CO were the best tools we found for doing that.
I suggest that you try something similar to the REAL dad talk with your daughter. You have been the only REAL dad she has ever had and her confusion must be addressed directly and with truth and facts. If you present the truth and facts in an age appropriate manner you will do her and yourself a favor. 4yo is old enough for the bio dad, step dad, REAL dad speech and as she gets older you can expound on the facts of why she lives with you and her mom and not her bio dad. When her sibling arrives things will change and if you address this blended family drama issues head on with sensitivity and with fact your relationship with your daughter will continue to be positive and to grow. Not that there won’t be drama, tension and challenges. There will be but if she is given the facts and is explained the basics she will start to figure it out on her own.
As for CS, go for a consultation with an attorney to figure out if nailing the Sperm Idiot to the wall for CS is in your best interests. It likely is. Your DW is the CP and the Sperm Idiot will likely be on the hook for CS even if he is a worthless POS deadbeat. This just gives you more leverage when your SD is older and when you may need some control over the Sperm Idiot and Sperm Clan later. My DW was the CP in our blended family adventure, the Sperm Idiot is a worthless POS and sperm grandhag was a manipulative bitch. Owning their toothless moron asses allowed us to protect my SS’s best interests. As yours is the CP household it is the Sperm Idiot that will likely owe CS to your DW. It should not matter that in your home she is a SAHM. The court will impute an income to her (usually minimum wage) and if the Sperm Idiot has no income they will impute one to him too then based on parenting time CS will be set. He will owe. At least that is the most likely outcome.
I suggest you take steps to own your SD’s Sperm Idiot’s worthless ass so you can protect her as the years unfold. That is what REAL dads do. Protect, love, support, and nurture their kids.
Differences in rules and behavioral expectations at your home and at her Sperm Idiot's home can be challenging. Stick with the rules and behavioral expectations you have established. Consistency in her full time home is critical to her development as a well behaved child and eventually as a viable self supporting adult. Though my Skid's CO'd visitation schedule was long distance we did see some of what you describe with your SD. He would start regressing in behavior about a week before he left for his Sperm Land visitation and we would have about 3wks of post visitation detox when he returned home and settled in to the routine and rules in his full time home. Bed time is bed time, acceptable behavior is acceptable behavior and holding SD accountable for appropriate behavior in your home is critical. SS was told very clearly that the behavior that was allowed at his Sperm Clan's homes was not tolerated in his real world and he would do himself a favor by remembering that. At 2-4yo he would leave for visitation speaking clearly, mostly toilet trained, and functioning very self sufficiently and would come home in loaded pull ups, with butt rot so bad his anus would bleed, puss filled welts on his butt cheeks, pointing grunting and crying for anything he wanted and would throw tantrum melt downs when we did not cater to his Sperm Land behavioral bullshit. We just stepped over him when he was in post Sperm Land melt down. If he wanted milk or a snack and would not ask for it we let him go thirsty and hungry until he asked politely. The hardest part was getting him cleaned up, healed and back up to speed on toilet training.
Congratulations on the new baby.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.