Expectations for step child weighing heavy
Yes, I knew getting into a relationship with my SO that he had a son. A 9 year old that has always lived with his mother, who receives CS and has visitation with his dad who has lived out-of-state with the exception of the first couple years of his life. Going into this I felt confident that I could be supportive of their relationship and at least find ways to be a part of their visits. Well, it seems that I must have made a great impression, because my fiance had started to expect that would want to babysit and mentioning that he might want to move in one day. I realize that a lot of people have this attitude like, well you're with someone with a kid so they become "like" yours too. I just can't get the feeling to want to put myself in that position of being responsible for him, when he has a mother. I would never interfere when dad wants to spent time (and has time) with his son, but to put in the position of being the one who primarily has to take care of him since dad works so much makes me want to run. I don't want to come between them, but I don't want to become the one his care gets pushed on. Has anyone been in similar situations and found a winning compromise?
Thanks. I feel like such a
Thanks. I feel like such a bi-otch sometimes for not having super special feelings for the kid. I care for him as an extension of the man I love, but I definitely don't want to be mommy #2. I told him this, this and I think it hurt his feelings and maybe kind of put a dent into some his ideas about what my role should be. I guess I'm at the point going into it where I need to learn how to set boundaries and make myself clear. I don't want to be miss niceguy pushover and have this boy put on me...then end up resenting everyone and miserable, because I let everyone assume I would play that part when I know it would drive me nuts.
At this point (age 9) the son
At this point (age 9) the son isn't old enough to make the decision to just ask for a custody change. Short of son being in a neglectful abusive dangerous current home, courts aren't likely to switch the custody situation (unless of course BM become incapable of physically caring for child or passed away). That's not to say in a few years, custody might not change if requested and desired by the son.
Why do the babysitting now though? Who watched the child for Dad before you came along? Daycare? A GF? somebody did before and Dad can figure it out again now even though he seems to think he has a built in babysitter. Do you work yourself? Even if not, the child is not your responsibility and Dad should not be assuming you'll gladly take the child on just because you're now living with him. Did he even ask you or just assume you will be? Talk to guy now, before the child arrives for any future visits. He needs to know you are not willing to take the babysitting on. Kid would be bored to pieces anyway. What kid age 9 wants to sit around a house all day? Kids would much rather be with kids their own age doing kid stuff. Kid will be happier and so will you.
If the time comes switch in custody becomes a serious thought and/or option for the father, make sure you are straight up and honest about the subject so Dad knows going in that caretaking will not be falling unto you. Your partner is the parent to this child (just as much as the bio-mother is) and it is his responsibility as the parent to be doing the caretaking and finding babysitters in his place. No matter how much you may or may not come to like/love the child, remember child has two parents (not just a mother but also a father) and you are not responsible for 'playing Mom' , you are an adult authoritative figure and the lady who is child's father's partner, you're not the parent (neither parent) and true parenting and caretaking of the child is on the parents, not the GF, SO or DW.
Yea, I think when he saw I
Yea, I think when he saw I got along alright with his son he imagined that it would be great and that he could commit more time to having him around because when he was at work or tired from long hours I would pick up the slack. I mean, I want to be nice but I'd rather be the third wheel when he comes around to visit and not willing to be the donkey that pulls the cart full time. You're right though, making sure he knows he's taking full responsibilty for his son is the best policy in my situation.
That's awesome that your DH
That's awesome that your DH doesn't expect more than you're willing to give. I think that's the root of why I'm already detaching myself and learning that I do need to be very clear or I'm going to be the babysitter, maid, and mommy-like person whenever it's clever for his own parents. It seems so prevalent in this forum and with stepmoms in general that the woman went into it with good intentions and got the whole brunt of childcare, bio-parent drama, and issues in general put on their backs. In some cases it kind of seems like enabling the real parents to be slackers because step mom feels pity and "tries" too hard to fix everything that was screwed up long before they arrived. I get so angry with my SO for his expectations concerning his son but it's also this cultural expectation that because you're a woman you will want to mother this child that already has one. It's clear to me though that before we 'tie the knot some clarity needs to happen. Otherwise We're heading for disaster.
Oh how ridiculous it is.
Oh how ridiculous it is. Well I honestly think if he had this 'role' in mind for me when we met to be the new mommy character, he waited a good while to tell me because the whole situation around is son has always been quite terribly dramatic and would likely to have scared most off. To surmise, I think he's always tried to be a good dad, but never had the stability to do it on his own. Does that mean its a good idea to make plans for other people without asking them how they feel about it? Nah, that always backfires one way or another. I love the ferocity in your comment. I am breathing in and going to add it to my fire.
"Let him know he does not define your role..." I think I needed that reminder!
I agree - lay it out
I agree - lay it out honestly. I'd print out this whole page of comments - it should be as easy as pushing 'Ctrl' button and capitol 'P' simultaneously and then 'Print' on the screen that appears. Also take a look at this article on disengaging I think it will give you a lot of ideas.
I do think that about the time a boy goes into high school he should live with his father and those are often the hardest years in raising a boy. Again your disengagement attitude would kick into high gear. He has parents, none of the three need you.
Listen: don't make the further mistakes often found on these pages. I.e. Marry the guy and have kids while thinking living with his kid will work out. Personally I think your best bet and my advise to all single women is find a guy without kids and start your own family if you wish. It avoids all these unnecessary traps and pitfalls.
I'm firmly convinced that many men, sometimes consciously and sometimes subconsciously, find a willing woman mainly because they need a: sex partner, cook, maid and babysitter. When you feel you're there for any of those reasons RUN. Well run anyway but for sure then.
Disengage: http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Thanks for the disengaging
Thanks for the disengaging link. I've read it before and started to practice the suggestions, but it's good to read it again. It's definitely helped my sanity and helped illuminate to my SO through action (or lack of) that I won't be the one doing all of the dirty work and getting jack in return. Funny thing is, I was always one of those ladies who steered clear of guys with kids, it just seemed like too much baggage and drama. HA! Well, I guess the heart makes you do crazy things. I do love him and we have a beautiful baby boy together and I don't regret it at all, especially for him. We aren't married YET, but he has proposed. And to be honest I have cold feet, mostly because I am concerned part of the deal is like signing a contract to be his son's un appreciated caretaker--in his eyes. So working on the disengaging and for results before I'll take that step and really I'm sitting here wondering what's really in it for me.
I do see where your coming from about a boys at that stage of becoming a young man living with their father. The issue I have though is that my SO has a real difficulty setting boundaries, routine and discipline with him already and I'm not interested in living with a teenage savage, not only for my own peace of mind, but also for the influence he would have on our son who is 10 years younger and will be soaking up big brother's attitude like a sponge. On top of that, I don't want to get burnt out and go crazy because my job is to raise my boy and I don't want to be detracted from that. I think the big issue is that Dad doesn't want to step on his son's toes at all, just give him fun and what he thinks will please him because he worries that anything else might jeopordize his love. I've tried to have calm, supportive talks about this with him but it's such a sore subject the defenses immediately to up and it goes nowhere but ugly--he is a good boy, and why don't you see that, etc. So, more disengaging there.
In the beginning I felt like I was sympathetic and up for the challenge. But when you start to feel used and totally consumed the give a shit just kind of dries up. I just don't want to end up being a miserable sucker because I was out to please & keep a man.
Gratitude for the commraderie
Gratitude for the commraderie and advice. I literally am taking some notes on the comments here and think I'm closer to knowing what I need to do which is be honest, above all, about what I need, want, can and cannot do. Maybe there is no wrong or right way for every situation but we need to find the truth in ourselves & live it.
It is VERY common for men to
It is VERY common for men to "Mom Shop" once they are single dads. That's why it's happened to so many here. It happened to me 15 years ago. I was so stupid and naive. Luckily, his ex got married out of the blue to a guy we had never even met (just a couple of months before we did) because she got pregnant. When that happened, my husband stopped talking about creating our little family because his intentions all along were to get married because we could make a better home than a single mom would. Dads do this because they don't want the responsibility themselves, but they want to "win" the child. It's crazy.
Wow. yes. Winning the child.
Wow. yes. Winning the child. This is all so clear in the way that he treats his son when he comes to visit too. It's all fun, fun, fun, and would you like another soda? Don't like what is on the table for dinner? (this is a boy who will take a bite of my food and make vomiting faces then run to the trash or backdoor to spit it out) That's ok, you can still have ice cream. The playstation never turns off, unless I walk over and do it because I've had enough. He can lie, not lift a finger , and beat up on my dogs in the name of FUN. And if I confront dad about it privately the defenses go up hard & fast and an ugly argument ensues. This was a big red flag for what daily life would be like if he was around all the time. It's totally out of character for my SO and I think he would be appalled if it was someone else doing this with their child, but he wants so badly for his son to love him (which he does, but already knows the art of pouting, and tummy aches and sad faces to manipulate what he wants) he just let's anything fly. Not cool. Seems like a good way to raise a monster.
I'd definitely get everything
I'd definitely get everything out in the open NOW. If you wait, then try to put your foot down later, it'll be a lot harder. His attitude then will be, "Well, you've been doing this for so long, so why do you have a problem now, all of a sudden?"
My ex husband did that to me. He had three kids with his previous wife and seemed ok just seeing them every other weekend, but then as soon as we got married, BAM, he suddenly started expressing interest in taking his ex to court for full custody. We spent four years in and out of court, and it was a HUGE mess. He did win custody for a while, and I was stuck being a custodial stepmom, which was something I NEVER wanted.
You have to remember - as we all do - that that's always a possibility. The other parent could abandon the child, or pass away, or whatever, and before you know it, the kids are in your house full-time.
Eh. I shudder at the thought in my own situation. Seriously, I don't think our marriage would last six months if those monsters were in my face 24/7.
Definitely glad I've seen
Definitely glad I've seen what's going on pretty early in the game and started disengaging and clarifying what role I will and will not take. I think there's an issue when it's just a party on visitation and the child comes to have that grass is greener attitude and why the heck wouldn't he want that full time? I confronted my SO about this, how I could never live like that on a daily basis and he just gave me some fast reply about how, Oh that would all change. He would have to follow rules and listen to you. Well that just sounds like a tedious maddening job retraining a pre-teen/teen who has been raised totally opposite of how I would and will be raising my son while dad just kind of leaves the "parenting" to me. Uh, NO.
Do you think that holding off on marriage would make any difference? I mean, we pretty much live as husband & wife, but does that certificate have some kind of psychological green light for the man to go ahead & try to get the child in your house and under your care? This has crossed my mind, but hearing your experience makes me think this might be crucial to the working of a man brain, some men that is. The well-intentioned, we'll have a happily ever after family now and you will fill the role of mommy #2 uncritically and devoted.
It has occured to me that his son's mother might not be able to care for him one day. I think if she was dead or in prison I would feel a little more optimistic about him being with us because she wouldn't be continuing to feed him with her guilt-trip, victim, manipulative, lying, yet holier-than-thou b.s. And it wouldn't be a choice for the kid of I want the fun parent, so I'm going to play them off each other. But that is hopefully just an extreme possibility. I don't intend to help my SO fight for custody and I'm pretty sure he is too lazy to do it himself. On top of that he has long criminal & civil record where his son lives so I don't think that would be working in his favor. I think I'm ranting by now!
i have long figured out that
i have long figured out that if BM died it would be WORSE. because remember, Poor Child of DIvorce will now get the sympathy card and become Poor Child of DIvorce Whose Mom Died (but not before PASing the kid!)
ugh, you're right. His
ugh, you're right. His parents were never married though, so he isn't a poor child of divorce...he's the poor child who has never had a "real" family, since his parents were never together except to accidentally have a child. My SO's mother loves to remind me of this and try to work up a big guilt trip, basically now that his dad is with a woman that has her own life together and gotten dad in line, and we have baby that I should do everything I can to get this kid under my wing too. What tangled webs we weave. Most days I'm just thinking, where are those dang scissors?!