Aggressive older step child--advice?
Finding myself in a very difficult position. On one hand I know it is very important to my husband and his son to spend time together, on the other, nearly every time his 11 year old son comes to our house he acts aggressively towards our toddler who just turned 2. Any attempt to discuss my concerns to my husband are taken as an attack on his son, no matter how cautiously and gingerly I bring it up. I am totally frustrated and to the point where I am afraid for my toddler's safety.
See, his son behaves likes a perfect angel while daddy is watching. Less so when it is just me in sight; he has said a number of rude things to me, like calling me a bitch when I said I already had dinner started when he wanted to order pizza. Which is less of a concern, just annoying. What bothers me is that many times when I have even left the room I hear cries from my young son, not whining, but a pained kind of cry. Ive seen ss11 almost smack him hard across the face, but stop himself a few inches from hitting my toddler because he saw me watching in horror. They were playing nicely on one occasion and I walked into another room briefly to hear my toddler sounding distressed saying no, and ran back in to see ss11 dragging him by the arm roughly, telling him, "Yes, you need to listen, you have to," in a very dominant, assertive tone that gave me chills. Of course, I intervened, but these things mount up and I am to the point where I don't even dare leave my toddler alone in the same room because as soon as adults are out of sight play turns into something else, scary and dangerous. We never leave them ALONE, as in leave the house, I mean going to the bathroom or something and I hear my son start screaming.
My husband says that this is just how children are, especially boys; they play rough. It's my gut feeling though this is something other than rough play that happens when ss11 believes no one is watching. It makes my protective instinct scream: THIS IS WRONG. I don't want my child growing up being subjected to what seems to be borderline abusive treatment by an older child, half brother or whoever. I won't allow it. Nor do I want him to learn it is acceptable to do that to smaller children.
So is the answer just to never EVER take my eyes off my toddler when ss11 is visiting? Husband says I am paranoid, ss11 would never hurt him. It seems he refuses to even acknowledge there may be an issue. A part of me wants to keep trying, find a solution and make the best of visits. The rest of me just wants to scream this is so wrong, and keep my toddler miles away from the aggression.
I was kind of thinking that
I was kind of thinking that would be a good idea to have a camera set up. I'm just to the point where I don't even want to leave them unsupervised for 30 seconds with the chance of anything happening.
Well, you see, any kind of
Well, you see, any kind of discipline on my part is very precocious and I have left that up to his dad. For one, his son is prone to lying, manipulative behavior anyways so I always feel that about anything could be twisted to make him the victim. He does that anyway. I've calmly told him before that he cannot do things, and then he cries and plays his daddy like he has been hurt so badly, and gets his way or avoids any consequence.
Additionally, we also deal with a "walking on eggshells" situation with ss11's mother, who is a manipulative opportunistic, spiteful person and would take great joy in any chance to demonize me or my husband. I'm sure she would love to take an exaggerated claim by her son and make a claim with CPS that I am a dangerous, abusive person.
If my husband and I could
If my husband and I could face this realistically and handle it like adults who can communicate, there would be a chance at finding solutions. Funny thing is, our relationship is very functional otherwise and do great at parenting the child we have together, however pretty much any issue, even slight ones, involving ss11 result in total communication breakdown and fighting.
But yes, thank you for that advice because it's pretty much what I have been feeling, but when my husband is the only other person I have tried to talk to about this and he ultimately just says I am wrong, I start to wonder. That's why I wanted to ask. It seems when we don't follow out gut instinct it almost always leads to trouble, and when it's concerning the safety & well being of my son that is just not acceptable.
I agree. Evidence, show
I agree. Evidence, show husband, correct or leave.
I am preparing to leave a less than 1-yr marriage b/c of, among other things, a precarious relationship my children have had with my wife's oldest (and youngest). I didn't have the benefit of recording SS's behavior, but told my wife early on, almost immediately after our marriage. She dismissed it at just kids being kids. I told her no it wasn't. I continued to monitor, tried to redirect my kids w/o coming right out and telling SS that he was being mean/rude/manipulative. My mistake. I should have done more as his mother did not. My wife didn't acknowledge the isolation and emotional/physical turmoil my son was going through until she discovered a letter he wrote in school, just 3-4 months into the marriage, detailing how sad he was and why. This was a letter that his teacher saw (never contacted either of us). When my wife saw this, she was convinced that I was telling the truth after all. I was both sad and furious.
I've seen this same SS try to trip/push down his own sister (4-yr) for no reason other than his own contempt for her. The SS showed clear signs of jealousy from the beginning. Resentment. Unfortunately, my relationship with SS is not good. Often confrontational and I have, among other reasons, decided I need to get out with my own two biological kids. Terrible mess.
Protect your 2-yr old. Please.
Contempt, jealousy and
Contempt, jealousy and resentment are things that I have perceived in my situation, too. I feel for your son's struggle and thank you for sharing. The emotional/physical turmoil your son wrote about is what I fear (and I think in a realistic, not paranoid way) for my son, and as he is only 2 his ability to articulate isn't that advanced. Protecting him is absolutely my #1 priority. Not that my husband doesn't want to protect him also, it seems though he is in a thick haze of denial that his older son could do anything wrong.
I know it must be hard for you, but from what you have said about your situation I totally respect and understand why you'd need to get out. That cannot be healthy for children to be subjected to.
EXACTLY
EXACTLY
Well, it isn't that he
Well, it isn't that he doesn't believe you... It's actually worse than that... He doesn't WANT to hear it, much less believe it, much less believe You.
I have a similar issue with my SO - on much less severe occurrences... If I say anything AT ALL about SS's behavior, (I mean anything) I will get every possible reaction and response OTHER than the appropriate one. No Validation About Bad Behavior of ANY kind - EVER.
I am with the others... get a cam and record this stuff. Then Make him watch it, and be prepared for a holy war of a fight afterwards.
yes, I think you're right.
yes, I think you're right. It is denial; he doesn't want to believe that there is a problem, and while on some level he has to at least partially see it that is why he gets so angry when I point it out.
speaking of less severe occurrences, like you mentioned, that was in the beginning of our relationship, too, before we had our child together. Things like telling his dad it is not ok for him to lie, steal my things, jump on the couch with dirty shoes, drink multiple sodas and bounce off the walls...on and on. It has never gone well to point out the "elephant in the room."
What you said about--No Validation About Bad Behavior rings true. Over Christmas his son said something pretty awful and disrespectful to his grandma, my husbands mom (I don't remember exactly what he said, but my jaw dropped and neither one said a thing.) I confronted my husband about it later, and he was just like, "That's just his personality." It's always something like, that's just him, that's how he plays, but he is a GOOD BOY, etc. The awful part is nothing gets corrected and it snowballs into worse and worse behavior.
I will admit that I placed my
I will admit that I placed my children at a higher priority than my wife's. I will accept that w/o question. But my reasons had much to do with my wife's past and behavior almost immediately after our wedding. I think it absurd to create this fantasy world where we as blended parents should automatically and immediately love our step kids as much as our own biological kids. Absurd. My relationship with the step son became increasingly strained b/c my wife had this idea that he needed a man to get him in order. He does. Unfortunately, b/c I was the only one being consistent with discipline, the boy became more and more resentful...as I had. There is a clear danger when women, knowing that they have little control over their own place too much of the burden of discipline on the step father and not expect that there will be conflict. No excuses, just my own observation.
My wife has heard from teachers, other adults of her son's issues, behavior. She came into our new relationship w/ no plan/strategies to help him. She was resistant to hearing that her son was not the happy, so wonderful kid she wanted to hold onto. Protect your own....in the end, protect your own.
Yes, I've observed that
Yes, I've observed that common desire in step family situations. I think it's a pretty basic but impractical desire on the part of people going into relationships with kids. They want the perfect family that didn't happen the first time; here, fix this, be a super hero. That's what I experienced too, but instead of being expected to be the disciplinarian, I think my husband expected me to be all hugs and cupcakes, and above all accepting of his son in every way. I have never been unkind to him, and I've always left discipline up to my husband, but I will call him out on bad behavior in a flash and tell his dad what I see, set limits, etc. His son hates that because I get the impression it was always a no holds barred fun-fest before I came around. So his son does dislike me for that, but at the same time always have attempted to be kind & interactive. It's hard to win. But I've accepted I'm not the cause for his attitude & behavior...it's much deeper than as long as I've been in his life.
Not ok. Ugh.
Not ok. Ugh.
Where do you draw the line
Where do you draw the line between "kids being kids" and aggressive bullying behavior that is not acceptable?
I believe from what I have seen that it has crossed that line in ss11's behavior. He has a need to dominate, control and maybe even cause pain to a smaller child, and I have observed him doing this to my dogs also. Red flag??! I feel like I need a psychology degree to understand this, but the bottom line is not letting anything bad happen to my toddler.
While I am no expert, it seems to me that an 11, almost 12 year old child should know that it is not ok to be hurtful to a toddler. And I do think he knows that it is not ok, otherwise he wouldn't wait until he thinks no one is watching to do it.
I've also gotten to the point
I've also gotten to the point where I don't leave his son unsupervised with my dogs. They're pretty amazing with children--getting climbed on, fingers stuck in their nose, all the weird things kids do to dogs on occasion. But ss11 seems to enjoy getting them into a position where they are afraid and causing them to be afraid. No way in hell I want to take the chance of them getting euthanized or tortured so that he can have his sick fun.
It's a good point that if my husband refuses to step up as a parent to take his visits elsewhere, or just take my son, dogs and leave if my very real concerns are not respected.
Thank you
I have a similar situation
I have a similar situation with a skid and bk at a similar age difference, and it honestly freaks me out. Luckily, for the most part, my DH always back me up. He NEVER believes skid over anything I say, which is key. Unfortunately, BM is out of the picture, so skid is here FT. We never ever EVER leave skid with bk out of our sight for even 30 seconds. This means bk spends a lot of time in our room with us, or skid goes to their room when we have things we need to do. The kids aren't even allowed to play in the same room behind the couch where we can't see them. Skid knows it is because they are not trust-worthy.
I think sometimes siblings DO play/fight this way, however, not with such a huge age difference. Over 3-4 years, it becomes something that looks more like abuse than sibling play.
So, yes, I would do the camera. I would also never leave DS alone with SS ever.
That's a huge issue...not
That's a huge issue...not only is there his son's behavior, its that he doesn't want to believe me. He still thinks his son is trustworthy around our toddler, but because of what I've seen I really do not at all. So it's a war between my husband and I to top it off.
Your SS knows what he's doing
Your SS knows what he's doing is wrong if he waits for you to leave the room so he can torture your child. That's proof right there that this isn't boys playing and just being "rough". I have 3 boys. Yes, they play rough but they don't hurt each other on purpose (most of the time). They liked to wrestle when they were little and of course there are times when they fight and get out if control but still, it wasn't something so bad that I felt like I couldn't go to the bathroom. I haven't read the other responses yet; I wanted to get my thoughts out first but you need to record this hellion so daddy can see his little angel in action.
Personally, the only value in
Personally, the only value in taping this kid's behaviour is to confirm your own suspicions. Your DH is in denial, and evidence won't change anything. There is nothing so powerful as wilful blindness.
What needs to shift in your home is the authority vs responsibility scale. If you are in a position where SS is not always directly in DH's eyesight, you have too much responsibility. It's normal that DH feels he has 100% authority about parenting SS... but he's trying to pass off the concurrent 100% responsibility.
This is not your problem to solve. Either DH takes back the responsibility he has dumped on you (which has lead to this problem) or he gives you adquate authority to handle the responsibility he has dumped on you (and make sure you think this one through, maybe you don't want it).
And if you are concerned about your kid's safety, then protect him. You don't need DH to agree to that - in fact, if you suddenly learned DH had become involved in dark magic rituals and was stealing BS's blood on nights of the full moon to use in his rituals, but DH explained that it was all ok because that's just how he rolls.... would you try to convince DH that this wasn't a good idea or would you be packed and gone before DH could show you his wand?
I see what you're saying, and
I see what you're saying, and awesome analogy btw
Nanny Cam. Videos don't lie.
Nanny Cam. Videos don't lie. If Daddy Dearest won't do anything about it then, you will have to leave to protect your child.
My kids are 11, and the
My kids are 11, and the younger is 3. This is NOT NORMAL. Not not normal. That boy is VIOLENT and CRAZY. And your H is in denial, to keep up his precious precious visitation with his precious son.
It only takes a second to have something so bad happen, that can never be undone. I would say no visitation in the home EVER. Or you and your son leave during visitation. It just is not safe.
He is actually looking for opportunities to hurt your son, he is waiting and watching like a predator for you to be in the bathroom or distracted.
I know. My SD was the same way, nice act for daddy. And no matter how carefully she would be watched, she would act out during the few seconds of opportunity.
Your SS is extremely violent,
you nailed it, the worst part
you nailed it, the worst part of my worst fear. that ss11 could actually be one of those VIOLENT dangerous children who have the potential to seriously hurt another child. Reading what you said--"It only takes a second to have something so bad happen that can never be undone," reminded me of an instance, over a year ago. SS11 had just came to our house for the weekend and left his bag laying open on the living room floor. I walked past and noticed a long handle and pulled out a 6" long dagger, an illegal knife in that state. I have no idea why he had it, if someone gave it to him or if he stole it, or what his intentions were but it scared the living shit out of me. Husband didn't know about it, and wouldn't ask his son's mom why he had it, wouldn't even ask his son any questions about it, just said that he couldn't have it. I took it away and never gave it back, but damn, what would any sane parent think of that when you are already on edge about aggressive behavior?
if you can elaborate any more about the signs of a predator like you said, as it seems you have seen it, I feel like I need to know because I need my eyes wide open on this.
I have experience with a SD.
I have experience with a SD. She was definitely more verbal. I think that's why I tolerated it so long. I would say they get bolder and bolder. My SD would , the last year of visitation, when she was 11 and my kids were 10. She would act syrupy sweet fake in front of daddy. It was a sweet smile and psycho eyes. then when he wasn't looking she would stare me down for minutes on end with dirty looks. She would go into my kids rooms and say horrible horrible things. Not even arguing or interacting just going up to them and saying vicious insulting things.
So overall. I would say for skids. It's the combination of being fake around daddy, and laying in wait for an opportunity to verbally or physically act out. And my SD took it a step further and cried real tears cause she just wanted me to "like her". And she didn't "understand why she doesn't like me" this after spending the better part of the day sneaking around giving me dirty looks.
your son could have died, due to that knife. Or been blinded or scarred for life.
That all sounds eerily
That all sounds eerily familiar.
And yes, it haunts me as well as other indicators that I should not just sit passively aside and let myself believe that nothing is wrong, while putting my innocent little boy in danger.
Others have said it, but I'll
Others have said it, but I'll echo it - your SS is NOT RIGHT. He is a PREDATOR and your child is going to pay for it. DH is a moron, and he's going to back his son - you will NOT WIN. The little bastard knows that DH is on his side, its only going to get worse as he gets older, and again . . you and your little one are the only ones who are going to suffer here.
Put in nanny cams, and confront the DH. Give him ONE CHANCE only to address the situation after you have shown him the video evidence. Also, drive down to your local police department and ask them who can be charged with what, should the nanny cams show disturbing abuse by your SS.
Get your affairs in order, and be prepared to leave. For your sanity, and your child's safety.
indeed, his son knows daddy
indeed, his son knows daddy is on his side and uses all his manipulative tricks like lies and tears to make sure it is so.
you know, these are all things I've thought about in one way or another, but it makes me feel sane again to have others recognize and confirm what I've observed and thought.
sammantha, my sd15 is
sammantha, my sd15 is aggressive and mean and can be physically violent. I already put a stop to it at my house. But I sought therapy one year into our marriage because of her and was venting about the way this girl treats her own full brother, my ss. The therapist listened to me then asked me if it was still occurring. I said "not at our house, can't speak for BM's." Therapist says, well, what you are describing to me is "reportable." SD was 14 at that time and ss a big 12. I said "they are both kids?" Therapist said "sibling on sibling violence is a real problem and it is reportable and if you describe to me another new instance of it I will report it."
So there's that.
Next, I wanted to say I would tell your DH "I am willing to buy nanny cams and I know that ss will soon provide me proof. But are you willing to look at that video tape? There will be another consequence of my buying the nanny cams. I will have such a deep wound and resentment of your lack of trust in my adult judgment that I don't know if such a blow to our marriage can be healed. So are you willing to risk those two things? Having to look at the tape and possibly weakening our marriage beyond repair?"
I don't think you should have to buy the cameras (but you must protect your toddler whatever it takes). I told my dh within 2 weeks of our wedding that if he can't believe my adult observations and goodwill toward his daughter then our marriage would never work. He took it to heart and he has never put SD's word against mine ever again. I could not stand to crawl in bed with a guy who thought I was a sneaky stupid liar or something like that.