Predatorial behavior??
Just got through a week-long visit with SS12. He lives 5 states away so I only see him a couple times a year. In the past he has shown dominant, aggressive behavior toward my son who is now 3. I should say he would wait for opportunities when he thought no one was watching and then go from a docile angel to a mean hostile bully. It's never gotten to the point of my child being injured because after the first time I realized he can't be left alone even for a minute with my toddler, and that his dad do it...which he argues about and finds unnecessary because he only sees the well behaved side. So I don't let my son out of sight, even around a corner when SS is around.
Anyways, during this visit he was well behaved when watched as usual but pretty much every chance he got would try to lure my toddler off to a bedroom and close the door or off behind a house, etc, away from everyone else. I brought my son back or followed them every time, but the repetitive determined effort to get him somewhere alone was outright creepy to me. We were around lots of other kids, a few much closer to SS's age but he really made no effort with them (he's pretty awkward in general) but focused entirely on my toddler. SS was also constantly picking up my 3 year old and kept touching him, like messing with his hair, stuff that looks totally innocent, but the constance of it seemed strange for a 12 year old boy.
The unassuming part of me (and his dad) want to think he is just happy to see his little brother and happens to want to wander off to play. Considering his past aggresive tendencies, I am really creeped out that he was so determined to get him alone. I know SS has been in therapy in the past, but that's all I've been told, it's pretty much taboo to ask his dad or his grandma any questions, they either divert or lie, especially grandma.
I've seen people mention "predatorial" behavior on here before and this situation to me has a bunch of red flags. I'm always extremely diligent but visits fill me with anxiety wondering what this kid is trying to do to my baby. Any input would be appreciated by those with experience!
Yes, I undestand that. For me
Yes, I undestand that. For me it's a question of how much anger he has and that he seems to want to secretly take it out on my much smaller child, and no want wants to acknowledge it but me. But yes, I always have to be the one to carefully constantly monitor even if the rest of them think I'm paranoid.
We are already to the point
We are already to the point where I insist we meet to visit at one of his relative's houses. His son is especially hostile to our toddler and myself when he is in our home and it's just too much. For the sake of our relationship I make the effort to take part in a visit once or twice a year, but even that fills me with dread and like I can't relax for a second. It's hard to even be around him after the way he's acted, especially to my baby.
Yes, my toddler is his too. I
Yes, my toddler is his too. I think he would be protective in any other case, but when he wants to believe so hard that his first son could do no wrong it is useless trying to express my concern.
SS's mom is an outright liar
SS's mom is an outright liar and manipulator and just mentioned to grandma he was in therapy, something to do with behavior at school. It would be useless to question her because she is never honest. So not sure if he is lying or just accepts it does no good to ask.
I suppose what I see that his dad does not is that it is more than just "boys being boys" and playing rough, which is his explanation. I see it as dominating, acting out on anger and his other issues on a much smaller child...which I see as being a bully, plain and simple.
We were around a lot of kids, all family, their cousins. They don't see each other all that much but know each other.
When I followed them it was like as soon as SS noticed me he would become disinterested and do something else.
Good question, does he have a
Good question, does he have a right to access his son's medical records? SS is in full legal and physical custody of his BM, dad has visitation.
I could be overblowing this all, but seriously who could live with themselves if you ignore your gut feeling that your child could be in danger if something really bad happened?
SS's mom is an outright liar
SS's mom is an outright liar and manipulator and just mentioned to grandma he was in therapy, something to do with behavior at school. It would be useless to question her because she is never honest. So not sure if he is lying or just accepts it does no good to ask.
I suppose what I see that his dad does not is that it is more than just "boys being boys" and playing rough, which is his explanation. I see it as dominating, acting out on anger and his other issues on a much smaller child...which I see as being a bully, plain and simple.
We were around a lot of kids, all family, their cousins. They don't see each other all that much but know each other.
When I followed them it was like as soon as SS noticed me he would become disinterested and do something else.
Also dh doesn't want to talk
Also dh doesn't want to talk about therapy, behavior issues, any of that because when it comes to SS he is in total denial that anything could be at all wrong. Very disturbing and immature but I suppose it makes it easier for him to deal. All in all the whole situation around SS has always been a huge fiasco and think he cushions himself to try to make the best of it he can, even if it's denial and doesn't see that ultimately makes things worse.
Also dh doesn't want to talk
Also dh doesn't want to talk about therapy, behavior issues, any of that because when it comes to SS he is in total denial that anything could be at all wrong. Very disturbing and immature but I suppose it makes it easier for him to deal. All in all the whole situation around SS has always been a huge fiasco and think he cushions himself to try to make the best of it he can, even if it's denial and doesn't see that ultimately makes things worse.
Not mad he was playing with
Not mad he was playing with him, but we both explained our 3 year old is too young to be alone away from us, and he kept trying to lead him off away from us anyway. When SS does good during their supervised time together we've made it a point to praise him.
When I said he had been aggressive in the past, I didn't mean rough play. I meant when he thought no one is watching his urge to be violent, I.e. about to punch a baby in the face. Of course a lot of kids act differently when they think no one is watching. It's his angry violent side that comes out that scared the shit out of me. I've seen him do it to my dogs, caught him beating them in the face to the point they were terrified. And what's messed up he seemed to enjoy it. Ya I told him it's wrong, don't do that. And he said, "They're bad dogs" and laughed at me. Btw if it needs to be clarified, I don't have bad dogs.
He beat your dogs?! How did
He beat your dogs?! How did that happen? What did DH do about it?
You said dogs, like plural, more that one? If anyone hits my dog, they won't have an opportunity for a second blow.
By dogs I meant walking in on
By dogs I meant walking in on him hitting one in the face and the other next to it looking terrified. They're super passive dogs, especially with kids and just sat there looking sad and scared and confused.
What did DH do about it?
What did DH do about it?
Same thing he always does
Same thing he always does when I tell him something his son did that needs attention, Nothing. Some trite remarks about boys being boys. He doesn't ever want to see a problem, which would require discipline. He fears his son won't like him.
When I first saw it my son
When I first saw it my son was about a year old. I had walked around the corner to grab something and came back 10 seconds later to see SS winding up to hit him hard in the face with this really crazy look of rage. He saw me and stopped about an inch before making contact.
He basically said that SS
He basically said that SS would never do anything to hurt him and there was no punishment, he didn't even mention it to SS.
When I first saw it my son
When I first saw it my son was about a year old. I had walked around the corner to grab something and came back 10 seconds later to see SS winding up to hit him hard in the face with this really crazy look of rage. He saw me and stopped about an inch before making contact.
Watch a kid who is 10 years
Watch a kid who is 10 years older than your child about to punch them in the face and tell me that does nothing to your instinct for danger and desire to protect your baby (literally, not even able to walk yet.)
Correct, I have no
Correct, I have no proof--wounds on my son, video footage, etc. I feel your sketicism and I'm used to it. Actually, gaslighting is dh's chosen tactic when it comes to any adult conversation about his son's behavior. Clearly, I am making shit up to banish him and live my fantasy life! That however would fail to explain my willingness to try to participate and encourage positive relations between my son and his half brother, in What seems to me only supervised, supported time together. What I'm talking about is being safe, for my son's sake.
One thing you are somewhat
One thing you are somewhat correct about, is that I went into the situation with full acceptance and willingness to help watch his son. When I realized that the responsibility came with no authority or respect and this boy has some severe behavioral issues, I stepped back. Still willing to participate but not to be the only adult present.
So what is your perspective? Does the other person in your relationship accuse your child of being a bully, and you refuse to acknowledge any of their concerns? Or perhaps you are so wise you can handle any adverse behavior, no matter how disturbing? If so, please do share. I did not come here saying I was right, but that these are my observations and looking for experienced people's input. No right minded person wants to see their child abused.
Predator, not necessarily
Predator, not necessarily sexual. More so, the need to act out some kind of behavior on someone perceived as weaker. It could be his tendency a couple years ago has totally disappeared. Not something I'm willing to leave to chance behind closed doors.
Thanks. And I suppose that's
Thanks. And I suppose that's all the support I'm looking for. I had thought this page was for people in these situations looking for support and guidance through difficult, complicated situations. The majority of the replies were people looking to re-affirm their opinions that anyone with concerns in a step-parent scenarios are automatically the bad guy.
F*ck. I'm still trying. Nothing has been perfect or remotely sane in my "case". I have not listed every instance that made me weary and afraid for the safety of my young child. But hey, guess that's what you get going online and trying to have a constructive conversation with people, in general. Perhaps if lucky, one or two will get it, and the rest just a bunch of monkeys slinging shit.
Thanks for your input
Thanks for your input referencing two courses of business law. I'd actually be more interested if you have any expertise on behavioral psychology or actual experience with children with behavioral issues that are relevant to the situation.
I guess you've watched a lot
I guess you've watched a lot of Looney Toons, and I've seen plenty of people throw punches in the real world lol...lol? If I'm standing in arm's length in front of you with my arm 45° above your face swinging, What is the expectation for what is about to happen? Not winding up like a windmill, or a cartoon. It's an expression, you pull your arm back for a punch. Excuse my figure of speech. Or not.
My point here is making sure
My point here is making sure my toddler has a safe environment when he visits his older half brother. If babies about getting punched in the face make you think of the Three Stooges and the likes, may I politely suggest you check yourself.
Fair enough, because your
Fair enough, because your opinion that I am spinning tales has zero importance to me, either. I will go about my business of 1) protecting my child, and 2) seeking intelligent conversation with people who have the ability to comprehend a very complicated situation and navigate through it peacefully and safely. Have fun with your Looney Toones, dear.