Its important he know so he knows what is going on. How he feels is irrelevant. You're doing this I presume because you've been totally ineffective or disrespected so much you either do this or leave.

Disengagement doesn't mean to be rude or mean. If a child needs help most adults would help and if your step asks for help it likely means they're reaching out to make peace or amends. It's important that you don't let the opportunity go by without a positive response.

I was disengaged yet when my youngest step-daughter was ready to learn how to drive I stepped up and did it as the school program had shut down.

I've put a link below to a explanation of disengaging that perhaps you have not yet read. Print it out for your husband and tell him its just a guideline and it can change day by day depending on how the kid reacts.

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

I discussed nothing with my DH about disengaging. I just started doing it. And my type of disengaging is one that is popular around here: I do engage on occasion, but on MY terms, when I feel like it, when it suits ME.

I have braided, straightened, curled, and even washed my skids hair when they've asked. I've also said no. Sometimes with an excuse ("Let's see if you can do it") and sometimes I just said, "No. Not tonight." I don't feel explanations are mandatory. I'm not mean about it. When I'd get push-back "Whhhyyy? why not????" I simply restate, "No. Not tonight." If it persists, I say, "Ask your dad," to which the DH usually gives me the sideways glance of "Dang it. But ok, she's my kid, I get it." And then he normally says no too. Haha!!

For me, the key is balance. I do some things sometimes (willingly, cheerfully, without expectations) but I also feel free to take a break when I see fit. I always say no if the skid has been a recent PITA (even when I don't openly point out the PITA behaviors). I think, even subtly, the message is delivered that when a skid acts like a PITA and doesn't want to work together with me in other areas of life, then that skid won't get what they want from me. There have been times I've said, "Yes, SD12 I will braid your hair." But when SD8 says, "Me next!" I say, "No. Not tonight," because (in my head) I know SD8 was a dink all week and I am not rewarding her bad behavior.

When I do say "yes" I do it with a positive attitude, no expectation of the skid, and no future guilting ("Remember when I did ABC for you, skid?" never comes out of my mouth).

There's been a couple of times I convinced myself to say "yes" when I felt like saying "no" because 1) I've done it for my own DD just because she's my Dear Daughter, and 2) I realize maybe I'm just being bitchy or in a foul mood that day (which isn't the skids' fault).

But in the end, I disengage when I know it's the right thing to do or my mental health needs the break. I engage when I feel like it. And I carry zero guilt about both of my decisions.

if you read my posts here we just emerged from a somewhat stressful custody battle and up until it started things were actually somewhat decent with me and my SD. once the battle started she changed for the worse.

i was fortunate in that i was able to use that as the catalyst for my discussion with my fiance. the battle in general was bringing must stress and strain to our relationship and SD's behavior and attitude took its toll. im lucky in that my fiance sees and admits probably 85% of SD's shortcomings.

he is not happy ive disengaged but understands why im doing it and the fact that our relationship has improved via my happiness has been a positive that he sees adn feels.

ive been disengaged for about a month now. ive made it clear that if SD improves her attitude and behavior i may re-engage. but i refuse to play her games and let her manipulate me and im pretty much the only adult in her life that doesnt take her crap.

I have discussed my disengagement from SD7 with DH, while he was not thrilled about it, he understands and is supportive . He tries hard to " keep her out of my hair " as he calls it.

I think WE as steps need to sometimes come down to earth and realize one very important thing - THESE KIDS HAVE PARENTS. They are not orphans. Mine have 2 parents, a mother and a father, a father with a substantial income, 2 hands, 2 feet, a mouth ( in BMS case a nasty one but one nevertheless ) . There is absolutely no need whatsoever to get overly involved with them. I feed SD7, I provide a roof over her head, and I ensure she has a clean bed to sleep in. That is about the end of my responsibility. Everything else is a bonus, and depends on her behavior towards me, which is shitty, so the bonus at this time is zero.

I brought this up to DH when he's being an idiot.

I found many times, he wanted to have it all ways.

He was upset when I want no part in, or tell him I have no opinion about, something SD related, but when I feel BM being intrusive and tell him, he defends his actions, or more to the point, his inaction. I told him SD has two parents- you make that clear, so... peace out.

I'm friendly, I'm polite- usually vice versa, but no love lost between us.

Please just remember, disengaging doesn't mean that you ignore the child (as in pretend they're not even in the room) but you do learn how to ignore the behaviours. You don't do anything for the children that you don't WANT to do - so if you enjoy straightening your SDs hair, then go ahead and straighten it. But if you hate straightening her hair, then you politely say no thank you. If you think that making your skid lunches and dinner and doing her laundry is the best thing in the world, go ahead and keep doing it! But if you hate doing these things, then stop. If you love to spend time with your skid doing a particular activity, go ahead and do it. But if you hate it, again, just stop.

It's better if you can work WITH your husband on your disengaging, especially if you can frame it for him in the way I described above - notice how I didn't say one word about your SD and her behavior, but focused only on the task. How can your husband get mad at you, if when you tell him you don't want to do something, it's the activity you don't want to do - "I don't enjoy making SD lunch, I don't want to do it anymore" sounds a lot better than "Your daughter is such a lying little so and so! I'm not ever going to make her lunch again!" Right?

In my opinion, people tend to struggle with disengaging if their focus is on punishing their husband or the skids, instead of focusing on doing things that give them pleasure (or at least don't make them want to smash their heads into a wall lol)

Agree with Sparkle