Day 3...still disengaging...
Well today I had the day off. It was a beautiful day. DD12 woke up this morning about 9:15, came downstairs and greeted both me and DH (who hadn't headed to bed yet from the night shift) with hellos and how was work and sat and chatted and hugs all around. DD made herself some breakfast and ate. DH went to bed. I'm cleaning and picking up, my DD goes and starts some laundry (all on her own without be asked) and says, "Mom, I'll be in the Kid Cave. It needs to get picked up" okay great! Thank you!
My mother stops over on her way to work at about 10:30 for a cup of coffee and to say its a beautiful day out why don't you come out to the lake. I only have one appointment and then I'll be headed out. Yeah okay mom, I will probably do that going to do some cleaning and see if SS12 wakes up soon.
The reason i say SS12 only is because I don't give a shut of SS14 is awake...I'm not taking him...still no apology from him to start working on repairing the damage...means he's not a part of my responsibilities and I won't be including him in anything I do. Ss14 wakes up, comes downstairs says hi. My mother and I both reply good morning. He hangs in the kitchen doorway for a couple minutes and then goes and plops himself on the couch in The living room. TV is not on, he just sits there on the couch. I think he was waiting for me to ask him what he wanted for breakfast. Fat chance! He is 14 first of all...fully capable of making himself something. Second...He showed up at 11:00 and came downstairs...pretty much almost lunch time at that point. Third...I am not his cook nor maid and if I was working he would have been in his own. Lastly...he has not made any effort to do what he was told he needs to do therefore even if I had made breakfast for DD, he wouldn't be getting it from me.
After 15 mins he goes back upstairs. I go upstairs to start cleaning my bathroom. It's now 12:30...I hear what sounds like someone coming up my steps. I look outside...no one coming in...SS14 walking OUT and climbing into dear grandma's car and they pull away. He never said anything to me, his father no one. Just walked out of the house like at 14 he can come and go as he pleases. I walk down the hall and peek into SS12's room. He's lying there in bed, playing on his iPhone and watching tv. Still in his pj's. Yesterday he did the same thing and stayed in them until 4:00 in the afternoon when he was told you need to get dressed you have ball and we will be having dinner soon. He sees me so I say, "are you planning on getting out of bed at some point today?" I get a mumbled idk and I'm watching tv. So I said fine and turned and walked out. Now for whatever reason since this boy came back in Sunday he has been I different to me and has barely spoken to me. There hasn't been a problem with this skid recently. So I continue with cleaning the bathroom, he walks in and says I need to use the bathroom so I leave. He walks out...I walk back in, he never says a word, I think he may have gone downstairs and made something to eat but then was right back upstairs in his bed.
Enough! So I finish the bathroom. DD is bringing clothes up from the laundry and I said get your stuff, we're going to the lake. I did all my chores today and thank you for helping. And DD and I walked out of the house. I said NOTHING to SS12. He wants to ignore me and act like I am of no importance, well I can do the same to you and I will. I have had enough of going out of my way for spoiled rotten brats who could give a shit less about me. You want to stay in your room in your pajamas being lazy all day on a beautiful sunny day and barely speak to me....go ahead. But I sure as hell am not chasing after you to ask you to come with me and do something. Screw that. These kids are 12 and 14. They should no longer need to be chased around. They should not have to be forced into interaction. They should not have to be told how to treat adults with respect. Certainly adults you live with and who support you. So I am done!
DH woke and send me a message asking where I was. I called and sweetly said, "hey baby, you're up. I'm at the camp with liv. Your tee time for your match is 3:50". His response was "no one else gets to go with you today?" And I a cranky tone if I say so myself. I just sweetly responded, " well I left at 1:30 and SS12 wasn't out of bed yet. It was a beautiful day, DD and I did some chores and I decided I wanted to enjoy the sun". His response "SS14 wasn't even home when you left he went with my mother to help her return cans" Mine (again sweetly) " really? Hmmm well he left the house without saying a word to me. And obviously he didn't wake you either. He just walked out without telling anyone. Wonder how he talked to grandma." DH: " his brother's phone I suppose. Well alright. Bye". Three minutes later, another call from DH "are staying there overnight?" My response, "oh no baby, I'm working tomorrow. I'll be back in town in a few hours. Good luck in your golf match."
When I got home I figured there may be fireworks coming from DH. I pulled up and he had made SSs go outside and he was playing catch with them (nice he's playing with his boys...but the background here is those kids have to be entertained. At their ages that should no longer be an issue. They should be able to entertain themselves without daddy) I walk up. I get a hi fromSS14 (he's been very adamant about saying this to me, even though he will say nothing else) and I reply hi and SS12 gives me this look (I know he's pissed that I didn't tell him I was going to the camp and taken him) so with a big smile still on my face I say (and yes sweetly)" oh you decided to get out of bed and wear something other than jammies today" and walked in the house. DH came in about five mins later, and surprisingly NEVER said a WORD about leaving skids at home today. 
And although skids behavior bothers me, I feel fine with things....it's up to DH to take care of his kids problems. I won't be bothered anymore. And I'm kind of enjoying the fact that they are starting to feel the pinch of SM not treating them like their one of hers and just some random kid.
Winning. And feeling great. It might be wrong to feel this satisfied about it but I don't care!
Because I normally treat them
Because I normally treat them all equally. The skids have always been included in anything I do with my bios. I treated them like they were my own. If my bios acted like that I wouldn't have taken them either, but I probably wouldn't have gone either, would have stayed home because of the behavior, however, I refuse to be treated like that and give up things I want to do, and basically punish my bios for skids bratty behavior.
It's a surprise to DH and to the skids. I am pretty sure they were pissed I didn't take them and just left the house....didn't say a word to them. Not my kids, not my concern, not my problem....my new motto
So far it's helping! So I feel like I'm winning!
Well done! I would now be
Well done! I would now be making any excuse to leave them there as it will be too boring for them to want to join you. Announce the night before where you are going like taking care of an ill friend so doing her chores but it has to be something important. Leave them there to be parented by their parent. If he is trying to sleep and they wake him, he will have to be the tyrant. Just say sweetly that you cannot get out of your obligations so he will have to make alternative arrangements for them because they think it's boring coming with you.
I work four days a week full
I work four days a week full time soil don't need to come up with excuses. I happened to have a rare mid week day off. Wasn't about to let the brats ruin it or get anything from me if they can't be basic polite, respectful and decent human beings.
And I honestly have no problem at this point, just excluding them without an excuse. We have five kids total, three are mine, and I have no qualms about not including skids if thesis their behavior. If my bios treated my DH and skids the way my skids are treating me and bios, I would have NO PROBLEM with him excluding them. But that's because I can be a parent...without worrying about upsetting the monsters. If they can't act they way they should, then that's on them. But that's also why MY children would never behave that way. I don't tolerate that behavior from my kids. I am a parent first, I have years to be their friend when I am done raising them. Raising them into strong, confident and PRODUCTIVE members of society that people WANT to associate with.
"They should no longer need
"They should no longer need to be chased around. They should not have to be forced into interaction. They should not have to be told how to treat adults with respect. Certainly adults you live with and who support you."
This is soooooo on point. My hubs initiated a "family meeting" style convo tonight at dinner with me and SD about this very same thing. SD10 would rarely initiate even a "hi" exchange with me without being prompted by DH. If she needed something, I could literally be standing right there and she would wait for her dad (she once stood in front of the closet where we keep the pool towels staring, jumping...I was five feet away in the kitchen doing stuff,but I could see...this went on for about 5 minutes before DH came downstairs and she asked him to get her a pool towel...)...she claims to be "shy" around me, yet liberally interrupts and/or butts into adult conversation...gives one word answers or blank stares when I attempt conversation...all this after four years living under the same roof. And let me be very clear: Kids LOVE me! They think I'm funny and fun to be around..,even my BD6 (who I know is biased) goes on and on about how I'm awesome, even though she gets consequences (her words)...It wasn't always like this with SD, this...distance...it changed shortly after the false abuse allegations against me. (That's a whole other can of worms) It's like, I know "they're kids", but how can you live under the same roof with someone who does the cooking, cleaning, driving, all the heavy duty stuff and barely even acknowledge their existence?? And when you do, it's only after being prompted to do so??
(This post was more of a vent than anything....carry on.)
Exactly! I will no longer
Exactly! I will no longer tolerate prompted exchanges by DH. These boys are old enough to know basic manners and polite behavior. They live in my home...and have for 2 years, while I have been a part of their life for almost four. I am not just someone off the street. I am a member of the family they are a part of and live with, and I will tolerate it no longer!
Vent anytime! I know how you're feeling!
I got the impression the 12
I got the impression the 12 yr old is generally an ok kid? Maybe he's really confused and has a conflict about loyalty at the moment. It'd be a shame to push him away when he really needs to be encouraged that it's ok to love you guys, even if SS14 is a douchebag. Even if SS12 behaviour is really getting on your nerves. He prob is so confused, a lot has happened. Just my thoughts.
SS12 for the most part has
SS12 for the most part has been good, although three months ago he was in trouble for poor grades and he didn't like it much. First time he had these consequences because the kid is usually a great student, but he has been getting lazier and lazier. I think he was surprised to see the consequences were the same for him. He started the tears thing, to which my response was, put them away, they don't work on me. BM babies the hell out of this kid and that works on her....but sorry I'm not BM and the fake tears do not work on me.
SS12 did not like this much, and when he went to mom's house he told her that dad was hitting him because of bad grades (he had a bruise on his shoulder from two weeks earlier from a wrestling match that involved all five kids vs DH), pulled his hair (I know many parents give a tug on their kids hair, but in four years I have NEVER seen my DH pull his kids' hair), and put his hands around his throat. Guess what! BM hauled the kid up to CPS and we were visited and investigated! He also told them that DH and I have verbal altercations ( I asked worker if he was seriously asking if we have arguments....I said umm yeah we do, we have five kids from two families and certain people who continuously cause tension, and if arguments between parents is child abuse, you better get a big truck to round up every parent on the block!) and SS12 said DH has been physical with me and my DS7- DH has never laid a hand on me...he's not that kind of man, and if he did, I sure as hell wouldn't be here still, and he'd be walking with a hell of a shiner because I'd pop the bastard right back not has he laid a hand on my children...and of he did...re read last sentence. So we have had lying issues with him in the past. And each day he is getting lazier and lazier. He occasionally will come back from his mother's with this kind of attitude but it hasn't happened for awhile. We have been together since 2011. He's 12, and he should know better at this point. BM doesn't pay a dime for anything...if it wasn't for me the kids wouldn't be in hockey, baseball, and a million other things. So I'm not doing it anymore. I have never told them (nor has DH) that they have to choose between us. I have consistently and repeatedly told both SSs that you have a mom, she will always be your mom, I am a parental figure in your life and love you and you can never have too any people who love you.
My concern is we are starting to see SS12 growing into SS14. The issues with SS14 started to get terrible right around this age....mom started laying things on thick and she will use and do anything she can to try to drag DH and I through the mud. So if he can't see the difference at 12...especially when he is with me full time and her EOW he can learn how life is if I'm just a nobody in his life (as his mother puts it). But you can bet when he wants something I'll be the first one he asks for it from.
You are exactly on the right
You are exactly on the right track. Include them in nothing but respond in kind when they respectfully speak to you. Answer their questions and if they ask to be included in something going on they get wind of then do so. Their attitude will be so much different since they're doing the asking.
You've taken the power rug out from all three of them and they probably are confused. Good. It's well time they learned that you're not to be pushed around. Stay the course.
PS: It can't hurt your daughter any to see how tough Mom can be if she gets angry enough.
Thanks for the encouragement!
Thanks for the encouragement! I had a discussion with DD in the way to the lake because she said it's just you and me mom? I said yup, if SS12 wants to lay in bed and not acknowledge anyone on this home, then he can stay home. I expect you and your brother and sister to treat DH with respect and to interact and not ignore him and everyone else. And you don't, none of you three do, because I raise you better than that. But if SS12 is going to be this way then he will be left out of things I do. You kids, wit the exception of DS7 are old enough that neither I nor your stepfather should have to chase you down to involve you in our family. I'm not doing it anymore. As for your oldest step brother, well he hasn't taken the steps necessary to start any type of healing process, nor to earn any trust back, so he too will not be included in the things I do alone. I wanted her to know that A- I am still standing up to SS14 and to a point DH for SS14!behavior. I will not let it slide, I will not act like it didn't happen, and it will not be going back to normal by ignoring it. He will be held accountable for what he said about her...to me and her at least.
I am already feeling some weight being lifted. Although it is still difficult I am keeping on the oath. This is heard for me because I'm not this type of person when it comes to kids but I have no other options at this point in order to retain my sanity and not be angry. I just keep telling myself, not my kids, not my problem, not my concern.
DD7 has a session with the counselor today. And SS14 does later in the day. And DH and I tomorrow. I'm sure it will be discussed at that time. Although DH gave said nothing yesterday, he seems a bit distant this morning when he came home...oh well. I am irritated with him for not being more upset with SS14 and just acting like life is the same as always with that kid when he hasn't done a thing DH laid out to him in our "family meeting" on Sunday evening...but I'm working on coping with that too.
I feel better after reading
I feel better after reading this thread. Your attitude is refreshing and it's wonderful to hear how your biokids are polite and responsible - they sound charming.
Thank you for the compliment
Thank you for the compliment concerning my bios. I do my best. I want them to have opportunities in life, but I want them to be the kind of people that others trust, have respect for and know they have good moral character.
I of course think they're charming (well most of the time ha ha) but I know I'm a bit biased.
DD12 has a session today.
DD12 has a session today. Not 7...sorry...but we are going out for Chinese just her and I when it's done! she came to work with me an is helping out around the office...she's a good kid.
Seriously. You are my hero. I
Seriously. You are my hero. I am going to book mark this and read it again and again, whenever I need a reminder why it's ok to reward awesome bio behavior and not reward unpleasant/disrespectful skid behavior.
Thank you for this!!!! I needed it right now.
I'm glad I seem to be helping
I'm glad I seem to be helping others...because I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it through all this. I stumbled on to this site after the last straw with SS14 and his lies about my daughter and it has been so helpful. The support, the outside viewpoints, and the resources and tools.
I wasn't sure if I would be able to do the "disengaging" thing, especially when I have SSs full time, but it is getting easier, and knowing that I am doing it for a damn good reason and that SSs behavior has pushed me to this helps to ease my guilt of "we're not a big happy blended family". It was hard, and heartbreaking because, we really were at one point. The kids all got along wonderfully, the skids and I had a great relationship, my bios and DH had a great relationship...but too much of influence from BM and MIL, and DH not setting appropriate boundaries and making me do the "bad guy" work has changed that and I no longer will tolerate allowing KIDS to make me feel like I am less of a person, or mean and evil because I expect appropriate behavior and intend to raise good kids people will want to be around and be friends with. I will no longer tolerate tension and anger directed towards me by my DH for holding skids to that standard. I wanted the big happy family, and had it for a short time, but I have come to realize that only my DH can have the influence over his kids, as BM and MIL will make sure to continue to tell them I am not their parent, a terrible person, and that I am no one to them. So for may own sanity, stress levels and fairness to my children, I am standing my ground...and will no longer consider them MY kids, which means they are no longer MY problem. It's freeing.
I'll keep updating, as getting things off my chest with people in similar circumstances helps deal with the frustration I get from watching the skids turn into rotten brats when they could have such a better life...
Thanks everyone!
Am I missing something here,
Am I missing something here, are you seriously comparing your perfect kids with his rotten kids? Sounds to me that there are issues with the SKids mother that may be perpetuating some of the issues you are seeing.
I dunno but to me you sound as immature as the SKids.
I appreciate the responses.
I appreciate the responses. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and hey that's what this board is for right? I disagree with Frank, and we can disagree. I do believe Frank that you don't realize the full situation, but that's okay. I do stand by my position to not cater to teens who are disrespectful and abusive. I choose to not put myself there. BM does have some small part here, however the skids are with me full time and the excuse of their mother can be introduced slightly, but at the same time that's not how I raise them and since they spend the majority of the time with me, they are CHOOSING to be this way and use me for what they want. Kids are not entitled to more than basic necessities...everything else is bonus and if you can't treat me with respect and dignity, then I don't need to reward you with bonuses. My kids are far from perfect, however they are and have been raised with the same expectations, rules and guidelines as skids and they are held accountable. My kids do not behave this way, because frankly they appreciate what DH and I do for them.
As for sueu2, I appreciate your viewpoint. I think it's more than a bandaid however. I think it's a new way of life if this is how the skids choose to behave. As for being subjected to SS14's presence, we discussed this in counseling and it was to give SS14 the ability to be around and make the repairs. He is choosing not to do so. My DD12 knows she doesn't have to interact with him, and she just ignores him. She is very mature and strong and she is also seeing the counselor to discuss issues she has with her father and the issues with SS14. She knows she did nothing wrong and that he is the one at fault. The fact that after being in the home since Sunday he hasn't done anything, will be discussed at counseling. And we will see where it goes from there. My DD12 knows she can come and talk to me about anything, and has. She has discussed with me that SS14 acts like nothing happened and that upsets her. She is hurt that he would say something so hurtful about her, but in her eyes, that just means he doesn't need to be a part of her life if he cares that little for her. They aren't around each other much as DD12 is very active and is off doing things with friends. And she knows mom has her back. She is very open with me and ale to communicate her feelings knowing she will not be judged and we will talk through it and work on a plan/solution/or just vent. But I do appreciate the concern. Thank you for your viewpoint also.
I stand by my decision that what I'm doing is best for my family. Best for me, and my bios. I stand by my feelings that I don't need to cater to anyone...certainly not teenage skids who have no respect for people they live with.