Getting concerned and wary of SS10s behavior
Ss10 has always been very immature for his age. He has a lot of behaviors and mannerisms that he is too old for, and are usually seen in much younger children (like the 2-4 age range). He also had ADD, and all the self control/ impulse control issues that come along with it.
Lately he has become very fixated on getting hugs from little kids. The first I noticed it a few weeks ago, he began to really push BS3 for a good night hug. No big deal, he wants a hug before bed from his brother. But he has gotten really, almost paniced when BS isn't out in the living room when he is going to bed. If BS is in the bathroom, or still changing into his pjs in my room.... He gets antsy and and seems too invested in NEEDING a hug from my son. He doesn't ask for a hug from Sd9 (not that shed give it even if he did). He also is hugging him way too long. It's not a quick hug.... He is almost forcing a lovers type embrace on bs3. BS has to pull away and ask him to let him go most nights.
Last night he got his hug from BS, and the asks BS to come tuck him into bed and give him another good night hug. I put a stop to that, saying that BS had his own bedtime routine to finish, and that SS already got a hug. I got a really uneasy feeling when I heard ss ask that of BS. It just brouht up all the other off things that SS has done or said and now I don't fully trust SS.
Then, this morning dropping them off at daycare, SS walks into the main room and immediately puts his arms out and asks some kid "do you want to hug me today?" There was a half wall dividing us so I couldn't see who he was talking to (age/gender) but it wasn't BS, because he was still at the front counter with me. The way he asked it makes it sound like he asks the kid for hugs a lot, and sometimes the kid says yes and sometimes no. SS caught my stare, and immediately dropped his arms and walked away. This has made me even more wary of this behavior.
Why is a ten, almost eleven year old boy so fixated on hugging other little kids? Even if it is innocent, both the school and daycare has a no-touching policy. He knows fully well that he isn't allowed to put his hands on people for any reason.
Does this seem innocent to you? Or would you be concerned with leaving your small children alone with him? Dh has been talking about moving BS into the room with SS and I am really concerned about having my son in there with him unsupervised all night. I don't want to accuse SS of becoming a pediphile or anything, but with his boundary issues, and his need to be touching I just don't trust him.
HAs anyone (apart from you)
HAs anyone (apart from you) made it very clear to knock off the crap?
OK, MAYBE this is part of his impulse control/routine conforming thing he has going on. But it may be insidious as well.
I think it is time to talk to his father and mention that this behaviour in a 10/11 yr old COULD be seen as creepy and no 10/11 yr old boys need a hug from younger children.
Also I work in a drs office and we have a couple of Aspergers boys who are touchyfeely. They are in their 20s and try to hold an adult conversation with you but it just falls short of relaity. It is hard to understand or explain but it is like they are repeating a piece of conversation with you and not quite getting the context. Both of them make a point of hugging their nurse and in a 20something young man that is not the correct action in the real world but in their world it is completely OK.
But then is he only targetting younger kids or does he do the same thing with adults?
Until he gets the touchyfeely thing under control I would not have him sharing a room. His behaviour is not normal and whether it is stalker or something neurological it needs to be addressed before ANYONE co-shares a room. Home is where we learn to behave in public. This is his training ground and I would start with ONLY hugging adults. If his father has a problem with it he needs to understand how odd this will be in the Big Wide World.
It's not only little kids,
It's not only little kids, but its mostly little kids. I think he focuses on littler kids because his age-mates are obviously not going to respond to him in a positive way. I he asks a 11 yr old boy for a hug he will get mocked and teased, or maybe even punched.
Both Dh and I have brought it up in the past. It's been a whole since we've had to say anything. But the daycare has spoken to him about hugging (last year) and both the school and daycare have repeatedly reprimanded him for the no-touching policy.
He is more touchy feely with adults when he can get away with it too. He will try to sit on grandparents laps (they let him, but knows its not allowed by us at home), will ask to be carried by how aunt (she allows it), so he really will do whatever he can get way with. We enforce appropriate behavior in our home, but as soon as he thinks he can get away with something, he will.
Two weekends ago we were at a cousins house for a birthday party. The kids were in s different room and I peaked my head in to se SS had picked BS up and was spinning him around. SS knows full well that he isn't allowed to pick up BS, yet the moment he wasn't being watched, he's picking him up. He knows things are wrong for him to do, but is does them anyways.... Which is what scares me about having the boys share a room. If he gets some idea in his head, no matter how messed up.... He'd do it.
If you and DH approach your
If you and DH approach your primary care doctor and ask him about age appropriate, and disorder appropriate 'urges' then he may be able to prescribe an urge suppressant? Once that is in place you will better be able to discern his behaviors. Some kids just need more affection than others? I really cannot say for sure, I would try to eliminate causes though.
He was on medication for two
He was on medication for two year, but Dh pulled him off of them. Didn't take them over the summer, and Dh made the decision not to put him back on the for the school year.
Personally I think he either needs the meds again, or Dh needs to come up with a better, intensive behavior plan. But I am just the stepmom and was given no input on the matter.
We actually took SD off her
We actually took SD off her ADHD medicines over the summer and her behaviors were no better or worse for not taking them, I agree that filling a kid full of amphetamines is not the best plan. Behavior modification, or getting the child to want to do the right thing by using positive reinforcements.
I am taling about medicine to reduce sexual urges so that you know one way or the other what is causing the specific behaviors. Kids can place their 'affections' in the wrong direction and to a child with the attention span of a mosquito talking does not make any difference.
It might be worth mentioning to DH that the behavior could lead to some atrocious acts if the boy gives his attention to 'the wrong type of person'. There are predators out there!
I don't think its sexually
I don't think its sexually driven at this point, not in a deviant way atleast. But I don't trust him to be able to judge the line between appropriate and not.....or to even care if he was being appropriate or not.
And at some point, probably soon based on his age, it will become sexual.
And even if it is comletely innocent on ss's part, I don't want my son growing up thinking its normal. It's not appropriate for a preteen boy to be hugging on kids all day long, looking for any opportunity to be touching and hugging them.
BS is only three so very innocent and impressionable.
Sounds a little odd to me;
Sounds a little odd to me; definitely emotionally/developmentally immature for a kid his age. I don't know what else you can do but try to stop the behavior by continually reinforcing that it's not acceptable in most situations. Start by stopping the excessive and required hugging of your 3yr old.
Even if it's innocent immature behavior, some others outside the home may not agree and could react differently if they witness him requesting to hug their toddler. So it's in everyone's best interest if he's steered away from that kind of behavior.
Is he exposed or enrolled in any extracurricular activities with kids his own age? Band? Sports? Boy Scouts? Something that will mature him and get him around kids his own age range? If not, may be a good idea to start seeking such means...
What would you guys say are
What would you guys say are appropriate rules/guidelines for SS10, almost 11.
I don't want to e too harsh (no hugging) but I also don't want there to be so many conditions that he don't remeber them all or have it be rediculous.
Does this sound reasonable: No hugging any child at school or daycare ever. One hug when you greet your cousins, if they say no do not ask again. One goodnight hug from BS, and if he says no, do not ask again.
I quite frankly never hugged my siblings goodnight, or my cousins. But it feels too harsh to say no hugging anyone.
And then what if the other kid initiates the hugging?
UPDATE Spoke to Dh on the
UPDATE
Spoke to Dh on the phone last night after the kids went to bed (he work until 1130 at night) and explained what I had been noticing at home and what I saw at daycare drop off. I focused mostly on how it would look to other people and how people could easily get the wrong impression. I ended my schpeel with "I know how I would react as a mother if I found out that some random 10/11 year old boy was repeatedly pressuring BS and trying to hug up on him."
He was silent for a moment to think. Then he agreed with me. Said he noticed the same things that I had at home with BS, but also didn't want to say anything to make it seem like he wasn't allowed to love his brother. But I mentioned that I never hugged my siblings good night, and he said he never did either. He asked what how we should approach him about this....told him I didn't know and that why I was discussing it with him before we said anything to him.
He spoke to SS this morning before school. Hopefully this will put a stop to it. I doubt it, knowing SS..... But I hope.
ADHD comes with delayed
ADHD comes with delayed maturation, so it is not surprising to act younger than your age with ADHD. it often comes with other issues also, sometimes learning, other times behavioral. Does he crave deep pressure? Are the hugs meant to give him input into his joints? Does that make him feel grounded? I would talk to a good occupational therapist to see if there are ways to address this behavior - it could be sensory-seeking in nature. May be if he were to wear a pressure vest for 30 min. a day it would calm him down and reduce the need for huigs. Or have a weighted blanket in his lap when he watches TV. Or may be you could make a "sandwich" with him using a large cushion underneath, as bread, then the child, as you name it, meat, turkey breast, then you "spread mayo on him" by massaging his back then you add more layers - make them up, then another big pillow and then you squeeze out excessive mustard or something - my kids loved it when they were young. Pressure feels good, esp. to someone who is a little hyper. But try finding an OT - his school might have one, or a local hospital.