You need to remind her why she took the risk to date you in the first place. I understand a parent's love for their children is important but one day they will leave and what will you be left with? You need to make your marriage to her your first priority. Make her believe that she comes before they do, because she should (in my opinion). When you show respect towards her and demonstrate how that's what she deserves, the kids will do the same and she will notice. If being an active force in your kids life isn't something she wants, then theres probably a reason why. Ask her what you can do to make it better. Take her out on dates and treat her like your wife and not like the stepmother to your kids because she doesn't like being that right now. If you work on it/try to figure out whats upsetting her and it still fails, then you tried your best and it wasn't meant to work out anyway. I will say though that I recently looked up statistics about how often marriages work the second/third/etc time and it said if you can get past the first 2/3 years of your second marriage, it will last because those are the hardest to endure. Good Luck.

Seems you expect her to feel towards them the way you feel. Stop it.

You admit their short comings. Either correct their behavior or stop being upset with your wife's feelings. How would you feel if your wife regularly imposed rude, messy house guests on you and expected you to love them like she does?

From the comments you posted that she has said, it seems that you have expectations of her as a stepmom. You should have no expectations of her taking care of your kids. They are your kids, your responsibility - not her's.

I have to wonder if you're a Disney Dad and your wife is fed up with it.

What is so horrible about any of her statements? What expectations do you have for your wife? Did she agree to them? They are not her children -she does not have unconditional love for them. She probably never will.

Your wife loves her mother - how would you feel about your MIL coming to stay every other weekend & invading your home and personal space. I would venture to guess she'd be more polite & better behaved then 13 year old boys.

I would suggest maybe a counselor as a third party to help you hash out expectations, responsibilities and house rules.

Are the ladies done? How can a guy put anyone before his kids?

Now I'm not saying they should be allowed to be rude or any of the other things kids will be without consequences - i.e. get away with it. But I am saying that kids will be kids and she knew he had them going into this. Wait. Remember I said "without consequences". Now we can all disagree on what deserves consequences and how harsh they should be but kids are going to do things and she has to understand that.

What this guys wife wants at the very least is for him to take his kids and stuff them in the garage when they visit but preferably tell them they can't enter the home any longer. Probably she would settle for him taking them camping or something every weekend and whatever other vacations and holidays come along. Anything as long as she doesn't have to gaze upon their unwashed faces.

Well we know that's not feasible. First he can't afford it a and second you guys would all point the "Disneyland Dad" finger at him which at least one of you already has done.

Slim Shady I think it would be a swell idea if you listened to some of the ideas these folks have had on how to liven up your two year old marriage. Take her on dates (not camping) and stuff like that. Bring some flowers home for no reason once a month. Listen to her complaints but lets be realistic they're NOT her kids and they're always going to be "ungrateful". Get over it lady they're living breathing human beings and he sired them. Pal if it comes down to divorcing your kids or her you should dump her faster than a hot potato.

Let me throw out a thought. She knows full well you're not going to give in to unreasonable demands and could very easily be making her case for getting out. If I were you I wouldn't fight her very hard if you think that's what is going on as the decision is already made. If that happens make sure your kids don't get even a inkling they were part of her problem and for heavens sake don't make the mistake of getting married again until they're well out of high school. Don't even introduce them to a new girlfriend. Tell any prospective women that you're children's life is off limits to them until after high school is over for all of the kids something you should have done in the first place.

How is her behavior other than the comments? If it's just the comments that bother you, tell her to keep them to herself. They aren't necessary. It's disrespectful and immature. There is constructive criticism and then there is just bitching.

I do not like my bf's son. I will not marry him because of this. We have even discussed marrying and living in two separate homes. But he does not know I don't like his son. I have told him that I have a problem with the way he is best buds with his son but he doesn't know the down and dirty truth: that I hate being in the same room with the two of them because his son is in the parental role and tells his dad what to do and criticizes him. It is emasculating and a turn off. Instead of bitching about him, I do not put myself in the position of wanting to choke them both. I haven't seen his son since Christmas.

Slim,

Welcome to the community. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

Here are my thoughts on the situation you originally posted about.

The marriage is the priority for the spouses involved. It takes precedence over any children in the family regardless of biology. If that is not the case then the odds of matrimonial success are just about zero IMHO.

However, children are the top responsibility. Their needs should be provided for and that includes feeling that they are part of the family and the home.

In the situation you describe there must be something that is causing your bride to not feel confident in her marriage to you when you kids are in the home. What that is only you and she can figure out.

To feel that you are both equity partners in your marriage your bride has to be an active equity parent to any kids in your marital home regardless of biology. If you address the issues that are causing her to not feel that she is an equity partner and parent you just may resolve the risks to your marriage.

Of course there is the possibility that your bride has neither the maturity or character to get past her feelings about your children and if that is the case then only you can decide if you want to keep your future hitched to a partner that won't ever accept your children as a comfortable part of your marriage and lives together. Many STalkers who are Sparents have over the years I have been a member of STalk have born frustration due to their spouses/SOs not parenting their children, tolerating toxic kid behavior and allowing the kids to be toxic and disrespectful to the Sparent, the marriage and the home. You may want to step back and try to look objectively at your 13yo sons and their behavior when in your home. It sounds from your original post that you are an NCP. It very well may be that discipline of your boys is not a priority for you when they visit. If that is the case then it may serve you well to recommit to the priority fo your marriage and reconfigure how you are parenting and disciplining your sons.

Being equity partners and equity parents is what has worked for my bride of 20 years and I. My SS-21 was an only child in our home until he launched to viable self supporting adulthood 3 years ago. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married a week before he turned 2yo. The three of are a family but my bride and both knew that SS would grow up and have his own life so we always treated our marriage as the priority for both of us. So far it has worked.

Good luck to you.

Sincerely,
Rags

Read this article, and the forum will also hopefully help. For one limit your conversations with your ex, if she is interfering. And I am guessing they are a handful, especially at that age. I would suggest getting them every other weekend, so you and your wife have your own time, where you can bond or go away together. Whatever you both decide, NOT your ex. Or switching one weekday for a weekend, certainly there is a compromise. And so your wife has some peace, visit them away from your home. Talk to your wife, on a good compromise because obviously she has given you enough hints.

The reality is, if you don't make changes and end up divorced, the same thing will repeat itself. Your children may never like her, and that is ok..they merely need to act respectful and decent when in her presence. Same with her, and she doesn't have to like them either. Look at it this way, relationships can change and maybe someday they'll all get along. You may not like who your kids marry, but in the end that's who they pick, and you merely have to be respectful of that.

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