step son moving in?
Hi, I'm new to this forum but really feel I need a resource for discussion with experienced people. I'm having a lot of challenges with my boyfriend's 10 year old son. He has never had custody and he only comes over a couple times a month to visit, if that. When he does, it seems that the whole peace and energy of our home is turned upside down. We have a 5 month old baby together, that's going well and above all my sanity and ability to be a great mom is my biggest concern. I support his visits with his son, but it has occurred to me he really hasn't had much time with him and wants to please him so it turns out to be all-fun, no-discipline chaos. Progressively his behaviors are getting worse, he lies, manipulates, does what he knows he shouldn't when no one's watching, has shown abusive behavior to animals at my house, and doesn't want to do anything but watch tv or play video games. I try not to discipline him, but have calmly explained he cannot jump on our furniture with shoes, hit my dogs, etc., which has resulted in him being totally passive aggressive towards me. I just keep calm, try and stay busy and let him & his dad have their time. Dad/boyfriendtakes it personally if I mention any bad behavior so I just try to keep quiet. Now, this I can handle as long as it's the occasional visit. Here's my worry...boyfriend mentioned recently his son might want to move in with us when he is 12. Dad has good intentions but I feel that a lot of the rresponsibility is going to fall on me, since dad works a great deal and so far has shown time with his older son is for watching TV and such. On top of it, I feel I get no say in his discipline/boundaries but am expected to cook/clean/be jolly. I'm totally greatful for my baby and wouldn't change a thing but this situation with his other son is turning out to be hellish. I can only imagine his bad behaviors will escalate as he hits puberty. I don't want his care to be dumped on me. Any advice?
Yes, you NEED to be able to
Yes, you NEED to be able to talk about the behavior situation. If he is already being aggressive with your dog, you don't know if it will turn to aggression towards the 5 month old as well. And there is no way that you can be left with children that have no boundaries and no authority to put some in place.
If he is not willing to have that conversation about what the expectations are in the house for all children, what support you can expect from him as a father once this arrangement is full-time, and what he expects from you specifically, then the move might have to wait until everyone is mature enough to talk that out.
And just a thought - those rules and boundaries should begin before he moves in, otherwise it will be a shocker when it happens all at once. Either way, boundaries are good for all children and your baby will soon learn that certain behaviors are fair game...
Good luck
Thank you for your comment.
Thank you for your comment. This is why I mentioned abusive behavior towards the dogs, it seems like a red flag for dangerous behavior around a baby. I feel bad for his 10 year old, it seems these actions come out of some kind of emotional issue, but I'm looking out for my baby above all. Currently I don't allow BF to leave his older son with me alone. A part of me just doesn't trust him. I totally agree it's not a possibilty for him to move in without some serious adult conversation and parenting agreements. I tried to explain to dad we need to have more rules & disciplines when his son visits, everytime this turns into an argument. His wants to believe is son is simply a "good boy" and I think it's part of a shield dad puts up to not feel guilty about his lack of serious involvement for 10 years. It makes him very defensive and a cloud around this boy's behavior. I think they call this being a "disney dad."
You need to have a talk with
You need to have a talk with your BF. I think you should let your BF know that since his child will be primarily in your care, you have a say in disciplining him. Period. If he cannot agree to something that reasonable, unfortunately things are going to go downhill from there in your relationship and life with this kid in general.
Some of these behaviors, are completely unacceptable but your BF is guilt parenting, and unable to see this. These behaviors are not going to get better as this child reaches the teenaged years, and has a father who permits him to behave like a wild animal.
If he wants his son there full time, you have a say and he has a responsibility to support what you decide. Personally, I think if a person expects to have their child with them full time, they need to be the primary person caring for him/her. The exception would be when their partner choses or seeks out being the primary caregiver for someone else's child. They certainly should ambush someone with a child that has serious behavior problems, and get defensive when that person complains.
thank you. I have been
thank you. I have been feeling kind of guilty for not wanting to have his son's care put on me full time. I agree with what you said about wanting to have him full time he need to be the primary care giver. I guess the big issue is dad doesn't want to see any problems with his son. Even when he lies right in our face, there is no consequence. The violent behavior scares me. It's always when he thinks no one is watching.
It is a shame that you
It is a shame that you brought a baby into this situation before figuring all this out, because it will either end and the baby will also be from a broken home, or you all will be miserable until the boy is out.
If it were me, and it's not, because I live 30 mins away from my bf to avoid the nightmare you are facing, I would tell him that if he does not get his son under control you are under no circumstances going to go along with his son living with you full time. He has two years to get it done. If he doesn't, his son stays with bm. Don't give on it. It doesn't matter if Daddy has good intentions. Results are what matters.
Also, kids can't just choose where they want to live at 12. Or 13. My bf is going through this right now. Unless the mom is strung out on drugs or in jail, the court is not likely to change custody.
thanks for commenting. I
thanks for commenting. I don't feel it's a shame we have our baby at all. I'm financially and emotionally capable of giving him a great life if dad weren't in the picture, made sure I was ready for that before ever having a child. It's the harsh truth, what, about 50% of marriages end these days. My parents split up and I am fine. That's so true he does need to get him under control, even for his visits, because inevitable the older brother's bad behavior is going to influence my son. I guess it just comes down to results, like you said. I do sort of envy your distance in your situation! Wouldn't trade my baby for anything though!
You need to have some serious
You need to have some serious structure for this child. I know bc I have 4 years dealing with this. First off implement video game & tv times. (For example: 1 hr in am, 1 hr before dinner, etc something like that) also TV time. Get puzzles, books, art stuff etc. Because this is new you will have to sit with him to start a puzzle, or draw... He isn't going to just go to it on his own. Make comments like, "you can earn more video game time for good behavior" Also bc he's there so little he probably is in the notion that dad's home is vacation time-- do what I want, treat others how I feel. With some simple chores (setting table, sweeping porch, bathing dog, etc) it'll give him a sense of ownership. This is not to be for punishment or reward. This is because "we are a family, families help, it takes everyone- you included for this home to function) If you stay consistent on this you will notice a huge change in behavior in a short time. Because your home is just a visit vs his "home" you & dad need to establish a sense of ownership. He is probably hurting dog bc he feels it's more the dogs home than his. Just some thoughts. You can do this! There's lots of resources out there online too to engage a child.
Appreciate the suggestions.
Appreciate the suggestions. My mom said much the same thing! Have tried some of this but there is no attention span for games, outdoor play, chores etc. Dad tries to initiate this (I point out little suggestions for them to do together becuase they boy acts like he can't hear me or just mutters and walks away) but it never lasts long. I get what you're saying about the dogs, what's alarming is that he might turn this acting out towards the baby, since it is the baby's home.
Is the child autistic? Wether
Is the child autistic? Wether he is or isn't google how to parent a child with it. The way you talk, engage & receive their behaviors needs to be modified to help him. Parenting needs to be done. If dad isn't available- in your house- you are it. Beginning making an active parenting plan. You want THIS behavior-- how do you get it? Dad will get on board when he sees you investing in his boy & sees some well praised good behavior.
Initially I tried to be very
Initially I tried to be very engaged. I don't think he is autistic but does disply typical "ADHD" behavior. I get what you're saying but with what I have going on with my baby and otherwise it's not very realistic to commit myself to taking on his behavioral problems head on. At best, working with boundaries. I don't think it's wise to put myself into the one in charge of him when he comes over because if he is at our house I want his dad to be the one primarily doing that, and not further corner myself into the position I don't feel comfortable in. Especially when he goes home and is right back to the parenting that cultivated his behavior. I have actually had to step back and remove myself somewhat for my own peace of mind.
Personally, I would remove
Personally, I would remove video games and tv time completely. I would just unplug the box and put it away. Tell him cable got disconnected and only watch yourselves when he is not there. I say this not to punish him, but because I know how hard it is for a parent to draw limits on these items. Before you know it, you get busy, and forget to reinforce and after a few days, the kid is playing all day. Not to mention, it is part of his problem. Life needs to come to a screeching halt and he needs to bond with the family members doing things outside, fun activities, etc. so he can see he is in a safe and loving environment. And Dad needs to discipline him when necessary. There are fewer moments to "discipline" (teach) when he is playing video games on his time. When I remove gaming from my house, my 12 yr son is a completely different child. It is the nature of the beast.
It has crossed my mind to
It has crossed my mind to sabotage the x-box!
Yep. But it can be used as a
Yep. But it can be used as a carrot to dangle in front of him. When my kids were little I swapped minute for minute with reading. Double minutes could be earned for enthusiasm or doing it without being prompted.
I agree, but there is a
I agree, but there is a difference between using it as an incentive for well managed kids and a child who is out of control. It should not be used to control behavior, otherwise he will start bargaining for doing what he should anyway. He needs an internal incentive to want to behave appropriately.
im all new at this too, but
im all new at this too, but everything ive read indicates that the bio parent should set the household rules, with the step parent merely enforcing them. you should speak to your BF abotu establishing some household rules and expected behavior, have the convo with his kid, then go from there. your baby is your BF's child just as much as his son, so he needs to think of both his kids.
i agree with others - kids who have shown abuse towards animals more often than not show abuse to humans later either abusing children or their wives/girlfriends. is this boy receiving any therapy? it might be a good idea to look into that too.
Yep. Totally agree. The
Yep. Totally agree. The difficulty is with my BF wanting to believe his older son is perfect. Simply doesn't want to hear it, and takes any "parent" like advice or opinions I have sorely. It's the main cause of my frustration, admittedly. Since the few occasions I've directly stepped up and told the boy he needed to stop hitting the dog, etc. he has become very distant from me. It also may be an issue of his BM training him to dislike me (she doesn't and I stay away & keep my mouth shut around the boy.)
Yes, children who abuse animals are often prone to abusing other beings. No one wants to admit he may need therapy or anything like that. I feel the need to protect my baby above all. Don't feel I have any say or power concerning his son.
I know you don't want to
I know you don't want to cause waves, but you need to have a serious conversation with your SO and tell him what you've told us. show him this thread if it helps. he has these blinders on and he's not helping his son become a functioning member of society. it's his JOB as a dad to raise this child into a responsible adult. no child is perfect, they ALL need guidance. it's not that you do not like his son, he needs discipline. have this conversation with him, telling him that while he's making these grand plans, he's left out one important detail...you are not raising this child. you weren't even consulted. you have your own and did not go into this relationship believing you would be raising another woman's child. and before you'd even consider it, you would have to see that he is providing the help and discipline his son needs. yes, this means you will have to see ACTION. he WILL have to get off his hump and begin parenting, or his grand plan goes absolutely nowhere with you and your child in this house. you have a lot of power as you are self-sufficient and have resources. you are not the live in babysitter that he can just dump his kid on. you need to speak up before this happens. and no, I do not believe the bio sets the household rules alone. it's not just his house. they are joint decisions and apply to all the children living in the house, and both PARENTS OF THE HOME enforce them. i'm sure you'll get the old "you hate my kid". simply state that isn't true, but you "hate" HIS lack of parenting, and you need his help in making this situation one that you WANT to be in. it will be intolerable if it turns into full-time. in fact, I couldn't take it every other weekend. honesty and communication is key here. the honeymoon is over. it's time to negotiate the terms of this relationship before this happens. speak up. good luck, hon.