Need to get this off my chest - No judgement please

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So I have posted in here previously about my hatred for BM and dislike of SD.

My husband & I have been through a lot because of BM and her games, and everyone including In laws have always trod on egg shells because no one wants to upset her because of "SD" "Have to keep the peace because of SD" "Just let her say and do as she pleases because we need to see SD". Well Ive had enough now, for the last few months I have noticed my husband distancing himself from his previous family, not calling, not visiting and not really mentioning either of them which has been pure bliss to me. And because of the situation I gave into Dh wanting a child and am now expecting.

Well Im assuming because its drawing closer to Christmas or whatever the reason be, he has now decided he wants to bring them back into OUR life, fair enough he wants to see his kid but I can no longer stand to even hear her name. It makes me cringe whenever she or BM is mentioned as it is a reminder of how much of a headache his past has become to me, our relationship and my family.

I have now gotten to the point, after hearing the phone calls and expectng the visit that I am now really regretting my choice to have a child with my husband. I honestly wish I did not get myself in this position & he can sense something is wrong but I cant explain to him how I feel because he just doesnt understand. I find myself physically turned off him and cant even bring myself to be around him because I feel disgusted. I dont know why - maybe a sense of how could he even bother after everything BM has done.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so do your feeling ever change towards skid or is it just plainly clear a marriage will not work between a split family when the ex has caused so many problems it has nearly cost you your marriage and sanity?

Sometimes when your pregnant

Sometimes when your pregnant you change but you can 100% blame it on that because there was a moment in your life where you were crazy over this man. Just remember your duties as a wife is to keep a smile in his face as his duty his his as well- from Wife off the stepfather

Yes there was a time when I

Yes there was a time when I was crazy over him, I guess that time was when his ex wifes happiness and demands didnt come before mine. I just completely regret giving in to having a baby because this is not the way I imagined "enjoying" a pregnancy

He does everything you are

He does everything you are saying - excluding the email thing. He has a seperate phone which is used for contact as last time BM had his everyday phone number she used it to send naked texts and family portraits daily.

I think more than anything I am annoyed that I am in this position, prior to being pregnant I disengaged and chose to not be a part of anything to do with him where his daughter or ex were invloved. I also find myself thinking far down the track and becoming annoyed at little things that are "going" to happen - like my due date is 3 days before SD birthday. So im going to have this child and husband will be taking off interstate within a few days to spend SDs birthday with her.

WHY WHY WHY did I do this :sick:

Yes that would annoy me too,

Yes that would annoy me too, why even put her on that level when she never was?

I was hesitant over the spare phone, then of course comes the.. 'Well I have to talk to SD, I need a phone to call her'. No they don't have joint bday parties (yet) and he says he hates bm do would never do anything other then meet with her to pick up SD in a public place but I'm assuming he will say he has to fly over to spend the day with SD because it is her birthday/ I can't even process how I am going to feel on that day which leads me right back to why did I do this.

If that Island existed I would be there right now and I probably wouldn't ever come back

I think your dh needs to get

I think your dh needs to get a court order outlining visitation, transportation, custody, etc. That'll help make things a lot less crazy with bm. If she's in violation of the co he needs to notify the court. She can get in serious trouble. Sd does need and deserve her dad. Her bm may well be a jacka$$ but sd does deserve to have her dad in her life. A court order can help make that happen. It can also help to ensure that bm doesn't invade your life more than necessary.

About your ILs, you can't tell others what to do but you can choose to make them less of a presence in your life if you feel they're adding negativity to your life.

About your dislike of sd, I think you need to figure out if a lot of it stems from how you feel about bm. Try to find things about sd that you like. Does she have a nice hair color? Does she look like dh? Is she a good artist? Is she good to animals? She may be annoying, but she's young and probably needs more exposure to other people and environments. Although she's annoying, she is still a separate person from her bm.

Maybe you would be open to counseling? You're pregnant. You don't need the stress.

Would your dh be open to asking to being able to take sd out to dinner on a Saturday before or after her birthday?

There are existing court

There are existing court orders, he has visitation every fortnight for a weekend, his responsibility to fly an hour to pick SD up from BM and bring her back then repeat when he is dropping SD home (he moved interstate to where I live) and uses this spare phone to contact SD every night - all of which he has totally ignored for a number of months now. I am starting to think that he knew there was no way I would agree to a baby while the circumstances were as they were so he ceased contact (without saying so) and when all of the stress settled I was happy and agreed. Now I feel as though it was his plan all along and now things will go back to the way hey were.

I dont like anything about SD, she comes into my home and tells my DD that husband isnt her real dad, she tells her she's prettier than her, she says alot of nasty things, she's clingy, she's actually cruel to my little dog and she has a tantrum anytime her dad comes near me or my DD and sits in between us if we try to get close. And no, she looks like her mother and resembles husband in no way whatsoever.

I have looked into counselling but Im not sure what I would say to my husband when he asks why the hell im seeing a counsellor. The truth that his ex wife and daughter make me regret getting pregnant probably wont go down well

"I dont like anything about

"I dont like anything about SD, she comes into my home and tells my DD that husband isnt her real dad, she tells her she's prettier than her, she says alot of nasty things, she's clingy, she's actually cruel to my little dog and she has a tantrum anytime her dad comes near me or my DD and sits in between us if we try to get close."

She's probably jealous that your dd gets to see dh more than she does. Is dh dds bio-dad? If he's not, sd is likely jealous that some other kid gets to see HER dad more.

SDs feelings on that are fine. They're normal and human. Her behavior isn't. Dh should be teaching her healthier ways of coping with her feelings (as should bm). You should tell him that you can see why sd feels the way she does, but he needs to teach her better ways of coping.

WTH do you mean he will be

WTH do you mean he will be going away for his kid's bday right after your baby is born?

I can only imagine the

I can only imagine the emphasis that will be placed on the importance of her birthday. How can I argue that? I would basically have to tell him that he shouldn't go and see skid for her birthday because our daughter has just been born

You would be basically

You would be basically telling him he couldn't fly interstate to see his daughter because you had just given birth to HIS youngest child. Yeah, and so what. He can see her the following week if your back on your feet.

You need to tell him how it's going to be from now on. He doesn't get to dictate the terms of the marriage all by himself. You have rights, hopes, dreams and expectations too. It's a marriage between you two and 3 children now, not him and SD.

You need to sit down and tell him how you are feeling. What you want, what he wants and is there a compromise. But you will never work it out or change it if you don't tell him. You will never change it if you are walking on egg shells with him as he is/was with BM.

Currently you surmise he will fly off to see SD around your due date. You are stressing, worried, hurt and angry over that but you don't even know if he plans to do that. You need to ask him directly. Then you need to deal with the facts, not your fantasies.

Nothing will change unless YOU change it.

I wish you all the very best with your pregnancy, I hope you can sort this out with dh so the remainder can be far less stressful for you. Talk to him.

I have asked him what he

I have asked him what he plans on doing about the birthday, he very vaguely explained that his parents can go and get her maybe and bring her back was his first suggestion, then 'how many women actually give birth on their due date' and then basically said we'll figure it out when it happens. So to me that suggests he has every intention of leaving on her bday.

Every time I have tried to speak to him about the way I feel he tells me my hormones are going crazy and I'm being petty. I cannot have this conversation with him anymore because it gets me literally nowhere. According to him this is all about me not wanting him to see his kid and if that's the case I should give my dd to her bio dad and we're not seeing her.

But thank you for the well wishes x

He is exactly right about one

He is exactly right about one thing....

How many women actually give birth on their due date!

Not many. Most go over... so you may be IN labour or waiting and could go at any second so there is NO way he can be popping off interstate this year for sd's birthday.

He can go and see her a few weeks AFTER the baby is born, the BABY is his youngest child, and the BABY and you, his wife, will NEED him at that time and that comes first regardless of what sd wants or he wants.

Explain it to him that way. It's not about not wanting him to see SD just postponing it so that it's not right around your due date. TELL him that worrying that he won't be there for the birth or to support you afterwards is causing you stress and if he cares at all about YOU and his BABY he needs to stop that.

He can see SD later, she will continue to have birthdays her whole life, his baby will only be born once. THAT should be the priority.

I have offered on many

I have offered on many occasions to leave with my DD and spend the weekend in a nice hotel and relax while skid is here so that they can have their own time but more so for the simple fact that I can't stand her and would rather not be around her or them together, they make me feel physically ill while I also feel guilty for DD who notices skid gets special treatment over her. When I suggest this he gets angry, it's like he is trying to force a relationship that I will never let happen- they have done the damage now so I have no time for skid or bm.

So perhaps he will get his parents to pick her up, which I'm sure will lead to in laws and husband trying to force their way in with her and ensure that skid meets the new baby instantly as they will be very distantly related. I cringe at the thought of sokid near me, DD or a newborn within hours of giving birth- I feel as though that is a violation of my privacy and my moment with my family that she is invading, and I do not want her, or bm to know any part of it.

I'm going crazy literally, I just reallywish I didn't do this

Birth of baby aside, how do

Birth of baby aside, how do you equate baby's 1/2 sister as 'very distantly related'? Baby and SD will be 1/2 of the same father, that's not a 'very distant' relation to each other.

I 'get' you don't like the child and desire nothing to do with her. But being the child is 4yrs old, as long as you're with your husband you can pretty much figure this girl will be in the picture for the next 14 years. If you divorce the father, you can pretty much figure the baby and the little girl will continue to be related and perhaps both see their father for visitations at the same time.

You haven't given much for examples, but I can tell you it wouldn't be a stretch to think this little girl is jealous and upset that a total no relation little girl (your bio kid from prior relationship, not with Dh) lives with her Daddy fulltime and sees her Daddy much much more than she gets to. You make this kid sound like the demon child herself, a total monster that intrudes upon your little girl's territory. I have no clue what BS the BM has pulled and/or put you through, but I think you're being pretty hard on the child given her age and the thought that her father is now playing 'daddy' to a child who is just a year younger. That's a pretty big bit for a 4yr old to chew. has the little girl said and done things wrong? Yeah, likely so, but it was your husband's job as parent to teach kid appropriate behavior while visiting. Instead the 'solution' was to just have Dh stop seeing his daughter. Now that Dad is regretting that decision, you appear to be pulling the 'pick her or me' card. Not cool.

I understand what you are

I understand what you are saying but I am doing everything I can to not be in the picture, with my daughters whenever skid is around. I do not want them to have a relationship, I don't trust the things that bm says to her or what she could potentially tell her to say or do to my daughters. I feel as though, through no fault of their own these (soon to be) 2 girls will be exposed to negativity because of bm and skid and I don't think that's fair to them, it's not their fault husband left bm and started another family. My daughter should not have to tolerate any negativity because of their broken family-

I'm not trying to be hurtful.

I'm not trying to be hurtful. However, you're a bio mom. You're not with dds dad. Some woman may well feel the same feelings towards dd that you feel to sd.

Seriously, at 4, wth has sd done to merit your feelings towards her?

My dd doesn't see her bio,

My dd doesn't see her bio, after an altercation my husband makes it very uncomfortable for everyone if bio dad's name is even mentioned.

Apart from what I have already mentioned she just reminds me of the headache and hassle that is his past life, the reason we can not set up for our future because bm won't sign financial settlements, the reason husband treated DD like a stranger because he was angry he couldn't see his own child because of bm who was angry he moved to be with me, the reason for all of the turmoil and stress in my life which all stems from bm and sd. I understand that May sound mean but I cannot help how I feel and my original post was because I wanted to know if anyone else has felt this way or am I alone?

Any "turmoil" stems from bm,

Any "turmoil" stems from bm, the adult. Not the four year old.

I don't think your feelings are "un-normal" but I do think you need to remember that sd is 4. You do need to seek counseling. And if your dh asks why, tell him you're having a hard time right now and need help in sorting out your emotions.

Your dd needs to see her dad regardless of what your dh says and thinks. If bio dad started the altercation, talk to a lawyer. If dh did, talk to your counselor. You and ex will have to sort a lot of stuff out and handle everything, but dd needs her dad in her life. Unless, of course, he's the violent one.

Thanks everyone for the

Thanks everyone for the advice x

I think I understand your

I think I understand your feelings, however I agree with some others that SD is a victim in her role.
If her dad would indeed just walk away from her and just looks as his new family as the "real thing" are you not scared that in a few years time he may would do the same to you and your common child and restart again with something new?I am sure that BM and him once were close and in love, but sometimes things don't work out, that is life and that can happen also to you and him.
the fact that he wants to have contact with his first child is speaking for him , even if you feel resentful about it.SD is not only BMs child, she is half his.I think it is better to try to accept it instead of hoping it goes away and he is all yours, because it will not happen when you are with a guy who has a child. Please don't take this as judgement- I was until a few month ago with someone with a 8 year old girl, who was like a mini wife and I couldnt stand her.Well, it didn't work out, he and her moved out - I am now with someone lvery lovely without small kids.However this is only my story, I hope you will find ways to work on those emotions. I know it is hard!

Thank you for your kind

Thank you for your kind words. I actually told him tonight that I have had enough. So I am leaving with DD and hopefully moving on with our life without this stress & anxiety over him and his past family.

I'm hearing you. I hear a

I'm hearing you. I hear a Stepsons name. I feel rage. Please read my background if this seems harsh... this happened to me when I was pregnant with my son. I felt like the prodigal previous kids came first. Over me, my epilepsy while pregnant, previous miscarriage of twin girls due to stress and being kicked by his son. Yeah, the worst??? Our son. He came last to anything that dealt with them. I wish I knew what magical dust was sprinkled on their heads when they were born. So our biological son was that important to him... it hurts. Bad.

See I know everyone will

See I know everyone will disagree with me when I say this but I would totally expect a husband/partner to no longer want anything to do with their spiteful child after episodes like that. I don't care what age a kid is since when does a mans decision to move on with someone new and start a family warrant the new woman being treated like that?

There is always the excuse, they are just a child, they are hurt, they are jealous blah blah blah- oh ok then we should just accept that because our partners have broken families & twisted ex partners & children that we might have to tolerate abuse, neglect, even a child kicking you which resulted in a miscarriage? Wtf. That little brat would never have been allowed in my house again and if my partner was willing to forgive that I would tell him to fuck off to where his loyalty lied because it's clearly not with the woman who is suffering because of his mistakes.

I had major issues with my SD

I had major issues with my SD when she was about 4, now we are solid as a rock. There was a lot of stress in my relationship with DH. I have a DS with an ex and DH and he has a fight that I had to phone the police about but I refuse to cut DS2s father out as easy as my life would then be. I can't stand SDs BM and she still tries to cause as much strife as possible, add to that those annoying habits which BM tolerates and I cant and SD can get on my nerves but now SD and I get along amazingly and there is a great amount of mutual love because I sucked it up. I put all the effort I could into focusing on her strong points and being someone she could tolerate too. I encourage her relationship with her dad so she doesn't feel threatened and on any given day let her control my involvement with her. DH and I offer either of us for routine help (brushing hair etc). Kids know when someone doesn't like them but they don't know what to do with that, they don't even realise what it is. You either need to disengage so that she feels nothing from you or send our good vibes but also... Don't underestimate those hormones of yours... god we can be totally insane with pregnancy

Disengage? Is that basically

Disengage? Is that basically when you take no part in anything that involves them? I feel as though that's pretty much what I try to do but DH whinges & tries to force the issue.

I did cut DD bio dad from her life only because he was violent & aggressive towards me & she was caught in the crossfire once- which was enough for me. Her bio dad's family however haven't done the wrong thing by DD and DH expects me to just cut them out also which I think is completely unfair & double standards on his part!

You are here

Need to get this off my chest - No judgement please