totally lost it and accused stepson of ruining my marriage
So after my stepsons continued to ignore the simple request I had to text before just stopping by out of the blue -- I own my own home and they stay with their mother full time -- and the oldest helped himself to things in my cupboard and sulked outside after I told him he should ask before he takes, I had a big fight with my husband. He took their side and said I was rude to his son. I still think I was right in trying to tell the kid that he shouldn't help himself to things that I purchased and that he should ask before he helps himself. This is a situation where I own the home and have been covering the majority of the bills because my husband is struggling financially right now.
So, after I boil over and get madder and madder at my husband for not realizing that his kids intrude on my personal space by not giving a head's up before stopping by and that they should learn not to just help themselves, I texted the oldest who had started everything and said (I'm a bit embarrassed) that he was ruining my marriage. I further texted that I was tired of paying for them and that their mother received child support and I had my own children to take care of.
Damage done. My husband's kids won't come to the house at all now. The youngest told his dad about the first text but not the rest, which subsequently became less hostile but explained why I was so pissed off. I don't know where this is heading, but I still adamantly feel that I should be able to set some rules and boundaries in my own house and that these kids do not get to do whatever they want at my expense, personal and financial.
Has anyone ever lost is completely and done something like this? I feel a bit chagrined for accusing an 18 year old of ruining my marriage, but I really feel like they destroy my relationship with their dad. I should be the mature one, but I am so fed up with the situation.
Both are very dependent and immature. The oldest, at 16, saw nothing wrong with accompanying his father and me on dates when I first met his dad. He FINALLY got his driver's license at 17 1/2 (at my urging), and proceeded to flunk junior year in high school so college at the moment is out of the question. In contrast, I raised my kids to have their own lives and to be independent and self sufficient. I am worried these kids are going to cling to the apron strings forever and that I'm not going to have the patience to wait it out with their dad, who I love dearly.
This is quite a rant, but I hope someone out there can understand what I am talking about....
IMOP I think getting upset
IMOP I think getting upset that an 18 yrold took something out of the cupboard is a bit extreme. I would not have thought a thing about taking something out of the cupboard at my Stepmom's house. That being said I assume there is more going on here and this was just the final straw for you at that moment. Terrible that it has come to this and your DH is focusing on the whole cupboard thing when really there is more going on. Make him aware of the things that are really worrying you. Tell your DH you are afraid you are going to have to go on support these kids for the rest of your life. You didn't expect this and you truly don't know if you can hang in there. Let him chew on that for a moment and see if he can show you some empathy for the position he and his children have put you in. Don't give up on your happiness with your DH. I have been dealing with this crap for over 15 years and I can say it is really now that I am enjoying my marriage.
I'm sure there is a whole lot
I'm sure there is a whole lot more going on, so I'm not going to try to pretend I understand your situation, but I would never make SD feel unwelcome in our house. Where ever her father calls home is her home too, and she is welcome to make herself at home.
Yes, I feel the same way. My
Yes, I feel the same way. My SD is always welcome to our cupboards. There have been times when my husband has been down financially and It never crossed my mind to tell SD it would be rude to take food from our home. Like you said though I am betting there is more going on surely the OP is not upset her SS helped himself to some food. At least I hope not.
Well, obviously you have more
Well, obviously you have more going on then a snack out of the cupboard. I know how you feel about wondering if the steps are going to be around for many years to come - I fear that about ss20 also. But one has to set boundaries and hope DH back you up.
We all have days of over reacting. I once yelled at ss16 that I was only barely able to tolerate him and wished he'd move back to BM. Ya it was bad but I apologized but did say he could act better around the house and help out a bit more, that I don't run a hotel.
I told my DH that when his
I told my DH that when his sons are with their mother the polite thing would be for them to call before dropping by to pick something up (invariably left behind only the day before). He told me this is their home as well. OK, he had a point. I tried to point out that not knowing when people were dropping by or had been in my house was VERY unnerving to me. He 'sorta' understood.... until the night he was VERY busy (in a naked way)and they turned up at the front door. Thank goodness I had the sense to lock the front door! And BM was sitting in the car waiting for them to get 'whatever' was drastically important. He got the idea how intrusive it was.
I think as his sons do not live with you at all then they SHOULD call/text before dropping by. As for going through you cupboards, yes they should ask. After all, they DON'T live there, Their father does.
Same thing happened to my DH!
:jawdrop: Same thing happened to my DH! Yes we have the rule before anyone stops in family or not call first.
Towards the end of my
Towards the end of my marriage (when I finally knew there was no saving it) I didn't even try to be decent anymore. Like you, my SK's did what the hell ever THEY pleased in our home. They showed up with no warning, they never knocked on a frigging door before just walking right in, never ASKED to borrow things, rifled through my fridge and cabinets (taking and eating any damn thing THEY wanted.) Drove me to the brink, I tell ya! Finally, I said whatever I wanted to them. I figure if it was acceptable for them to do whatever they damn well pleased then so could I. You'd be amazed at how quick they learned manners. I should have lost my filter years earlier, lol. I think the problem in households like this, is the huge difference in values. I wasn't raised to invade my parents home as I saw fit. It's sickening that common decency, courtesy, values, integrity, etc. is so horribly lost on the youth of today. And I'm so tired of the lame excuse of 'poor COD's. Gotta baby their poor little egos.' I call bullshit! As a COD myself, all of this crap is simply bad behavior and poor parenting. Period! There probably is more than just this going on... BUT even JUST this, is enough to justify your having a moment of anger and venting out loud. You made your stand, keep the momentum going now.
Sounds like disrespect may
Sounds like disrespect may have been going on for some time, as I don't think this one incident would be enough to set you off. I can understand how regular disrespect can weight down on you. Especially if the skids are not living there, they should notify you that they are coming. Even my adult daughter will call before coming by, and she grew up in this house! It is just common courtesy to make sure you are okay with someone stopping by. Now that SD14 lives with us, DH always calls BM before going over there, even if it is a case that SD14 left something there last visit that she claims to now need desperately.
As for the cupboard, I can also understand. There are things that I will buy specifically for the kids, but anything else, I expect them to check with me before they just take what they want. For example, I try to plan meals for the week, especially since I've had to start the very strict 'grocery store once a week' rule to keep costs down. I hate going to prepare that meal you planned for Thursday, only to find that one of the main components of the meal is now gone because someone ate it without checking. Also, there are things that I buy for myself because I have dietary restrictions that the rest of the family doesn't have...like I'm allergic to wheat. So, I will occasionally buy wheat free cookies so that they are around when I feel like a sweet. These kinds of things are off limits to the kids, as they are often more expensive than the ones that contain wheat. In our house, that is at least one rule that SD14 gets...one side of the pantry is off limit foods, and the other side are things she is allowed to eat. She would probably abuse that rule too, except the stuff on the off limit side...the stuff planned for meals and my special foods...is usually too healthy for her to want anyway.
As I see it, you were tired
As I see it, you were tired of being treated like a door mat. You simply lifted the rug and shook off the dirt.
Respect is a two way street. They want respect and kindness, they have to earn it. it's as simple as that.
I like where you went with
I like where you went with this. At 18, this is far from a kid sneaking a cookie. This is not acceptable and I certainly hope you can stick to your guns and make you DH understand. I agree with the rest of the group, there is a lot going on here, we should know, we are ALL LIVING it right now. Good luck~
He IS 18, but my DH seems to
He IS 18, but my DH seems to think he is 12. And just to clarify, it wasn't a cookie, it was expensive protein powder and creatine (bought by me for my son) that he was actually taking out of the cupboard to take to his mother's house.
There is a lot going on that led up to this, probably because I tried hard to be nice to everyone and finally got to the point where I realized I was just being taken advantage of.
The end result is the boys won't come at all to my house, which I really don't mind except I know it will bother DH. So I tried to talk to him to explain that the adults should be running the show and that his kids would benefit from learning that other people have boundaries and limits. I suggested a schedule when on only those days the kids come and also that they do not stop by without texting me AND getting a response. All DH said was, well they aren't going to come so there's no point. All this does is nullify what I want and then after a week or two they will start coming back and ignore my requests. This is how his kids react to any "parenting" -- just run away to the mother's house and then no one ever reinforces the message. In fact, the 18 year old was doing horribly in school, failing courses, and when DH tried to get him to work and asked me to talk to him, the kid just packed up and moved to his mother's. He is really hurting himself because he is not learning how to deal with the world. If he doesn't want to do something, he just leaves.
So we are at a stalemate and I feel badly that I lost it and told the kid he was ruining my marriage but I just cannot stand it anymore. It was not very nice to say, but he literally creates so much strife between DH and me. He is 18 1/2 and was supposed to have had a summer job the past two summers and he doesn't bother to find one and then just expects his father to pay for everything. He didn't even want his driver's license because he was chauffeured around everywhere by his dad. I am petrified I will be stuck with this kid who wants a perpetual childhood and who will be living in my house doing anything and everything he wants.
If I had a voice in my own house then maybe I wouldn't resent these kids so much, but right now I really hope they will never come back but out of love for DH I know I have to figure a way to tolerate them and get all of them to respect me in my own home and perhaps to lift a finger and unload the dishwasher or take out the trash. Neither of the boys do anything at all. I asked the 18 year old to unload the dishwasher and he told me that he would do it the next week and instead of doing it the next week, DH unloaded it for him. Argggh! It's so obvious to me that DH is creating a lot of the problem by not making this kid do anything but DH is blind.
So selfishly I hope they never darken my door again, but realistically I know I have to find a way to work out a palatable solution. Quite frankly, at this point I don't think I really care what these kids think of me. I know I am a decent person and have a good heart, I just am not their doormat. It's nice to get feedback because sometimes my DH has me feeling horrible about the poor boys, who are not necessarily such sweet little kids. }:)
I sometimes see myself in
I sometimes see myself in your shoes five years from now; stuck living with a free-loading 18-year-old who flunked out of HS and is doing nothing but mooching the money and the life off of me and DW.
I kind of "lost it" it the other day too. I actually started writing about it in my blog but I found myself getting worked up. SS's "preliminary school report" came in the other day. There's no grades listed; just teacher's comments. Over half of them were negative. I just about lost it.
I told SS that he is going to ruin our family if this continues. This wasn't an emotionally spurred outburst, this was the God's honest truth. SS's father is just *itching* to drag us back to court over the CO and he has even stated to us a couple of times that if SS doesn't do well in school, he will file a motion to change custody so that SS's father's home becomes primary so that he has more control over where SS goes to school. This will essentially completely reverse the custody schedule.
Saying that to SS was a bit of a wake-up call. He doesn't like staying at his Dad's for long stretches of time.
I can totally understand what
I can totally understand what you mean about the grades and the consequences not only being theirs but yours as well. SS (the 18 year old one) flunked three courses in his junior year of high school. He has no plans for college, but to my horror he is being allowed to play hockey after he graduates. His father will have to pay for this and this means he will live at home for an extra year instead of going to college at 19 1/2. I don't understand this rationale and why he is being rewarded for not trying. This kid obviously is screwed up and has no direction in life or drive, so why pat him on the back and reward him with a fun year with no responsibility. Furthermore, if money is tight for DH then why is this even a possibility?
I suspect DH doesn't want him to grow up at all, which is horrifying to me.
You hit the nail on the head,
You hit the nail on the head, SM1994: these kids really can do no wrong.
A hungry child is one thing
A hungry child is one thing but these teens can wait. My children as children and adults would not take something to eat (or anything else for that matter) without permission. Two things can use without permission, the sink and the toilet.
Stand the ground you've created especially now that they're adults or almost adult. What if you're walking through the living room in underwear only to find one of them bursting through the front door or sitting in the kitchen eating a snack?
Sorry nobody should think they can stop by without advance notice and assume they can just walk in and raid the cupboard or refer. Worse yet if it was the last cupcake I was looking forward to eating.
Tell Daddy if he wants to bring in a supply of stuff he can put it on a special shelf and tell them to have at it. The bottom line here is your privacy and you're entitled to it. If your husband didn't want the restrictions that having another person in his house puts on his offspring then he should not have married. This is doubly true when his 'roommate' is female and the kids are male.
Stepford Mom - got to say
Stepford Mom - got to say that you state your are covering the majority of the household bills as DH is struggling financially, yet he thinks its acceptable for ss18 to steal expensive food items (protein shakes are NOT cheap) that your son bought you AND he is funding ss18's hockey year?!!
Why then are you accepting the burden of financial responsibility for the house if DH is so skint he is funding a year long sporting holiday for ss? YOU are helping fund this, so WHY are you?
There is a such a thing as enabling, and this sounds like you are going along because you feel you are supporting your DH, who in turn treats you with disrespect, allow his adult child to do the same and he is fittering cash he needs to be putting into the house by giving it for non necessities to his adult son.
You need to figure out how to manage this situation and fast imo. So I if I were you I would sit down with DH and work out his finances, including this sum of money he is using to support ss18, and then I would recalculate the amount of support YOU are providing. So perhaps its time you say you are only paying 50% from now on, seeing as DH now has more money. You do not have to say it horribly, in fact I would urge you to be really nice about it and be positive. "Oh thats great honey, you obviously have more money now, so that means you can start paying 50% of your share..." when he panics/questions you why you think this is so "Oh. Well I figured, that since you are paying for ss18's hockey fees and funding his year off, that your situation has changed." When he admits it has not or turns it round to the "That;s typical, this just shows how much you hate my children...do you not want to support me, you know how much financial trouble I am in...blah, bloody, blah" Then turn it back on him without addressing any BS accusations or manipulation - "Um, so what are you saying? Your finances are no different and you cannot start paying your share of the bills now...if that is the case, then how can you afford these fees? If you can afford them, you can afford to start paying the necessities then - the bills..." then walk away and bloody well stick to this. Time to cut your "help".
Also, I think you need to look at what boundary issues you are experiencing with your skids - e.g. the taking what he wants thing. Well, as ss is 18, DH can see him out of the house if he is unable to keep his sticky fingers to himself. The fact they are not coming to your home does not mean DH will not see them, and actually WHY should YOU be the one who is compromising? Neither your DH nor the skids are. They refuse to follow really simple house rules, if they refuse, then there are consequences. It isn't difficult to work out, that if you steal then you are going to have a problem with that. Do not compromise on this. I have to say I get confused as to a) why the SM feels she needs to capitulate in these circumstances given she is not the one acting unreasonably b) why there is such drama surrounding simple rules c) that there is confusion and horror over the fact that bad behaviour results in negative consequences and rightly so, and actually neither DH not the skids are concerned enough over not coming over that they will amend their behaviours to ensure continued house contact!
Does this make sense to you?
Delilah -- Thanks for your
Delilah -- Thanks for your comment. You are right, I am enabling DH to pay for ss's hockey. It's not fair to me to be shouldering the finances while the spoiled kid doesn't even have a part-time job and now has arranged for a nice year of hockey. Not on my dime. I do need to take a stand.
And you are also right that everyone's reaction to me asking for basic courtesies is unreal. I have been agonizing about all of this, but the bottom line is it's my house and they should be respecting that. Instead of giving me a head's up when they stop by, no one bothered. Why should I give up my privacy to give stepkids 24/7 access to my own home? I think DH needs to readjust his thoughts here and he should be insisting that his kids follow my rules. But if everyone wants to nullify what I've asked and not come over, then fine with me. I tend to capitulate. Why should I compromise? I'm not asking for that much, even.
As far as the hockey and the finances, I think I need to draw the line. These kids are not my financial responsibility and quite frankly DH right now doesn't have the means to allow this kid to play hockey for a year. I can't get over why he would want to reward the kid for not working in school with a fun year? What is this teaching him?
You are right, these kids could change their behavior and make me feel respected and satisfied that what I've asked for matters. It really is something that I shouldn't feel badly about. I am right and I shouldn't back down.
For what it's worth, it's
For what it's worth, it's obvious to anyone who reads this that taking the protein powder was simply the straw that broke the camels back. I do not think you are a bad person.
I have found myself on the verge of saying some pretty blunt stuff, but SKs are only 11 and 13...so I have taken to just excusing myself when I feel that urge to keep it real. Having read your story, though, it doesnt sound like that is going to be a tactic that benefits me long term.
I'm "not a parent", so maybe that's why: but I do not understand why guys like mine will complain till the cows come home about the kids behavior...but refuse to discipline them or make any changes. I certainly do not feel I've been given the authority to, so the behavior continues uncorrected.
Sooo frustrated. Now that
Sooo frustrated. Now that I've drawn the line in the sand, so to speak, DH is now refusing to facilitate any type of resolution. Instead, he has spent the last two weekends at hockey tournaments with both boys, last weekend starting on Thursday night.
Now I feel like every weekend is going to be being left alone while he devotes all his time to his precious boys. Arrgghh. To me it seems like a majorly passive aggressive move where he isn't doing anything to soothe my ruffled feathers and he is perpetuating the rift between his boys and me. I feel so frustrated and am wondering why the hell did I get married if I was going to be left in the lurch every weekend. I feel utterly frustrated and feel like he is trying to stonewall me.
I wish I didn't love this man because it would be very easy to end this relationship. He doesn't explain why it was okay that his kids ignored my request to text first over and over again. And he still insists that they did nothing wrong.
I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels trying to get my point across. He is making me feel like it's all my fault and that his precious boys did nothing wrong. I hate to say it, but even if it was said in spite, his kids are destroying our marriage. But maybe it's a marriage that isn't worth sticking around in because it only seems to work if I give in all the time.
Sorry for the pity party but I feel like giving up on this situation.
Dear so frustrated - You are
Dear so frustrated - You are obviously torn! I have to say I agree with A Hungry Child is One thing - this is a question of a gap between yours and your husband's values. On top of which he is putting his offspring before you. Perhaps a conversation where you talk about your values and what you perceive are his values and how there might be a meeting of the minds? What is concerning is that his values at this point in time seem to point towards his need to put his children before you. If that's the case - it's never going to work and you will always be the person making the compromises. Perhaps its time to remind him why you married each other and how much that's worth fighting for? Maybe you should suggest a mediated discussion with a conflict coach?