So just called... I want to flippin KILL him!
He says to me so I am just typing out an email, I am telling BM that SD has a counselor appointment tomorrow and that we have to pick her up early (tomorrow is his day they have joint custody but he only gets generous access)...
We recently had a CO judgement in court of generous access and he switched jobs so there has been a lot of communication outside of normal. What do I mean by normal... a few months ago SO finally stood his ground and only communicated via email on exchange days. On monday (yes three days ago not an exchange day) SO let BM know the schedule for the 5th time and that he would be picking the kids up tomorrow. NOW he tells me he wants to send this email the day before she is going to send an email to update us the kids. His excuse well if I email her SD can tell her teachers I am coming early. How about YOU call the school tomorrow or today like YOU should being that you are the parent?
Conclusion: I told him how I felt I hate all these excuses to communicate what seems like every couple of days. What was the need we could let her know in response to her email she should send tomorrow or even better let her know SD went in his email on sunday. Really it is up to him I hope he can refrain. This is getting so old... Purely a vent just sick of it and everything seems to piss me off coming out of my first trimester lol... this poor man. I hope I have some sense to my attitude!
I appreciate that he brought
I appreciate that he brought it up before he did it... and he generally does that because its always good to have a second opinion esp with this woman. He is also worried BM is going to fly off the handle and get him in shit because she has primary parenting not to be mixed up with custody they have joint custody... really?... it just seemed like an excuse at that point. You think we are going to land back in court because you took her to a counselor? Stop using the rollover excuses and put your foot down.
Next time SD goes to the bathroom maybe I will bring that up to... lol prolly not the best idea.
May not be the best idea but
May not be the best idea but is one way to address the issue.
I would be flippin mad too.
I would be flippin mad too. Right or wrong that would get under my skin.
I think that is where I sit
I think that is where I sit right now its hard to be rational after having to constantly fight to keep this woman out of our lives for more then 2 days.
Yep you get to a point where
Yep you get to a point where it is hard to rationalize anything when it comes to BM. But hey that is why we are here. You can vent here and "hide" your crazy at home
I think if he's going to
I think if he's going to insist on all the excessive communication, you should just disengage from the whole mess. Let him email her every other day .. if you don't know about it and hear every stupid detail, you won't be so stressed about it. She has space in your lives, head, and relationship because you let her.
If that is the case I dont
If that is the case I dont need to be with a man who NEEDS to communicate with his ex wife. If they need to talk that much they should more then likely figure out their differences and be with each other. I am not someones second choice I dont need to be with someone who feels the need to engage conversation over useless things. He knows this and I think that is why he brings it to me because if he did continue with it I would be out the front door in a heart beat pregnant or not it is just a deal breaker for myself. I realize I will never be first with his kids in the picture but I feel I deserve first from his exwife and what I really deserve is the respect of being with someone who does not have an ongoing relationship with his exwife ie being put before her. There is only so long I will fight with this for sure before I am out the door. Maybe I am old fashioned because I believe your gf/wife should be the only woman no matter the situation or just bull headed. I dont mind if he has friends that are girls... but dont tell me you hate her and then find a reason to talk with her 2 days later. To me that says there is still an attachment right now I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because we are straight out of court and still figuring things out. As long as he has my respect in mind and we work on this together and keep eachothers feelings mind. I also feel that he should be able to come to me for a second opinion and to clear his head we have avoided lots of potential nightmares just by hashing something out before acting on it. I think everyone has deal breakers and that is mine.
Oh no way would I disengage
Oh no way would I disengage from the conversations and just let it go on. You hit the nail on the head when you said you don't need to be with a man who NEEDS to communicate with his ex wife. Isn't that the reason you get divorced you can not communicate with each other so why would they try to now? Our BM recently called to tell my DH how terrible SD is being. He talked to me afterwords about it and I came unglued BM was feeding lies to him. I said the more you talk to that woman the more stupid wears off onto you. If your communication with her had any sort of a good outcome it would be different, but that is not the case. I said I don't care that we have been together for 15 years I swear if I find out you have taken another meaningless gossip call from that B I will divorce you! I know a bit dramatic, but the woman was trying to convince my DH not to get SD on birth control because it is a sin. Yet she knows SD is sexually active.
You're giving him an awful
You're giving him an awful lot of wiggle room on what you consider a deal-breaker.
My DH communicates via text and email with BM more than what is probably the bare minimum .. I have no reason to believe it's because he wants to be with her or is maintaining some sort of relationship with her .. he does it because they have children together and part of him hopes they can become amicable parents without all the conflict and spewing hatred. He's married to me now .. and we have an awesome marriage. I'm not threatened by her constant need to hear from him or to stir up drama. Although, he does a good job at shutting her down and not responding to the blatant BS.
I am giving him wiggle room
I am giving him wiggle room because it needs to be his decision at the end I see no need to control someone to make them what I want them to be. To be fair in general it is her attempts to contact him and he shuts her down. Every once in a while though (I am talking every few months)he does something that turns me the completely wrong way. I guess why I am still around is because it is getting less and less which shows me he is trying and is aware of my feelings and respecting them. Everybody makes mistakes I get that as long as he is working on it and sees the importance behind respecting our relationship we are ok.
^^^^^AMEN to this!! I've been
^^^^^AMEN to this!! I've been fighting for a year for my S/O to set boundaries for BM. He barely agreed last week and it's still more than necessary. I mean, maybe I'm a jerk because I feel that if BM wants to know how FSD's day or week at preschool was she can wait until it's her turn for visitation and ask her. Instead of texting my S/O multiple times during the week AND during dinner time, engaging him in a conversation about what she and FSD did over the weekend and how was her school day. I saw that you said your S/O only communicates with her for custody exchanges. That is EXACTLY what I want my S/O to do. Apparently asking for him to adopt a business like"relationship" with BM isn't clear enough.
You have to find a way to
You have to find a way to make it clear to him that you are done with his communication. I flat out told him I would be sleeping downstairs until he could figure something out. And how much his decisions had hurt me that I was not here to be part of a triangle and definitely not at the bottom of one... I told him I was in a partnership with him not him and his wife, yes your wife because you are still treating her like one. It was harsh but he got the picture right away.
I've told my S/O that he's
I've told my S/O that he's legally divorced from BM but still emotionally married to her. I'm taking a break from him this weekend to spend time with my loved ones because of other issues. I'm in the process of finding another therapist because our last one was making things worse. I can't believe a rational person would say that it's OK for my S/O to give BM rides home from work and all of the other complaints I've posted about. His excuse was because he was dropping FSD off at BM's job and BM doesn't drive so they would have had to walk in a bad neighborhood. I'm like well it's BM's choice to live where she lives so drop FSD off AFTER BM gets home. Is that such a foreign concept?? I don't get it. Why is it so difficult for people to wrap their heads around the fact that they are no longer physically or emotionally responsible for their exes. Even finding a new therapist is going to be a pain because S/O and I live in different cities. We switch off weekends and usually I would schedule appointments for the week that it was my turn to be with him but I want to switch to when it's his turn to be with me (you know 'cause that's fair) and find a therapist in my city. S/O lives with his family so it's REALLY awkward having a heated session and then having to go to his house and hang around his family for three days. I live alone so that's not an issue that he would face if we found one in my city. Of course we can't because the drop of time or day is never the same because BM supposedly doesn't know her work schedule from day to day. So we can't possibly make plans because my S/O refuses to work out an exchange and receive schedule that works for HIM. He also refuses to communicate via email because BM doesn't have an email address or a computer. It's all about what she can and can't do and I'm tired of it. She doesn't give two craps what is convenient for him and has never considered his feelings in any decision she's ever made. Even when they were married. I DON'T understand why my S/O feels the need to do this when he knows he won't get the same courtesy. He HAS asked her to keep it business like so I can't gripe anymore about that and I'm trying to be thankful for him doing that much but any other issues on this topic I'm going to wait until I procure another therapist.
reposted for some reason
reposted for some reason
UPDATE: Since some of you are
UPDATE: Since some of you are struggling with this I thought I would let you know... SO did not send the email he just called the school to let them know. On the plus side last night BM sent him a text... yes a text. I dont know how much clearer SO can be that he will not respond to them. Said are you picking SD up from school. He was fairly annoyed being that he told her on monday what the plan was! So the first thing that was out of my mouth was forward her your original email.... LMAO he did! Of course BM lost her sh%t on him and told him she was just trying to confirm and given his history he hasnt been reliable... BTW SO has never missed a pickup/drop off time and NEVER been late or early. He has however had to change work and therefore change the schedule (she will not bend only only giving him weekends but now he has to work every second one) so that he can pay her what was awarded in court I am guessing this is what she is getting at.
Needless to say I am sure he will have some choice words for her when he sends his email back to her when the kids go back.
He does in general if he
He does in general if he hadnt of confirmed with her she would have arranged to pick up the kids that is the beauty of her primary parenting order. Our CO does not list dates so we are on our way back to court to rectify that. Although I am pretty sure BM was sent a clear picture of SOs unintrest in communication with the simple hit of the forward button.