Would you be upset?
BM moved to TX two months ago. SD4 and SD6 live with DH and me full time for the summer. They move to TX with BM in 10 days, at which time we won’t see them again until Christmas (4 months).
DH is in law enforcement, which requires him to work 2 weeks of nights and then 2 weeks of days. When he is on nights, I happily assume the “parent” responsibilities.. get them to school, pack lunches, cook dinner, baths, etc etc etc .. he picks up all these responsibilities when he’s on days (except cooking dinner).
It seems to work okay for us.
Keep in mind, I have a great relationship with the skids. I love and adore them, and it’s seriously causing major stress/anxiety to have to say goodbye to them for such an extended period of time (my issue, I know). DH seems less concerned.
DH has been on nights for 2 weeks (tomorrow will be his last night before switching back to days). He meets me for lunch 1x a week. Today was that day. He told me, very casually, that one of BM’s friends called and asked if she could take the girls out to dinner one night next week (when he’ll be on days and home with them). He said yes.
Now, this is why I get ticked off. 2 weeks out of 4 when he’s on nights, he has very limited time with them due to work. Not only is this a day that he would normally be home, but they leave for TX the following week and he won’t’ see them for 4 months. It BLOWS MY MIND that he doesn’t want to spend every minute he can with them. He doesn’t understand why I’m pissed.
He thinks by allowing this, he is building bridges in communication and what-not with BM and he thought that’s “what I wanted”. First of all, I merely try to make suggestions to ease the communication between the two of them so that everything isn’t a huge fight. Secondly, what does BM’s friend have to do with communication between BM and DH? And why does BM’s friend getting visitation time with the skids help anything?
We parted ways after lunch on bad terms and I’m still upset. I’m starting to feel like this battle for custody and time isn’t what he wants. Which, if he would admit, I would be okay with. But now I get the feeling he’s fighting just to fight because either I’ve pushed him to think that’s what I want, or because he thinks that’s what he SHOULD do?
He’s obviously pissed at me right now, and I know he’ll cool off, but how do I approach this situation in a way that doesn’t seem confrontational. When I told him, point blank, that if he was okay with having his kids on weekends an summers, then just admit that and we can put this whole fight to bed, he gets instantly defensive as if that’s not what a “real” father would accept.
Ugh .. how do I back off? How do I just not care about what he does or doesn’t do with his kids? I know a lot of you hate your skids and would relish in an extra "free" day away from them, but that's not my situation at all. We have 10 days left, and I'm dreading the end of every one of them 
My issue, is that this
My issue, is that this immediate situation has NOTHING to do with BM. She hasn't "done" anything here. It's her friend that reached out to DH and asked to see them.
But yes, I agree, I do want to have kids. DH had a vasectomy after his youngest was born, so we're saving money for the reversal now.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other poster. I think you REALLY want to be a mom and these aren't your kids. I think it would be best if you had your own where you could dictate/control everything with them.
Your DH is probably scratching his head wondering WHY IN THE HELL you're all pissed off at him. I'm a woman, and I don't get it.
A friend wanted to see the kids. They'll be gone, what, a grand total of a couple of hours? Letting them have dinner with a friend does NOT mean he doesn't want to be a father, or have custody, or...
I'd apologize for getting so upset with him and ruining your special lunch time.
I completely know that I
I completely know that I overreact sometimes .. and I have every intention of apologizing for that
Maybe I'm splitting hairs? It's not DH's friend, not even a mutual friend. It's BM's friend.
She's a friend of the girls,
She's a friend of the girls, though, right?
To the extent she was friends
To the extent she was friends with their mom when she lived here, sure. She doesn't have any kids of her own and to my knowledge, the girls have never spent extended periods of time with her (she's mommy's friend that visits at mommy's house).
I would not be upset, and not
I would not be upset, and not because the skids would be gone, but because it's my DH's decision and they're not my kids. No biggie to me, and I definitely wouldn't have ruined our lunch together over it.
Yeah .. I pretty much feel
Yeah .. I pretty much feel like a giant lump of shit about it now.
Awww. don't feel like that.
Awww. don't feel like that.
Just tell hubs that you overreacted and you're sorry. I'm sure it will be fine. I just picture this guy, meeting his wife for lunch, and tells her that his kids are going to dinner with a friend and then - bammo!- she's all pissed at him, lunch is ruined, and he's totally confused. It's almost like a cartoon strip.
Ah, I love the differences between men and women. I sometimes wonder if being gay would be easier because then we'd at least "get" each other.
Don't beat yourself up over it!
let me put a different
let me put a different persepective: I share custody with my exh. I only see my kids every other week. is it fair to my kids that I don't allow family/friends to see them (especially for a lunch) because i ONLY get them every other week?
Of course i want to spend as much time as possible with them. I had all my "alone" time when they were at their father's, but other people want to see them too, and the kids want to see others.
It is the unfortunate reality of split homes.
I guess there's just more to
I guess there's just more to it that runs through my head.
First, this is BM's friend. DH has met her ONE time.
Second, it was BM's decision to go to TX with the military. The school she's in is voluntary. She has stated over and over that her kids "will be military kids and they will learn to adapt and change with frequent moves". That includes making friends, forming relationships, and then leaving them behind (her words, not mine).
So why, then, are we responsible for giving up DH's custody time because HER friends decide they want to see the kids? Isn't this lost relationship with the skids BM's burden to bear? Besides, the skids NEVER ask about this particular friend of BM's .. let alone any of her family (everyone lives out of state).
And I think the whole thing wouldn't even be such a big deal if we weren't counting down to the day they leave for 4 months (when we see them exactly ZERO days a week) :/
I'm just stressed and feel like crap now