How do you cope?

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I have been with my other half for 7/8 yrs, married for 2. We had only been together for 1 year when the ex-wife says she is moving to Australia with her fella of many years 'to make a better life for herself', but the skids (then 13 girl, 15 boy)didnt want to go they came to live with us. We had to sell our flat (apartment) and buy a 3 bed house within 6 months. The Skids were very bitter at their mother, and we got the back lash. The girl was a complete b*tch and their dad never really dealt with it. Their dad carried on like he was a weekend dad, but it was full time! Eventually the girl went to live back with her mother, after about 2 years. Which was good as I was about to walk. The mother/daughter moved back to the UK without telling the dad! He found out through one of his daughters friends mums! Since moving back his daught has had very little to do with him but has said 'he can go see her but on his own'! He won't do this. She doesn't care about him and has always been about what she could get, regardless of whether we could afford it and 'daddy never said no'. Anyway, the boy is still with us at 22 now, he is lazy, selfish and very arrogant. He works out and is constantly looking at himself in the mirror or windows. He walks around with just his shorts on like he ownw our house. He leaves a mess in the kitchen, he leaves his washing in the machine for several days so it goes smelly and he has to wash it again. I work from home so I see it every day and it's got to the point now that I can't cope, and am on anti-depressants, and his dad still doesn't really deal with anything. The boy will run out of toothpaste, showerwash and just walks into our bathroom and helps himself without asking! If I complain I get told by OH 'I'll talk to him', but he rarely does as his son keeps doing it. There is no respect for either of us. I don't know what to do but am at that point of trying to decide, should I stay or should I go? I love my OH dearly but it's making me ill. His son works and earns a good wage but he will not ask him to move out. His son owes us so much money and we will never get it back. It makes me very sad. my OH and I argued last night, over something silly, and I flicked water in his face, and he said I was being disrespectful! We haven't spoken since! He doesn't understand the depression thing and says stupid things like, your always negeative! The last he text me today was 'what do you want from life?'. Ho hum.......

'what do you want from

'what do you want from life?'

Your lazy asshole son out of my house, that's what.

perfect reply.

The truth and to the point..

The truth and to the point.. He did ask didn't he?? haha }:)

Yup!! I wish it was that

Yup!! I wish it was that easy. My OH knows this is how I feel but it's like a mental block, it's odd. His daughter lives with their mother and is 19 but rarely talks to her father, no reason given. She doesn't like me but I don't care about that, she also has no reason to not like me except I used to try and be an authoritarian as her dad wouldn't. I think my OH is scared if he asked his son to move out, he wouldn't talk to him either. My OH feels like a failure already and is dissapointed with both his kids but I find it amazing he's willing to let our marriage fall than to deal with his own son. Sad.

We did try couples

We did try couples councelling but nothing was changing! I said we can't really afford it so lets stop. No point. Unless my OH is willing to try and be more of a parent nothing will change. I know ultimately it will be me who makes a decision to stay and put up with things in the hope he'll move out next year under his own steam (yeah right!!!) or leave myself, and I so loath to do that but you get pushed into a corner don't you. I know we only have one life.......I took a week out last week and went and stayed with my mum, and that helped. I'm off to see my dad next week so that will be nice too as he lives in a place called Cornwall, which is very pretty.

I would say...cut the cord

I would say...cut the cord and let your son be a man and GROW SOME BALLS!

I agree, but it's not my

I agree, but it's not my decision. If I push my OH and push and he did ask his son to go (which he won't) he'd then blame me and what's the point?! The SS is sadly a product of his upbringing. His parents have ruined him. Sadly, his kids will grow up just the same cos that's all he knows. I hope they give him hell!!

My situation is not as bad as

My situation is not as bad as yours but there are some similarities. I feel for you and it is perfectly reasonable that the whole thing gets you down. You are stuck working from home which probably used to be a good thing whilst your OH is not there dealing with his kidult or whatever they call them these days.

You are on the right track getting some distance for a week or two.

I find every second week when SD17 is here, I have to fend off the feeling of depression and helplessness. It can last into the next week too if she has been particularly using her dad or playing her games. Like you, I am a competent person but find I am impacted by the situation even though I have gotten very good at disengaging and have had successful counselling with DH and we have made progress.

So I feel your frustration and hope I can offer some practical advice. I am an example that getting some balance away from the step and some buy in from the DH can make it more manageable but not perfect! I have given up trying to understand how a parent operates this way. Guilt? Who knows? Can you negotiate something to give you breathing space? It may even cost you money but it might bring back your old self so it is worth it. Part fund him to move out for a while? Could you go to the counsellor and raise there that you would like to change the living arrangements and give some options. Moving with a granny flat if he insists. Deadline for SS to get a job. Deadline for him moving out with you away for agreed periods until he does. Rules and boundaries in the house? At the moment your OH is getting away with the easy option and saying that you are depressed. You are depressed because this big vain lump is in your face 24x7.

At 22, the SS is an adult. He

At 22, the SS is an adult. He needs to move out unless there are extenuating circumstances we don't know about. Ask your DH how long he thinks is a reasonable amount of time a kid should live with their parents. Set an age (or in your case a particular month) that SS needs to leave by. It doesn't matter if DH gets angry at you, you're miserable enough in your current situation that I doubt it can get any worse. My SS16 lives with us and I have stated on multiple times that he leaves at 18, the summer after he graduates hs. This is non-negotiable in our house.

If this were me, I would tell DH that if his son doesn't go get an apartment, I will. Then let the two of them figure it out on their own.

And don't let the SD thing stress you. It is up to her father to mend that gap.

I like how the mom just

I like how the mom just decides to move with her man and leaves her kids behind. What BM does that to two younger teenagers. Everyone is about themselves and it's no wonder the SKs act like that. They get it from their parents. Selfish, rude, and ignorant. The dads always seem to feel bad for these kids and end up taking their side. Never the spouse's. I would move the hell out. Tell him he can have all this BS. Start a better life for yourself. I know its tough because you are married but you could also tell your DH that if he doesn't tell his ADULT 22 year old son to move out, that you are GONE! Why is that adult son living with you still? He has a job. Let him go get his own apartment. These kids today want to live at home till there 30. Ridiculous.

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