"All Those People" would be ME
I generally have a good (or at least not difficult) relationship with DH's kids. Oh, there have been difficult moments with both of them, but in general none of the drama others have.
We've been planning a trip to Skidtown. My DD lives in NearbyTown, and I will see her too. DH and I will go in for the weekend, I will come home, and he will stay on for a few more days with skids. We stay in a hotel, but when I leave he goes to SD's house. This works for us.
Yesterday DH was talking with SS, who said that he and SD want to see DH but it's been very stressful lately and they don't want to be around all those other people. This is code for not Merry and not Merry's D. Which is odd because SS and my DD get along well. (But SD is very jealous of the time DD spends with DH.) DH told me about it, and I asked if that meant we weren't going, or what? Told him I might still go see my DD and if he doesn't go to Skidtown that same weekend, I just wouldn't bother them with more stress about having to actually see me. DH had the good sense to be embarrassed about it.
This is a pattern. When things go well, they like me. When there is stress from any source, they don't. Last time we were together we had a blast. Now I'm "those other people."
DH was going to talk with both skids to see what they really mean by "all those people." Using StepTalk logic (thank you), I told him that his kids didn't get to decide if he can travel with his wife or not. It would be like him telling SD that she can come visit but she can't bring her husband. That painted a pretty clear picture for him and he was embarrassed all over again.
I'm not going to bring it up again for a few days and see what happens.
Good job with your response
Good job with your response to DH!
I'm beginning to get the
I'm beginning to get the teenager side of this from sd13. She has started asking SO if he's coming alone.. she wants to spend time with him alone..but if he says I'm coming she starts making excuses. I am not sure what to do to nip that in the bud bc it actually stresses me less to not have to be dragged to see her when he goes but then I am separating myself in a way. I completely see your point and I'd never ask someone to come and not bring their spouse or partner!!
But then again, I consider myself sane.
Yeah, momagain, I get the
Yeah, momagain, I get the "alone" part too. That's why DH has recently been staying an extra couple of days. He has the time and I don't, so it all works out for everybody. Hell, I don't WANT to be around even DH all the time.
But this -- they don't want "all those other people" even for part of a weekend -- is new. I hate this dance.
LOL, BM, MIL and SIL ALL
LOL, BM, MIL and SIL ALL refer to me as "THIRD PARTIES."
Like when BM says "I don't understand why you always need to discuss things about our arrangements for OUR children with "THIRD PARTIES".
Or when MIL says "Those are yours and BMs kids, you don't need to involve THIRD PARTIES in anything."
THIS third party, is the WIFE and the only 3rd party is the one that is not a part of OUR marriage.
Fucking morons.
I'd be pissed about that "those people" remark. That is just so beyond rude.
There are times I would like
There are times I would like to spend with just my dad. I too am a SD. Reasons being is that while I love and care about my SM and adopted sisters, we just aren't that close (closer to my SM then sisters) and sometimes it can be distracting to the actual visit. Sometimes I just want to spend time with my Dad. I didnt have him around much when I was growing up and he lives 6 hours away and they get to see him every day. Sometimes I do want his undivded attention because he is my dad and I want his advice on things or want to talk to him about things.
However, I would NEVER request that my dad come alone. Especially if I was going to have some 1x1 time with him later. But in general I just would not request it because it's rude and puts my dad in an awkward position.
But from a SDs position I have def. thought about it from time to time. Mainly because of my adopted sisters and not my SM.
Sad though that your skids treat you this way. I think you handled the situation very well.
I agree with SA and Zero-
I agree with SA and Zero- there are times when I just like to see my dad. A few things though- I think most of us on this site know there are times when the SKs want to just see their dad and are respectful of that, so we have no problem choosing to not go along. Second, we would never request that our dads leave behind our SMs.
I know that if I requested my dad leaves SM home, he'd be hurt. So I don't do it to him. But I also know he likes hanging out with me as a person so he has no problem coming on his own, and my SM has no problem choosing to not come. She knows I'm not trashing her to my dad or requesting that she not come.
Oh, I'm not spending any time
Oh, I'm not spending any time picking at wounds on this, that's for sure. I have frequently suggested to DH that he go see his kids when I have a super busy work week ahead (he's retired, I'm not, and I'm way fine with being on my own for a few days). But like StepAside's DH, he doesn't seem to want to do that. Ok, nothing I can do about that, but then don't blame me later.
Stepparents are easy targets. Probably a stepmom caused the extinction of dinosaurs and other natural disasters.
UPDATE: I asked DH if plans
UPDATE:
I asked DH if plans were still on to go to Skidtown the weekend we had agreed upon (my DD and I had arranged work schedules to accommodate). Oh, no, he tells me. He told SD he'd go a different weekend because she wanted him to go to a particular event with her.
Uhm, DH, did you think you might mention that to me? And since when do you make travel plans (much less CHANGE OUR PLANS) without discussing with me first? And I evidently was not invited? I was livid. So I told him his kids manipulated him to get their way, to change the agreed upon date and to have me excluded. I asked if he got to the bottom of what SS meant by "all those people." He said he "forgot."
Oh, I am going to go to Nearby Town and see my DD anyway. Requires massive transportation planning now, but I'm going to do it.
You're right, and I really
You're right, and I really appreciate this reminder about perspective. I don't think I'm really mad at the skids--I don't even dislike them. DH has allowed himself to be manipulated and expects me to just go along with whatever other people decide. Not going to happen.
I need to spend energy on something else. Like finding something fun to do while he's gone.