Intro and background, advice welcome
Hi all, I've been lurking here for a short while and been having a awesome time reading your posts and advice.
Some background...I'm in my late 40's, have a 14 year old son diagnosed with high functioning autism (pretty much the same thing as Asperger's, in fact I think the new DSM 5 says they ARE the same thing). My partner recently moved into my house, we've been dating almost 3 years, living together about 8 months. He has a 7 year old daughter from his previous marriage. He is the main care provider for his child as I am for mine, so we have the children here together most of the time.
The issues: Partner and his daughter were living with his folks for 2 years after his ex left him. His parents aren't horrible for the most part, but I've basically ended up avoiding them as much as possible. There have been several past incidents of them making snarky rude comments to me and/or my son...partly for his behavior (which I admit can be very abrasive and awkward at times, typical Aspie teenage kid), partly because they can't seem to get used to the fact that my SO and I were going to move in together.
They seemed very easy going and friendly when we first started dating, I think mainly because they hate his ex so much they felt I was insurance for him not to get re-involved with her if she decided to reel him back in. But as time as gone on and SO and I started making plans to move in together they became increasingly abrasive towards both to me and my son. There have been instances of family get-togethers they've had with my SO where DS and I were not invited, invitations to my house for dinner where they agreed to come then cancelled at the last minute with flimsey excuses leaving me to deal with wasted expense and effort (they didn't even bother to call me to tell me, they called my partner to cancel, no apology to me at all even tho it was before he moved in and was an invitation by ME to MY house), instances of his mother making snarky comments about not getting to have any more grandchildren (due to my age, he's several years younger), times when they've outright ignored me when we show up for get-togethers, etc etc.
His parents shower my SD with attention and gifts to the point that I'm worried it's going to create a huge problem for us to deal with eventually. She's a good kid for the most part but she's catered to by so many different factions in her family that she's already getting a princess complex and this really worries me, both for her and for my son. And OK, yeah, for ME who has to put up with her air of entitlement all of the time. What we have in the picture is the mostly neglectful birth mother who palms her off any chance she gets but showers her with expensive and inappropriate gifts (latest I-phone for a 6 yr old?!?), maternal grandparents and aunt who spoil her and tell her she's a princess, SO parents spoiling her, and my SO...all competing to buy her love and affections. I'm worried about this situation both for SD and for my son. My son has no living grandparents, his father is loving but going through financial difficulties, so there's no opportunity for him to get some love and attention except from me, and personally I don't want to react by spoiling him too just to keep up. Still I really worry about what it's going to do to him seeing this step sibling offered so many presents and vacation trips, ski school for a week, swim lessons, dance lessons, a new PONYYY!! renting a camper to take her on a weeks trip across country (SO's parents)a room stuffed to the roof with toys and geezus the list goes on, it's pissing me off just thinking about all of it!! And these things are all discussed right in front of me and my DS like we're not even there with no regard for his or my feelings.
I've tried to explain to my SO that how he raises his child is his choice, but I don't want my son exposed to being treated without compassion, or me being treated with disrespect. I've opted out of seeing his family (as much as humanly possible, only on Christmas would suit me fine!) Now he's upset and has been saying I need to give them another chance. This really irked me, I've given them 2 years of chances and all it's done is gotten worse.
And after the initial 'honeymoon phase' when they first moved in with me (lasted about 3 months)things have gotten pretty ugly at home. SD ignores me for the most part, has made rude comments about me in front of my co-workers (including a senior manager) and to other people, tells people her daddy did things for her that *I* did...sigh...I read the Disengaging essay recently and though it's either give that a go or I'm bloody well leaving this mess. The only reason I've stayed is SO is the kindest person I've ever been with and I love him dearly. Even his fumbling attempts to be a good dad are sweet and well intentioned. He's a bit harsh on my own son but for the most part they have learned to maintain a respectful distance from each other, and that seems to suit us all fine.
Suggestions would be VERY helpful! I've loved reading the support people have gotten here, I hope I can get some of the same...plus some ideas to help keep my sanity!
I hear you on the topic of
I hear you on the topic of partner's parents. A similar thing happened to me - my DH's mother hated NPD BM so much that she would have loved any other woman DH took home, so I was initially welcomed into her bosom!! However, she has an obnoxious husband (DH's step father) who is rude and has a drink problem, and this caused me to stop going to visit them for a few years. I have recently said I WILL go back, I think I have made my point.
It is a shame about your partner's daughter getting spoiled so much - this is not going to help her turn into a nice person - and you could try putting it that way to your SO - ie that an entitled princess is not going to end up with many friends. This has happened with my SDs 18 and 16 - they are not tremendously popular girls. I would suggest him setting some limits to gifts etc from his family - a pony for a 6 year old is a bit ridiculous, unless you are filthy rich. The two children, now you are living together, should have parity in terms of presents and holidays.
8 months is still early days for your relationship in terms of making the adjustments that living together requires. I would give it a bit longer, and try and stay on the same page with regard to discipline issues with both children, albeit you have to take into account your son's autism.
Eh, I had a pony as a child.
Eh, I had a pony as a child. There was nothing spoilt or "filthy rich" about it. My grandparents lived in the country on a farm. The pony lived in the back stables where grandpa's horse lived with the milk cows in the front barn...anyway....
You do have a problem with the SO's parents. For their own selfish reasons they find you 'too old' and unacceptable material for their son. They want more grandchild and you're not the lady who will give them additional. On that part, SO needs to sit his parents down and make clear to them that you are the woman he has chosen. Not for any future children, but because you are the woman you are and he loves you. If they can't play nice and include SO's chosen family in on invitations to their home and treat Meh/her son civil while visiting, they risk being cut out of partaking in SO's life.
You can't do much about presents others choose to gift the daughter with. Bottomline, you can't control other people. SO might be able to limit the amount of presents in his home (meaning letting grandparents ect keep some of the presents and treats at their house for when child visits and limiting the amount of things SO buys the child himself) but if he goes trying to control what BM and her family buy the child you'll get 'crazy BM' on your back. If he tells his parents to cut it back, well, you think they resent you now, just wait.
As far as things like dance lessons and swim classes. Those items aren't that out of line and many of those activities are a common part of childhood. Grandparents taking a child on a week's vacation with them isn't a 'bad' thing one would consider over spoiled children either. The problem though is your son does not get those things. Perhaps that is something you can do something about. Is there a camp that your son can attend where you qualify for grant/scholarship? Can you do something special for your son, say on times when SO's daughter is not around (it'd be cheaper for two or three than for four). Even a movie or a weekend event just something your son and you can share.
It's not the daughter's or SO's fault that your son was born to parents with different money circumstances or that daughter has extra people in her life that your son does not. I think at some point it's up to you as his mother to assure the son does not feel inferior always being 'left out' or having 'less'. If your son sees his mother working and trying as hard as she can to provide, and showing child with her actions and words how much she loves him, that's really all a mom can do. Not every kid is going to 'have it all' (meaning tons of materialistic junk or a storybook childhood), but the teen has you and he has his father, both who work hard and love him. That's more than anything any money can buy.
My bs15 is an aspie teen too
My bs15 is an aspie teen too and boy can we have interesting times. Talk about nasty behavior though, if your in laws are acting like that it seems they have the disability, not your son. I also have an older bd who is severely disabled and she does not go to very many family functions, my inlaws have not even met her but she lives in a home for disabled. My bs15 stays in his room when company comes over, only coming out for meals. He hates company. In laws can be challenging, I just had my MIL and her sister over for this past weekend. I was polite but there are things about her that grate on me, but DH loves her and she always means well. Right now I am just trying to get bs to get a summer English course done so he is caught up for school this fall. Blah, he had a terrible Eng teacher last year who did not understand him. He is not IEP or 504 qualifying so he would slip through the proverbial cracks if I did not advocate constantly for him. PM me is you'd like.
Sterling, yeah it's
Sterling, yeah it's interesting raising a aspie...equal amounts frustration and pride for me here. He's smart and wants to do the right things very badly, it can be painful watching him stumble socially and say the wrong things; after social events he often comes up to me and asks if he did ok. It really worries him that he's done the wrong things.
As for the pony, trips, gifts and lessons, twoviewpoints, we had horses and all those things when I was a kid too, but in moderation and not to buy our love. The real issue the way the "We're going to get you a pony!!!" is addressed that worries me, along with the entirety of other superdooperwonderful presents and outings my son and I are pointedly not included in and constantly have rubbed in our faces when we see SO's parents. Example: our last get together was last month for SO's birthday. His parents expressed to him that they wanted to have a get together...I waited to hear something from them and of course no call came (they have NEVER called me, not once, they always call him). SO had asked me to book a specific restaurant about two weeks before the big day so I did. Finally I broke down and called his mom to let her in on the details and she was EXTREMELY rude to me, but at least I managed to get in the details of the place I'd booked and told her what I'd bought him so there wouldn't be any duplications of gifts. She ended up crying on the phone that she had planned to get him the same thing... so I offered to take mine back and let them get him one or that he would probably be happy with two (it was a bonsai tree, a new hobby of his)but she said no they'd think of something else. I asked them over to our house after dinner to have cake and open presents and breathed a huge sigh of relief after getting off the phone, didn't tell SO how rude his mom had been as I didn't want to add stress to his birthday. On the day of the party they showed up and TOTALLY ignored me, walked right past me without greeting me (til I wickedly said Oh wait we didn't even get to say hi properly and hugged them both lol) They continued to ignore me and DS through the entire night and spent it all talking about the NEW PONY!!!! they are getting SD 7, the planned trip in the CAMPER ACROSS COUNTRY!!!! and the dance, swim etc lessons they were involved in arranging for SD. They then asked SO to come to their farm the next weekend to help with some chores. I think he was finally picking up what was going on at this point and said well gee don't you think Meh and her son could come help? Dead awkward silence from both of his folks. This continued through the evening and I'll tell you I was ready to yank his mom baldheaded by the end of the night.
Now add to all of this the fact that I made the mistake of taking on a lot of the child care duties of SD when they moved in and the fact that after the first three months honeymoon phase I've put up with an increasing amount of rejection and rudeness from her. This is a kid who now refuses to acknowledge me on a daily basis when I greet her or speak to her...walks right past me without looking and goes to daddy, has repeatedly told people daddy fixes her hair, made her birthday cake, fixes her lunch etc etc when *I* did them, speaks rudely to me etc. I have never taken on any discipline duties with her but did take on the majority of her care, so I know the issue isn't that I've generated a reason for her to act like this. After reading a bit about being a stepmom I realized that part of the problem is that she may be picking up the attitudes of BM and her family and SO's parents. Plus there is definitely a loyalty bind going on there, with her own mom doing very little for her (doesn't show up to half of the planned visitation, we keep hearing that SD has been spending most of her visits with BM's family and not seeing her mom) but SD makes a point of saying how wonderful her mom is. It's a sad situation for her but hey, I'm doing my best to make life better and if she's not willing to even acknowledge that why should I do it?
I've tried to explain to SO how I feel, why I think disengaging is the only answer until I feel I'm getting some positive response back from his daughter and parents,and he is hurt and upset, like I should be making MORE effort instead of less. But I'm not interested in being anyone's martyr, I'm willing to put in effort and patience but I'm not willing to be a slave in a futile situation . If he can't deal with it and show me some support the relationship isn't going anywhere, the end.
And yes I could do more for my son to make up for his not being included, but it's funny, he's going through this phase (not sure its a teenage thing or an aspie thing) where he's horrified to be seen in public with his mommy. We have a good relationship but at the moment going out to the movies with him is my dream! Lol it's kinda cute but frustrating too...at least he'll do those things with his dad