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I like kids. But I hate my GF's kid and I feel so terrible.

hi_tom's picture

I'm reaching my 2 year anniversary with my partner. We are supposed to sign a new lease, but I am having serious doubts about living together and moving forward with our relationship.

In the beginning, it started out great. She is in her early 30s and her daughter is now 9. She has her daughter most of the week and then she goes to her dad's house on the weekends. I took things slow - I'd spend a few days a week for dinner with them. I babysat from time to time. 

I was excited when we signed a lease together last year, but then we went on our first "family" trip together and I saw the situation for what it was. To preface, I don't have kids of my own, but I like kids, have worked with kids, and have cared for many of my younger relatives. I'm good with kids. Kids like me. 

Okay...I feel really terrible saying this, but I hate her kid. I have great empathy for WHY she's that way, but she is a terror to be around. She is extremely needy. While on our trip, she'd often wedge herself between us, she'd dominate the conversation, she'd interrupt if my partner and I were in conversation, she needed constant attention. She has a lot of anxiety and attention-seeking behavior, so my partner spent SO much time that trip on those tasks, it was very unenjoyable. My partner also had a really difficult time being both a parent and partner (coupled with the fact that the kid took up so much space) that it was a very unenjoyable trip for me. 

I didn't pay attention to the red flags (plus, I couldn't get out of the signed lease), so we moved in together. Oh my god. Living with the kid a nightmare and I see now how unhealthy and codependent they are on each other. She's of the mindset that she's her kid's best friend, but that has equated to poor boundaries. When I'm not home, the kid sleeps in our bed (to which I told my partner, that it isn't a good precedent to set, because it'll make the kid wish I'm not there so she can sleep there). The kid is sometimes polite to me, a lot of times she's pretty dismissive and sometimes she's been rude. She's at that age where she's trying to triangulate the three of us where she'll want to "rat me out" to my partner over small things. My partner also feeds into this pattern with their inside jokes (the daughter made a snarky remark to me the other day and said sarcastically "have a good time working!", which I know comes from my partner complaining to her that I work a lot) and the questions she asks the daughter about my behavior (what time did I leave the house). The daughter also has been caught lying to manipulate the situation and sometimes lying for sympathy (she made up a whole story about being bullied that apparently never happened). 

The kid is 9 years old, but does not seem to shower every day and has issues with basic hygiene. In the first five months of living together, I had to remind her constantly to flush the toilet. She is better about that now, but we still have issues with her leaving her crap all over the place, both in her room and in common areas. I find myself being the one reminding the kid to pick up after herself (like literally will leave food trash on the floor) and I've talked to my partner about it numerous times, and only now does my partner seem to be SLOOOOOWLY trying to be stricter in those areas of hygiene and being considerate. 

At the moment, we have the kid Sun-Thurs. Which means, a few days of "adult time." During the week, my partner barely looks at me. She's fully focused on her daughter.  She won't close our bedroom door at night because she's worried about her daughter waking up (which means, no adult time). 

My partner seems to think my unhappiness in the household is just me. I don't think I am an unreasonable partner. I do work a lot (so there is a lot of room for independence and for her to spend time with her daughter on their own), so I don't think I ask a lot in terms of a time commitment, but I often feel like I'm just waiting for my partner to be a partner. Even after the kid goes to bed, my partner is still in mom-mode and I have to listen to all the stories about the kid from the day with little in return.  

My fear is that this is going to get WORSE as the daughter gets older, especially when she becomes a teenager. I am not someone who wants to throw in the towel prematurely and certainly I want to be accountable for my own difficulties in adjusting to this new parental-adjacent role, but their dynamic feels excessively unhealthy with no real room for a three-dimensional person with their own needs. 

How do you know when to throw in the towel? And how bad is this kid? 

 

hereiam's picture

Didn't even have to read it all, if you are having serious doubts about signing a new lease, don't do it. If you are having serious doubts about the relationship, it might be time to end it.

Hating your partner's kid is never good for a relationship and rarely works out, as resentment festers on both sides (she knows you hate her kid).

Loving her, your partner, is not enough, as she doesn't come into the relationship alone.

You should only feel terrible if you keep pretending that this is all going to work out, when you know deep down that it won't.

 

SteppedOut's picture

Agree. 

End this dying relationship before your girlfriend ends up pregnant. 

hi_tom's picture

Thank you so much for responding. I feel conflicted because I do love my partner a lot, but I don't think her daughter's behavior will get better and, in fact, will get worse in time. As it is now, her behavior has caused strain between my partner and I. I guess I'm just worried about throwing in the towel too soon, you know? I know a lot of it is not the daughter's fault per se, but...I don't know, yeah.

hereiam's picture

No, a lot of it is not the daughter's fault, it is your GF's fault.

You can think of it as throwing in the towel too soon, or wasting more time on what you already know is an intolerable situation, that will most likely not get better. Your choice.

hi_tom's picture

Yes, I agree. My apologies, I don't think it's the daughter's fault. I'm sorry if that was unclear. My trail off was that I know it's not her fault and separately I don't like the daughter's behavior. It is 100% the GF's fault and I know this - just wanted to clarify.

NoThanks's picture

Run! This won't get better. It would be one thing if your gf acknowledged there was a problem and wanted to fix it. But your gf is the problem and it doesn't sound like she's interested in changing. Investing more time won't change a thing. I was in a similar relationship, saw the red flags and thought things would improve with time. They didn't. Move on and be with someone that either doesn't have kids or knows how to parent. 

Rags's picture

A failed parent will rarely make a quality equity life partner. No need to feel bad about your feelings regarding the kid, just end it. Don't sign the new lease.

This type of enmeshed parent/kid relationship far more often than not will never improve. Not even after the kid reaches adulthood.

9 is not even that bad.  The truly drama filled years are on the horizon.

Harry's picture

Never gets better,  Only gets worst as kid get older and makes more adult decisions.  Like you sleep in the spair room to have the girls bedroom.  Dump 

Ruby77's picture

I can't give advice because I am in the same situation with my boyfriend and his 9 year old son. His son is a spoiled, entitled brat who still throws tantrums. It is entirely poor parenting as kids will put boundaries and limits and will keep pushing as long as they are allowed. If your gf allows this stuff to happen, it will always continue. I'm at a crossroads as well and it is horrible....but I think saving your sanity is the most important thing! Without that, you have nothing...

Doublehelix's picture

lol...so many things echo my household - from poor hygiene (SD8 actually recently asked her dad if he wanted her to brush her teeth in the morning. Want to? Like it's optional??) to not closing our bedroom door at night (this is not 7-11, we are not open 24hrs) to the constant interruptions and asking pointless questions just to feel like she has something worth saying (this may just be children that age in general though). 

your gf doesn't have to feel the same way as you, but is she against changing some things for your sake?

Mad_Sharp's picture

I think if your Partner can't heir you or see this then it's time to walk away nicely. Maybe after have lunch with them and tell them how unhealthy this is lol. They need to be made aware of this toxic mother daughter relationship.

Jbmbass4774's picture

I hate the 13year old love the gf but....The real problem with me is I can not drive have a seizure disorder epilepsy that I can't control. I live on $1093.00 wish I could find a roommate or someone that understands my situation. I don't want pity... I want to move out of the issues/situation I put myself into. I am on medication from the doctors kaiser, family is a no go, California suck for finding home for disabled white 36 year olds... any ideas?