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i need advice...bad

msdavidk's picture

Submitted by msdavidk on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 7:40am

Forums: 
Blended Family Issues

I dont know what to do. I am 27, and have been married 3 years. I have a five year old from a previous relationship. My son never really got to know his bio father, as he commited suicide when my son was almost a year old.

When i met my husband, i laid out the law. That it was a package deal. All was good until about a year ago, when my husband started treating my son bad. Saying he is a monster or that he hates him. Always throwing my ex up in the air, when i tell him he is mean to my child. That my son is small and acts up. That he goes too far when it comes to discipline.

My husband continues to give me ultimatums on how its him or my son. I tell him it is my duty as a mother to protect my child before anything else.

I need advise on what to do, before it gets out of hand. I love both my son and my husband. But dont know what to do to either fix this or move on. :jawdrop:

realitycheckmom's picture

Submitted by realitycheckmom on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 7:52am

I think you already know what to do. If your husband cannot make peace with your previous relationship and is hard or mean to your son to the point he is asking you to choose then you need to choose.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 7:53am

I don't have enough information from your post to tell what's really going on. If you could give some examples of your husband's behavior towards your son that you consider to be excessive then you might get better responses. If you could describe your son's behavior and our husband's response in more detail that may help.

But if you husband is saying your son is a monster and he hates him, well, maybe your husband needs to leave. Sounds like he may just not be good with small kids, or perhaps your son has some issues that are too much to handle, maybe he's ADD, who knows, I don't have enough info to see what's really going on. Obviously you have to choose your son over your husband, you can't leave your son, even if your son behaves badly, or if he's just behaving like a normal young child.

Sounds like you're husband has reached his limit. Sorry this is happening.

msdavidk's picture

Submitted by msdavidk on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 8:18am

Yesterday, for example...my son was playing with his toy story figures and bumped the wall where my husband had a poster pertaining to xbox. (the xbox is a big part if not all of his time).. My husband got up and started screaming. Punched the wall. And when i simply told him it was an accident..he ripped it off the wall saying how much he hates my son. That if i stood up for my son anymore id get slapped.. There was no reasoning with him over his precious xbox poster..

Last week i was out mowing the grass and noticed a limb had fallen on his mustang and cracked the windshield. When he came out to look at it..he didnt seem to care. Until my son came out. Then he freaked out and threw a half full can of monster at him. ..so i took the offensive and jumped his case on how he was not to ever do things like that..that it was a limb that broke the window...not my son..

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 8:27am

Ok, that changes everything. If This is the regular crap your H is pulling, he needs to go. He is abusive. Abusive to your son and abusive to you.

Punching walls is Not acceptable. Throwing things at a 5 year old is not acceptable. Threatening to hit you Ever is beyond not acceptable.

Ultimatum from him?!? Hell, why are you still there?? This will only get worse until this guy is physically attacking you. Sounds like he's already ok with trying to get physical with your son. Leave or kick your H out. You and your child should not be exposed to this horrendous treatment.

I know you love him and all, but this is a completely unsafe situation for you and especially your very young kid.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 8:53am

Why are you still with this jerk??

You have to protect your child. I can't believe a grown ass man threw a can at a child. Do you have any brothers, male cousins...someone needs to kick his ass.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 9:47am

Okay, that clears it up. Agree with the other posters. You need to plan your exit strategy now. I would be careful, however, about doing anything drastic immediately, because your husband is angry and violent, and I don't want him to harm you or your son once he realizes it's over between you two.

Definitely talk to a battered woman's shelter about how to plan a safe exit, whether it be your husband leaving or you and your son leaving. Angry controlling husbands don't take kindly to being left, they usually want to be the ones to dictate the terms of any relationship or separation. So just be careful and talk to some experts on what to do before taking action.

Unless of course your husband get's really out of control and you have no choice but to get out of the house, then you'll just have to escape.

Do whatever you have to to protect your son and yourself.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 8:21am

Agree with Onefoot. Not enough info about how your son is behaving or how your husband is.

Your child is 5, there's no choice here if H is making ultimatums. You must protect and provide for your young child. What does H's ultimatum consist of? Your son going to live with grandma? That's not reasonable.

That being said, you may need to examine your parenting realistically. Are you addressing behavior issues effectively? Or are you allowing guilt to soften you towards your child because his father is gone and allowing the kid to misbehave without consequences?

If you think your H's discipline is going too far, you need to stop it. You need to keep your child safe, physically and emotionally.

Without more info, not really much more advice to give.

msdavidk's picture

Submitted by msdavidk on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 8:56am

My son is a good kid..he doesnt have behavior problems that arent typical of a five year old..he was diagnosed with type 1 juveNile diebetes and asthma last summer. And is in and out of the childrens hospital. Idk if my spouse is jealous of all of the attention my son has to have..or what his deal is.. I tell him that i will not allow this to go on and the problem gets worse...i dont know if my H being an only child has something to do with it. I do discipline my son. He gets things taken away time outs..things of that nature for misbehaving.. Right now my son is playing with his legos while my H plays xbox. If he walks through the living room..my H will throw a sh*# fit.

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 9:05am

No, being an only child doesn't have anything to do with this. Being a bully, having anger management issues and generally not being a very good person would have more to do with it.

If you need advice on how to get out of this situation,contact a local woman's shelter or one of the domestic violence hotlines. They will be able to put you in contact with resources meant to help women get out of these situations. They can give advice on what to do legally or who to get that advice from.

I think you need to go find a lawyer and get this guy served with divorce papers and an RO. Get him away from your kid.

You telling him you won't allow this to go on means nothing to this guy. He will keep escalating until he lands both of you in the hospital.

msdavidk's picture

Submitted by msdavidk on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 8:59am

I told him yesterday to either stop this or pack his things and move out..that i am done with this. Im assuming that Im going to have to pack for him.

justbreathe26's picture

Submitted by justbreathe26 on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 9:44am

Oh my, i feel so bad for you and what you are going through, but I believe with every bone in my body that you need to leave. There is no excuse for EVER throwing something at a 5 y/o i don't care what he has done. And i'm sure that if that is what you are posting on here, there are probably other instances that he has done worse. You and your child are being abused and need to get out as soon as you can and as safely as possible.

Peaches's picture

Submitted by Peaches on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 9:45am

:jawdrop: I don't think I could ever love someone for who they are if they told me I would get slapped for standing up for my child. He's 5 and he needs his mommy more than your DH needs a wife.

Yosemite's picture

Submitted by Yosemite on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 11:22am

Holy shit! No this is not okay, you need to leave there immediately. How you have allowed yourself to rationalize this is beyond me. Once I saw someone throw something at my child I'd have launched myself at them without a second thought. And if I got my ass kicked, then I'd wait till he went to sleep and hit him in the head with something hard enough to make sure he didn't wake up until I had evened the score. I would be long gone by the time that wake up happened.
However, I freely admit that might land me in jail.
So since you didn't react that way, it's probably best for you to just get out of the situation before it gets back to that point. You deserve better and your son definitely deserves better. There's nothing you can say or do, or make your son say or do that is going to improve this situation. It's a lost cause. Sorry.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Sun, 07/14/2013 - 11:58am

This man would be bad news even if your child did not exist. It has nothing to do with the child.