I married a widower with 2 daughters.
I have a wonderful husband who doesn't have a clue about parenting. His youngest daughter who turns 11 next week scares the living crap out of me. I swear a day will come where she will try to kill me. (I am watching too many TV shows.)
When my husband and I started dating, I knew that he was in way over his head. His wife had died suddenly. His girls were 13 and 9 at the time. It was very traumatic for them all. He would tell me stories of the youngest who would scream all night long and stand still as if frozen. I thought he was exaggerating, but I witnessed it first hand. My BFF had witnessed it as well. I instantly got both girls into therapy. The oldest wouldn't talk at all so the therapist said there was nothing she could do to help. The youngest on the other hand was in therapy and on medication for over a year.
We stopped therapy because things had gotten better, but now 3 months later, SD is acting out by taking scissors and cutting herself but not really cutting herself. They are just small scratches. Now she has cut her hair and the dogs hair. She is acting out at home and at school. She is back in counseling, but I'm at my wits end. My husband (56 years old) has no clue on how to raise kids, discipline kids (I have a 24 year old son) and had let them do whatever they wanted. I eventually put that to an end.
My DH would let the youngest eat a full package of bacon for breakfast, lunch or dinner. He has gotten a little better over the past 2 years, but still not good enough. He is not consistent when it comes to the girls and worries about my every move more than he does there's. We have had many fights about him not taking responsibility for the girls and therefore making me the bad guy who hands out all the discipline.
My oldest SD is wonderful. Don't get me wrong, she has had her problems as well, but very easy going. I fear that one night I am going to wake up and she is standing over me with a knife. That is how scarey she is sometimes. She hates me and has no respect for me or her father.
Any advice??
- wicked-step-mom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I'd be afraid too!! I have
I'd be afraid too!! I have had similar incidences with SD, cutting, throwing things, taking a knife to her twin brother (still got blood marks on kitchen ceiling) and it does not get better, I'm sorry to say. SD's mother is still alive but there does seem to be a genetic link to a personality disorder and the twins both seem to be afflicted. SD is currently in jail, forfieted her bond by not paying the balance, for an assault on her mother...in fact the two of them were arrested! SD may eventually become institutionalized and not be able to cope outside of a prison. She's been going to jail regularly since she was 13 years of age and she's now 18.
Intensive therapy, grief therapy, given that your SD's behaviors really do seem to stem from grief.
Do you know much about her mother? I'd be saying stuff like 'I really wish your mom was here to see how proud you'd make her.' when she does something well. Accentuate the positive things with her and, this is hard, but ignore the negative things. I think that, although there is deep disturbing things going on, I believe that the behaviors are a cry for attention/help. She was very young when her mom died and I think, maybe, she has not grieved properly. Maybe they are both still in denial? Maybe your DH feels that he does not want to burden the girls with stuff because they are still reacting? I'd talk to DH and ask him if he has any clues, have they talked to him about anything, other than it sucks to have to be given consequences!
The only other thing I can suggest is to have a sense of humor when they do something wrong, like 'Ohhh dear!' with a smile, and comment along the lines of 'I bet you do not want to do that again then!' Sometimes a consequence is what happens to them personally as a result of their choices. It would really depend on what they had done wrong, obviously some things do warrant a consequence but for the most part kids are learning and growing and, face it, we all made mistakes as kids. I am NOT turning into a bleeding heart wishy washy liberal here by any means, I detest entitled little brats and parents who do not have the words 'not right now' in their vocabulary.
I am so sorry to hear of your
I am so sorry to hear of your own troubles. Your reality is exactly what I fear. This child truly does scare me. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but there is something. At the beginning I was very understanding and tried to be nurturing to no avail. The harder I tried the farther away she pulled. I completely understood, I did not have a good relationship with the woman who raised me. I wanted to be a better mother. I think I was with my BS. I wanted the same with each SD. I guess I should be happy that I have a great relationship with SD15.
I know it's easy to lose sight of the fact that kids are kids and that we are all imperfect. By the time I have gotten over the prior incident I am hit with another and I have yet to get my own self back to neutral.
As for the BM, technically she was not the BM. They used a surrogate. As for BM though, she was a very shy woman with few friends. From my understanding, she had a terrible relationship with SD15 and she worshiped SD10. BM DID EVERYTHING FOR SD10. I know this was done out of love, but she really hurt this child developmentally. SD10 did not even know how to communicate with me most of the time. Even though she knew how to talk, she would grunt or point and shrug but never used her words. So from the very beginning I started telling her that I did not understand what she was trying to tell me and she had to start using her words. SD10 did not like this at all. So if she was asking for something to eat and would on grunt or point, she would not get anything until she used her words. She is so much better now unless she has her temper tantrums. Then it's most 1 words or pointing.
I try to make it a point to talk with SD10 about her BM. I take both SD's to the cemetery for BM's birthday and holidays. I do not want them to forget their BM nor do I want to replace BM. I just want to be a part of their life. I guess I should be careful for what I wish for, because I am a part of their life, just not a good part.
We saw SD10's therapist tonight. SD10 saw the therapist for a year and then we stopped (mostly because I was tired. I was taking her to the therapist 2 or 3 times a week along with psyche and DH and I were having problems so we were seeing our own therapist. It became too much). I struggled with taking SD10 back to therapist because I was getting the feeling that the relationship wasn't a healthy one. After SD10 stopped seeing the therapist she told me that she wanted to go back because she missed her. Which made me question the fact that shouldn't there be boundaries to where a friendship relationship should not be made? (Does that even make sense?)
Oh well, we will see.
I think I rambled a lot but thank you so much for your reply. It has reminded me that need to remember that kids are kids and that everything they do is not an act of revenge (at least for the most part ha ha).
I hear you. I think I would
I hear you. I think I would be having a chat with SD's therapist, just to follow on with a line of communication and be consistent with the child.
Sometimes you really do have to forget what went before and just focus on being a good person, not a mother, aunt or any other relative. BE YOU...true to yourself.
Kids have a built in sense of someone trying too hard, incidentally, and they will cash in on it BIG time. Everyone is having adjustment issues from what I can gather and therapy is a good way to go...as long as forward progress is made.
I reckon just let everyone be, time really is a good healer. I'd shift your focus back to DH and be his wife, the woman he fell in love with. Remember that woman? It's hard, believe me I know, to set bullshit with kids to the back of your mind but do it long enough each day to connect with DH in a spousal way. EVERYONE needs some kid free time, gradually stretch out that time with him and I believe things will improve on their own.
I wish you well.