Really need advice..Bad situation
Ok so heres the backstory.. my ex and i were married 13 years. He was raised Jehovahs Witness and I was not.. when we got married his family as well as his church disfellowshipped him, (kicked him out).. His mother, sister and 2 rithers no longer had anything to do with him or me.. When we had our kids, ex's mom made her once a year appearance just so she could feel like she was a grandparent to the boys.. they do not know her, if i say her name they ask who is that. we divorced 3 years ago and she has not one time called me or my ex to check on them.. they ceased to exist just the same as the ex and i had. soo heres the problem.. she died yesterday.. the ex is wanting to take them to her funeral.. now keep in mind they have no clue who she was.. none.. my dad passed 2 years ago and we lived right next door to him, they had a VERY close relationship with my dad, saw him every day, and I did not take them to the funeral. I felt it was too much for them to handle.. So now he wantsto take them to his moms funeral and I said I dont think this is a good idea.. He is furios with me, says I am being unreasonable.. He is a great dad to the boys, but I se this as an attempt to "show them off" rather than a real need for them to be involved in what is going on.. What do you all think?? Am I wrong for not wanting them to go.. Am I being unreasonable??He is making life hell right now for me because I am fighting him on this one... Should I stick my ground??
He may want to just show
He may want to just show them off, or he may take comfort with them being there. Was he really close to his mom? I know to this day when something tragic in the family happens, my mom and dad are comforted by her children being around - and we're all middle-aged.
However, I would stand your ground, for their sake. I think it will be very disturbing and overwhelming for them as they don't know her, especially if they are fairly young. How old are they?
He had not spoken to his mom
He had not spoken to his mom in nearly 15 years... They only called him because she was dying.. So I feel like he wants to show them off rather than have them there for comfort.. Its too much for children to try to grasp death and especially when they didnt know the person.. I told him I thought it would be too traumatic especially for our oldest who is 11.. But he insists they should go.. They are 11 and 6.. And they still have a hard time talking about my dad who passed 2 years ago and they were involved with my dad every day of their life..My take on it is why upset these kids with something they arents going to understand anyways..
I would definitely follow
I would definitely follow your gut on this one. It sounds like your boys have had enough heartache - why add to the mix and put them in a situation thats just going to upset them. Eventually, they will have to go to a funeral, it's hard and that's life. But under these circumstances, I don't think it's the best way to introduce them to that setting. I would maybe try to explain it to the ex that way.
Attending would be very confusing and emotional for them. All of the "family" that hasn't seen them in years, not knowing anyone, including the deceased - I think it will be very uncomfortable for them. Then, throw the topic of "death" in there - not good for them.
Thats what I was wondering.
Thats what I was wondering. My parents also sheltered me from every funeral in the family when I was a child. So until this year I had never attended any funeral. It was my ex's grandma. I took my son (13) although he was not close to her. It was good for my ex and for his family. Young people can take a bit of the sting out of a loss. I also think it was good for my son (as bad as it sounds) to attend a funeral of someone he wasnt very close too before he has to attend a funeral of someone he is... if that makes sense.
But If your kids are very young, totally different scenario. I dont think I would have brought him if he was under say, 9ish?
Just a different point of
Just a different point of view here...
My DH's dad (OM=OldMan) left town when he was a baby and was never really involved in his life. However, OM had a BD and SS with his new wife and raised both as his own. When DH began having children of his own, he made sure OM had the opportunity to at least meet his own grandchildren. About a month ago we found out that OM was in the later stages of cancer and did not have much time to live. DH decided to take all 3 of his sons(SS17, BS3 and BS1) to see OM. We knew that OM did not want a funeral, so this would be DH's only chance for closure. I don't know if I agreed with his choice to take the boys to see OM, but I trusted that DH did this for the right reason so I supported him.
Your ex is still your children's father, and my advice is to let him take the kids. If the kids were not close to his mother, then the funeral shouldn't be too traumatic for them. Sometimes a death can bring a family closer together.
If he really wants to take
If he really wants to take them, I think he should be allowed to. 6 and 11 is I think old enough. It is traumatic when your first funeral is as an adult, and it sounds like it would mean a lot to EH.
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I attended family funerals
I attended family funerals from the age of 8 on. These were all distant aunts and uncles and no one that I would consider myself close to. I was not in any way traumatized, in fact i believe it taught me valuable lessons about life, death and grief.
I would encourage you to let them go. Your ex probably wants to have family of his own there to draw comfort from because he's no longer close enough with his own family to gain strength from them.
You can't punish her anymore for the horrible way that she treated you, the ex and your boys. She's in God's hands now.
Yes I would think 6 and 11
Yes I would think 6 and 11 are plenty old enough to attend a funeral. Especially if it's someone they aren't particularly close to, like CG says, it teaches life lessons. When perfectson was 6 I knew my own grandmother was very sick and wouldn't last much longer and we talked about it because he was close to her. As it turned out, a friend of mine's grandmother passed away before my own grandmother did. I took perfectson to the visitation (with the ok from my girlfriend of course - she had young children too) and I was able to really talk with perfectson and explain things to him and he could see without either of us being horribly upset over it. A few months later my grandmother did pass away and he was so much better prepared for her passing because of the experience he had already had.
And I also agree with the poster above that says children can be very comforting during times of loss too.
would you let them go to my
would you let them go to my funeral...no, and your ex would agree with you, because you dont know me.
he just cant see that they shouldnt go to his moms because he is emotionally involved.
explain it to him like that, just because she is "grandma" does not mean they should go.. funerals are hard on kids, hell they are hard on me..you are right here, I dont think you should let your kids go, why put them thru a funeral for someone they didnt even know, someone who didnt see them as good enough to be a part of their lives, why should they be forced to be a part of her death.. know what I mean?