I would suggest a "minimalist" disengaging approach, whereby you do stuff for the SKID that affects YOU, but nothing else. eg once a week, do a sweep of the SKID room with a 2 large bin liners, and put all clothes in one, and all crap in another. Put the clothes in your machine on BOIL wash - and if he/she complains everything has shrunk, reply, calmly - but they were stinking so much because you left them so long, that what else could I do. DO NOT OFFER to replace shrunken clothes.

LEAVE THE LAWN. Let it grow 4 ft high with weeds, if your husband wants it done, he can do it or get SKID to do it.

If you don't already have one, and you can afford it - get a dishwasher. I got my first 7 years ago at the age of 48, and it has improved my life so much. If you put these measures in place, hopefully it might reduce your stress a bit, and your husband might come home more. I hope so.

You are living with two assholes. There's not much you can do to make life better if they are content just being jerk assholes.

I was were you are about a year ago. I have slowly completley disengaged from stepkids. Your not the skids parent so you cant make him do anything; you have to make DHs life hell until he gets on skid to do stuff. We came up withchores in our household. I always do mine and make sure my bio does his. Skids are eow so if the room is clean, I am cool. DH has cleaning the kitchen/floors, I have laundry, and BS10 has bathrooms. If DH doesnt do his chore, then I don't do his laundry. I will do mine and BS. I am actually on the second time doing this. I think DH needs a reminder that he has to pull his weight. I used to always do the yard work. I enjoy garden but it was just too much. I planted in the flower beds and I tend those. If the grass gets knee high, I dont care. DH can get a notice from the city for all I care. Skids are horrible at keeping their room clean. They shove everything under their beds. Every so often I will go and junk it all(if its junk, I use it as an oppurtintuy to junk it, if its valuable I hide it). If they cant take care of it then they dont need it. I told them this up front and they didnt believe me. My BS knows I mean business because I have done the same to him. I dont take care of bathing, feeding, entertaining. Its all on DH. I think your biggest problem is your DH. Set some boundaries, let him know what you will tolerate, and take care of you!

I honestly think you have 2 different problems here.

I'll start with the MINOR of the two...

a) You have a typical 16-year old boy in your house. I have a great teenage BS and let. me. tell. you. AHHHHH!!! I can actually sympathize with all that you have typed. Word. For. Word. Teen boys are lazy little poops until they get a darn good reason to not be. And, for the record, mom isn't the reason.

b) Your husband is not manning up. His son needs a parent and at this age the parent he NEEDS is not a mother. He NEEDS a man.

As a woman this problem surfaces as chores/ household tasks/ responsibilities. But, when it gets right now to it the lack of responsibility (laundry, lawn, blah blah) is a symptom and not the actual problem.

So, what does this mean.

You need to make a list. What are the MINIMUMs that you have to have to survive this stage of parenthood? Now, this list is about what YOU are going to do for YOURSELF and no. one. else. (dogs are included in yourself)

1) The front lawn
2) dog stuff (walking?, poop, feeding, watering)
3) ??

Next create a list of what needs to change.

After you come up with the minimums and changes you let it be known that you will no longer be asking anything of anyone. But, you will no longer be providing anything to anyone. (rides, sex, blah blah blah) We are roommates.

Remember the key here is you are going to present this like a man. Give the facts. Walk away. If Dh wants a discussion, stick with the facts. If he wants change... he'll find a way to make it happen.

When was the last time you had a room mate? I cook for myself. Not my room mates (actually, we used to share dinner chores, but that is neither here nor there). I clean for myself, not for my room mates. I don't DO dishes (honestly, this really is one of my least favorite chores)... I use one dish and one cup and I keep them cleaned myself. When you cook yourself a yummy yummy meal, make sure to make just enough for you and no one else (don't even have leftovers even if you would normally). Do your laundry, and no one else's. Do the things that you have to live with (dog poo, front lawn, yada yada). Make cookies for you and hide them; take them to work the next day. So on and so forth...

Now, more than likely your SS will be able to live with this much much much longer than your DH. At some point he'll break. You have made your point.

I am HUGE on responsibility. I am NOT the only person who lives in this home and YOU are not an invalid. You have chores for yourself, the home, and for the family.

Good luck!

Kate