Did you tell your partner you were going to disengage?
Because of recent drama with SD8 and her Biomom I have no choice really other than to disengage from her completely. She is 8 years old and a complete pathological liar. My DH knows that his daughter always lies and you cannot trust a word that comes from her mouth.
I told him last night that I was backing off and not going to continue to put forth effort in a relationship with her because of her drama causing behavior. He is completely aware of the things she does and is also very upset with it all but of course it is his kid so when I brought it up he gets mad and says it is not fair for her to feel left out from my bio kids.
I cannot in good choice, develop any more of a relationship with her because of her lying so much and playing mom and dad against each other, as it has created a HUGE war. Court dates every few weeks, cop calling, false CPS reporting ...blah blah blah you name it. I feel like the more I back away from this kid the safer my kids and I am. I refuse to get caught up in her drama and am NOT going to have all of that drama involve me or my kids.
I try to explain this to DH but he just gets mad, I feel like my feelings and concerns are not being validated by him. How can he not get it? It is so plain as day!!! All I know is I am not letting myself or my children go down by this 8 year old and her bipolar crazy mother.
My question is, what does your DH say about your disengagement?
Thanks for the advice, Can
Thanks for the advice, Can you give me an example of what you had on the list of things you would and wouldn't do? What was his immediate reaction. My dh is all about having us be a unit "together and not separate" He feels that since his daughter is going through this war with him and his x he is afraid she will feel isolated and left out and that if I loved him I would love his kid as my own. But I don't! I do not love this kid and actually find her to be the root of all problems in our household. Of course I have to take care of her and not be mean to her in any fashion but in my heart I just cannot go that extra mile for her because of the things she does.
That is what I am thinking
That is what I am thinking will work with my DH just based on his personality type. Thank you guys so much!
I'm in the process of
I'm in the process of disengaging too. Partly that's why I posted here - to see if that could be done without the world caving in.
Usually I am up early in the mornings to help get my ss's off to school - I make their lunches the night before which they don't eat and make sure they have fresh things laid out. It all gets taken for granted as they emerge in a zombie-like state after a good 10 hours sleep from their room. Dad fusses around them like they need to be wrapped in cotton wool.
Last two nights I have been up nearly all night with my own 18 month old- therefore my ss's not my priority this morning. DH "had" to do all the morning routine and was not impressed. What?
I've got three lovely kids of my own with him and I am now turning my attention to the children who truly want and need me. Will still be doing food and basic domestics with SS's but as far as anything else goes, it's time for a mental break. I cannot battle what their mother says to them about me (all negative).
So yeah, I didn't say I was going to disengage but I am going to just do it.
Crownthorpe.
Same here Crownthorpe, her
Same here Crownthorpe, her mother feeds her with horrible things about me and her mother doesn't even know me! It is ridiculous! So I am just backing off, I really have no desire to play a part in this child's life but I have to in some fashion. ykwim?
Sorry you are going through
Sorry you are going through this YellowBelly...sounds like you are doing the right thing and yes, the hard part is explaining it to your skid's father
When I disengaged from sd's I was angry and fed up at the time and did tell dh that was what I was doing. He was so angry about everything at the time he actually threatened divorce. When he realized it WAS a hill I would die on he backed off and allowed me to save my sanity
Strangely, not only did we get along a lot better after I disengaged from sd's but dh himself began to disengage from osd himself. He is also a lot less stressed
The nicest bonus is ysd realized what she had lost with me and actually changed her behavior. We are now so close and she is just a great sd
Osd is still full of drama and manipulative games but even she has modified her behaviour enough to behave at least with tolerance and even a little courtesy however false
How you do it I think depends a lot on your situation...hopefully with you not stressed with sd your dh and you will also benefit
I agree it's how you approach
I agree it's how you approach it. I looked at what SD's NEEDS were that weren't being met. I told DH that I thought SD was resenting me more and more. I told him that I thought that she felt like she had to compete with me for his attention and that I thought the best thing would be for her to more one-on-one time with him. Both of us lived with our parents, saving money, in the months before we got married. Added to that, the lack of stability with BM and all the "extras" that took BM's time - her school, her friends, her social life, her boytoys, ect. SD was just starved for attention. For about 2 months, DS and I would be gone most weekends leaving DH to tend to SD alone. Sometimes that's the easiest way to disengage, is not to be present.