I have an Adult Child living in my home - Don't let this happen to you!!
I just learned the term Adult Child and realize that this is a perfect description of my stepson.
My SS is 23 years old and lives in our basement. He works full time for his cousin, and makes a decent wage for a 23 year old. After one year of working, we told him he would start having to pay rent of $350. We were hoping that this would help teach him how to pay rent an eventually move out. Well, here we sit still waiting three years later.
I know there are others out there that have it worse, where adult skids can't even hold a job. But I still can't help but feel held hostage in my home. He lives in a nice home, his food prepared, and he has his own large private space. I don't mind providing some things since he pays rent, but honestly, I'd rather not have the rent money and have him move out.
He has huge entitlement issues and always has a sarcastic reply to whatever his father says to him (he rarely tries that sh#t with me). He comes and goes and he pleases and treats my home like and bed and breakfast. He spends most of his money on his car and partying/drinking. His entitlement/attitude is so bad that almost all of his friends have dropped him. He is not pleasant to be with - as he doesn't seem to comprehend how extremely sarcastic he is most of the time. With me, he is more awkward than anything - he won't bond with me. He spends most of his time alone in the basement.
In my opinion, both DH and BM have done a poor job of raising this man-child. They did everything for him and gave him everything his heart desired up to his late teens. SS23 never leaned to do anything for himself. At 23 years old, he wants Dad to make his dentist appointments, take him for a haircut and order his chinese takeout for him (SS23 is so socially awkward that he can't even call for take out food!!). he does almost nothing around the house and only cleans his room and bathroom when nagged for weeks.
I'm at a loss. DH agrees with me that SS23 should move out, but when DH talked to SS23 about this a month ago (he was going to raise SS's rent), SS23 started with an attitude, and then when his father wouldn't put up with it, SS23 got upset, cried and says he has no friends and wants to kill himself.
Now DH thinks SS23 should see a thrapist (duh-something I have said for 4 years). But of course, SS23 is resistant to it and his father has done nothing to make him go. As much as I think his suicide threat was just to get his dad off his back - it's hard for us to take that risk. Now his father is paralized with fear and doesn't know what to do. And I am too - what if I'm wrong and God forbid I throw him out and he actually harms himself!
I don't know if there's much help for my situation, since we are both worried about SS23 right now (I just needed to vent here). But I wanted to warn all of you about what happens with over-permissive parenting and not giving your kids the skills that they need to grow up and get through life. You will end up with an entitled Adult Child sucking the life out of you for the rest of your existence!!
He is playing you guys...Just
He is playing you guys...Just put him out. If he has no money, start saving what he has paid in rent and put a down payment on an apt for him. But, get him out or he will never grow up.
You need to stop making it so
You need to stop making it so comfortable for him.
Stop cooking meals for him.
Does he get cable in the basement? Cut it off.
Do you do his laundry for him? Stop doing it.
Do ya'll pay for his car/insurance, cell phone? Stop paying it.
Enforce a curfew. Install a chain lock and if he's not in by 10pm, lock the door with the chain lock so he can't get in.
You're all right. I started
You're all right.
I started making him do his own laundry 2 years ago. Works for the most part, although he will leave clothes in the dryer for days.....!!!!!
The horse has left the barn when it comes to curfew - I don't believe that boy has had a curfew since he was 16 (and has the grades to prove it). I know it's wrong, but I've spoken to therapists in the past that say that it would be impossible to bring back that restriction after so many years.
I think that I will start with not making his meals. There's food in the fridge, man-child, you figure it out }:) . At least on this point I figure I won't get too much pushback from DH.
I do agree that his suicide threat is bogus, but right or wrong, I feel that I have to let the dust settle a bit before I do anything. If I tell DH that I want SS23 out ASAP, I fear that might might be the end of us, because to DH, it will appear that I am uncaring regarding SS23's "cries for help"
If he leaves clothes in the
If he leaves clothes in the dryer, take them out and dump them on his bed.
I hope you can get your DH to understand he's only enabling his son, but I agree it's probably best to let the dust settle a bit first before you stop doing these things.
Love this idea, or better
Love this idea, or better yet, consider the clothes as abandoned and throw them away if he doesnt get them out with in say, 24 hours. If he pulled that at a laundrymat the clothes would be long gone.
And, I agree, let the dust settle so you dont come off as insensitive (we all know that your not but others dont always understand). Then stick to your guns. Good luck!
That was going to be my
That was going to be my suggestion start with refusing to cook, clean or do his laundry.
Why doesn't he have a small frig and a microwave downstairs?
I would start making the steps for him to get out even if I had to "help" him find his own apartment.
As far as making friends start checking out community events and encouraging him to go and maybe volunteer at the local hospital, clinic, salvation army, humane society, etc.
Yep, the attitude didn't work
Yep, the attitude didn't work so he went for the heart strings. He's playing your DH like a harp.
Sit down with your DH and work out a plan and a date of departure. If he's getting rent, utilities, food, and laundry facilities for $350 a month, he'll never willingly leave.
Living with someone else's adult kid is not part of the marriage vow. It's time to insist on an end to living with him even if it means telling your DH that you will have to leave if SS doesn't.
That's what I had to do and it worked.
He's got a good job, lot of
He's got a good job, lot of money and no responsibilities other than rent and with the good job he can afford to pay more rent if needed.
Gee lets go kill myself and end all that.
He's not going to and woman even if there was some sort of possibility of it happening your husband owes it to the boy to call him on it. You two will be held hostage to this until the day both of you die if you don't.
As of today you quit cooking and cleaning and as of the end of the month he has his own place. YOU tell him that if he isn't out you're leaving and letting Daddy do the cooking and cleaning. If he isn't out YOU move to a Suite 6 where they have long term temporary living rooms available at a reasonable cost.
As of today you quit cooking
As of today you quit cooking and cleaning and as of the end of the month he has his own place. YOU tell him that if he isn't out you're leaving and letting Daddy do the cooking and cleaning. If he isn't out YOU move to a Suite 6 where they have long term temporary living rooms available at a reasonable cost.
^^^^^ That!
Thanks for everyone's input.
Thanks for everyone's input. Just so you know, I am relaxing in my bedroom watching a movie and about to enjoy a hot bath. DH is making my dinner and SS23 is going to have to figure it out for himself. DH and I have even talked about going away for the weekend...........at least it's a start!
I guess I have a different
I guess I have a different take. Has he threatened suicide in the past? Is he someone prone to lie about this type of thing?
He may feel depressed and afraid to head out into the world. Especially if he is afraid of calling for take out (social anxiety?). It sounds like his dad should be gently nudging him out of the nest.
I would take threats of suicide seriously, esp if he's not usually dramatic (men don't seem to do this as much). My sister threatened for years and finally did kill herself, it was devastating.
I've read that men talk less about suicide but are more likely to successfully kill themselves.
I hope he gets the counseling he needs.
We spoke to SS23 last night
We spoke to SS23 last night about going to therapy - he agreed that he should go but said he had not yet got a reference from his health care provider through work. We expressed to him that this needed to be done in the next 5 business days. He now understands that this is part of our 'deal'. We will see how that goes.
SS23 made his own dinner last night (basic as it was), but although he was supposed to go grocery shopping last night and get food for the rest of the week, he fell asleep playing video games instead.....he's going to have a hungry day today }:) .
I don't think he has threatened suicide before - in my opinion it's a manipulative tactic. I do believe that SS23 has social anxiety, and is depressed. As upset as I am with him, I also feel sad for him as he leads an empty life for a 23 year old. He seems to be waiting for life to come to him, rather than going out and experiencing things for himself. As I said before, this is a clear case of poor parenting. Even his father agrees that he and BM should have taught SS23 to do things for himself when he was growing up. Sad.