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Why Try?

Redsonya's picture

I just can't get over how little BM is expected to do by the world in general - it has really been bothering me this week since court on Monday. Why the hell did I ever put myself through grad school, bust my behind at a career for the past 16 years, put off having children until my 30's, and take care of my credit?

BM sat on her ass for 16 years and now works part time for the school district. She got knocked up at 19, by DH (who she had known for two months), and then took in her nephew and had baby 2 before 30. Never went to college, never worked full time. However, she does have:

1. Medical coverage for herself and her kids through Medical (DH is self employed and BM didn't want to pay for half of the medical insurance her job offers - with DH paying the other half - much easier to suck off the public's teat).

2. A three bedroom home that she was able to refinance under our country's home modification programs so that now she has a 2% fixed loan for 30 years, completely got rid of a $50,000 equity loan that was on it, and has a $600 a month payment. She wasn't underwater on the house - it was the equity loan and the fact that she is lazy and makes $1400 a month that qualified her for the modification.

3. Although she works the school's schedule and has summers off, a month at Christmas, and all holidays, plus works part time, the judge doesn't think she needs to be doing anything else to support herself and so is requiring DH to continue paying her spousal support.

4. She eats for free with food stamps, gets utility assistance, and enters holiday "sponsorships" for Christmas gifts for the kids.

So all in all - her lifestyle isn't anywhere near what ours is, but she does own a home with a better interest rate than me (even with my perfect credit), has a newer SUV, is abundantly provided for, and no one, not even family court sees anything wrong with this scenario. Really discouraging.

Sootica's picture

OMG!!!You are living my life!Yip I too went to uni did the right thing-no kids before tying the knot & now have no bios & am contending with spunk bucket BM who got knocked up at 20 never married DH & for the last 10 years sat on her ass whilst working less than 16 hours a week (so she could claim child benefit here in the UK) whilst not contributing 1 penny to ss upbringing ......but hey she's the "mommy" & I am just the dumb ass who is living a nightmare existence every day of my life!

Redsonya's picture

Exactly! She acts like all of this is normal and expected because she is a "mom". Umm me too - I have a 4 year old and I still manage to work full time and commute to work every day. She won't commute out of her town and won't work a full day because it "would not be in the kids best interest". This is the 15 year old nephew and SS13. They don't need a full time nanny. Of course when she wants to go 80 miles away to visit her boyfriend (what is that man thinking?!), she will commute.

Redsonya's picture

They aren't biased towards me, I can tell you that much, and I have a 4 year old at home. I am a mom too. The child support liason lady looked at ME like I was pond scum because I refused to provide my income information. I flat told her that I am not responsible to support BM and SS13 and that CA law does not require me to. Oh - but that wouldn't be in the child's (SS13's) best interest. Really? Well neither is a lazy, skanky slut of a mother who won't get off her ass to make a better life for him, but you guys don't seem to worry about that.

oldone's picture

It was the courts but the skanky BM who thought I should take care of crotch dropping #2.

I was prudent - used BC, got multiple degrees, worked at jobs whether I liked them or not, etc etc.

I did not engage in ONSs with no BC. Shit I was not going to take a financial hit for her spoiled spawn.

notagain2012's picture

Oh..... Your post pulls out the political part of me....

Your situation is one of many, and it gets harder to see where working harder and getting an education is even worth it! But stay strong and feel better knowing that you are doing for you and your family and not depending on the govt. And I for one, take pride in knowing that I can say that, and knowing that I don't depend on handouts.

And the courts are infuriating when it comes to BMs. They always say what's in the nest interest of the kids, but its really hard to see that when BM doesn't work, and won't teach work ethic and responsibility. Does drugs, and makes it look like fun....etc.

Anon2009's picture

I know this is kinda ot but I thought you and dh were getting divorced?

You will probably disagree with my saying this, but dh has to share some blame in this too- he got into bed with bm after knowing her for 2 months, decided to marry her, and have another child with her. What were his feelings during their marriage about her not working?

Bm is definitely a bad parent and stupid person but unfortunately stupidity is not against the law Sad

Cocoa's picture

i use to think that people like this would eventually get what they deserve (reap what you sow), but with the politcal flavoring of things, i'm not so sure anymore. the world is changing and i think what you are seeing with your bm is becoming all too common. i think actual work eithics and incentives are being eroded. ladies, we have a very big hill that is turning into a mountain that we are going to have to climb in the name of our children. hold your head high and keep doing what your doing

Redsonya's picture

This is nonsense Cheri - I am a mother, run a home, AND work full time. My daughter is 4 - her kids are teenagers who she doesn't do much for anyway. She absolutely sat on her ass for 16 years. His family has told me that DH would work 40 to 60 hours a week, then come home and clean (BM is FILTHY and her house still is) and watch the kids so she could go to her "soroptimists club" aka drinking with her friends. Stupid of DH - absolutely. I don't know why he put up with it, but that doesn't change the facts.

When she wanted to go to school to be an "actress" (that lasted a few months) or go back to get her AA, DH supported her and watched the kids for her. He absolutely didn't stand in her way of an education and they have been divorced for almost four years. What's holding her back now? Absolutely nothing - except drinking, partying, and sleeping with any nasty guy that breathes in her direction.

She is NOT entitled to support - she divorced DH and she needs to put her big girl panties on and support herself. My point is that taxpayers and ex husbands are not responsible for these women's choices in life. They are not minors. Hell yes I am angry that she has a 2% loan and just dismissed $50,000 in debt using government programs. I carefully watched my credit for years, saved up a downpayment, and bought my house. I was thrilled to get a 4.25% loan and haven't taken out any equity.

I don't know why you would be on assistance during college - I was on my own through college too and supported myself and paid my fees with student loans and a full time job. Sometimes I was literally so tired, that I would fall asleep in the school parking lot after class, wake up, clean up, and go to work. But I did it and didn't ask anyone else to take care of me. I guess you and I just have different views on public assistance - I think it should be used for the mentally ill, blind, disabled, and children. Not to support laziness.

Redsonya's picture

My comment about assistance wasn't directed towards Cheri - I stated that I didn't know why she was on assistance in college. It was a general statement about my opinon on assistance in general - that it should be used to help those who can't help themselves. If Cheri doesn't see a problem with the person that I was talking about (our BM) on assistance then she and I have a very different view on the issue. Thats all I said.

Redsonya's picture

I am not spitting mad - I am irritated because we had to deal with her in court on Monday and she tried to pull a fast one and get my income info counted for her support (spousal and CS). DH absolutely should support his child and he has gone above and beyond doing that. But she feels so entitled because she is a "mom" and is so smug about it, I want to slap her. No I can't do anything about the fact that she sucks off the system and I don't spend most of my time thinking about it. I am venting.

christinen's picture

I get upset when I see all the things BM gets for free too. She was never married to my DH so she doesn’t get any kind of spousal support BUT she does get free health insurance for herself and her 3 kids (all by different men- only 1 is DH’s kid), free food, free college, free daycare, subsidized housing and utilities, you name it she has it. This girl is 25 I believe. She has never worked full time a day in her life. Never went to college. I don’t know that she did much of anything other than opening her legs, yet she is rewarded for her poor choices. Meanwhile, I made the right choices (my choice to marry into this mess may be questionable, but I went to college, then grad school, started a career, have no babies yet because I was responsible- sounds a lot like you) and yet I have to bust my ass for every single thing I have. Yes, we can be proud of ourselves and what we have and they can’t be because they didn’t earn it but it is still incredibly frustrating to see them living the life while leeching off of us.

love_my_shichi's picture

It's sick and I know how you feel. My SO will be in bankruptcy for the next three years to pay off BM's credit card debt. She walked away from the marriage with 80k in cash and a paid for SUV and gets 2k a month.

She was a stay at home mom the whole time. He is an attorney....who now has jack shit of nothing. Except the house that he bought her out of which is now under water.

love_my_shichi's picture

Meanwhile she has perfect credit and zero credit card debt....unless she racked up more since the divorce. He totally set her up and financially ruined himself in the process in the name of "his kids".

Redsonya's picture

Exactly - DH will also be in bankruptcy this year because BM saddled him with credit card debt and taxes (which she claims she doesn't owe on because they were his "business taxkes" - nope they were joint income taxes that SHE prepared and submitted).

Luckily I wrote up an agreement that BM had to sign to get DH to quit claim the house to her so she could get it modified. It states that she has to refinance it in her name only in 4 years when SS13 turns 18 and if she can't DH has first rights to refinance in his name. She won't be able to refinance - she destroyed her credit by not paying the mortgage for more than a year. But DH will - with my help. I am really looking forward to the day that I get to personally toss her out on the street.

Gabriels Mom's picture

Okay I DO understand what you are saying. Our lawyer said right now BM can't get CS because our household incomes (Hers and ours) is roughly the same but if I get a job after I graduate making 2-3 times what I make now our HOUSEHOLD income will go up and DH could be required to pay CS. My response was "Let me get this straight, I'm busting my @ss to finish this degree, running myself ragged, working, going to school and taking care of my family so I can take better care of my family. I graduate and get a kick @ss job and you're telling me the court will think that this c*nt is entitled to part of my household's income? FUCK THAT!" Tell her dumb @ss to get an education and provide for her own damn family. Granted that's IF she finds out but if we buy extras she'll probably find out because SS will brag because he's a kid and that's what they do...

On the other hand... you let her take up that much space in your head and you are letting her beat're better than that...

Gabriels Mom's picture

It's something about equal lifestyles in both homes. Let's say I make 120,000.00 a year (I wish Biggrin )and DH only made 30,000.00 per year, we had a mortgage of 1000.00 (I'm just using even numbers, we did a 70/30 split. They would say since DH only pays 300.00 towards our mortgage the extra income should go to BM to make sure SS has a similar lifestyle at his moms. In VA you cannot ask for receipts for what CS is spent on...she would NEVER spend CS on SS. Please she made him use his christmas money to buy his own shoes. She would spend it on herself.

They take into account both incomes, rent/mortgage and utilities and other children in each home to determine CS.

It makes me livid. I told DH if she tries it we WILL fight it. She is not going to benefit from my hard work.

Redsonya's picture

Thats what the court (and BM) was trying to do on Monday and one of the reasons I was so pissed. I refuse to give them my information though. In CA (we had a lawyer at one point who told us this), new spouse income cannot be counted towards support. However, the court will still try to get the info from you and then use that to push the calculations up. Double check in your state if you have a similar law and then just write "new spouse income" into any paperwork that asks for your income info.

Gabriels Mom's picture

OOOOO I'll have to look into that...because I know as soon as she figures out that I'm making a lot more money she WILL try to take DH to court for CS.

Redsonya's picture

Yes, definately look into it. It would be worth a consultation with a lawyer once you graduate and get a new job. Even if the law states that new spouse income cannot be considered, the courts and child support people will try to use it anyway.

christinen's picture

OMG I would be furious!! That's a bunch of bs! My DH and the BM have joint custody but I can see that happening to us if their custody situation ever changes because I make a lot more money than DH and the BM. Smh. What a bunch of crap.

Disneyfan's picture

Single people aren't the only ones working the system. There are plenty of married folks who pop out baby after baby while collecting WIC, foodstamps, medicaid.....

Gabriels Mom's picture

yep my idiot brother and his pseudo-wife do that...4 kids ages this year 4, 3, 2, 1. They get like 800-900 in food stamps...