Thank you very much for your reply. My partner was driving when I put my arm at the back of his shoulder and SD ripped it off. He did say "hey, no silly business, I'm driving". Straight after this SD put her feet up in between us - to try and put a barrier between my partner and me. He told her off for that and she later repeated it 2 times. When we got to our destination finally (a cafe) she received a milkshake when she asked for one which I don't think she should have because of her behaviour in the car. I was in tears by the time we arrived and said that I would not share the car with SD on the way back so she went in the car with the Grandparents.

I later had to point out to my partner why she did those things - to try and make a statement to her Father 'he's mine, you can't have him' etc. He was completely unaware of this.

The sulk continued all day and she was sarcastic and rude to me. She was then allowed to go to a horseriding lesson on the Saturday which I don't think she should have been. As far as I know, he has not spoken to her about these behaviours. Myself and SD's Grandmother spoke to SD in general about her behaviour towards me but as far as I am aware my partner has not. I said he should talk to her on the plane home which didn't happen and now the children are with the Mother. He says that there will have to be consequences in the future, but he is so soft that I doubt it will happen. He always agrees that her behaviour is terrible but does not seem to be able to 'man up' and do anything about it. The other Grandmother spoke to SD in the beginning and told her "you have to be nice to this one" but of course that hasn't happened!

I am not sure that I can trust my partner to have strong enough boundaries with his daughter. I have a strong personality and he is way too soft so it frustrates me that he won't discipline her when I can see quite clearly that it is needed. It is not my job to discipline his children anyway!!

SIGH....

Oh Cheri,

You are so right, it makes me want to cry. You just wrote everything that my gut feelings have been telling me all along. I don't think a trained Psychologist could have worded it any better. I feel very sad about it but know all you have said to be exactly the case. He is such a NICE man but it a total pushover, even his own Mother and ex Mother in Law (who lives next door!) say the same thing. He just agreed too. It is why his ex wife with borderline personality disorder made an excellent choice as she has and continues to walk all over him.

The whole situation is just too big for me to handle. Yes I want a baby but I have anxiety issues and depression runs in my family so it would have to be the right situation with the right man. I have terrible anxiety symptoms while around SD and cannot relax at all, I feel as if I am walking on eggshells, I lost a lot of sleep, became teary and felt completely exhausted and drained this last visit. I can see no other solution than to leave now, there isn't much point in continuing to see him part time, that will never work in the long term. I don't think that he actually really wants another child anyway, he is a people pleaser and just said ok to please me.

He recognises that his daughter's behaviour is wrong, but I don't think he is capable or strong enough to deal with it. She is insanely jealous and possessive of him and refuses to share him with me. I actually would be concerned for a potential baby's safety with her around. I think "if she acts like this at 11 and 12, then what will the next 5 or 6 years be like? She is terribly immature right now, mixed with a bad attitude and ongoing sulkiness. She had a temper tantrum last year that would have put a 2 year old to shame, it went on for hours. I think she may follow in her Mother's footsteps and end up having BPD.

His daughter is very angry (as am I) about not telling her about me in the beginning. Also he did not inform her that it wad not a permanent arrangement when I 'moved in' for a couple of months while I had a teaching contract as it saved me a 50 minute drive. She thought I had moved in for good and it was a big shock to her - I only just found this out. She complained that he doesn't really talk to her, she doesn't know what's going on and is only informed at the last minute if I am staying over.

My partner is very academic and has a job in the medical profession, but his emotional intelligence is somehow retarded and at 45, I don't see that changing. You are right about personalities also, at 12 - SD's is set and she has had her own way for too long.
In me leaving, she will get exactly what she wants so she will know that she can continue such behaviours with any future relationships her Father tries to have and they will probably leave too if they are in their right mind.

For once in my life I am going to think of myself and stop trying to rescue people! I need to self preserve and leave with my sanity and health intact.

Thank you, thank you wise woman, you have been an absolute gem in confirming my thoughts, I have been making excuses and trying to think of a positive way to deal with all this without ending the relationship but really I cannot continue on, my partner must start taking more responsibility. In many ways he is a lovely Father and I don't think that he purposefully seeks to be so weak with the boundaries, I actually think he doesn't know how, he is incapable of standing up to anyone and his daughter learned that early on, she sees it all the time with how he responds to the BM.

Anyway, I feel a lot of emotions, relief, anger, sadness, disappointment etc. But better to feel this now than in five years time right?

Much love and gratefulness to you Cheri and thanks so much for your time, thoughts and advice.
Kat

By the way, what does IMO mean? Sorry for my ignorance!

Well Amber, seeing it all written in such black and white terms is hard to see but very true. I simply cannot trust him to make the changes necessary for any possible future, I am not willing to be in constant competition with my BF's daughter. She is running his life just like his ex did (and continues to do) and you are right, he doesn't know how to stand up to his own daughter, or anyone else for that matter.

He is very good at listening and agreeing with me whenever I point out his daughters behaviour towards me and says that things need to change, that she needs to have 'consequences'. Well, this has been happening for a year now and I see no end in sight, I sadly believe it is too little too late to try fixing the situation now. Actions speak louder than words and there has been no action. At 12 SD hates me and that isn't going to change, no matter what I try and do.

I do love my partner so much, I wish he didn't have kids and a crazy ex wife. But I can't change the fact he has so much baggage and will continue to be weighed down until his children leave home, at least another 8 years away. I'm a patient person but that's waaay to long, even for me.

Thanks for sharing and providing honest advice - I really appreciate it.

Dear Coconut
Thank you very much for your thoughts and advice. The trouble is my BF is a 'YES' man, I have had many conversations and emails with him about his lack of boundaries with his daughter, he always agrees that her rude behaviour is unacceptable and that something needs to be done. And then...NOTHING. In fact, I was just reading an email from last April where he said exactly that and he said it again recently but really, actions speak louder than words and I feel like he is just not capable of actually being assertive with his own daughter (or anyone else for that matter) even if he wants to.

I have thought about printing out what I wrote (edited as you suggest) with all the responses but I think it would be too little, too late. I have been harping on about the fact that his daughter is not the lady of the house, she does not get to dictate who her Father sees etc etc for a year now, from the time I first met Miss 12.

The fact that his son has good manners doesn't mean that there aren't issues there, it just means that I have been able to use strong boundaries with him (which he desperately needed) and he responded well. He wasn't even eating any vegetables until I came onto the scene and put my foot down - he always eats them now when I am around but when I am not it reverts back to 'normal'. I have made an effort with him and he has responded positively. But I have seen him have tantrums and been very disrespectful to his Father and of course was not disciplined for that.

Anyway, I am seeing the red flags very clearly now, especially after reading everyone else's comments - it has confirmed what I have been thinking and feeling for some time but I think I have been trying to make excuses for my bf but seriously - he needs to start taking responsibility and I don't feel that he really respects himself or me as he is letting his daughter break us apart. If he really felt as strongly as I do then he would have stepped up to the plate and done something about it before now.

I have invited him here tomorrow evening, he doesn't have the children and I am going to break the news. It's going to be so hard as I do love him but I have to learn to love myself and for once and going to choose self preservation over my usual trying to fix and rescue others.

Wish me luck Coconut. I'm glad your partner say the light, I'd say you are a keeper and deserve to be respected by your partner and SD.