in my case (recently posted my upset)DH's think you're never going to leave them plus skids if you have good ones then no problem, if you have bad ones I guess becasue they see you as more of a threat now your married so act worse?
^^^This! DH and I lived together for almost a year before getting married. As SOON as we announced our engagement, SD went bananas!!! "You can't do this to MOM or ME" she screamed. I sat her down and said "name ONE thing that would change about us getting married, other than my last name will be the same as yours and your dad's?" She couldn't answer...but boy oh boy, that was the beginning of her estrangement from her dad and his entire family!
The expectations now that you are officially the wife crosses into you then must be the mother. Now the skids in the DHs mind (not all of course) are yours and the shift of more responsibility is given to you as the mother just for becoming the wife.
Well... DH and I lived together for 5 years before we married 3 years ago.
Nothing has changed.
DH's grandfather called me about 2 months after we married. He was such a wise man. And I miss him so much. Anyways, he asked if being married felt any different since we had lived together for so long. I hadn't really thought about it until then. I answered him honestly and said, no... other than I am still tying to get used to signing my new name. That's about the only difference. Grandfather replied "You are a smart woman! The biggest problem people have when they have lived together for a period of time, and then marry... is that they EXPECT things to change and they really just don't". Apparently his 3rd wife (he was wise, but he was still a perverted old man) thought that things would change after they married and it literally destroyed their marriage.
I lived with my DH for 8 years. We will be married 4 years in a few months. I haven't changed my last name yet and am not sure if I will. When I asked him what he thought about that he said I could do whatever I wanted.
Not much has changed with us either. Except now I can call him my husband and he can call me his wife.
It's more formal. It's "official." The Skids haven't changed either so I think it all depends on how solid a foundation there was before the vow exchange.
I lived with my DH a few days a week for about a year, then lived with him full time for six months before we got married.
Some things changed, but I think they are things that occur in all marriages. Prior to that, I could walk out at any time if we fought, and occasionally I did. Now we actually have to *gasp* work through our problems and find a solution together. There's an element of stability and commitment, and peace of mind with it, and the idea that we begin to move forward as one.
I don't regret moving in with him beforehand, since it was like a test drive. Things you never thought you'd find annoying (Me: Why the hell are the cabinets kept open every time you leave the kitchen?!?) grate on your nerves (DH: We must have a ghost in here because the towels keep ending up on the floor!) and you find out what you need to work on and compromise on, and if the two of you can actually function together in a closed space setting. Some people find out after they're married that they can't stand to be together for more than a few days at a time otherwise they get claustrophobic and end up lashing out (we were actually like that for a little while but thankfully we set ground rules and overcame that bump.)
I did have a time limit though, two years was for as long as I was willing to try it out with it either going forward, or nowhere. DH was fine with it going for as long as possible, but he knew my limit, and since he wanted kids with me and not out of wedlock, he stuck to it like glue and we got married a year and a half later.
What is it with the cabinets? Mine does the same thing. How can you leave the cabinets open like that? Drives me nuts. What's worse, he's tall and I'm short, sometimes I'm more at risk of hitting my head on the darned things than he is. But sometimes he gets hit with them too. lol
LOL, I'm short; DH is not, it was the better part of a year before I stopped smacking him in the head with the cabinets that swung straight over my head.
We have lived together almost 2 years so I know all of the annoying things (he NEVER puts the towel back on the handle in the kitchen, ALWAYS leaves it balled up on the counter or table EVERYTIME he uses it!! GRRRR LOL) and I am a strong believer in living together before you tie the knot so you know eactly what you are getting into IMO.
I really don't think too much is going to change and I don't want it to change. WE are still building a strong foundation and a relationship takes effort all the time. I do think SD15 will pull some shit just bc it will be "official" but she's a hotmess anyway- mentally unstable. We have been through alot in the few years we have been together so I really can't see marriage being a dramatic change or him and I- I just don't want to be naive so I wanted your opinions
We lived together for 2 years before we got married, but we wanted to get married earlier. We just couldn't get his ex to sign the divorce papers. She is the one who left him, so I realized early on things were NOT right with her head. She got crazy about walking around in high heeled boots and wanting to see him alone a lot. Needless to say, I was not happy. He was disgusted. So, I agree, it can make the ex go insane. Before we got very far into the relationship, after we moved in together, and we were having issues getting settled in on parenting, I asked him point blank if I was going to be a Stepmother or if I was going to be Dad's wife (or girlfriend, in the event we were unable to get him divorced). He chose Stepmother, and it saved a lot of heartache. Then again, it might've been easier if I was just the wife. Maybe I wouldn't have anything to do with the hard stuff. But I doubt it. I think it'd be worse because I'd have all the responsibility but none of the deciding power. When we did finally get married, the kids took it personally, but in a good way. My SD (12) was all over Facebook posting that she finally had an official Stepmom and she was so happy. My SS (8), who I had the most difficulty with in the beginning, asked shyly if he could call me "mom". He also asked if he got a new aunt because I have a sister and a new grandma because of my mom. I said you do have an extra grandma now. Just seemed more formal, and like it had a lot more meaning. I know it's "just a piece of paper" but it's still got weight.
We became more confident as a couple. SS is excited that his dad and I married. SD now wants me dead and dreams of her birth parents getting back together. They been divorced around ten years now. I don't have any regrets marrying my current husband accept for the fact that we miss being left alone by friends. His friends and my friends became our friends and somebody usually wants to do something. Skids resides with their BM so DH and I have the house to ourselves and we still end up checking into a hotel shutting off our fones and taking alone time. If no one knows where were at, they can't come knocking on the door.
Statistically and across the board, 1st, 2nd, 3rd marriages, if you've shacked up your marriage will more likely end in a divorce by a noticeable margin.
The kids who may be doing well handling a divorce where the parents continue to parent and make the kids their priority go off the track and grade fall, they become unmanageable and may even turn to drugs to self-medicate.
If you two truly want to do what is right for your children you'll remain physically apart until they're out of high school.
Our fights aren't as bad. I guess since there isn't a sense that someone might leave at the end. That's about it. I think it changes more of how we are perceived as a couple to our families and BM than how we actually changed in our relationship. BM can't call me DH's girlfriend..which almost made her as crazy as she got when she found out he had a gf...My mom can't lecture me about living in sin...that's about it.
it becomes permanent. you are then legally each others' next of kin. the first family becomes upset because they know this. it's now dad's WIFE who legally inherits 401Ks, pensions, insurances, etc... it also proves that dad HAS MOVED ON, and there is another person that he values above ALL others. and, unless this is what those vows means to each of you, don't do it.
I don't have to worry about child support he pays her himself and our finances will remain seperate for a while-until I'm comfortable wih his kids and their expenses that I don't want to be a part of!
Marriage has legal implications and severe consequences in the event of a divorce....and that changes just about everything in a relationship of cohabitation IMO.
Just cause you get along living together doesn't mean that a marriage stamp will be easy peasy. I don't believe in just living with your boyfriend to see if a potential marriage will work. There needs to be a formal interview process in place, courses and schooling to outline each and every legal aspect of marriage and divorce, pre-counseling for both parties....
Marriage has way to many 'ball and chain' effects to be taken lightly.
I wont even think about it until Bs and SD are in college (3 and 4 years until then). Too many financial things to consider. Oh idk, he wants to and i dont. Im not gonna. There. I said it. Been there, done that, now a widow. No longer know that im willing enough to compromise the amount necessary for a successful marriage. Nah. I think it changes things and not for the better. At least i believe that would be the case in this relationship. Im engaged and happy to be so forever.
in my case (recently posted
in my case (recently posted my upset)DH's think you're never going to leave them plus skids if you have good ones then no problem, if you have bad ones I guess becasue they see you as more of a threat now your married so act worse?
It's more solid. Not as
It's more solid. Not as much of a chance of turning back. I believe in some cases, it may make stepchildren feel more threatened.
^^^This! DH and I lived
^^^This! DH and I lived together for almost a year before getting married. As SOON as we announced our engagement, SD went bananas!!! "You can't do this to MOM or ME" she screamed. I sat her down and said "name ONE thing that would change about us getting married, other than my last name will be the same as yours and your dad's?" She couldn't answer...but boy oh boy, that was the beginning of her estrangement from her dad and his entire family!
The expectations now that you
The expectations now that you are officially the wife crosses into you then must be the mother. Now the skids in the DHs mind (not all of course) are yours and the shift of more responsibility is given to you as the mother just for becoming the wife.
Well... DH and I lived
Well... DH and I lived together for 5 years before we married 3 years ago.
Nothing has changed.
DH's grandfather called me about 2 months after we married. He was such a wise man. And I miss him so much.
Anyways, he asked if being married felt any different since we had lived together for so long. I hadn't really thought about it until then. I answered him honestly and said, no... other than I am still tying to get used to signing my new name. That's about the only difference. Grandfather replied "You are a smart woman! The biggest problem people have when they have lived together for a period of time, and then marry... is that they EXPECT things to change and they really just don't". Apparently his 3rd wife (he was wise, but he was still a perverted old man) thought that things would change after they married and it literally destroyed their marriage.
Smart man...
I lived with my DH for 8
I lived with my DH for 8 years. We will be married 4 years in a few months. I haven't changed my last name yet and am not sure if I will. When I asked him what he thought about that he said I could do whatever I wanted.
Not much has changed with us either. Except now I can call him my husband and he can call me his wife.
It's more formal. It's "official." The Skids haven't changed either so I think it all depends on how solid a foundation there was before the vow exchange.
I lived with my DH a few days
I lived with my DH a few days a week for about a year, then lived with him full time for six months before we got married.
Some things changed, but I think they are things that occur in all marriages. Prior to that, I could walk out at any time if we fought, and occasionally I did. Now we actually have to *gasp* work through our problems and find a solution together. There's an element of stability and commitment, and peace of mind with it, and the idea that we begin to move forward as one.
I don't regret moving in with him beforehand, since it was like a test drive. Things you never thought you'd find annoying (Me: Why the hell are the cabinets kept open every time you leave the kitchen?!?) grate on your nerves (DH: We must have a ghost in here because the towels keep ending up on the floor!) and you find out what you need to work on and compromise on, and if the two of you can actually function together in a closed space setting. Some people find out after they're married that they can't stand to be together for more than a few days at a time otherwise they get claustrophobic and end up lashing out (we were actually like that for a little while but thankfully we set ground rules and overcame that bump.)
I did have a time limit though, two years was for as long as I was willing to try it out with it either going forward, or nowhere. DH was fine with it going for as long as possible, but he knew my limit, and since he wanted kids with me and not out of wedlock, he stuck to it like glue and we got married a year and a half later.
What is it with the cabinets?
What is it with the cabinets? Mine does the same thing. How can you leave the cabinets open like that? Drives me nuts. What's worse, he's tall and I'm short, sometimes I'm more at risk of hitting my head on the darned things than he is. But sometimes he gets hit with them too. lol
LOL, I'm short; DH is not, it
LOL, I'm short; DH is not, it was the better part of a year before I stopped smacking him in the head with the cabinets that swung straight over my head.
We have lived together almost
We have lived together almost 2 years so I know all of the annoying things (he NEVER puts the towel back on the handle in the kitchen, ALWAYS leaves it balled up on the counter or table EVERYTIME he uses it!! GRRRR LOL) and I am a strong believer in living together before you tie the knot so you know eactly what you are getting into IMO.
I really don't think too much is going to change and I don't want it to change. WE are still building a strong foundation and a relationship takes effort all the time. I do think SD15 will pull some shit just bc it will be "official" but she's a hotmess anyway- mentally unstable. We have been through alot in the few years we have been together so I really can't see marriage being a dramatic change or him and I- I just don't want to be naive so I wanted your opinions
We lived together for 2 years
We lived together for 2 years before we got married, but we wanted to get married earlier. We just couldn't get his ex to sign the divorce papers. She is the one who left him, so I realized early on things were NOT right with her head. She got crazy about walking around in high heeled boots and wanting to see him alone a lot. Needless to say, I was not happy. He was disgusted. So, I agree, it can make the ex go insane. Before we got very far into the relationship, after we moved in together, and we were having issues getting settled in on parenting, I asked him point blank if I was going to be a Stepmother or if I was going to be Dad's wife (or girlfriend, in the event we were unable to get him divorced). He chose Stepmother, and it saved a lot of heartache. Then again, it might've been easier if I was just the wife. Maybe I wouldn't have anything to do with the hard stuff. But I doubt it. I think it'd be worse because I'd have all the responsibility but none of the deciding power. When we did finally get married, the kids took it personally, but in a good way. My SD (12) was all over Facebook posting that she finally had an official Stepmom and she was so happy. My SS (8), who I had the most difficulty with in the beginning, asked shyly if he could call me "mom". He also asked if he got a new aunt because I have a sister and a new grandma because of my mom. I said you do have an extra grandma now. Just seemed more formal, and like it had a lot more meaning. I know it's "just a piece of paper" but it's still got weight.
We lived together for 8 years
We lived together for 8 years before marriage. Just celebrated our 10-year anniversary last year. What changed for us when we got married?
- BM jumped aboard the crazy train express
- My income was figured into CS and other expenses
Can't do much about the first one. To avoid the other, I recommend keeping all finances separate.
We became more confident as a
We became more confident as a couple. SS is excited that his dad and I married. SD now wants me dead and dreams of her birth parents getting back together. They been divorced around ten years now. I don't have any regrets marrying my current husband accept for the fact that we miss being left alone by friends. His friends and my friends became our friends and somebody usually wants to do something. Skids resides with their BM so DH and I have the house to ourselves and we still end up checking into a hotel shutting off our fones and taking alone time. If no one knows where were at, they can't come knocking on the door.
Statistically and across the
Statistically and across the board, 1st, 2nd, 3rd marriages, if you've shacked up your marriage will more likely end in a divorce by a noticeable margin.
The kids who may be doing well handling a divorce where the parents continue to parent and make the kids their priority go off the track and grade fall, they become unmanageable and may even turn to drugs to self-medicate.
If you two truly want to do what is right for your children you'll remain physically apart until they're out of high school.
Our fights aren't as bad. I
Our fights aren't as bad. I guess since there isn't a sense that someone might leave at the end. That's about it. I think it changes more of how we are perceived as a couple to our families and BM than how we actually changed in our relationship. BM can't call me DH's girlfriend..which almost made her as crazy as she got when she found out he had a gf...My mom can't lecture me about living in sin...that's about it.
it becomes permanent. you
it becomes permanent. you are then legally each others' next of kin. the first family becomes upset because they know this. it's now dad's WIFE who legally inherits 401Ks, pensions, insurances, etc... it also proves that dad HAS MOVED ON, and there is another person that he values above ALL others. and, unless this is what those vows means to each of you, don't do it.
I think you are right, it's
I think you are right, it's the permanent factor- skids still think you are just temporary until the wedding
I don't have to worry about
I don't have to worry about child support he pays her himself and our finances will remain seperate for a while-until I'm comfortable wih his kids and their expenses that I don't want to be a part of!
Marriage has legal
Marriage has legal implications and severe consequences in the event of a divorce....and that changes just about everything in a relationship of cohabitation IMO.
Just cause you get along living together doesn't mean that a marriage stamp will be easy peasy. I don't believe in just living with your boyfriend to see if a potential marriage will work. There needs to be a formal interview process in place, courses and schooling to outline each and every legal aspect of marriage and divorce, pre-counseling for both parties....
Marriage has way to many 'ball and chain' effects to be taken lightly.
DH and I lived together for
DH and I lived together for over a year before we got married and nothing has really changed (not saying that's a good thing).
I wont even think about it
I wont even think about it until Bs and SD are in college (3 and 4 years until then). Too many financial things to consider. Oh idk, he wants to and i dont. Im not gonna. There. I said it. Been there, done that, now a widow. No longer know that im willing enough to compromise the amount necessary for a successful marriage. Nah. I think it changes things and not for the better. At least i believe that would be the case in this relationship. Im engaged and happy to be so forever.