Fiance at his breaking point...
First some background information, we have know each other for over 8 years and lived together for over 4 years now and I am the bm to 4 kids and the sm to 1. When we first got together my fiance was recently divorced and unemployed. I supported him emotionally and financially for 2 years while encouraging him to find his dream job which he now has. During the next 2 years our incomes were about equal with us both bringing in money into the home. Come 6 months ago my income dropped drastically so my fiance is the main financial supporter now.
Since that time he has become so very angry, feeling like my children have never understood how hard he works, feeling used for a paycheck, and just yesterday exploded on me telling me he feels it was a mistake to ever take on a woman with kids.
My children are now 8, 12, 16 and 18 and I have always told them how hard my fiance works to help support our family as well as tried my very best to make his daughter who is 7 feel like part of our family when she visits us. My fiance blames every money problem we have on the children and I cannot for the life of me get him to see it was our mistakes financially that led us to where we are today.
Admittedly my fiance has never made an effort to become close with any of my children except at the very beginning of our relationship and he has worked hard to help out financially but I just dont understand where all this blame and anger is coming from.
I have a good relationship with my SD so it is even harder for me to understand why he hates my children and is just now feeling so overwhelmed after 4 years. I should mention that only my 8 year old now lives with us as the oldest is on her own and the middle children now live with their father. So even with less children in the home why is he choosing now to blame every life problem on my children and myself.
I admittedly find it very hard to understand the problems he has with being a SD as like I said I have never had a problem with his daughter so any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
It is very weird that your DH
It is very weird that your DH is suddenly blaming you and your kids for your money problems. You say he just exploded on you the other day, leading me to believe he has been holding something in for a very long time.
If your DH was to come and post on here, what do you think he would say?
I am still here because he is
I am still here because he is a good man and I love him and am not the type of person to throw away a relationship just because we are going through some tough times. To many people throw relationships away and move on to the next without ever trying to resolve the problems and that doesnt get anyone anywhere.
Like I said I am seeking advice as to try to understand where he may be coming from and yes he did say he feels it was a mistake but it was said in the heat of an argument (which makes everything worse) and although there is always truth in what one spews out during a fight that does not mean there is no hope in fixing things.
And to start fixing things I am trying to understand better to where he is coming from hence the reason I am wondering if this sudden overwhelmed feeling is a normal thing for a SP to feel....especially after 4 years.
As to what I think he may say should he post on here....I believe he would say exactly what he said to me, that he feels overwhelmed, unappreciated and feels like just a paycheck. Although like I said this is the first time in 4 years that he has had to support the family so it kinda ticks me off that I did it for 2 years with no complaints yet now that he has to do it for the last 6 months he acts like the world is ending.
He sounds like a classic
He sounds like a classic user.
All was well with the world while he lived off of you for two years. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, he wants to bitch and moan.
"I believe he would say
"I believe he would say exactly what he said to me, that he feels overwhelmed, unappreciated and feels like just a paycheck."
We need more details. Does he think you spoil your kids and buy them things they don't need?
Does he think you spend money on unnecessary things?
Does he complain that your kids are disrespectful to him?
Do your kids pick up after themselves, help out around the house?
Why did your two middle children go to live with their father?
You said "I cannot for the life of me get him to see it was our mistakes financially that led us to where we are today."
What mistakes were these and how have they led you to where you are today?
Sorry to bombard you with so many questions, but like you said, it's not fair that you were the main bread winner for 2 years but now the shoe is on the other foot DH is throwing a major hissy fit.
He does feel I am not hard
He does feel I am not hard enough on my children and admittedly on my oldest I never was. I gave in allot to make up for the kids being hurt in my divorce from their father however live and learn and I realized my mistakes when my oldest was 15 and stopped my behavior as I realized it was not helping them grow into strong adults if their mother handed them whatever they wanted. Since that time I have taught my children the value of money and where it comes from and that in life you do not get everything you want. I do not purchase them brand name clothes just because they want them....they get what they need not everything they want so no I do not spend money wastefully on my children at all.
That is also the reason my middle children have now chosen to live with their father. He makes allot more money than we do and does hand them everything they want...the latest cell phones, brand name clothing, gives them rides whenever and where ever they want to go etc. My children unfortunately chose money over me which although I tried to teach them better, it is now a lesson they will have to learn on their own.
As for the children picking up after themselves, their chores were the dishes and putting away their laundry....and yes like every child I had to remind them to do so and all the other household chores are done by me. So my SO is never responsible for picking up after my children or even his own when she is here.
As to our financial problems....we were very wasteful with money and never saved for a rainy day so when our household income dropped drastically we had nothing to fall back on and all the credit cards and loans we had were impossible to pay which led us to bankruptcy. I should also clarify that the reason our income dropped suddenly was because my 2 children chose to go live with their dad so the child support he was paying was now gone and I lost my position at work.
My SO has never complained that the children were disrespectful to him directly and they have never been rude or snotty to him either. He has complained that they were being disrespectful when they would complain about not getting some game they wanted or a $100 pair of jeans. Like I said I tried teaching them the value of money but through my own mistakes as a parent it was definitely hard to get that through their heads. However he no longer is dealing with the two children who were doing that and my youngest is big on saving money and is happy with a toy from the dollar store instead of begging for some crazy expensive toy.
Maybe some of you are right in saying he took the free ride and now doesnt want to pay it back........we have had allot of stress in the last 6 months from the children leaving, financial problems, extended family issues, work issues and so on and so on, but to give up 4 years of a relationship without trying to fix it still seems wrong to me. I ran from my first marriage before giving it all to try and fix things and I do not want to throw in the towel to fast yet again.
I do want to understand where he is coming from and why he blames the children....just finding a way to do so is the hard part.
I agree with Tuff Cookie that
I agree with Tuff Cookie that it sounds like there are a lot of issues going on.
It could be a little bit of both - entitled step children and DH that's a user, but until you talk it out with DH you will not know what is going on.
I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your DH.
Good luck!
Could it just be that since
Could it just be that since your income has decreased and he's the primary breadwinner that he is stressed? Is he just concerned, overall, for the financial future of the family? And he's sees that, in the past, perhaps now as well that too much has been spent on the kids?
I obviously really dont know what's going on-just playing devil's advocate. At this point he is carrying the financial weight of the family-maybe he is resentful in doing so if he feels that his relationship with your children is not good or they are disrespectful to him. My dh gets very upset with all the children (not just his skids) if he feels that they are not properly appreciative all the time because he/I do so much for them.
There ARE a lot of things
There ARE a lot of things going on.
I'm going to look at just one. He watched you spoil your kids for years. That resulted in the kids leaving to live with their father once you cut them off from being spoiled. That increased his financial burden. You see it as two kids now being out of the picture that he doesn't have to deal with. In reality, it's similar to losing two roommates who were paying their portion of the bills. With the kids gone, the money is gone. All you can see is how you helped him when he needed. And all he can see is how this is your fault. Your kids left, there goes cs. Your job was changed, more income lost. He is holding onto the anger of your kids to avoid the fact that he didn't put his foot down years ago, nor did he plan for the future. It's easier to blame someone else than yourself.