Dissomaster Disappointment
I don't understand why for the next 12 years (SD is 6) we are subject to having our income ripped out from under us at the ex's whim. My BF pays PLENTY for SS and SD in monthly child support, promptly each and every month without a word. Ex is getting remarried next month, and today my BF let her know, as nicely as could be done, that pursuant to the settlement agreement the alimony payment will terminate next month. Her comeback was "well, I think it's time to have our attorneys run the child support program taking into account your increase in income".
My BF is a career professional and WORKS VERY HARD and as a result pays through his nose for child support and alimony. He works SO HARD to build his career, and his increase in income has NOTHING to do with her, the key energy was put in after they separated and mostly after the divorce (this timing is endemic to the profession--it just simply cannot be true that she had anything to do with his earning capacity). I am also a career professional and put myself through undergrad and grad school, and cannot fathom the idea that the legal system rewards her for sitting by while he paid for BOTH of them while he was in school--she stayed at home the whole time and never worked--and for the last 8 years he has paid her to stay at home, and now that his hard work has paid off he has to pay her more! What is this idea that she is entitled to be paid for keeping house for him while he was in school? Or even providing moral support -- isn't that the role of a partner? I mean, since when do we pay each other for that? Where is my payment for supporting him NOW? I kept my own house while I was in school, ran my own errands and worked FOUR jobs, where is my payment for keeping house for myself? Shouldn't each person take responsibility for their choices? I don't get it. Don't get me wrong, if the skids needed $ we would be there in a second, this isn't about that--we never, ever quibble over payments for this and that, books, clothes, etc., indeed I would be happy to pay ALL their expenses because I want them to enjoy a high quality life, I would never withhold anything from them or make them do without. I went so many winters without coats and shoes, I KNOW what it's like to do without. But this isn't about the kids, it's about the Ex needing money to fix up the house that she lives with her soon to be husband who is in school and doesn't work, and to pay for her lovely wedding next month. Scratch that, this is about her spite toward my BF and her need to exert control over my BF as payback for her feelings during the marriage (ps she asked for the divorce, and I didn't come along until two years later, so it's not about me.) I had 25 PEOPLE at my wedding two months ago and a simple silver band for a ring because with all the child support and alimony payments, we couldn't afford more. It was my first wedding and while I have never been one to dream of the big wedding, it was so disappointing to have to sacrifice simply because I am the second wife, while he handed over monster alimony checks that went toward fixing up her fiance's house where they live together on the good side of town. I am so angry, I came from a difficult childhood, put myself through college and professional school, basically scratched and clawed my way to financial security, hanging in there through tragedy and health issues, etc. and here comes this little princess from a lovely two parent, high middle income home on the coast, whose parents moved here to be near her family and support her and provide child care and all kinds of social support, she's never had to work a day in her life and she has the nerve to act as if she's entitled to the money my husband makes, which should be available to support US.
I would love to have a baby with my husband! And I would LOVE slow down at work which is taking a toll on my health and emotional stability. I can't do any of these things because we can't afford it. We live on the bad side of town in a dumpy little house while she and her new non-working hubby live in a ritzy neighborhood surrounded by all of the people that I and BF work with, all of our peers. All because of the California child support guidelines. I don't get it. Should there be a time when there's enough money to support the kids at the ex's home, no matter how much the income goes up or down elsewhere? I believe in child support and my BF taking responsibility for his choice to marry the wrong woman and have children with her, but why isn't the ex made to live with her choices and take responsibility for herself and her share of raising the kids? I firmly live by principles of taking care of myself and taking responsibility for myself, and I just don't think it's fair or sensible that we have to cut her a bigger and bigger check every year unrelated to any increase in the kids' needs (or even wants--they have more than they need at BOTH houses). I think her spiteful action of asking for more, unrelated to the kids' needs, is morally bankrupt and despicable. I try so hard to maintain a civil relationship with her and her fiance for the kids' sake, but her actions make me hate her so much. Why can't she see that creating this kind of conflict affects the kids more than anyone?? I will do what I can to push the feelings down for their sake, but in the end, she is irreparably damaging my ability to be kind and open with her, which I think is important for the kids' sake. Shouldn't the kids' welfare be her guiding principle? Arrgh. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about how unfair it all is, and wondering how to live with the uncertainty that the specter of this raises for the next decade. I know it's about the system, and I understand how the system got there, I've studied the history. And I take responsibility for choosing to marry a man with children and an ex wife. But, really, for the life of me I can't imagine why it has to be this way. It's not fair, and it's not right.
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Comments
Good Morning Gwen.
I read your post this morning and felt like I should respond. I want you to know that I fully understand where you are coming from and have had similar feelings. I am a BioMom and receive child support each month from my ex-husband. I do not receive alimony and work full time. I also am remarried and am a SM and my husband pays child support to his ex-wife. I have experienced issues on both sides of the fence and can see both sides. More related to your post, my current husband pays very little in child support. He and his ex make nearly the same amount of money each month and they share custody 50/50. She recently moved out of state with the SD and we see her far less than we used, they agreed to keep the child support guidelines the same. However, every time she sends an e-mail, a letter, or phones and wants extra money for something, I come unglued most of the time. We do pay extra frequently for sports costs and we pay half of my SD's medical and dental expenses, but it seems to me that my husband's ex is always in need of another $100.00 a month for something. We will write her and ask for receipts, or confirmation and they never show up, so we don't send it. I understand your feelings, and I get very aggravated and say the same things you do, why am I working so hard every day to send her more money when she made such a big deal of "making it on her own". In all fairness though, she does get very little, and even if we sent her an extra $100.00 a month, it would still not be one-fourth of the support I get from my ex-husband.
My ex-husband and I were married for quite a long time. We both worked full time while we were married, but he makes more than double what I make. Child support guidelines add up both incomes, and calculate out based on how many children, and who has the children more often. My husband doesn't want the kids living with him full time. He sees them every other weekend and no more. Therefore, he does pay quite a bit in child support. We have had our child support modified one time. I lost my job, got another and took a loss in income, and as my younger son entered day care, child care expenses went up. We are supposed to review our income every two years re: modification in case either of our income changes. We don't. Mine has gone up a little, and I am sure his has. I get sufficient money and don't need more. However, if I lost my job, or had to quit for whatever reason, I wouldn't hesitate to seek more child support. My kids are his equal responsibility. He brought them into this world, and if I am out of work, or the needs of my kids require me to stay home, I would expect him to either a.) adjust child support accordingly, or b.) take more responsibility in their day to day care and have them more than 4 days a month. But, see, B will never happen. I don't think my kids and I should live in a crappy house on the bad side of town, struggling, when he makes more than $100,000 annually and lives with his wife in a nice place, in a nice part of town. It is not my current husband's responisiblity to support them. He does though, in many more ways than financial.
I guess I went long. My point is, I hear you, I understand what you are saying, and I get it. I feel that way too. But being on the other side also, dad has a responisiblity to his kids. I think his ex has a horrible attitude regarding her alimony. She should be happy - she is getting married - moving on - giddy even. The fact that she wants to amend child support now that her alimony is gone is rediculous. I would probably fight that.
Hang in there Gwen. Being a Step Mom and involving yourself in this type of situation is a long-term struggle. There are many many benefits and hopefully things will get better. Try and stay positive and take the high road at all times.
Exactly!
I appreciate the kind words and support, and totally agree on the taking the high road. Your post illustrates my point precisely--the dissomaster calculation actually makes sense in your situation. Here, the situation is not at all similar. My skids go to the best school in two counties. They have enough toys for ten kids, being spoiled by their gparents, neighbors, and yes spoiled by me. They have more clothes than they can wear and more toys than they can play with; they play soccer, ski, have swim lessons, take acting classes. Their mother lives with their new stepfather on the great side of town, filled with cute little neighborhood amenities. We live with the gangs on the other side of town. She never worked, and I have always worked. My husband and I work more than 10-15 hours a day when we don't have the kids in order to build our careers. At the same time, we get off work early on the weekdays we have the kids, and stay home on weekends when we have them, which totals two to three days out of seven most weeks. We'd love to have them more, but "she would miss them too much" and we don't want to cause a tantrum (and thus more conflict that would affect the kids' well being). We volunteer to ferry them to soccer practice even on the days we don't have them, and we attend all school, etc. events including PTA meetings etc. We choose not to move to another town where we could live more nicely on our artificially limited income, in order to make things nice for the kids, so that they can play with the same friends, have some continuity in their lives, and not be stuck in commute war zones several times a week. Everything revolves around them (and I support this, I am frequently the voice of reason in this regard, as my BF is FRUSTRATED). She, the Ex, wants for nothing, except that she has chosen to marry a man who is in school instead of working -- of course, he (and now she) has a second home cabin in the woods and a boat and travels frequently, because his father is wealthy. Courts do not care about that. I highly respect school but this man is near 40 and the only reason he's finishing his undergrad degree now is because he chose to run off and sail the seven seas for ten years before settling down. My BF did all the right things, sacrificed his desires to sail the seven seas in order to raise his family right, worked hard and went to graduate school and kept his nose to the grindstone (and so did I), and now the ex and her new hubbie are nicely positioned with low-stress schedules and lovely family lives while we have to continue to scrimp and save and work our butts off. I feel for all the moms whose exs do not live up to their obligations, I really do. But what about those that do everything right and more?
I know
Sometimes it seems patently unfair. Not much we can do, but move on, and be happy. Be happy wtih your husband, and live like you have everything you'll ever need. That will be the best revenge.
One thing child support isn't...
it isn't forever! Count one blessing in this horrible situation, and that the ex is getting remarried. That will eleviate alimony, and even if cs does go up, when they turn 18, or finish college, she will no longer have that money.
I know it seems like that is going to be forever. All the hard work you are putting into your carrers, will pay off, and one day you won't have this ridiculous burden of obscene amount of cs/alimony.
I do think that your situation is horrifically unfair. But it is happening, and you can't change it. The sad fact is, you dh made a choice to marry someone with a silver spoon, and she never worked, so the courts are looking at him like he abandoned her, therefore, she will receive support until another person marries her.
One way you can look at the alimony payment is that whatever it costs your dh to have ended his relationship with her is worth every cent. I know a couple, and the man truly wants a divorce, but b/c his wife has ms, she will be entitled to everything they both worked for financially, plus everything they own. So he is trapped in a marriage he cannot enjoy, while she barks at him relentlessly as if he is some moron that can't do the most simple chores. She treats him in such a horrific, humilating manner, it is really sad. He is deciding to stay in that sad situation, rather than buy his way out.
The alternative for your dh to not pay $$ is to have remained married to her, and that is punishment he couldn't afford. Your financial situation is unfair, and it perpetuates the learned helplessness. Your dh is demonstrating for his children to fight for a life that you want, not steal it from them financailly, and you can't put a price tag on that. I hope you find a way to let go of the resentment of this unfair and ridiculous situation. Your hard work is paying off, everyday that you put in, will compound itself tomorrow.
My bests to you to find some inner peace on this situation.
i'm w/u on your feelings. i
i'm w/u on your feelings. i think that the justice system is screwed up on this whole child support/alimony issue. why does support$$ go up if income goes up? what the heck? why can't the initial calculation remain the same but you can perhaps be able to lower it if person makes less. gosh we are at the mercy of the court. i totally hate that whole idea. and why is it that the father gets less visitation???? that is totally unfair, visitation should be equal.
-happy mom
Unfair system...Father go unrecognized
Gwen, regarding your comment: "I feel for all the moms whose exs do not live up to their obligations, I really do. But what about those that do everything right and more?"
It kills me that my BF who has 50/50 custody and still pays for EVERYTHING on top of CS(she manipulated him today by scheduling a dentist appt on his day, which he has to pay for--and she just told him last night!) He does make more money than her but she makes GREAT money! She constantly tells SS that "dad should pay for everything b/c he makes like 20 times more than me" and when he does pay or buy somethng to avoid having to deal with her, there is no appreciation--just an expectation. But who cares if he does make more money than her...it is still their equal responsibility to provide for SS equally...not just my BF's! Even in court many years ago, my BF had to pretty much earn his parental rights and prove to a judge who could have cared less about and had no insight into the nature of my BF. But she can violate custody orders, make SS "ask" dad to buy everything (he told my BF that he (dad) had to buy him a new snowboard this year b/c he and his mom just sold his old one at a yard sale--which my BF bought him! It all drives me crazy sometimes too. So on top of the CS $, he pays for the private schooling, my BF pays for, all the sports equipment and fees, and he pays for haircuts and clothes! SO she can go around town talking about her new designer clothes and the "high" class neighborhood in which she lives.
One last thing...I am so scared to start a family w/this current situation (psycho ex that just won't go away and a son she has created an alliance with (and which is against my BF). But you are there now, and we all knew it wouldn't be easy going into these situations. But we love our partners and their children and we feel the joys and love that come with a blended family....these exes are bitter, lonely, resentful and still wishing they could have such love and wonderful men in their lives.
Thank you for your post.
My husband and I agreed that
My husband and I agreed that I would be a SAHM or work part-time for almost two decades while raising our large family. He had the opportunity to build his career while I did not, so when he deserted his family I was in no position to earn anywhere near as much as he was earning. In our state it is rare to be awarded alimony if you also get child support, so we were stuck with nothing more than $33 per child in weekly child support permanently - not enough to buy even half the food they ate, much less clothe or house them. He is supposed to pay for half their medical expenses, but at one point he demanded that one of them skip going to the eye doctor even though she had flunked the eye exam at school. Yet he and his wealthy wife can afford vacations, large screen tv's, and brand new cars every few years, while his children and I live close to the poverty level and I will never be able to retire.
You are in a different boat all together..
I feel you have been robbed. When you and your ex decided you would forfeit your career to be a sahm, he decided he would support you for life. It is very tragic your state didn't agree.
I am sorry for the fact you sacrficed so much, then were abandoned, and now financially poor. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, but I just don't know what to say.
There seems to be unfair situations on both sides. I hope you are doing well now, and wish you the best.
I feel better
Candice, you are right on. Your words made me cry. I really do feel better after getting feedback from everyone, it's strange to think what a difference it makes, but it really does! I was on an obsessive compulsive thing about all of this last night and now I feel much more peaceful. It is so great to have support and hear that others are in the same boat, or at least paddling against the same dang current. Seeing the messages from everyone puts a big smile on my face. Thank you, everyone.
Dear Other Side
I am sorry your situation is unfair to you. As I said, I feel for people who get the short end of the stick. In my situation, that happens to be me and my husband. SHE chose not to work during the marriage; he encouraged her to do so. SHE chose to end the marriage; he did not desert her. Now HE pays tons of money so that she and her new husband WHO DOES NOT WORK can live in a beautiful house in a wonderful neighborhood. I resent that I am forever burdened by her helplessness, lack of motivation, and dependency (which is part of her personality in many aspects of life), and I resent that we are in these relative positions where she had all of the advantages, and I myself was given the resources to end up a welfare child on drugs; instead, I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps through sheer grit and stubborness at considerable emotional, physical and financial cost. The situations are not at all the same, and the tragedy is that the courts are not allowed to see the difference.
But I made the choice to marry into this situation, just as you made the choice to marry your husband and become a stay at home mom and take a chance that your husband would or would not fulfill his moral obligations to you down the road. I firmly believe that we are all responsible for our choices. I am 36 years old and this is my first marriage, and the reason for that is I made the difficult choice, many times, to wait a sufficient amount of time (several years) before deciding whether or not to marry a particular man, out of a sense of personal responsibility to myself and to any future children to NOT marry the wrong man. I know that many women out there have a different perspective, and believe that once the marriage contract is entered, their partner has a responsibility to contribute to their support after the marriage ends. I respect that viewpoint, but I do not agree with it. I believe so strongly in personal choices and responsibility that I do not believe in alimony, except that I can see some equity to short-term support where a joint choice was made to have one person work and the other stay at home for the benefit of the children, and where that other person otherwise would have the motivation to learn valuable job skills. The support should continue until the stay at home, be it man or woman, has the opportunity to develop new job skills through school, apprenticeships, or other training. I do agree that both fathers and mothers have an unconditional responsibility to contribute to the financial, emotional, and social well being of their children for the rest of their lives. My husband happily and with great love for his children fulfills these obligations in spades (as I do also for my skids, pursuant to my undertaking to be their Smom). I am very sorry that the culmination of your choices and your ex's choices have put you in such an awful position, and that your kids are disadvantaged as a result. I know some will perceive that as "blame" for the mom, and that is not how I mean it, not at all. I am sure that you and others have the best of intentions to create a strong and loving family by staying at home. I value stay at home parents very much. I personally would love to have the privilege of staying at home. But I do mean that all women also make choices, and I think it is a disservice to women in general to suggest that they don't or didn't make choices that lead to where they are today, even if that choice has to do with trusting the wrong man. That doesn't make the situation any less tragic. I pray that you and others like you will be presented with the opportunities that you deserve to address your situations in some way that benefits you and your children, through new learning opportunities, job opportunities, or sheer good fortune, and that in some way, shape or form, your ex and others like him will be made to answer for his failure to be a good person and a good dad. God bless.