Stepshit never seems to end no matter how old they get
I disengaged over 4 years ago after adult sd and ss tried to blackmail H over his inheritance from his mother. I've put up with threats, nasty emails to my minis bios , being called very name you can think of , having the middle aged stepshits contact my bios behind our backs, etc. I was accused of being controlling a year and 1/2 ago when I last spoke to SD 35. I asked for an example of what she was talking about and the example she gave was that H told her to tell me goodbye when she left my home every other weekend!!!!!!!!
I have not spoken to or seen any of them since then.
Then I happen to see a text SS 37 leaves in response to H's. Husbands text was :
Happy belated birthday. Hope u had a good day. Hope you had fun on your trip . Love, Dad.
Stepshit 37's response:
And this how you tell me. In a text. Where's your guts Dad. Im tired Dad. Stop bein afraid of us. Be our father. An stand up to your wife jus a lil. U will be respected. I ant tryin to piss you off. I love ya.
H said he called to tell ss37 that he had left a message only because it was so early in the morning that he figured he would be asleep. H's said he did not address the comment about me.
I just don't get it. This same garbage was spouted by SD 35 when I last spoke to her. She accused me of controlling her wonderful father and not allowing him to contact her. H actually got on the phone at this point to tell her that in fact it was the exact opposite - I encouraged and reminded him to call ( before I disengaged). Even when he tells them I do not keep him from contacting them they are determined to blame me for every damn thing he does or doesn't do.
Does h have no responsibility here. Why is everyone always pointing the finger at me. H can see them any time he wants to. He obviously does not want to. I am not responsible for his behavior. H is extremely self centered and selfish. BM should know that so why am I always the damn scapegoat. Believe me I wish I could control him as a lot of the crap I put up with would'nt happen.
I wanted to respond- it took all of my control not to as I'm fed up with their sticking their nose in my marriage. As far as him being tired he has no idea! I suppose the adult stepshits want me to open up my house to them again as that is the only way thier father can be bothered to see them - if I entertain them. Of course everyone knows the way to get an invitation back to someone's home is to encourage their spouse to start a fight with them. Then tell them you will respect them for starting the fight. OMG.
This is the exact reason they are NO T allowed in my house.
This is the reason I don't want to be anywhere near these evil BM clones.
Should I respond and tell them to stop blaming me and place the blame where it belongs on them for being so difficult and nasty that their own father makes no effort to see them and on their POS father because he's too busy doing whatever he wants to do that No One else is a priority.
As an adult step daughter I
As an adult step daughter I can say that it is WAY easier from the "child's" perspective to push the anger onto the stepmother.
Admitting to yourself that for SOME reason (his or your own behavior?) that your father has chosen to let go of the relationship is one of the hardest things, I personally have ever had to do.
Until I did that - it was easier to 'hate' my SM. She's not a pleasant person in general and I'm sure she could write lots of stories about how my brother and I were horrible to her (unintentionally - but still). But as I've gotten older, I've released the anger aimed at SM - and placed it firmly on my father's shoulders. (and my own as well)
Hearing all that doesn't make your situation any easier - but maybe you can use it to help you not take their selfish and nasty comments personally.
Thanks for your honest reply.
Thanks for your honest reply. It seems so illogical that after all of this time where I have not seen or talked to them that they continue to try to blame me for their failed relationship. I get that it is easier to blame me than their father but in a way they are blaming him also as they chide him for not standing up to me. That's what I don't get. I can even get that these middle aged step adults have a hard time seeing how their nastiness and continuos griping about how they were raised very time they talk to him could make him not want to talk to them.
However, They would rather assume daddy is a wimp completely controlled by me than to recognize that daddy is really just self centered and his drinking and fun always come before anyone -definitely before any responsibility. Given that daddy has this type self centered personality their continual berating of him when they would talk to him just pushed daddy further away. Daddy is very passive aggressive that way.
Considering the age of these step adults -almost 40 - shouldn't they have come to the realization that you have by now. Given that they have not I see no hope of that ever changing. Of course BM is still interjecting herself in all of this which may be the primary reason for the step adults perpetually rehashing the past and embellishing every tiny little thing more and more with each year that goes by. I mean who really holds a grudge because they were told to be polite and tell someone good bye.
This just confirms what rh said there will never be any changing of the step adults minds regarding me so I should continue to totally block them out of my life and my mind. V
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel. My sd35 sent 2 emails to my husband addressed to me blaming me for "not taking an interest in her" and "turning her entire family against her". She hung up on me, came for our kids b days and left the next day, across country, it goes on and on. Everything is my fault, but her father can not stand her and even wonders if she is genitally his!!! The other on sd40 same same, and he is basically embarrassed by 20 yrs. of their bad behavior. But that would ultimately lead back to them an d their behavior so blaming you is sooo much better! And everything is about money, money money. at 40 and 35 we owe them an explanation of how and why we spend what! Yeah let him figure out that ss37 should not be saying "stand up to your wife"! I too spent 18 years putting one through college, bailing out emergencies, remembering birthdays, shopping at BEBE, sending baby gifts, and remembering grandkids. And you know what? He basically doesn't want to feel guilty by saying it, but really he doesn't even like his own daughters! Good job girls! You have both accomplished your worst nightmares and become your crazy dead mother who lives on thru your behavior! LOL
"but her father can not stand
"but her father can not stand her and even wonders if she is genitally his!!!" LMFAO!!!
Dark horse. I truly
Dark horse. I truly identified with your post. I honestly don't know how my h feels about the step adults. I do know I once asked him why he didn't call SD and he indicated he was tired of dealing with her nastiness. To be honest my h acts very selfishly so if something is unpleasant for him he avoids it like the plaque while turning to more fun pursuits. Yes he can be very passive aggressive and childish. But so can BM, and the step adults. I sometimes feel like I'm the only grownup left standing It's been a mess all of these years. I have honestly wondered how h and BM could have ever attempted to raise the step adults if they had stayed together. Despite the fact that chronologically they were adults, they are both prime examples of selfish arrested development. Not good parental material at all.
I know....year after year it
I know....year after year it becomes hard to remember what it was about. Not logical and holding the grudge circumvents taking ownership of how things turned out. Our 2 kids 19 & 16 came into existence when they were 16 and 21 and they SHOULD be close theoretically. But, hard to believe, sd's are JEALOUS! And Jealous their dad is happier with us. Its sad but hopeless, I have come to the conclusion. :jawdrop:
Yeah. I'm in the same
Yeah. I'm in the same position as my step adults are also very jealous of my bios. There are 18 - 24 years between them but that doesn't matter step adults are still jealous. Step adults revealed this a few years ago. But typically now want to pretend to anyone that will listen that they love and miss my bios and that I am keeping them apart. In reality though whenever my bios run into them without h or I around the step adults will barely acknowledge them. Wonder where all that love went lol.
Well, why would he want to
Well, why would he want to seek it out? Its hurtful and the BM is involved throwing him under the bus. Its a lose lose so is he passive aggressive or smart? I would love to see my husband not be sad and hurt but pursue something selfish. He deserves it. Being in the middle of us and them is an impossible scenario to orchestrate well. 2 sets of kids that don't like each other, with 2 adults daughters that demandingly ask him "if he treats his other kids the same"? Really??? grow up! Selfish sounds good to me. lol
In all honesty h Really is
In all honesty h Really is passive aggressive and selfish. In every relationship. That's why I do not refer to him as dh. However his not wanting to enter into any more of their phone calls that end up with the step adults berating him, cussing him, and whining to him Is perfectly understandable. I would not have taken near as much as he has even from my own bios. Whenever my own bios display a negative attitude with me I immediately refuse to deal with them. I just will not put up with it. H has no problem making sure he has plenty of diversions and entertainment. I'm the one that really
Needs to work on being more selfish.
Disengage and f#%$#% them
Disengage and f#%$#% them all! I am not yet dealing with that, but I deal with it with the freaking ILs.
Just last week my DH's stepdad's brother passed away. DH was called and I asked DH if he was going. He said no, not that day. Maybe the next day. The next day, a good family friend passes away. So I told DH "ok, so since you are not going today, are you going tomorrow"? He said "I think so". So I asked DH "will you be going to the funeral? He said he didn't know. So although our family friend passed away the day after his stepdad's brother, I immediately got on the phone and found out all funeral arrangements so that I could coordinate with DH and his mess. This started Tuesday...Thursday DH was to go to the funeral home. So, Wednesday night I said to DH "please, if you plan to go to the funeral too, find out when it is". He calls his shitty sister and her response is "I don't know!" Really? So while he is talking on the phone I hear him say "you don't know? you've been at the hospital and funeral home for two days and you don't know?" So I said to DH "forget it DH, just call the darn funeral home like I did and get the details so we can figure out who is going where and when. Sure as shit, DH goes to the funeral home, that evening I go to the funeral home. Next FU#$%%ing morning DH gets a text message from his shitty sister saying "please don't come to the funeral because I don't want your WIFE to get mad at you because I heard her talking to you"...WTF? I showed it to DH, and he texted back "WTH do you mean", so she is such a F#$%$%ing liar, she stated "I sent that text TWO DAYS AGO" really? do you think we are stupid or what. Whatever. DH got pissed and didn't go to the funeral either. Of course, it is ALL my freaking fault. Last time DH told his mother to stop bothering us with her petty rumors and gossip, she told him what? "you were NEVER like this before! where are you getting this from?" DH literally just hung up on her. Fu#%ck them. Yes, DH used to think that ALL families were as f#$%cked up as his and now that he has PEACE in HIS life he is not willing to sacrifice it for you aholes.
I wanted to write his sister so bad, but I said nothing. But I made it clear to DH ONCE AGAIN..."and then they wonder why I can't stand them". He just sighed and said, "no worries, I am sick of their bs too!"
So, there you go, it happens. Just disengage. Do what you need to do. Let them blame whoever the f#$ck they want to blame and DO NOT help your DH see them. DO NOT remind him of them. Too bad.
Good luck.
Thanks. I'm sorry for the
Thanks. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Yor inlaw situation does sound similar to my step adult issues. I'm just going to have to get used to laughing it off.
What is "POS"?
What is "POS"?
Piece of shit.
Piece of shit.
I so do understand what you
I so do understand what you are saying and feeling. You have to remain disengaged. I had to realize that husband wants a relationship with his sons no matter how disrespectful they have been of me which sounds like the very thing you are dealing with, and that is not easy to swallow. At the same time, if these kids no not have a conscience brain in their heads and they cannot apologize on their own to me for the hurtful things they have said, no relationship with work for us. I cannot expect husband to go to "bat" for me and have his SS treat me like I am human as this would only be a show for their father and would not be from their heart.
Yeah, I get the blame and it does hurt, I have been there time and time again. Both SS as adults asked their dad why he stayed with me and not their mom....husband and I have been married 20 years, he and his first wife were married 4 years. Don't you think in that amount of time the kids would have come to terms with it all? It is just insane!
Your SS would never have texted his dad the message he did had he thought his dad would not respond well to it but unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it. I pray that my SS will understand the hurt they have given me one day but I don't expect anything differently from them.
It sounds very much like you husband is doing like mine, trying save any little bit of relationship with his sons at all cost. It is not fair to us, their wives. And it does cause alot of friction in the marriage to have the husband allow such disrespect. I have talked to my husband til I have been blue in the face and it makes no difference. SS has treated his own father poorly and yet he cannot draw those clear boundary lines. I think he feels obligated and wants to try and salvage anything he can. Very very sad all the way around.....there is not good solution.
I too have been blamed for
I too have been blamed for everything. I too have a selfish husband. I too have gone through years of hurt anxiety stress an d strain. You can never change any of them not steps not in laws and not your husband.
Let it go. Let them blame you and take that anger and hatred to their graves. Let them gossip and bitch and lie. Who cares. If it is said directly to you. Stand up for yourself and put them in their place. If DH passes it on then tell him he should be ashamed of himself A: For bringing up his children to be like this and B: For passing on gossip and trying to hurt you, instead of just putting his kids in their place.
But whatever you do. Let it go. You cannot make these people like you because the truth is its not you they hate. It's not you they're angry at. It has nothing to do with you. They are angry as hell at our husbands, their sons and fathers. But rather than admit there is a problem in the family and address it. It is far easier to believe their son and their father really loves them and but for his wife they would be one big happy family. It suits our husbands to have their families blame us to. That way that way they can kid themselves they are loved by their children abd family and then they dont have to deal with their dysfunctional families or face the fact their kids hate them.
We need to see we cannot fix what we did not break. We cannot put the pieces of the puzzle together DH with his kids and family or them with him, because we never got to see what the full picture was We have no real idea of what has been going on in that family. It is not our problem it is theirs. All we can really deal with is our relationship with our husband. Work on that and step away from his dysfunctional children and family. If you do not. You will be driven insane. Once we step out of the picture and DH is forced to stand alone against his family. Watch that little worm turn. They will not accept for themselves what they have allowed their families to do to us. That may well be the beginning of change.
EBU, This is written so well,
EBU, This is written so well, and tells it really like it is. Once we remove ourselves from the equation the skids redirect their anger to whom it was intended in the first place - DH, and that is truly when change starts to take place. DH often finds that it is too late to change his adult children who will have nothing to do with him so he must make an effort to have a better life with the people he lives day to day with.
Yep, stay disengaged. Proof
Yep, stay disengaged. Proof again that nothing has changed. My mouth dropped open when I read the "text". It was about verbatim of what my SD30 wrote except her grammar was correct!
Don't take the bait. They win again. They are not allowed into your thoughts.
For gosh sakes the guy is 37 years old! Seriously, get over it.