step mum feeling all alone

Forums:

Hi there, firstly please excuse me for not knowing all the acronyms (DH SD etc), sure I will work it out, but right now just want to send out a general distress call in the hope of finding someone in a similar position who might get where I’m at...

Basically I moved to Brisbane a couple of years ago with my new (old – long story) partner, and inherited a gorgeous step daughter, now 4 and a half. Sadly, also inherited his rather hostile ex who had moved up here with said child when they split up when child was 10 months old. (Nothin to do with me – me was not even in the state!) Ex was bitter when partner wanted to end it, same old story, years of unpleasantness already, failed mediations, he had to take her to court just to get to spend a decent amount of time with lovely daughter, etc. I’m sure is a familiar tale of woe...

Anyhow, so I spent a lot of energy, sweat and tears helping him with the process, got an outcome thanks to hiring a lawyer, and we now have her 3 nights (soon to be 4, though he wanted 5) a fortnight. Champagne, etc, wonderful. But then after all this sick-making angst of assisting with affidavits and the like, and getting at least a much better deal - I suddenly wake up and realise that now I REALLY AM A STEP MUM. Which is nice. Nice in a lot of ways. But would be much nicer if there wasn’t a constant undercurrent of creepy alienation coming from the mother, who still harbours nasty intent though acts holier than thou...

and also, it’s HARD. Especially as we want to have our own baby, but maybe can’t. And even more especially because the only reason we live here is because of the child. Far from our friends, families, all our histories and so on. And even if I could have a child (maybe), I would still have to live in Brisbane and not ever get to be near my own mum, sisters, friends, support networks. And then it all seems too hard.

I really love my partner and we are getting married next year (we are old flames from way before he even met the mother of the chid – sadly we lost each other long enough to make our mistakes). And I love his daughter too. And she loves me. But the poor thing is caught in a horrible conflict that even she is aware of (not thanks to us but because the mother makes it obvious she hates us), and tells the mother/ grandmother she hates us (or so they say) and tells us all the time she loves us, and it is all so hard....

and sometimes I just miss my old life when I wasn’t a step parent and I had lots of friends, and I wasn’t always trying to buy a nice size 4 dress NOT in a sickly shade of pink and stressing out over what to cook for fussy game-playing 4 year old.

But hey! we make our choices and I am happy overall, but would love to meet more people here, or hear some stories from anyone who can relate to mine... thanks for listening!

Firstly well done for being

Firstly well done for being so supportive to FDH (future dear husband)i hope he compliments you often on how lucky he is to have a partner like you.

When I first met my DH the only thing I didnt want to be is a SM and still find it hard, but if you love them enough then its worth it. My skids too I do care about a great deal and we do have a lot of fun, but when they are being annoying as all kids are, its very hard to deal with because you end up thinking, hold on these arent mine why am I the one cleaning up, washing, playing nurse and entertaining when they are NOT mine. I resented my DH for a LONG time about this all, especially as I want my own, one day and don't want to be sick to death of playing kids games etc before mine even is conceived. Rule here is to kick DH into gear from the off to let him know that they are not your resposibility and he is the parent NOT you, everything you do for them both is out of love you have for him, not becasue you have to.
Secondly, I too moved far away from my security net to be with him so he could be closer to his kids, which is great for him and took me ages to deal with, still find it a bit hard and its been a year. But think of it as a new adventure for you to find new things to do and go out wioth him to find them together.
I'm not going to lie to you that its all a bed of roses coz it really isnt but if you love him it will work itself out. Always communicate with him before you get to the point of walking out (that was my mistake!)and explain to him how you feel as he may not realise (yes men can be that dumb). Enjoy having your SD over but rember you are not her mum and do not have that obligation to her and that will take alot of the pressure of you. Trying to be 'mum' when they are in your care will make you feel so stressed before SD has even opened her mouth. I like to think of myself as a fun aunt.
it will get better, just takes time but never ever forget why your there, because of DH and if he isnt giving you what you need as his woman then that needs to be fixed first!

also in regards to BM.

also in regards to BM. DISENGAGE!! i got too involed in DH and BM and all their bull sh*t that it made me SOOO angry. She is not your problem, again let it be known to her that you are there as his partner and not to step over the line, this is something that FDH needs to do from the offset too. BM's are crazy so just don't get down to her level or it will but a wedge in your relationship with him. My skids BM repulsed me so much that I couldnt let him near me for a while coz I couldnt believe he messed up so badly with such a cretin, it physically made me feel ill.
Its your life, please do not let it be dictated by BM's stupidness and SD, you and FDH are a team and in a sense your own family when SD is there. Do not ever let BM see you have got angry over her, they love that!

also in regards to BM.

Thanks Redfizz for clearing

Thanks Redfizz for clearing up those acronyms and your advice re boundaries, think it's all about boundaries. And thanks so much HarleyQuinn for your insight, and for saying nice things! I kind of feel guilty when I get that - hang on, she's not even MINE feeling, when I get over it all and can't deal with her, even though I know it's not her fault shes being manipultive cos that's what she is learning at home. I hate feeling pissed off with a four year old when really it's her mother I hate, not her fault. I don't want to turn into a resentful cow. so I think I need to follow your advice about remembering I am not responsible, i think i need to just go out and do my own thing some times when SD is around, she is quite clingy to me and sometimes bitchy to her dad, it drives me nuts! Also it is such a relief to hear you say how sick it has made you feel that your DH was ever involved with someone so foul, I never even see BM these days unless utterly can't avoid, but still she looms over my life, uggghhh. But the worst thing is he hates himself for it, i don't want to make him feel even worse than he does. must disengage...must disengage...and I am going to try to go with your "fun aunt" idea! hope that things keep getting better for you too..

My advice would be to not

My advice would be to not start doing everything for the SD4 let her dad take most of that responsibility when she is there. In other words, you may cook dinner for the family but if SD doesn't want to eat what you cooked do not start giving into her about making something else for her. You may help her get her bath but let her dad make sure she gets to bed on time. Let her dad deal with the drama.

You and your FDH need to set down and make a list of BM's intrusions and the things that drive you nuts. Come to a mutual agreement on how she will be dealt with. Write them down with the solution and each time something comes up set down with your FDH and find a solution to deal with her. My suggestion is to do as much as possible with email. I do not recommend text and phone calls only in case of emergency.

DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT let BM start dictating to you when, how and where everything is done in your home. Or even how you communicate with her!

I feel for you moving away from your family and friends. I did that too and sometimes I am very lonely even though I love my DH.

Good luck!

^^^^^this is ABSOLUTELY true

Welcome ish! It sounds like

Welcome ish!
It sounds like you have chosen a rocky road to walk and you don't have your supportive people around to help you. If you are really sure you want to proceed, here are some tips: Don't allow yourself be drawn into a drama triangle with your partner and his ex. That's their old, tired business and they need to handle it between themselves like grown-ups. Resist any urges to go there strenuously. Your job is to be the best wife/partner to your man as possible. If/when you have bio children, your job is to be the best Mum to your own babies and raise them right, to be loving, decent, strong, responsible people. Period. It is not your job to raise this child. You are probably a warm loving person with a kind heart, like most of us here. It's easy to want to jump in and do all/be all for your man and his child. And they'll probably let you. But don't go there. Learn what detachment means and how to do it. There's info about it on this site. It will save your sanity. Don't let yourself be sucked in. Detach and view this child as you would a distant relative that you may be fond of, but not responsible for. She's not your child and BM won't ever allow you to be her Mum. By all means treat her kindly and fairly, but realize that her little head will probably be messed with on a regular basis by BM until she comes to view you as a rival/enemy. If little girl (and girls are usually the most vicious) is already playing games (fussy eater, etc.) learn how to break those habits early. You are the boss of your home, not BM or little girl. Be the boss. Set your boundaries early and don't let them be disrespected. If your partner doesn't back you up all the way-dump his azz! It's not your job to communicate with BM, avoid her at all costs. Don't allow BM in your life or let her try to dominate you (she'll probably try). Don't let BM know any of your personal business. BM needs to go get her own life. There are many decades worth of wisdom on this site. If you see a problem developing, ask for advice. Chances are someone here has been there/done that and can help. You are only a few keystrokes away...

ISH, its very hard not to

ISH, its very hard not to feel guilty about everything but you have to, otherwise it eats you up inside trust me.I remeber one time I felt soo guilty I was in tears, SD2 was put into hospital because she caught a bug, I couldnt go to hospoital coz of BM drama anyways all was ok released within a few hours, DH come home and said that it will take her ages to get better coz BM's house is so filthy and dirty.I hated that we have a nice, clean house (from working damn hard!)but my point is that you can't make things right for someone else, its their life and they had their choices. You have made yours and just coz your better in life for them its nothing to feel guilty for.
My Skids can be extremly clingy with me to the point where it upsets DH coz they follow me around and you need to make it clear that we are all a family and can play together. But also enjoy the fact that SD loves you, and have some one on one time with her too. me nad my skids get on perfectly even though can be annoying but at least i know its not forced attenion they are giving me DH loves seeing us 3 all cuddled up on the sofa. Make yourself busy so that they can have time with DH is a must as they only have one daddy and will all love you for it in the long run
I too only see her if there is no other way. shes not worh my time nor that bottom of the stomach sick feeling. You sound so nice by not making him feel bad over it, i think both our men royally F'd up which hurts coz we love them so much...its a bitter sweet feeling to know that they will appreciate you alot more because of their past and learning the hard way

Just want to say thanks so

Just want to say thanks so much for all your comments and advice, it makes me feel A LOT better knowing there are so many of you who have gone down this path and know how I'm feeling. I think I have already started to draw all those boundaries you've mentioned (making sure FDH takes the responsibility not me, puts her to bed, etc etc) Not sure if he really really gets it, but he does accept it and do his best not to make me feel responsible...and as for BM we don't actually communicate, (though in the past we have, shiver!) apart from occasional tirades of self righteous craziness in email form to FDH, she mostly communicates in an underhand way through SD. A humourous example -she teaches SD innapropriately adult songs with pointed f'd up messages towards FDH and then SD4 sings them to us, saying, 'This is mummy and my FAVOURITE song", ha ha, it would be funny if it wasn't so sad, it's one thing to feel bitter but quite another to manipulate a chid for your own pathetic motivations.

Ish, Oh how I RELATE with

Ish, Oh how I RELATE with your statement: "and sometimes I just miss my old life when I wasn’t a step parent and I had lots of friends, and I wasn’t always trying to buy a nice size 4 dress NOT in a sickly shade of pink and stressing out over what to cook for fussy game-playing 4 year old."

I can't count the number of nights I've gone to bed telling myself, "I miss my life. I miss my life. I miss my life." Tears Tears

After 5 years of torture (really torture), I found (and still learning) that disengaging is the right answer. Try to make it a game of picking and choosing which things you want to get fully involved with and which things you can disengage from.

It's a TOUGH balance!

Hi Frust8ted, I worry when I

Hi Frust8ted, I worry when I hear you say 5 years of torture - are you okay? is it worth it? i do miss my old life sometimes, I think also I glamourise it a bit, you know how you do. really all my friends were starting to have kids, and I was getting a bit left behind cos I didn't really want kids, and I hadn't met the right person anyway, and then you do. and they have kids, and suddenly it's like. haaaaaaaaaaaang on. I do miss stuff. I miss travelling, and just feel ing like i can do anything I want, like - lets go live in Italy! Oh, hang on a minute, i have to stay here...I miss not feeling caught in an eeeeeeeeeeeendless battle we can't win. How do you cope? is there a light at the end or do your forsee more torture? I hope there's a light!

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step mum feeling all alone