Help! changeover dramas
Just had a call from FHD who says that changeover with SD4 has not gone well, and she has refused to come. Quick background- since going to court things were better, SD started staying over 2 nights in a row, happier, more affectionate, really settled in. But still sometimes saying weird things that clearly come from BM, and often irrationally angry with FDH, then the opposite. Clearly her head is being messed around and she knows her BM hates FDH. Recently things got worse - perhaps BM heard we are getting married. also there had not been any dramas for a while and maybe she missed them - but suddenly for the first time in around a year of changeovers SD starts acting up, saying she doesn't want to come, tantrumming, clinging. Changoevers occur on a jetty as BM lives on an island- FDH does all the driving to said jetty (1-2 hours round trip) but a few weeks ago SD wouldn't come, clung to BM, cried, and BM stayed on the jetty "consoling' her, and letting her control the whole scene instead of just telling her she's be fine and sending her off with FDH. Finally i got sick of waiting in the car for half an hour and went on to the jetty to retrieve FDH. Unpleasant emails etc followed, i'm worried BM has stepped up the PA as it is supposed to go to 3 nights at Christmas, something she strongly opposes. Think BM manufactures these scenes so she can say SD 'is not ready' which has always been her line, even when she was only allowing FDH to see SD for 3 hours a month! (Crazy - he is a wonderful dad)
The first time FDH stayed on the jetty pleading with SD, which was just the kind of scene BM and SD loves (negative attention). I said if it happens again just say, ok, and walk away, which is what he just did. So then he will have to drive all the way out there again tomorrow to try again, all the time feeling anxious that SD might reject him again. But what can we do? this could start happening every time, and 2 years of mediation and waiting for court down the drain? honestly i don't know if we can cope with court any more...do we just let this happen? Is there any hope for this situation? SD really does obviously love her dad, but she is so strongly aligned to BM. Would really really appreciate any insight into how to deal... thanks
It is a hard one.BM seems to
It is a hard one.BM seems to like that she is the choosen one from SD and happily declares that as her being "not ready".
Many times the mums intend to be a bit co dependent and don't deal well to be separated from their toddlers.And I can relate to that, since she is probably scared to loose the affection of her child.But inspite of that she could try to support the relationship with the other parent.
The other thing is, that SD is in an age where she enjoys all that attention and power she is getting by making a fuss.
I would not play that game and tell DH not to wait around and coddle her.Worst case scenario SD will not come then, but best case scenario is that both (SD and BM) will quit the game because he refuses to play it and the problem will be solved.The more attention SD gets for her behaviour the more she will go for it.
Hey, thanks. BM doesnt need
Hey, thanks. BM doesnt need to worry she would ever lose that affection - SD is an affectionate child who loves her mum as well, and we always say nice things about BM despite everything. But BM shows SD (in front of SD and FDH), that she doesn't approve of SD having as nice time with her dad (sneers, harumphs, ignores things he says, such as: FDH: "SD had fun playing with X this weekend. BM: ignores. SD: feels bad, pretends to be sad). She cant even even bring herself to say, 'that's nice" just to show SD it's okay to have fun with her dad. But anyway, i think you are right about best and worst case scenarios. think it is about attention for SD and also getting BM's approval, but maybe she will realise the tantrum didn't really get her what she wants, cos I think she really does want to see him. 4 year olds are tricky!
She's four, right? Wy can't
She's four, right? Wy can't DH just pick her up and buckle her in the car? My kids are young, they don't get a choice. Either get in the car, or I'll make you get in the car.
She's too young for this shit. Four year olds don't know what they want from one minute to the next. She's says she doesn't want to come. Dad says sorry to hear that, but you are coming. Would you like to get in the car yourself or should I carry you?
I think you should stay in
I think you should stay in the car or not go. It sounds like it only causes problems...although I didn't quite follow how you went to the jetty and unpleasant emails followed... I think the middle part is missing.
What did you say/do on the jetty? Was there a scene?
Anyway, this kid is FOUR. She is very little, and it doesn't sound like she sees her father very often. (How often does he get her?) The kid may have separation anxiety, she may not feel comfortable in your home, etc. I know my kids would have HATED being shuffled around at that age. I can't really blame her.
You could always tell SO to simply carry her out to the car. This won't work forever, but it could help get SD over the hump. Not to mention, if throwing a fit gets her what she wants, that's a pretty dangerous precedent to set.
yeah, Stickafork, actually I
yeah, Stickafork, actually I just stay home these days, or I stay in the car, I never go on the jetty it was just that one time to see what the hell was going on. I am just reporting what FDH tells me. Actually he sees her every week, 1 night Thursday then 2 the following weekend, and she loves it here, she gets so excited, jumps around, dancing, yelling "I love you guys" etc, has all her own stuff, loves our pets, it's not an issue of comfort, it seems to just be changeover that's hard (fair enough too).
What happens is that he drives there, walks onto the jetty to meet the ferry, BM supposedly hands over SD and gets straight back on the ferry to the island, and that is what has always happened until a few weeks ago - she's been staying overnight since last November and there have been no real problems at changeover, ( i know, no fun for SD though being parcelled about). But lately SD is clingy and crying and saying,"Mummy, i just want to stay with you and give you hugs" and refuses to come (no reason we can think of, nothing has changed here) and BM indulges it, and acts all concerned, misses the ferry so she can drag it out, brings up some stupid lie SD has told, and soothes SD, and lets her keep hugging her, instead of just detaching her and saying "You have to go".
FDH wOuld love to follow all advice of just grabbing her, but the way BM sets it up to give an impression that she is only caring for SD, and (in her words) "consoling" her. FDH would literally have to prise the child off BM - it would look like abduction, he would probably be arrested! it's a very public place.
Anyway, he just had to leave then go back this morning and try again, and she had a tantrum, but BM for a change did just hand her over (must have suited her today. Within 3 minutes SD was laughing and joking around, and saying, "Were you sad I didn't come yesterday?". And, 'I was only joking yesterday, really i wanted to come" ...(sigh, funny joke)
She's here now, in the bath singing songs, playing with DH and you would never know she'd ever had a care in the world. So all is okay. But as you said Stickafork it's a dangerous precedent to set, and it's now happened twice out of three Friday visits, and so now we can't trust that it won't keep happening (like on the weekend we have flights for her booked to go see family interstate, eek!) Think BM is angling to challenge the court orders, saying "SD clearly not coping with overnights" which is a load of crap.
Blah...it's been three years of hell with that woman, how long can bitterness last???!!!
Thanks Lo, and thanks for
Thanks Lo, and thanks for your support about it not mattering if I am there or not...it gets frustrating when people automatically assume that SD's behaviour means there must be a problem with us, or with our home, or with what I do, when we know it's not true. I do agree that the changeover itself is not pleasant for any little kids, but that's why it shouldn't be dragged out. It's a good point you make that if he just picks her up she will see that he's in control not her, so she doesn't have to feel she's hurting BMs feelings...thanks for everyone for suggesting this is the right thing to do and that 4 year olds should not be in control!