O/T- mother in law
I always got on with my mil. I pretty much lived at her house before my fdh and I got our own place. After around a year though I noticed she is actually quite a horrible woman, she started always putting my fdh down, literally calling him stupid and laughing in his face when he told her his dreams of having his own business. There were a couple of put downs to me too but a lot more subtle. It made me cry on a few occasions how horrible she was to her son. Anyway about 2 weeks before we were due to move there was an incident in which her other son, who I was on good terms with but is mentally ill got it in to his head that I had done something, was kicking our door down and threatening to kill me with a hammer. It terrified me. I thought that mil would do the right thing and send him back to mental home. Nope. She instead said that I shouldn't stay anymore (she is aware that I did nothing wrong and did apologize for sons behaviour)..so fdh and I moved to my mums for 2 weeks. That was 3 months ago and I haven't seen or spoken to mil since, she didn't acknowledge my birthday or anything, never asks fdh how I am, even I ask how she is! Now she acts like the doting mother to my fdh. We are getting married abroad in 3 years and fdh wants to pay for her to come, I really resent this. Her birthday is coming up and I will probably be invited to a meal. I feel like not going, no card etc but would that be petty? Should I try to rebuild a relationship with her, or at least be civil?
When it comes to having a baby I don't want it within a mile of her house. She is not a good role model, tells her grandchildren to shut the f up, chain smokes, lives off welfare, swears etc, I could go on! I know me not allowing our child to go there is going to cause trouble, not between fdh and i. With his family. How do I deal with this situation?
I wasn't expecting her to
I wasn't expecting her to choose me over her son. He threatens to kill people quite regularly, including neighbours. He is very mentally unstable. The right thing is for him to be away from the public, not just me. She did however choose between her sons as my fdh wasn't comfortable with staying there either.
I know tons of people are on welfare, and need to be. But I don't want my child to be around people that choose it when they could easily work, thats not setting a good example or work ethic.
And yes we may actually have a baby before the wedding.
Make sure you and so are on
Make sure you and so are on the same page before you have a baby together. My exbf (no kids together) had an alcoholic brother that had like 6 DUIs. I mentioned to exbf once that if we ever had kids, that this brother wouldn't be left alone with our baby. He got really aggitated and was adiment that if his brother wanted to spend the day with his neice/nephew he would let him take the baby, whenever he wanted to. And this conversation took place the day this brother stole his car, drove drunk to get more booze and crashed it. Some people really have blinders on when it comes to their family members.
Even now, my Dh's father and smom are not allowed to take my bioson unsupervised. Dh let's them take the skids, but respects my wishes with bioson.
We both agree that our
We both agree that our children won't meet the brother. Fdh hasn't spoken to his brother since that day. And we both agree that our children won't go to mums house, be with his mum overnight, for long periods or without us being there. She would be very careful of what she said/did to my child while I was around I think. I can just about cope with this compromise. I want it to be as subtle as possible that it is limited, not sure how easy that will be.
I would trust fdh's sister 100% with our child, I count her as a close friend. I would actually have to say 'don't take baby to your mums/leave baby alone with her' though which could be awkward.
He says that now, with the
He says that now, with the incident fresh in his mind. Just make sure you guys are still on the same page when the time comes.
Thank you, I will. I don't
Thank you, I will. I don't think he will change his mind but I guess you never know. One good thing is that I think he will respect my wishes when it comes to how I want our children to be raised, its something I feel strongly about. He quite often asks me how I think he should discipline his son, how would I do things differently and then tries to do those things etc. I think he actually feels like he's a bit clueless about parenting- when he's amazing considering the upbringing he must have had. Obviously its a whole different subject when it comes to contact with his family but he knows that I know best and that I will just want whats best for the children (including ss-though I obviously never say don't do this or that).