Dude: you are cordially invited to 'bond' with my step kids for the next two weeks. What is your address I will drop them off.

I understand your advice, but for some of is it isn't just "that easy"

I met my SK's when they were 9, that was 7 years ago. Things went well for a while, until the realization hit that I was probably more than just a once-in-a-while girlfriend. Then I was on the receiving end of BOTH barrels, SK's and BM.

I'm sure it's viewed as if I'm a prison warden in my home. HOWEVER, I have 2 children whom I am totally responsible for raising (their father is deceased). I have expectations, I have rules, and they have accountabilities. I will NOT allow "weekenders" to live the easy life and not have the same expectations that my DH and I have for MY children. And yes, I've been called every name in the book by my SK's because my rules (the few I actually have) are different from their mom's house. I expect politeness, please/thank you, I don't allow food/drinks in the bedrooms, EVERYONE has an age-appropriate bedtime, EVERYONE is expected to keep their rooms clean. Sounds horrible, doesn't it? Apparently it's too much to tolerate.

I DID try bonding. We are now at a point where my SK's will not even make eye contact with me. They tell my kids we (my kids and I) "ruined their lives" by myself and DH getting married. No matter how much my DH talks to them about their behavior it doesn't get better, it just gets worse. Now they're using the "don't make me or I won't come over again" card. The XBOX you took away... was it from a child who's with you full time, or a child who is with you 1-2 days every weekend or every other weekend? My DH knows that any punishment instilled on his children will only be until they return to their mother's house on Sunday afternoon. She has zero expectations, zero rules for them so certainly will NOT continue a punishment at her house (maintaining the most favored status in her children's eyes).

So not all of us zip around on our brooms, or pace the halls of our household hitting our billy club in our palm. Some of us DID try, and some continue to try. Some succeed, some fail. And with the ages of some of the SK's, it's beyond "spending bonding time" with them. My SK's are close to adulthood. They KNOW what they are doing, and they're damned proud of it. Nobody seems to be able to change their opinions of me nor their behaviors towards me. I decided that as long as my DH doesn't throw me under the bus where they are concerned, then it's not my problem.

But I do believe in karma.

Gee, Golly-I had NO idea it took an effort. You have opened my eyes. If only I knew that it took EFFORT, and I needed to TRY, then everything would be great. :sick:

I don't know if you got the memo, but stepparents aren't PARENTS. It's just a name someone came up with to justify us having to spend our money and time on them-nowhere is there any actual prenting allowed.
And if the kid needs to be in a sport and away from Xbox, let their damn biological parent sign them up.

Well there's the missing piece. Never knew I had to put in effort with this kid. Sadly I've put in more effort than either of this kids bios and it's gotten me a big fat nowhere. Unless you call having my and my 14 year old dd's panties stolen as well as my 12 year olds sons underwear stolen somewhere.

Love the advice and then no response when we disagree...

As for bonding, I tried....Manicures, special meals, shopping only to have her turn on me the minute I wasn't doing something for her. Telling people I hit her, suing us and costing us thousands. Bonding - Yeah, BTDT and have the damn t-shirt. Doesn't work....

The child has to be receptive and most of these free-range kids are definitely not. What worked with SS, was that he was open to someone being there for him. I am doing the mom stuff for him, but I disengaged in the begininng and now have stepped back in since we have him fulltime. He is nice and not hostile...SD was never going to work. She wanted Daddy to herself and no rules...Thankfully, she doesn't live here anymore....

Next time, you think it is so simple to "bond", with these kids and that we are just not trying, go to Ivillage and post, they like people like you there.....

member for 18 minutes - of course!

wow! thank you for such an enlightening post! i'm so glad someone put it into such simple terms for me! now i know exactly what to do after 7 years to make things awesome! cuz i'm a dumb ass and didnt try to begin with, i just waltzed in, stole daddy, and started barking orders at sd! you've just saved all of our relationships with your deep wisdom! :sick:

Responses so much better than orig. post! I cringe at some of the "I hate my SK and want them to die" posts...but understand what can drive a person to that point. Things have calmed down but it takes very little to bring it all back up.

Yeah I hate my skids. Didn't start out that way; and I often feel guilty about it but quickly realize: this is what they wanted -- to keep me at arms length and BM near & dear to their hearts. Loyalty? Stupidity? Combination. And DH supported them not me was icing on the cake.

My monkey has a message for you, Dude.

This has to be the same person that posted the WTF post i just read!!!

This advice you gave...did you read it from your box of Fruit Loops this morning?

That's great advice. Could you help me with a few things here. I'd like to try all of this, but there are some glitches in the matrix.

What I found works best is make an EFFORT in having a relationship with the child.

-- Pretty sure I have made an effort. Done, but two way street. If I make an effort and all child does is roll eyes, ignore me, huff when I speak (not being bossy just saying hi), or is mad because dad sits next to me and not her... all the effort in the world can't do anything about HER attitude.

What should I do here?

Being an authoritative figure doesn't mean you are truly being a parent or gain instant respect. You have to put time in with the stepchild - bond plain and simple.

-- That's great unless the child won't spend time with you. Now what do I do?

I think a lot of parents on here don't see it from the child's eye.
New parent bossing them around and not trying to bond is only going to result in pushing each other away. I read over and over again about XBOX issues. Sign the child up for sports or another activity the stepchild is interested in that way you have at least 1 day a week to bond and be supportive instead of being a warden at a prison.

---How does a stepparent sign the child up for anything if a) the bio parent (your spouse) won't help/get involved or encourage and b) if the place you are signing them up says you have to be a parent, or c) the child says no?

Limiting time or completely removing the XBOX (as I did) the child will be a lot happier.

-- What do I do when I limit time on XBOX or whatever other vice and bio parent overrides it?

It's hard being a parent - but be an involved parent not an authoritative warden-like parent.

--Thanks for the all encompassing solutions. However, your advice only works for people who have skids who have actual parents to begin with who want to work with the step parent. This is of no use to us who live with people who prefer to give in to their children, who don't want to remain consistent, or who only reactively parent, instead of proactively parent. AND yes we knew they had kids (we all love hearing that one don't we folks???), but we didn't know that they had a psycho baby mama, a poor idea of parenting, and no balls when it comes to saying "no" to their kids.

Thanks for playing.

Thats what I did, I gradually started to enforce some rules, I played with sd then 4 and took her for picnics and stuff, though at one point I did'nt know if I would go white or bald first, I think it would have been much harder if sd was older, it has been a rocky road but on the whole has worked ok, now if she is naughty, I tell her off as a parent would and she accepts it, the fact that things have gone pretty well are down to effort and luck, I don't think Im a child whisperer lol, I know that if I had acted as a parent straight away it would not have gone down well. There are many step parent's on here who have really made an effort and tried so hard, but the skids just hav'nt wanted/appreciated them, they could'nt have done more, I really feel for them, there may be a few that hav'nt made an effort but for the most I feel that they have, if there was a simple solution then there would be no need for this site.

You think we knew what we were getting into? Not exactly that simple.

Things were good when he was 9. We've had a good relationship until recently when he's being hanging out with the neighbor kid that I warned my boyfriend about(get this - it's my stepsister's son who is a bad influence and has gotten SS12 into smoking!). Anyone, for a long time, boyfriend didn't believe his son would do 'this' or 'that' and gave him far too much free reign why I was trying to remain consistent with the same rules I've always had. Keep in mind, SS12 has no rules at BM's who has 2 older sons living with her (both out of HS and one recently out of jail). So, SS12 thinks he should be able to do what he wants at our house as well. Absolutely not!

Did I know what I was getting into? No. In the beginning, boyfriend left much of everything up to me. Recently, he has been in denial about his son and not backing me. Now, I think boyfriend is coming around to seeing his sons crappy attitude for what it is...slowly, but we'll just take it one day at a time.

There is no ONE SIZE FITS ALL solution for stepparenting. One can only take so much after trying and trying. Anyone who thinks there is a simple solution doesn't understand why there is a psychologist on almost every corner waiting to work with blended families in need of counseling!

Dude put down the bong and reply to the shit storm you started! LOL!

It is simple until the BM starts using the Skids as a pawn to destroy whatever semblance of happiness there is in your home.
Blended families are no walk in the park. My situation is no where near as bad as some of the ones I see here, but still, it's not without it's dramas.

I cannot stop crying, the tears they are flowing. An epiphany has come to me, all from the help of The Dude!!!!

Where have you been? Seriously, do you KNOW the years of torture you could have saved all of us here if you would've enlightened us with your wisdom earlier?!

Oh great dude, master of his universe, please return we have so many more questions that need answers. We NEED your guidance, show us the way, share your infinite knowledge.

Why do you tease us Dude? Why do you post the obvious answer to ALL of our problems with your "simple solution" and then run? The clouds have parted and the heavens have opened up and the Dude has desended from his thrown and with a thunderous, authoritative, voice..."I shall teach these puny people from this realm. Thou will hearth me. So let it be written, so let it be done."

LMAO

MAKE EFFORT? Oh buddy I have made effort. I have gone out of my way several times. I have gone beyond what anybody should have to do to try to have a relationship with SD17.
How about these kids making an effort. HAVE RESPECT. AS we SM's ARE HUMAN. WE have feelings. This is hard for us too. You think we like living like this. Yeah just about as much as I like having sand in my crack.

DUDE.

This is a site for step-parents to vent.

Not every blended family has the kind of extreme issues that exist on here. There are some issues on here that are caused by inadequate parenting, some that are just personality issues, sometimes a combinations.

Some families blend easily, and have wonderful experiences. This is not a site for those families.

If you are one of the fortunate people who has blended a family and it worked well, congratulations! You don't need this site. If you want to be on here out of the goodness of your heart, then please do not criticize the members who are on here and venting after trying to establish a relationship. If it was as easy as you make it sound, this site would not exist.

If you have suggestions or advice, it would be best offered to individuals after reading their posts, in response to specific situations.

Thank you, and have a wonderful day.

In my opinion divorced parents with custody should not re-marry until the youngest is 18 meanwhile focusing on their own kids and ignoring their own crotch.

Keep in mind parents without custody would be limited to dating adults who have no custody responsibilities so both men and women are thusly restricted.

Once you have a child all else goes by the wayside. There are no unwounded children in a divorce.

^^oh. there's the other part of the simple solution we were missing here. Now marriage is only about your crotch?

Skrew what your saying sorry dude but like most men ya just dont get it. I have tried the bonding,presents,listening to get a finger in the end. The kids point of view is my mommy SAYS SO. NOT IN MY HOME

Isn't this place to vent?
No one is judging and problems that might look trivial to you, may not be so trivial for the person who's in the middle of it.
I don't have any personal issues with SD, it's everything around her, and that is something that couldn't be predicted (I thought that the only thing I needed was to set ground rules with the BM but Oh boy! I was so wrong)

Seriously? My post required moderation?? :jawdrop:

Hmm I am glad that making effort to bond clearly helped you. To a certain extent I agree, and can relate to what you have said. I have been involved with both sides of the arguement.

My FDH didnt get on with my bd8 when he first met her. He was a bit of an arse towards her in the begining because he behaved like a child and didnt enjoy sharing me with her and thought that because he is an adult she must do exactly as he says. She ran rings around him for it, and I let her. I needed to teach him the lesson that she will not respect a person who has no respect for her. When he was about to have a nervous break down I told him the trick was to make effort to bond with her, and give her a little credit where credit is due. He did, and she now adores him. I knew if he changed his attitude that my daughter would change hers. He freely admits that he was in the wrong, and also claims that he thinks shes a really good kid now and that he got her all wrong in the begining.(However he's not likely to say otherwise is he?!)

But my 2 SKIDS ss5 sd8, are a TOTALLY different kettle of fish! I do try to bond with them. I organise fun days out / craft activities at home, we take them to the park, they come to my house, we go to their dads house, we watch dvds together, ive brought them comics, plaited SD's hair...

And for the most part they actually like me. But also for the most part, BM is telling them not to. They get shouted at and beaten for having fun with us. They get told that apparently they didnt have fun with us, because according to BM we are always trying to spoil their fun and make them unhappy.
The SKIDS are confused and quite often difficult to be with because they are getting mixed emotions constantly.
Because of the screaming and the tantrums and the lashing out, being rude, quoting their mother saying we're horrible to them, but then telling us that their mother is actually awful to them, I have found it difficult to even like these children. Let alone "bond" with them. I feel desperately sorry for them and wish I could make their lives better (which is probably why i make a point of doing fun things with them even when I dont enjoy their company) but that is as far as it goes.

Trying to bond doesnt always solve anything. But its worth a shot I agree.

Hmm I am glad that making effort to bond clearly helped you. To a certain extent I agree, and can relate to what you have said. I have been involved with both sides of the arguement.

My FDH didnt get on with my bd8 when he first met her. He was a bit of an arse towards her in the begining because he behaved like a child and didnt enjoy sharing me with her and thought that because he is an adult she must do exactly as he says. She ran rings around him for it, and I let her. I needed to teach him the lesson that she will not respect a person who has no respect for her. When he was about to have a nervous break down I told him the trick was to make effort to bond with her, and give her a little credit where credit is due. He did, and she now adores him. I knew if he changed his attitude that my daughter would change hers. He freely admits that he was in the wrong, and also claims that he thinks shes a really good kid now and that he got her all wrong in the begining.(However he's not likely to say otherwise is he?!)

But my 2 SKIDS ss5 sd8, are a TOTALLY different kettle of fish! I do try to bond with them. I organise fun days out / craft activities at home, we take them to the park, they come to my house, we go to their dads house, we watch dvds together, ive brought them comics, plaited SD's hair...

And for the most part they actually like me. But also for the most part, BM is telling them not to. They get shouted at and beaten for having fun with us. They get told that apparently they didnt have fun with us, because according to BM we are always trying to spoil their fun and make them unhappy.
The SKIDS are confused and quite often difficult to be with because they are getting mixed emotions constantly.
Because of the screaming and the tantrums and the lashing out, being rude, quoting their mother saying we're horrible to them, but then telling us that their mother is actually awful to them, I have found it difficult to even like these children. Let alone "bond" with them. I feel desperately sorry for them and wish I could make their lives better (which is probably why i make a point of doing fun things with them even when I dont enjoy their company) but that is as far as it goes.

Trying to bond doesnt always solve anything. But its worth a shot I agree.

sorry for double post... connection issues

thank you mr knowitall dude, you made me laugh. i wish you happy trails in your easy journey.
god hwere is hte eye rolling symbol!!! maybe 99, or @@? we need it for mr knowitall dude

Hey Dude I checked your profile -- I am not surprised that you had no difficulty making friends with a 14YO guy.

Not gonna bite this time

I have to wonder how TheDude's wife feels about their perfectly blended family? Betchya she's a member here and vents regularly, while the Dude is smoking his crack pipe!!

Dude....you haven't been a step parent long, have you?
Just wait...it gets better. (sarcasm) Lol!!!

It's different for men who have step kids, you are the "provider" in most cases, helping their mom out. As a step mom its a whole different story, we are the "nurtures" and unfortunately in that role we are easy to step on.

Oly crap - these responses have me in hysterics - GOLD!!

Dude, I actually agree with you. However, there is far more to it than just bonding and spending time with the Skid(s).

As for the XBox tactic - Brilliant. I did it myself. When he was ~14yo I locked up the controllers and never gave them back. End of videogame mindless crap from teh kid.

Sports - Also did this one. It works ... to a degree.

When I married my bride I agreed to be my son's (SS's) dad. I became dad when he was ~15mos old. It took a bit of time but my wife and I ultimately arrived at a working colaborative parenting strategy. The strategy was ..... If you don't like how I discipline the kid then you better step up and take care of it before I have to.

This also worked for both of us.

The key is collaboration, accountability and being a parent. A parent is not a friend, a buddy, a jailor, or a drill Sergeant.

A parent is a Mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian. These are the rolls that make a successful parent regardless of biological status or not. For one parent to be successful it takes both parents in the home to participate and by participating both will be successful.

My zero tolerance model worked. Sure, it had the occassional repricussion that had to be dealt with but one thing it did not do was tolerate unacceptable behavior from a kid.

So, bond with your Skid(s), give them a hug, be supportive but when appropriate put your foot up their ass when they behave unacceptably. And even more importantly, put your foot up your SO's ass when they refuse to do their duty as a parent and a spouse.

All IMHO of course.