Wedding night
I know this is going to make me sound horrible. And it's a terrible way to start off a marriage, but I am not backing down. Would like other opinions.
We had out wedding planned on a "kidless" weekend, but now it's a "kid weekend". I have asked him to see if she will pick up the kids at the reception and keep them the next day. We will keep them the following weekend as well, so she can have some free time.
Well it's almost here and he hasn't asked her. I have flat out told him kids are to be gone from the reception by 9. If he doesn't make arrangements for the kids he will need to bring them home. I will not be home until party is over. I have made arrangements for mine to be taken care of.
I feel this is totally a case of "I don't want to make her mad" vs I want to spend a special night with you and will do what it takes to make it happen.
Am I crazy or just mean?
You don't sound horrible but
You don't sound horrible but very very reasonable.Is he nuts not to organise it?????I would tell him this is mandatory and he has to organise it now.He needs to put his wife wirst, not his ex or his kids.Its your wedding!!!!
... You're crazy if you're
... You're crazy if you're going to marry a man that would rather piss you off and have you spend your wedding night with the stepkids than piss off the woman he's no longer with.
It doesn't matter if he gets his parents, his siblings, his best friend or the babysitter from down the street to take them, but you both planned and agreed to a kid-free wedding weekend. If he can't even respect that and take care of it, what makes you think you're ever going to be his priority? Wedding nights are not for watching children. If he doesn't get that or he'd rather "not rock the boat" with his ex over the issue, he won't rock the boat over any issue.
I'd ask him what he plans on doing about this and if he shrugs, puts you off or accuses you of being mean or hating his kids... I wouldn't be walking down an aisle and making vows to this man, he won't be holding up his end of things.
I TOTALLY AGREE... IF THIS
I TOTALLY AGREE... IF THIS NIGHT ISN'T ENOUGH TO HAVE HIM TAKE CARE OF HIS BUSINESS, NO NIGHT WILL... AND ONCE YOU ARE MARRIED, IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE, MUCH MUCH WORSE...
Instead of going "black and
Instead of going "black and white" here, why not compromise??
Find someone, a sitter, neighbor, church member, someone else with small children who will be leaving early, etc... to take over the responsibility of the kids that night. No need to "swap" with BM, especially if it will cause headaches. Ask a grandparent, even.
The weekend is HIS weekend, apparently. It's HIS responsibility to make it work. (Not yours or BM's.) Find a sitter. Problem solved.
SMH, always amazes me how we dig our heels in and refuse to look outside the box.
He's a parent. He has a
He's a parent. He has a responsibility to find suitable arrangements for them. Simple.
She's a parent, too, and she made arrangements.
But for him to be too chicken to ask anyone, and for her to say, "well, tough shit, then, I'm staying to party without you," is just the perfect depiction of why this marriage is likely to fail.
Re-read the OP. The wedding
Re-read the OP.
The wedding was originally planned for a kid free weekend.
Something has happened in the lead up to change that so she has now asked him to make other arrangements for them.
NOT at all unreasonable considering it's her freakin wedding night.
He needs to step up and do what is required - doesn't matter WHO he asks to take the kids but he needs to make arrangements as per their agreement.
I wouldn't be marrying him unless he does it. As the others have said, if he can't put this in place on your wedding night you will never be a priority for him.
exactly, how come that some
exactly, how come that some posters got the impression it was kids weekend??Those two planned their wedding on a kids free weekend and it is now NOT kids free anymore.
OMG, is this THAT hard to
OMG, is this THAT hard to comprehend???
It clearly IS a "kid weekend" as OP said she's "taken care of" her kids that weekend and now SO has to take care of his.
It is clearly NOT a kidless weekend. It may have *originally* been planned on one, but that is no longer the case.
Either they both swapped weekends with their exes (I doubt) OR they moved the date of the wedding.
Marriage is about compromise. He needs to find a sitter for his kids, and she needs to not be of the "I'll do whatever I want without you!" mindset...or...this marriage is doomed. Before it evens starts.
ahem.... assuming facts not
ahem.... assuming facts not in evidence.
For all YOU know, her kids are with them full time.... and she has made arrangements for her kids.
The wedding was arranged for a KID FREE weekend, meaning the weekend the skids should have been with their mother....
that has somehow changed and she is asking that on their wedding night he make other arrangements for his kids.
Do you SERIOUSLY believe that she should compromise on her wedding night? Sometimes I think you like to argue just for the sake of it...
"Do you SERIOUSLY believe
"Do you SERIOUSLY believe that she should compromise on her wedding night? Sometimes I think you like to argue just for the sake of it"
i'm thinking yes and yes. of course the night should be sacrificed! after all, she's just the stepmother, no big deal. what the BM wants is what matters! and arguing is a freaking olympic sport for some people. too bad they never place.
Like most visitation fathers
Like most visitation fathers he lives in abject fear that she will turn the kids against him. And it a very real and valid fear so don't think to dimly of him for feeling that way.
Do you have children? What will you think if suddenly they said to you "I don't want to live here anymore" and you knew damn well their father would take them in an instant.
He is not going to change. If you cannot live with this then don't get married. Harping on him everytime he is supposed to ask something of his ex will not make it happen and will add to the undermining of your marriage. With all second marriages with children involved the foundation is very unstable to start with. Take the guy as he is or don't take him at all.
See if your parent/friend/sibling will take them in if an emergency comes up. Then tell your husband of the plan. He knows this will piss off the ex much more than asking her to take them and will probably goad him into asking her. If not your parents/friends/siblings can do the deed.
When the wedding was planned
When the wedding was planned it was on a weekend we didn't have his kids. (mine live with us... But are much older and his are too little to stay alone).
We switched weekends With her because she had had work issues and needed To change weekends.
To the commentators that he is such an asshole and worthless. Your clueless. I wasn't asking your opinion of him but of the situation. Oh yeah don't go there with me.
His ex is very manipulative and tells the kids all kinds of shit and has caused MAJOR emotional issues for them.
To those who were sincere in their responses. He did ask her today when she picked up kids. She SAYS she will pick them up no problem. He does agree with her history we will find a back up sitter. Just in case.
Sounds like rationality and
Great to hear, enjoy your wedding night
Good idea to get a back up
Good idea to get a back up sitter, make sure all is waterproof and enjoy your wedding!!!
Ok, I read that as NOT the
He didn't change it ON the wedding weekend to accommodate the ex...
That's my take on it anyhow.
No he didn't change just on
No he didn't change just on the wedding night. It happened about 4 months ago. Neither one of us was thinking about the wedding. He didn't just oh by the way I Changed weekends. The 3 of us discussed the weekend change then and at the time it didn't occur to either of us.
I don't think you are crazy
I don't think you are crazy at all. It's your wedding, hopefully the only one you will ever have! I don't think its unreasonable for him to make sure his children are taken care of, it should be a priority for him as well.
Your post has made me think of my own fears regarding a future wedding with my BF and it really makes me want to elope! No kids to interfere with a special day between two people! Good luck to you!