Not Feeling Very Optimistic
So go figure all the people feeling the same things, having the same thoughts, behaving in similar ways.. and I thought perhaps I was insane... If I am, I'm not alone.
Been with my BF for about 2.5 years - we bought a house a few months ago...despite all the drama from the Ex and his DD - the one that has dissed him so many times and in so many ways, I seriously don't have the words. Long story short, she eventually told her DF to "go fck himself" and he has no relationship with her anymore. The ex is the absolute most despicable, greedy piece of crap and her sense of entitlement is something she has carefully distilled into her kids.
He has his son every other weekend. WELL, let me clarify - every other weekend convenient to him and his mother. So she takes the son out of town during dad-time 2 weeks ago and I get stuck with having him Valentine's weekend because "I haven't seen him in 3 weeks and it's my weekend". And here we go again... He gets his son at 6:00 on Friday evenings and brings him back (to a meeting location) Sunday nights at 8. 'Cept this weekend, he picks up the kid at 8 (gets home at 9 it's a drive) and takes him back Sunday at 4 because "it's cold out". So I get to basically babysit Valentine's day.
I swear to god, I could literally drop dead on the floor when this kid is in this house and the BF would never notice. This child is 14 years old (going on 9) and they are stapled together every second of the time he's here. I mean every second. So like so many others here on this site, I try to fill my day with anything, literally ANYTHING to keep myself busy during all the alone time. When I just can't figure anything else to do, I typically just hang out in my bedroom and try to sleep it off. Now I'm obsessing over the fact that every holiday weekend this summer happens to be his "Kid Weekend". Every one. Oh, and my birthday, too. Good times....
It's impossible to do anything with this kid... I refuse to do anything or go anywhere too far away from the house and/or that costs any real money because lo and behold, 30 minutes in, he'll start being a whiny pain in the ass. We went to the beach one day last summer... asked him "do you want to go to the beach"? he says yes - okay great - something we can all do. He wore jeans. Full length blue jeans on a hot day at the beach. Guess how long that lasted? Or how about dinner - we go to a nice Italian place. He doesn't like anything. Really? Nothing? I know, why don't you order something that you can't even pronounce that costs a ton and then leave it untouched on the plate. That's always a fun tried and favorite behavior. I love nothing more than burning through money watching this child simply waste every portion of food I've ever seen on his plate.
The fact of the matter is, this just doesn't work. My BF cannot balance me and his child. It's apparently all or nothing. I can hardly get over the past weekend, and before I know it the next one is imminent.
I hate it.
Well, a few things - It's my
Well, a few things - It's my house - its completely in my name as is the mortgage. He put up 50% of the down payment. The ex destroyed his credit, and I don't trust her as far as I can spit so the rule was, if you can't be on the mortgage, you can't be on the deed.
I'm not subtle. Not at all. So I made my opinions about his kids and their paramount dysfunction really clear to him... the way he was still being controlled by the Ex, the way his kids only spoke to him when they wanted something. (His son actually asked his father to buy him a boat. A friggen Boat! (My bf makes about 75,000 a year and gives well over half of that to the ex). They're all nuts. I was ready to leave him over it all - I did not sugar coat it - not a bit. He completely understands my feelings about all this crap. He said he understood - he made the decision to move forward fully informed.
I have tried with this kid. I was making some strides with the kid, right up till the time the ex caught wind that we were looking for a house. Funny thing, that was just before the BF ended up in court being sued by the ex for more money for his daughter's college. (It should be noted that his divorce agreement Clearly Spells Out that there is no money for college). This after months of the Ex disregarding their agreement and refusing to drive the son to the agreed upon location for the weekend with their father. I literally all but threatened his life if he EVER drove round trip both ways again EVER (about 150 miles, btw). Each weekend, I watched as this kid wanted EVERYTHING from EVERY PLACE we would walk into. I started to count the dollars of all the food he didn't touch, all the things that were purchased and discarded in a matter of minutes. Typical weekend about $200.00 in wasted BS. And the constant texts from the ex - holy crap. I made him block her number completely. "You owe me 18.00 for dress alterations with a photo of the bill". Enough. Keep your crazy ex-family to yourself, I want nothing to do with it.
Fast forward... He finally saw it "BING" the light bulb went off in his head. When he stopped being a schmuck the BS finally stopped.
The thing is, I don't know what the thing is. These people don't talk - big huge elephant in the room - not a word. Buy something - that'l fix it. This kid is sneaky and does things purposely to piss me off. His father never says a word.
I hear ya about taking the
I hear ya about taking the skid whenever it's convenient issue. We have SS6 EOWE too, but we haven't had Skidly for the past two scheduled visitations because we had a major snowstorm that caused the first missed visitation, and we missed the second one because DH was sick. I found the "sickness" excuse ironic. DH didn't want to get Skidly sick, but he's okay with having Skidly here when the kid is sick. Doesn't matter that I don't want to be infected by the skid's nasty germs.
So we've been skid free for 5 weekends, which has been fantastic! But usually the missed visitations are due to BM wanting to take the skid on DH's weekend or DH wants to go off and do some guy thing so he will give up his weekend.
Of course, DH then always wants to take the skid for an extra weekend, which would mean 3 full back-to-back weekends with the skid. Uggh. So I always say no way. I don't want my skid-free weekends upended because DH and the BM can't arrange their schedules. Not my f'ing problem. But then DH accuses me of hating his kid, etc... Umm, no I just know how to plan things. So frustrating.
I have no problem keeping myself occupied the weekends DH has Skidly, aside from the annoyance of having to share space with a poorly behaved brat. Skidly is usually attached to DH's butt and is always touching DH or kissing him in weird places like his elbows. Nauseating. But I don't like having the EOWE schedule disrupted. It's not that hard to schedule things in advance. I have to do it all the time based on DH's schedule. So it baffles me that DH and the BM can't manage it. It's not like it's rocket science.
Anyway I feel your pain, believe me. This coming weekend we're supposed to have Skidly. And even though we already have 4 feet of snow, I'm hoping and praying for more.
Oh dood, I feel your
Oh dood, I feel your pain.
Your opening sentence was right: we all go through similar stuff.
By the way, how come YOU had to baby sit on Valentines day? And as for the special occasions..... I believe that all relationships should strive for coming to 50 / 50 compromises as much as possible. So therefore, could you sit your SO down, and say "Out of all the special occasions that fall on your son access weekends... could we maybe have him for 50% of them, and not for 50% of them? Especially on my birthday and future valentines day?"
It's interesting reading everyone's posts on this site. My SO used to be so much worse, but he's changed and improved so much. I went through what you went through, especially feeling neglected by my SO when SS was around. Also, the possibility of us breaking up has come to the table many times as well. But my SO and I are still here, 5 years later!!!!
And how about THIS for a story for you.... for me, MY birthday is on Valentines day!!!! And this year, my partner's access visit didn't fall on it! However, my SO knows that I would have raised holy hell, and put my foot down to his son coming to stay on this double special occaision weekend,
However, listen to this: The previous weekend was his access weekend . And guess what? My SO had to go for a weekend out of town for a Bachelor party! I put pressure on him to go to it, saying "You have to go! It's your cousin". So he went, and went without his son.
He organised for HIS father, (and SS's grandfather) to take him for the weekend. But during the coming week, his Ex texted him and said "He doesn't want to go to his grandfathers. Can't you just have him the next weekend?"
And my partner said "No". THen he said that he often works on non-access visit weekends, which is often true.
Now THIS weekend is the next access weekend, and it will run as normal. But the NEXT time an access weekend is scheduled, my Partner has to go out of town again, for his sisters' engagement party!!! And we won't be able to have him again the very following weekend, because THAT weekend is his cousins' wedding!!! And we have to go far away for that. Let's see what the ex says!
I hear you when you say that you fill your day with anything to keep busy while your SS comes to stay. Why don't you go away with friends and get out more?
And as for $200 being wasted on your SS.... who's money is getting wasted? Yours or your partners?
You said that you would raise holy hell if your partner did all the driving. Why can't you do the same in regards to this money being wasted?
If the same amount of money was being wasted on my SS, I'd really go bananas!!!!
The worst that's ever happened to us was: one time, I took him out myself to a buffet restaurant. I paid $12 for him, and he ate barely anythhing. Then later that night, he was whining for snacks. Grrrrrr!!!!!! And another time, we all went to the movies. My partner paid about $50 in tickets, popcorn and coke. THen 10 mins into the movie "Thor", SS (who was 7), got scared and wanted to go. My poor SO was so frustrated, that he was hyperventilating.
But we all have slightly different things about our circumstances as well.
My poor man has had to do ALL the driving for the past 5 years, simply because his ex simply does't have her licence!