Yes it can work. I separate my feelings for skids from my feelings for my husband. I think of them as irritating coworkers.

i think a lot depends on how much time skid spends at your house. if it is a few days a month - it will work
but if something happens and BF becomes the custodial parent, i could see a LOT of problems.

good luck

If you live together it's hard to avoid having at least some of these behavior problems filter into your daily life. Likely you will come to resent the need to schedule time away from the house or the constant double family life going on in your home.

The other thing I think many people come to terms with as they try to resolve the conflict that is a blended family is that it's not so much that you dislike the kid, it's that he isn't being parented to correct those behaviors. And that falls back on the parent's. You may find that you resent your SO for not dealing with it.

Really, when you look at all the annoying, irritating ways that kids act that people on here vent about, really think about the true behavior - most of them are typical adolecent actions that any kid with no correction would evolve into.

I know for me that my biggest resentments come from the fact that DH does nothing to change the person his child is becoming.

I think it depends on who has custody. I found I could manage it if it was only every other weekend, holidays,ect-when we switched to full custody with bm having NO visitation-meaning he was present 24/7 I couldnt do it-I threw in the towel after 4 months. My dh threw in the towel too though and he is currently residing with my mil.

I dont think I could ever agree to ss14 living here again;however, if at some point my dh wanted him to do visits I think I could manage those-as we have in the past. But I would make sure to make lots of plans with girlfriends, my kids, etc on those weekends. I would encourage him to be out of the house as much as possible spending one on one time with his kid in order to assist with putting up with the irritating coworker.

Honestly, I don't think it can unless you have absolutely nothing to do with your skid and even that can change. My marriage was effectively over when SD15 moved in with us full time. I can't stand her. She can't stand me. Life was hell living together. I found a way to get rid of her but in the end, our marriage couldn't survive and my DH filed for divorce.

Only if your SO can put your needs before his kids will it ever work.

Well the kid is going to be in your house part of the time and if something happens to mother all of the time. At around at 13/14 a boy should really come and live with his father. It takes a mother to raise a boy and a father to raise a man.

So the worst years, the most difficult to control him years, are likely to be full time at your home. Of course you can veto it but it may raise animosity.

I always advise to not marry or shack up. All that can wait until the kids are grown when you'll have decades together. Date - tryst at the local motel or at home when kids are not around but don't share a house. That's my advise.

TASHA, girl, I think since he KNOWS going in, u should be good! I'm marrying a guy who's kid i can't stand, as you know, but i just try to separate my love for him from my dislike for the kid. he already knows i don't like him, and he prolly don't love mine either. that's fine, I can live with that. i have enough love and affection etc. for my own kids that i'm ok with them not getting some from fiancee. just discipline them ALL the same and i'll be happy. OH, and my skid-free day today was awesome....cheers to summer tuesdays and fridays!!!

I agree it depends on what you consider success in a relationship. Let me tell you my story. I'm in a seven year relationship with a wonderful man. I'm childfree and never wanted to be with a man with kids, but I find that when you're over 30 the dating pool is full of divorcees and you don't have the luxury to make kids a deal breaker if you want a real man and not a boy. When I met him his kids were 11 and 8, boy and girl. I never liked them, but I always put a good face, and learned how to fake it like the best of them. At that age the children were still hoping for their parents to get back together, so I had to put up with a lot of comments from them, always telling stories from when they were a family unit, etc. But I never let them get to me because they were stupid little children trying to scare me away. When their mother remarried, I thought their attitude towards me would change because getting their parents back together was no longer an option, but then they became teenagers and things got worse. I don't live with my boyfriend, but I stay at his house on the weekends, and his children come every other weekend. At this point I ignore them. They expect me to be at their beck and call, they treat me like a housekeeper. And then they talk smack about me to their mother, who is this horrible stupid person who doesn't validate my relationship with my boyfriend because we're not married, even though we've been together for over seven years. We have no plans to marry, and I'm very content with our arrangement at least until his kids are grown and he doesn't have to pay support. We live in a country were you have to pay child support until the kid is 21 yrs old, and then you're expected to help thru college and such, it never ends. But to answer you question, I don't think the relationship can survive if you don't like or at least get along with his children. Mine has, but only from a dating standpoint, he's never proposed cause he knows his children and I don't mix. At least you can be honest with your man and he understands, or he says he does, maybe he's faking it too. In my relationship everybodys feelings are known, my boyfriend knows his children and I hate each other, but none of us are allowed to say anything for his sake. I think we all fear who would he choose if given an ultimatum. I know I would lose, but at least he has made clear to his children that they have no say in who he dates, as long as I don't mistreat them our relationship survives. I barely tolerate them. Sometimes they skip a visitation weekend and that makes me so happy cause that will mean like a month without seeing them. My biggest wish would be for them to disappear from his life altogether, like moving to another country. And my biggest fear is that they suddenly had to live with my boyfriend, because that would be the end of us as a couple. He has rooms for them in his home like they live there fulltime when they don't. I'm not even allowed to store anything in either room, such good space wasted away, he could have a home gym, or a walking closet even, but he prefers to have these stupid shrines for two ingrates that doesn't want to stay there anyway. My ultimate goal is to marry him, but I have to wait it out until the child support is over because I don't want to sign a stupid prenup. What I would've given for him to be a dead beat dad...

I'm currently living this everyday w/ss10. He lives with us. And I cant stand him. It WOULD work for us if DH was on board. But hes not. Sounds like ur bf IS on board so youre one step ahead of me. Congrats and enjoy cuz it could be a lottttttttttttttttttttttttttt worse - believe me. I highly recommend reading "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin

You didn't say how long you've been together or if you live together but since he's an active and involved father, chances are high that he is telling you this right now because he is still drawing you into the relationship. Once you get "caught", by moving in or somehow dependency is created, he may very well change his tune.

Now I am not saying he is deliberately manipulating you right now. He probably means what he says. It is just likely that if you move into a more womanly role in his home - especially if you move into his place - his feelings about it are probably going to change.

I agree with put this to the test right now. So far the policy is avoidance but it is also true that boys will often want to live with their fathers as manhood approaches

Over time, if he avoids his own son to have fun with you and your son, the guilt is going to eat him alive. And honestly, in the end, you do not want a man who is willing to give up his son. That's not the kind of character you want in a mate for yourself nor do you want your own son to grow up and do that.

I agree with stepmisery.

You don't want a man that shirks his responsibility. Cancelling time with his son to have time for you and your son is immature and shortsighted IMHO. I haven't bonded with my SD12, but I encourage the two of them to spend time together. (it makes him happier when he comes home)

It used to be easier- now we live together and EOW is tense and anxiety ridden for me. He does take 98% of the responsibility of child care. He wants me to establish a relationship though, and I don't want to but bc I love him, I will.

Our wedding is next year and I refuse to let a 12yr old run my life.

My DH dislikes my 6 year old high-functioning autistic son. I admit before I met him I let my son get away with much more than he should have so now we're slowly teaching him respect, sharing and not talking back. We have good days and bad days but in all my son know's better than to pull half the crap he does. Believe me some of it drives me crazy too. As for DH 2 kids they are pretty well behaved although they don't listen to dad then I will step in and ask them "is that what your dad told you to do" They get the point really quick!!! Sadly BM allows the kids to walk all over her and it makes me so mad but it makes me understand why the kids try to get away with not listening.

:jawdrop:

You think that this is some kind of joke? The boy needs his dad and you wishing that he were a deadbeat dad is pathetic and disgusting IMO.

My father has been neglecting me since I was ten years old. And you know what? From that moment on I started self-harming myself. It went on for fifteen years before I finally plucked up courage to deal with it and talk to someone. I also took drugs etc. Nothing good will ever come of it, I'm telling you. So put aside your selfish desires and think about what the consequences might be.

Even though you might not like him, that's your own problem. A parent who neglects his/her children is a a pathetic excuse for a parent. Jesus.

well everyone has their own definition of "success" and "work". While most of everyone here who commented said "yeah, but....." they are already IN the situation of marriage or living together in a commited relationship.

I'm curious on how many of these that say "yeah it works, but...." would say to the question if you should pursue the marriage/move in together road?!!!

I ask, cause if it is "working" then you would also say, "yes move in together, yes get married...." ??????!!!!!

IMO, no it doesn't "work" it just IS. You either can tolerate it, or you can't. You either develop coping mechanisms or you don't. But the majority of the time there is a relationship somewhere somehow strained.
I have been in this stupid step world my whole life and it sucks, and while your bf may have his intentions in the right spot right now stating that he would do all the work, it's his job, etc....it NEVER stays that way. It just doesn't.

So my advice, just keep dating the way you are. Don't wanna be around his kid? then don't. Wanna get married? Do it AFTER the kid grows up. Set up a "dating" schedule around his visitation. Will it suck?! YUP. To me, it's the lesser of the two evils.

No! It won't work!!! Get out now!!!

Of course it can work girl...that's why we have steptalk....most of us play 'nice' in public to our skids, then come here and tell everyone how much we can't stand them! My fiancee is GREAT, he loves me to the ends of the earth, will do anything and everything for me, even likes my kids, sex is great, we're getting married in August, etc. So he has a nightmare kid, I deal with him by getting rid of him as often as I can to the grandparents, workout a lot, drink wine, and STEPTALK