The difficulty with the mythical wonderful deceased and unremembered or distantly remembered bioparent is that the kid will always regard that parent from the perspective of a fairy tale at least until adulthood if not their entire life.

Instead of a teady bear to complain to when she is punished by you or her dad she has the fairy tale BM. So, she misses someone because they are the fairy tale and she has memories of her mother that were gained when SD was a young child.

My wife's BioDad was killed in a single vehicle accident before my MIL knew she was even pregnant with my wife. My wife has recounted how her BioDad was this amazing man in her fantasies while she was growing up. It wsa not until my wife became an educated viable adult that she was able to come to the conclusion that her BioDad was probably not such a great person to fantasize about. My wife's paternal GrandParents were alcoholic chain smoking people, her surviving aunts and uncles are all drug addicts and alcoholics. Of the three fist cousins (my wife and her uncles x2 daughters) only my wife has managed a successful career and marriage. Once cousin has multiple oowl children by multiple fathers and the other though degreed is in a neglectful marriage that she stays in only because of her children.

Though she has feelings of sorrow and wonder about her BioDad and what her childhood would have been had he survived, as an adult she understand that her Dad (the one that raised her) is a good man and that she loves him very much. In fact, my wifes dad (stepfather) is the person in her family that she is closest to and my wife is the child he is closest to. My wife has 3 younger sibs who are her StepFather's BKs.

From your above post it sounds as if your daughter recognizes and understands taht you are her mom. The way you handle it is very nice. I would suggest that you make one minor change. When you text her back or tell her that her BM would like her to be happy take the opportunity to throw in a "and she would really be happy is you cleaned your room and not make your dad and I punish you."

That's so sweet!! BUT lol I am widowed and my bios would bring up Daddy when they were getting scolded I had enough once and said "yes me to because he would just smack your behind and be done with it and I could be reading my book" it's definantlly sad to lose a parent at such young ages but the kiddos often forget these passed parents would still be parents not a best friend lol

Once a child goes to bed, all electronics should be shut off for the night.

When she texts you, immediately tell your DH so he can go talk to his daughter. No need to let her emotionally manipulate you, even kids from original intact families will attempt to play parents off each other. If she's in trouble for not doing her work, let her sulk and don't try to make it better for her.

"it's like one minute she wants me, then the next she doesn't..."

count for the age also. them adolesent years are not fun.

Why do you take it personally? At least she is expressing her feelings to you. It's not a competition but you will never replace her mother so give it up. She can care for you, too. Detach! The safest route is zero expectations. She is not giving you mixed messages! Both are true--she misses her mother and she is starting to care for you. Don't give a child power to push your insecurity buttons.

I have no expectations that my SKs will ever do more than tolerate me. I don't expect them to "love" me. My DD had a "step mother" for a while--a woman my EX dated for years. She had a bedroom for DD at her house and sewed her cute outfits. Was I jealous? NO! I thanked her once for taking such good care of my DD. She looked surprised. I am sure my EX told her a lot of bad things about me--he was emotionally abusive that's why I left him and crushed his little ego.