Husband chooses myself and our kids over 35 and 32 year old stepkids
I am new to this site but am really looking for some encouragement as my husband has made the huge sacrifice of choosing myself and our family over his 2 adult kids and 2 small grandkids.
A little background information: Me and my husband have been together for 17 years and married for 14. He has two kids from his first marriage a daughter (34) and a son (31). The daughter has 2 kids aged 4 and 1. Together we have 2 daughters who are 9 and 15 years old.
The relationship with his kids has never been easy and there has been a few times where we have aired our feelings out, then it is usually ok for a while and then it starts again.
I have for the last 17 years been laughed at,teased, bad mouthed, swore at, disrespected, publically disrespected and humiliated and this last week was the last straw.
Some instances of her asking me for help choosing her wedding dress as her biological Mum didnt want to, so I stepped in to help her, made the wedding invitations, decorated the venue, only to be ignored totally in the speeches at the end of the night. She thanked everyone else apart from me. We even paid for their honeymoon and have I seen the pictures?? nope not once and not even a postcard. Not one picture of me and them during the wedding and not one picture of me and my step grandson during his christening.
Things came to a head last weekend when while I was at work she texted my husband who was looking after the grandkids at our place and asked if the grandkids could stay overnight as she wanted to go out drinking.
He said he would ask me and ask about my work shifts and let her know. He couldnt get in touch with me as I was working and my phone is usually in my locker. He told her that we wouldnt be taking the kids for the night. She drove here picked up the kids, started swearing and shouting at him about me and that everything is my fault and we never take the kids for night visit. All this took place while my kids were in the house and they heard everything. We have explained to her many times that night visits are out of the question right now as I am studying and working and I work 6 days a week. I need my sleep as I dont sleep well and also the kids still dont sleep through the night. This was told to her already in January that if we dont have anything else then yes we would take them but when we have something or I am working the next day then I am sorry the answer will be no.
Then she moaned about not visiting them, again I am studying for a degree, and working my placement and now working my summer job. This means 6 days a week I am at work. Our youngest daughter is being coached in a gymnastic team and has training 3 times a week, plus extra training and competitions at weekends which are usually out of town. The times we do want to visit she is somewhere else.
I sent her a message saying enough is enough and that I dont want anything else to do with her. She said you can still see the grandkids if you came and fetched them. Then it dawned on me that I am giving her what she wanted. She only wanted my husband and my daughters without me in her life. I came to the conclusion that while ever she got what she wanted and husband went along with this then basically he is accepting what she has done to me.
After a lengthy conversation and rather loud one I spelled out to my husband how this is making me feel. He aknowledged that he has been a wimp over the years and has just let it happen for the fear of upsetting his kids. Husband came to a decision, he said he cannot sit back and watch them hurt me anymore. I gave him the horrible ultimatum of it is us or them.
He called his daughter and told her his choice and why he came to this decision, OMG the S*** hit the fan after that 
She was threatning him, threatning me, calling us rude names and then saying she is gonna kill me. This is where she showed her true colours and I think husband was very shocked.
Then came the text messages to our daughters, saying that adults are stupid. I managed to stop the youngest from seeing hers, but the oldest did see it and did reply saying she is 100% behind us on this as she heard everything she was shouting about.
Husband tried to reason with her about her behaviour but all the hatred towards me came out. Saying she has never accepted me as his wife, I am only the person who lives with her Dad. Leaves the grandkids for me to look after but doesnt accept me.
Husband of course is sad, so am I, I loved those kids and grandkids as my own, never once tried to be their mother accepted who they were. But a person can only take so much and I got tired and tired of being constantly being beaten up.
As a result of this fight my stepson has said he wants nothing else to do with his Dad or our daughters or me. Even though he wasnt here. She called him straight away and told him her version, he is sticking behind her as he has always done in other fights.
What to do?? Help I am close to a nervous breakdown over this issue. I couldnt go on much longer as it was draining all my energy. My own realtionship with my oldest is strained as I have tried to put too much energy and efort into pleasing them and I have neglected the real people who love me.
Is at a loss
Janpes, as alone as you feel
Janpes, as alone as you feel right now, you came to the right place. Your story is several of our stories. First, right now, you have to take care of yourself because you are right, you are close to a breakdown. Block the offenders out of your mind, put notes on your mirror, fridge, hand , whatever to remind you that this is your day and they are not invited into it. (you may have to be cryptic about the note but you will know what it means). You did your best, don't make any rash moves and concentrate on peace surrounded by the ones who truly love you. Come back here and vent. We will be here for you. YOU are not crazy!!! Hugs!
A 35 yr old throwing a temper
A 35 yr old throwing a temper tantrum is beyond belief.Who do these grown woman think they are that they think they can control us?They apparently don't think they need rules.I wouldn't keep any child overnight just so she can go drinking..poor thing.She is a grown woman with kids, it is her responsibily to look after them , not yours.This woman is inconsiderate and selfish.Stick to your guns honey and don't back down to her.My husbands daughter (48)gets her brother involved,..she tells her story and he goes right along with her.( he had the nerve to text his father and ask" what is wrong with me" We were out for a drive, hubby says" going to stop into my sons for a min).I had no choice, we were right there.I stayed in the car because I was not feeling well( radiation treatments )his son and Princess wife came out with thier 3 year old.His son never as much as said "hello"..daughter in law said "hi".Hubby picks up little girl and hugs her, the child was facing me in the car..I waved and smiled at her, she waved back.Then Princess daughter in law goes in the house.We were there 5 mins.Get home ,call from daughter, son wants to know what is wrong with me that I don't get out of the car and ..it does not take rocket science to know people get sick after radiation..why do they want to hurt you when you are down?(her brother texted her complaining) then I hear daughter telling her dad to have a talk with me and straighten me out.( work on me)They got thier dad all upset, but does he say anything..nope.. blames me..I hear him on the phone telling daughter he will have a talk with me and is working on the problem with me..It's all a game to make you look like the bad person.Our husbands need to tell thier kids to back off, if they did, our problems would be pretty much over.Where is the kids grandmother BTW? Good luck !
Thank you for your comments
Thank you for your comments
Towanda, Thanks for the encouragement god knows I really need it right now.
Oldhag, Yes it seems I am good enough for the babysitting job and planning her wedding and lots of other stuff, but not good enough to be anything other than the woman that Dad lives with
Stepaside, Yes he did tell her that he chose me, he could not sit around any longer an accept her bahaviour. We have tried many times in the past to try to slve this problem many other ways and none of them seem to work. Seems she really only did want him and my daughters in her life. I was happy to let them but my husband couldnt sit back and watch me hurt anymore.
These are grown people and I have never tried to be anything other than a friend. Their mother was a poisonous woman who did nothing but B**ch about me all the time and her constant phone calls which last a few years into our relationship didnt help. I have never once said anything bad about their mother or done anything else to offend her(apart from marrying her ex)
Hubby's son is so immature, he hates his Mum and doesnt visit her that much but has really not grown up that much by taking his sisters side.
I feel guilty for making this his choice, but I really could not sit around and do it anymore. My own kids started to get affected by this even with my youngest saying a few days ago that "she doesnt like her as she is too bossy" This from a kids mouth.
I know what we did was drastic but we were left with no choice and I am the one that has to look at the hurt in his eyes everyday. I asked him can he ever forgive me, he says there is nothing to forgive as he was the one who should have stood up to them sooner.
Thank you again for the comments I really am struggling with this one
He said he was cutting her
He said he was cutting her out of his life as he wouldn't tolerate anymore her behaviour.
I also had that niggling in
I also had that niggling in the back of my mind too, but I have to trust that he will do the right thing. He was usually such a wimp and even I was surprised when he took the stance he did.
I really don't think she will ever come back into our lives. lets say she is too proud and stuck up to come crawling back. I don't think he would ever welcome her back anyway. She is already laying on the blame though and telling people that we have abandoned her.
I don't know about the future but right now it is peaceful around here, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can go on with my life without feeling that I always have to please them. I can give love back to those who love me instead of sitting back feeling drained from using my energy on them.
Of course we lose out on seeing our grandkids, but with their mother and biological grandmother poisoining them about us I doubt things would be different in the future. Step grandson half the time doesnt even look at me, let alone talk to me. I think we would just end up going through the same stuff again in the coming years.
I know one thing for sure, she won't be stepping foot in our house, or having anything to do with our family while ever I am walking this earth.
STOP with the guilt, I know
STOP with the guilt, I know its hard however Stepaside is bang on when she says that your skids made your husband choose. They may not have specifically said "dad you must choose between your wife and us" but actions say far more.
Ultimately your sd in particular has declared war on you from word go, not accepting you (SHE said this), blaming you (conveniently) when her dad tells her no (how old is she 5?), throwing tantrums and upsetting YOUR children, being abusive and threatening you (FFS). This type of behaviour does not stop unless that person address their issues, and she won't because the entire situation is NOT her fault. According to her its you.
Yeah, you have been such a henious bitch to her. Helping her with her wedding when her mother wouldnt, paying for her honeymoon (contrary to popular belief that only daddy pays for things), watching her children, putting up with rudeness and slights. You are the definition of evil :O
Look I always find with people like your sd, they are just waiting for any stupid or small opportunity to explode in a poisonous burst towards their target and that never changes. So if sd hadnt freaked out about the babysitting problem, then it would have been something else at another time.
Find some information on emotional terrorists, this article is particularly helpful in understanding people like your sd and how to handle them.
http://www.ejfi.org/DV/dv-10.htm
Right now, I feel you need to completely disengage from your sd's behaviour. As do the rest of your family. Your DH has said your piece and now you need to *manage* the situation as clearly your sd is unable to behaviour in a well balanced way.
So blocking her numbers from the girls phones, emails, facebook, housephone, your phone and maybe even DH's for the moment. If she turns up at the house, agree beforehand with DH how you both will address it. This should include imo, one warning that unless she behaves she will be told to leave. If she doesnt leave then the cops should be called. As for the threats, I do think you need to consider the possibility if her harassment escalates (which you will find they often will due to panic, anger and desperation, and trying to get you all under her control again) you will need to report her threats to the Police.
You need a break from this silly woman in order to get your head clear, to decide how to proceed.
p.s. dont feel bad for wanting a happy life, its insanity to continue putting up with abuse and expecting things to get better.
I agree. He will not change
I agree. He will not change overnight and he will eventually start talking to them again.
He can redeem himself by laying out the boundaries of his adult relationship with his adult offspring. No badmouthing you. No ignoring you. And in turn you will repsect them as adults and ass part of DHs family. Accepting the answer to a request without resorting to screaming. If she screams abuse then no contact for 6 weeks.
Sadly you fell into the trap many of us do. We fill in the gaps of crappy parenting. You filled in for her mother when her mother couldn't/ wouldn't. And in return you didn't get appreciated. Seriously, why did you continue to put out when she didn't give any recognition back? But then do we do the things we do to get a mention in a speech? Or do we do what we do because we want to? See, I wouldn't worry about the non-mention/speech thing. This sets the tone for the future. And MY choice is to either do it because I want to or do it because I want her to see what a terrific person I am and she will mention me to everyone so they all know how terrific and orgnaised I am. Yes, I know. It would be good manners to mention you or thank you or recognise your efforts. But she doesn't. You have to accept that. So either do it willingly without any kind of reward or say "Sorry! Can't help this time."
I wasn't waiting for any kind
I wasn't waiting for any kind of reward, I was doing it because she asked me help. It was just humiliating at the end of the night when she had the microphone in hand that she thanked her husbands sister and parents and then after that her Mum and Dad, even she thanks the aunts and uncles. But nothing for me. My husband then was so angry that we walked out of the wedding reception. I was publically humiliated in from of all her family. The following day they went on their honeymoon paid for by us while I am sitting at home feeling humiliated.
Same for the christening of first grandchild, everyone had their photo taken with him other than me. First parents and child, then god parents, siblings, aunts and uncles, granparents and priest. But no me as her mother doesnt want me in the same photo as her. Again I sit back and say nothing, smile as my heart breaks a little more.
These adult stepkids know exactly what they are doing and need a good kicking for there treatment of others.
Her first reaction when hubby told her was "has the will been made out to your new daughters?" and "Will I tell the kids that you died in a car crash and we don't have a funeral" oh and another good one "Will I call her work place and get her fired" (I helped her get the job in the company as I sat on the board) They are self centred gits that thinks everyones lives revolve around theirs. Whenever we had a get together she was always the centre of attention, do what she says etc...
We both couldn't take anymore hubby saw how withdrawn I would become when he said they were coming to visit. I would just sit and wait until they were gone and breath a sigh of relief.
Fingers crossed he doesnt start going behind my back, if he does then I am out of here, not gonna sit around and get abused anymore.
See this is whre I see if
See this is whre I see if differently and trust me, I have been in the same position but not with stepchildren...yet!
You felt humiliated. She didn't humiliate you by omitting a reference to you. She didn't stand up there and say "And please excuse the crappy decor. My s/mother Janpes decided she would do this and I can only say the woman is an idiot and should be allowed to decorate a dog kennel without supervision. But let's turn the lights down so we don't have to look at the crap and party!" THAT would be humiliating.
I would have seen it as a lesson learnt. "She is ungrateful and RUDE AND I will NEVER left another finger to help her out again." See, they are never going to change, never. So draw your boundaries and ignore her ignorant snotty remarks as spouting froth from someone who is pig-ignorant.
But maybe she didn't mention you in the speeches so as not to upset her mother??? It seems her mother's love and attention is conditional and she KNEW if she mentioned you her mother would have a cow. No, wipe that. She is old enough to stand up to her mother by now. Yes, she is pig-ignorant and rude. Nothing more or less.
Be grateful that he chose you
Be grateful that he chose you and chose to protect and support your family together. Neither of you can help the others anymore anyway. They are adults and have chosen to be who they are. It's easier to be angry at you then to show their mother or father how disappointed they were in them. I told my husband that I never wanted to see my stepkids again after SS was making out with his girlfriend DURING THEIR GRANDFATHERS FUNERAL! Because I confronted them on it...I'm the evil wicked stepmonster. So, now he takes our two boys and meets them elsewhere so I won't be "mean" to the stepkids (who are 28,30,and 31). It makes me sick.
I am so pleased things worked
I am so pleased things worked out in your favor. I am also pleased that your DH finally saw the light. I had to break down and say that I am not willing to have SD 18 living here any longer, she dances, deals in drugs and I want NONE of the dangers associated with that at our door. We had a narrow escape from that one time and I am not going there again. I do not want any of her friends knowing where we live, this is a nice neigborhood and good people live here. I was afraid! I do not want to be a target for some crazed gunman looking for SD because she screwed him over! DH totally agreed with me.
Let the guilt about this go.
Let the guilt about this go. My husband also has had to cut his daughter out of his life. Long story, but it is for the best. He makes zero effort with her and she lives a block away. Even if it hadn't blown up now, it would have eventually. Nothing you say or do, will ever change her feelings for you. Sometimes, we have to make a tough decision and cut toxic people out of our lives.
Let go of the guilt. Everyone
Let go of the guilt. Everyone did what they felt was right. In time things may change for the better, but right now your focus should be on your top priorities. The skids are grown adults and don't need your mental energy wasted on them.
I agree with the posters that
I agree with the posters that say she could return, but after the lines your DH drew in the sand which are deeper than many drawn by BPs on this site, it will always be with less force now I feel. Certainly, make plans and alternative arrangements and provide for all the plans B, C and D that you need, but first and foremost enjoy the peace and the fact that your DH has been able to see clearly. This means that for your own children with him, there will be no enmeshment, no blurring of boundaries, no crappy parenting. I'd say revel in that, sister, this is a truly fortunate outcome.
}:) 
I also agree with the idea that to outside purposes you are seen to react more in sorrow than in anger. After all it is oh so very sad
I just found this site and I
I just found this site and I just have to say that I HATE MY MARRIAGE!!! IT'S A BIG EFFIN LIE! I was married so that my husband would have someone to take care of him and his children. He has never supported me. He has allowed his horrible children to be mean, disrespectful, and worst of all- pretend that I didn't exist. But, it was ME who brought furniture into a cold empty house where the kids were sleeping on the floor. It was me who made warm meals after working all day and being on call 24/7. It was me who sat up for hours helping them with homework and talking to them. It was me looking for them when they didn't come home on time. It was me, crying for them whenever I found them hurt. It was ME taking them to the hospital for xrays or stitches. It was ME, redecorating bedrooms and arranging big birthday parties. It was me leaving work to pick them up from school only to be written up later (regular occurrence---eventually fired). My husband did nothing ever to help me or us become a family. Now, there really is no chance and I'm planning my escape from hell. I HATE MY STEP CHILDREN, MY MOTHER IN LAW, MY HUSBAND. I pretend every day that everything is okay because it's not worth fighting over anymore. I just want to finish rearing my kids while I'm setting up a new career and get the hell out. And, for the record, IF I did leave sooner I would never remarry. I would never do to someone else what this horrible excuse of a family has done to me and my children. I don't think MY kids would ever do the things that the stepkids have done, but it's not worth the hell for any of us. The only good things in all of this are my two boys and they are awesome! I thank God for them every day. And, now, I thank God that I am learning that I am not alone!!!
HOLY CRAP!
HOLY CRAP! Biggestregret...Get you career on track now! You are living in hell and life is too short to stay in this miserable life you have. Go to a woman's shelter if you must but get out now!
Biggestregret-best wishes as
Biggestregret-best wishes as you plan for a new, sane, life!!!
Hugs~
Thank you all for your kind
Thank you all for your kind words and your straight forward comments. They are just what I need at a time like this. Hubby is no longer angry or to think of it sad either. I think he was getting just as worn down by all the constant bitching from her.
The last few days have been wonderful we seem to be falling in love again all over again. No more stresses or tension waiting for the next big argument. Me and hubby rarely fight as iut is and if we did it was usually over something that they had done.
Even though he never stood up for me during the years he is definately doing it now
I still feel guilt to a high degree but hopefully that will subside. The only big problem we have now is that we all live in the same city and it isn't very big and also I sit on a board for a company that she works at. I will speak to the boss and see if we can arrange things another way.
Thanks again to you all and we will get there in the end
I am new on here. At one time
I am new on here. At one time I was a grandmother to a sweet little girl . My SS and DIL knew I was very good with kids . They ask me to be a grandmother to when she was born.She and I had a bond and were very close. She is now 4 and they took her away and wont let me see her. I havent seen her in a year now. We live in the same town. My SS and DIL got mad at me because me and my husband stood up to what was right. So in their madness they took my little grandaughter.My husband has put them in their place about this mess. They say I am no longer family (me or my 26 year old daughter). SS and DIL says only husband can see his grandaughter. My husband stands his ground with them and tells them this mess was their fault and it should be worked out. They wont even think about doing that.Husband told them where his wife isnt welcome then dont bother asking me to any family get togethers. They are so mad about that. Our GD had a birthday party and only my husband was welcome . Husband wouldnt go without me. We got her a gift but they refused to get it cause I picked it out. So she didnt get her gift .Husband kids are really mad cause my husband is telling them they are wrong but its a mess. Glad I stood my ground with them. I think now what a fool I was to be a grandmother to her. I miss her so much.How can a person do that to their child especailly a grandparent even if there is no blood kin like they say i am not now.
Lady that's sooo sad. Just
Lady that's sooo sad. Just breaks my heart! What a wonderful hubby you have for standing up for you to those rotten people. I have always thought kids can never have too many people in their lives to love. They took away a great grandma from their daughter...fools!
My boyfriend badgered me to
My boyfriend badgered me to babysit his grand-daughterfor nearly 6 months. Everytime he asked me to babysit, I said, NO with a hell before it... for all the above reasons. By the way, his daughter32yo is a emotional terrorist, narcissistic, manipulative nut job...She caused me a lot of pain, and of course bf took her side...I hate her, and always will. She is like a high school bully. She hated her own mother. Why would I succeed where her own mother failed? Anyways she is creepy and always gives me the creepy eyeball when I do see her and I am not even married to her father. I can only imagine the pit fires of hell if I were married to her father, and had no recourse but to deal with her psyco personality. Her daddy still thinks she is perfect.