Struggling with Step Children
I have been in a relationship with my partner for 12 months. We both have children from previous relationships and both families children were raised in different environments.
My issue is this:-
My partners teenage daughter will not come home and live with her father because of me. I have done nothing to the child, my younger son lives with me as well.
When she was here, I took her to work, picked her up from work, picked up her friends (and dropped them back home) whenever they stayed over, cooked, tidied, ran them to parties, loaned money etcetcetc. The list of giving goes on and on.
In return what I received was a mouthful of disrespect and attitude aimed at her father that I felt was wrong and unjust. I have never seen a parent do more for their child tbh (who flies their kids across the country because they want to visit friends).
I would hear and see her vent with a flurry of filthy abuse aimed at her father and then 5 minutes later act as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth when requesting something(which was always granted)
Now it seems her psychotic BM has weighed in on the entire affair by cajoling and bribing the daughter to stay with her and hence, hitting the father with child support equivalent to some peoples wages. I know the BM resents me already as she has told her daughter that 'you don't need me, you have a new mother now' and that has also come out through the daughter in conversations with her father.. 'oh well, you enjoy 'so-so' and her son'.
The difficulty I am having is normality. Personally, I couldn't give a toss about the children, with relatives like that, who needs enemies. I have never seen more vicious, hateful, nasty and manipulative children in my life. The elder daughter is 22 and thinks that whatever comes from her mothers mouth is gospel, so between the elder child and the BM, the younger child I think is overwhelmed.
Of course the previous relationship is sticky. The ex took of with the partners uncle after concealing an ongoing 10 affair. My partner is very bitter about this and what he consideres the betrayal of his daughters as they still have a wonderful relationship with a mother that used to physically abuse them in a violent manner. Not just because of what the BM did to the children physically, but the fact the children accept and approve of the relationship the mother is in.
I think the children have picked up on their mothers character and are merely picking up where she left off, by treating their father like crap (until I came along, he just took it. Now he accepts that their behaviour towards him is inexcusable).
I do not want to lay down and be treated like crap either so I prefer not to care at all about them. They aren't worth my energy. I do not wish to extend an olive branch when I have done nothing wrong towards them and they are using me as an excuse not to see their father.
My own children (similar ages are appalled)
I think the reason they treat their father like dirt is that he loves them and will always try and maintain contact... so they know he'll always be there. Whereas they won't do it to their mother as she has no problem severing ties for awhile.
I'm of the opinion that you can't cross a bridge again once you've burnt it, but rebuilding is an option on the side of the arsonist... yes?
Their BM not only doesn't want my partner anymore but she seeks to destroy him emotionally and financially through the girls.
My life is consumed with this drama and I am not used to hateful discord of this magnitude. If my kids were this toxic I'd tell them to step back for awhile and contact me in a few years if they grow up. It just stuns me tbh and I am left wondering whether I should leave.
I love my partner and would support him in this matter but it's all day every day and it feels like there is nothing good left anymore. No happiness, no 'us' time.
Sometimes the advice I give he doesn't like either because how I do things doesn't necessarily mean they're right, but honestly... he'll never know unless he tries it out.
Any help?
"I'm of the opinion that you
"I'm of the opinion that you can't cross a bridge again once you've burnt it, but rebuilding is an option on the side of the arsonist... yes?"
ironically, I was just having a conversation about this not too long ago. The resulting opinions?
If I've done YOU wrong, why should YOU have to come to me to seek an apology?
I honestly feel that if I have to seek an apology from someone who has been consistently disgusting toward me, there is no way in hell I'm going to feel that their apology is heartfelt. Nope. Rather, that person needs to come to an epiphany and realize that they've treated me like crap, that there was a flaw in their character, and that it is their responsibility to make amends with me.
Until then, no thanks to any sort of relationship with that person.
This particular issue has been on-going in my life. I come from a very dysfunctional family, who made me the scapegoat for their shit-ass behavior when I left home at 15 seeking help from the abuse. My mother is your typical psychotic BM who PAS'd my brother and I to death, thus destroying our relationship with our BD. The list goes on and on and on and on.
Anyway, some people around me still feel that it is MY responsibility to fix my relationship with my mother, as I haven't actually spoken to her for almost 10 years now. The amount of abuse I sustained at her hands is atrocious. However, I absolutely refuse to seek out an apology from her and to approach her to mend fences. Why?
Because she knows where I am. She knows how to contact me. If she were honestly, in any way, sorry for the way she has treated me - she really could offer to mend fences with me. I am not the one who broke our relationship. I am not the one who abused her. I simply am not the one who is at fault. That is, unless refusing to put up with being abused is something that I really need to apologize for.
So it amazes me the amount of people who are willing to give her a "free pass" on the way she's treated me and actually buy into her bullshit lies that she "has changed."
Really?
So she's changed and she's sorry?
So, if she's "changed" wouldn't that be a clue that she has something to apologize for? People don't see it that way. WTF. Really?
That's funny, she can say that she's "changed" and/or that she's sorry to elicit sympathy and play the victim for how mean and horrible of a daughter I am. Yet, she can't extend one iota of an apology to me?
WTF are people thinking? Why can't people see through that shit?
It's honestly amazing how dysfunctional people are. Your SD and her BM sound like real winners. Count your lucky stars that they want nothing to do with you. They will scapegoat you to anyone who will listen. Big deal. It's a hard lesson in life to learn to not give two shits what other people think is the truth about you - just so long as the very few who actually matter know better.
My response to people now, when I hear the lies my BM tells people about me is, "I am sorry for you that you are so small minded as to base your opinion of someone else off of one other person's account rather than being mature enough to base your opinion off of your own experiences with said person. Clearly, you aren't even capable of listening to the other side. That's truly sad. But that, my dear, is something that YOU will have to answer for at the end of YOUR life. YOUR problem is not MY problem. Until then, that doesn't mean that I have to care what you think about the kind of person I am. I am not willing now, nor will I ever, justify myself to you. You simply just don't matter that much."
Yeah, I know. I'm such a bitch. Shame on me. Haha. }:)
Are you some sister I have
Are you some sister I have never met?
My mother is psychotic and both my brother and sister, as well as I, will never have anything to do with her. Like you I haven't seen my mother in 12 years. She is just so wrong in so many ways. I prefer to think of her as my biological donor.
Perhaps my relationship with her has clouded my vision somewhat regarding my insolent SD's, I mean... if you're willing to forget that you have a mother that exists you can do anything right?
I don't hate my mother, and I don't hate the SD's. I am just numb. I don't care, and that's even worse.
I value your opinion and the summary in particular but the fact of the matter remains. Can I survive this fracas on an emotional level within my relationship... or is it better to resign myself to the fact that these children will hate me always because I stole their father, their spoilt lifestyle and freedom... and just cut my losses before the resentment factor really builds to a hate level.
I also agree with you. I will never apologise for something when I haven't anything to apologise for... and I will never accept an apology from someone when I knew they really meant it. That would make me as much a hypocrite as the person apologising.
"some people around me still
"some people around me still feel that it is MY responsibility to fix my relationship with my mother"
gawd, i hear ya on THAT one. Why do you think that is? I have never understood that. I agree, it is the "offender" that should be trying to "fix" the fall out. They are the one's who should have to pursue, fix and amend. Right the wrongs. (sort to speak)
These little half ass attempts just don't cut it. ALL relationships take work, and frankly i feel these offenders are just plain lazy. doing the minimal amount of work (that THEY think is required) call it good, and then pass the buck. "well I tried. I reached out. i'm willing to put it behind us, etc....blah fucking blah"
LIP SERVICE that is all these people do, flap their lips without really having anything of substance to say.
AND personally, I don't believe people change. On those rare occasions some may and in order for them to do so there has to be a major major turn of events in their life. Some type of life altering circumstance. Something that impacts them deeply to the spine. And change doesn't always mean for the good.
But that is just my opinion, and probably biased from my shitty childhood.
The youngest SD has had a
The youngest SD has had a life altering experience. Heart Surgery. At any given time I hear the 'What do you care /blah /blah /blah ...but Dad! I could fucking die tomorrow!
She has been given the all clear. Needs yearly check ups on the valves of the heart but is otherwise no different from any other teen. Even demanding piercings that she was warned against because of infection.
This child has used her medical condition to manipulate for almost everything she wants in life and he father has allowed it. Her BM told her within a week of having a checkup which included have a camera up a vein in her leg that as far as she was concerned, she only had one daughter.
WTF am I dealing with here? Bigger question.... WHY and I dealing with it? I have my own kids, they have their own troubles.
I wanted a chance for happiness for me, but what was sold to me was a dream... the reality is a bloody nightmare tbh.
I want my little bit of happiness back
He has to pay her 300$ pw.
He has to pay her 300$ pw. She gave up her job now, so she'll probably push for me.
What is truly sad about the whole scenario is SD16 doesn't realise she is being used by her BM. Before my partner got this job he was unemployed and on the verge of losing everything. The BM never wanted her then...and what's even sadder, is that even though the BM had the affair, she truly ruined him financially. He not only settled in court for a tidy sum to her so he could keep his house, but she took everything that wasn't nailed down before she left and racked up 25K in credit cards that he is still paying off (they were in his name - primary card holder). She stayed in the house until the very last day she could and there was mould on the ceilings, grass on 3 acres to shoulder height.. omg, the list goes on and on...
My partner has bought the elder daughter a car. The younger one expects the same I guess, and I know he'll try, but personally.... with an attitude like that, I think she's hard pressed to get coal in her chrissy stocking!
Their BM is a whack job.
Their BM is a whack job. She's not as whacked as my BM though.
Their BM told the youngest SD that she had cancer and didn't have long to live..... waited for the tears to start falling then said she was joking; she just wanted to see the reaction.
This womans traits have instilled themselves in the SD's.
The eldest feels compelled to ingratiate herself in others lifes and dramas, lecturing them on how they should be living.... whilst the younger SD has become an awful repeat liar. I say awful because she is, however she thinks she's quite good.
I mean... who tells their boss they cannot work on Friday (Good Friday) because they have a doctors appointment. :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:
I just had a decades-long
I just had a decades-long friendship end and he DEFINITELY burnt the bridge. However, any attempt made to rebuild the bridge or surpass with a high-wire will be futile. Once the bridge is burnt, there is NO way to return.
Again, another good reply. I
Again, another good reply.
I don't want any more children (I have 5. Ages 23, 21, 19, 18 and 12) B,G,B,G,B
He has 2 Girls, 22 and 16
My children are mortified with the way this has been progressing and the attitudes of his kids.
I also feel as though my SO is refraining somewhat in having any relationship with my kids, particularly my youngest as he lives with me, because he doesn't have his own kids and feels guilty moving forward.
Either that or he is teaching me a lesson that if I don't try and make friends then why should he over exert himself with my kids.
My youngest accidently hit the format button on his digital camera, he was 11 at the time.
My significant other just last night said he could hold it against my son and keep going and going... and I explained that my son was 11, just a child and I don't know how many times I need to apologise to him for this incident that was truly an accident.
I also reminded him that the difference between the two children is that his daughter is 16, a young adult that knows she can legally do and stay wherever she wants and her attitude and vindictiveness are an ongoing affair.
If my kids treated my significant other like this I would yank them back into line big time by a very strong verbal talk with the option of not seeing me for awhile. If they were happy not to see me then so be it, but the point I'm trying to make here is that I see my SO as equally important to my children, not first and not second; whereas I don't feel the same balance on his side. His kids come first. Sure he is siding with me (because he knows I have done nothing wrong) but he's ever hopeful I'll make the grovelling first step to make amendments with daughters that would as quick as write him off as dead, and then throw the whole mourning act in everyones face at the funeral and beam at the solicitor when the WILL is dead. I'm at getting more and more frustrated with the situation every day. There doesn't look to be any light at the end of the tunnel and it's consuming us. 'WE' have no 'US'. Our focus is on the Financial side of life and the SD's and the fact they know the decision the youngest is making to stay with her mother atm is ruining him financially and she's doing it out of hurt and spite.
I am trying to do what I can. I have started paying rent to my SO. I buy the food, pay the elec bill, Buy the dog food, his dogs included. Feed the animals, do the chores, mow 3 acres and work. I also have my youngest to look after and truthfully, I don't mind helping. I just want it to be appreciated, not expected.
My own 19 yo son is having problems financially where he can't afford food and I can't even help him. Makes me sad and depressed at what my SO's SD's do and put him through that has a flow on effect on me and my life.
I see no fairness
Toxic and shallow polluted
Toxic and shallow polluted gene pools like the BM and Skids in your world are the most fun to bare ass with. Bare their asses with the facts of their behaviors. Own their toxic asses. Have fun doing it. }:)
Work to enlighten your partner regarding the behaviors of his spawn and together partner to bare BM's idiot ass and provide clarity to your two SDs so that they may have a chance to be better people than is their BM.
Zero tolerance for bullshit, call it openly, publically, and pointedly when their bullshit floats, and have fun doing it.
Lather, rinse, repeat, and enjoy your life. Do not let them detract from that.